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#62287 - 09/09/01 11:32 PM don't understand
Anonymous
Unregistered


I HAVE WRITTEN BEFORE, MY SON WAS SEXUALLY ABUSED WHEN HE WAS ABOUT 11 HE IS NOW MARRIED. HE HAS HAD SEVERAL AFFAIRS AND HAS JUST TOLD HIS WIFE ABOUT ALL OF THEM, HE HAS TOLD HIS WIFE THAT THE AFFAIRS WERE HER FAULT BECAUSE SHE HAS'NT BEEN AFFECTIONATE ENOUGH DURING THE YEARS. HE HAS LIED TO HER SO MUCH THAT SHE CAN'T BELIEVE ANYTHING HE SAYS AND HE GETS MAD IF SHE QUESTIONS HIM ON ANYTHING. I KNOW I'M NOT EXPLAINING THIS VERY GOOD BUT IF ANY ONE KNOWS WHAT I MEAN COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME.


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#62288 - 09/10/01 10:10 PM Re: don't understand
Anonymous
Unregistered


Willie,

This must be so very difficult for you. As a parent who has had a child who was sexually abused, I know how heartbreaking it is to learn that your child has been hurt and that you didn't or weren't able to protect him. This in itself is difficult to live with.

To then know that this same child has carried confusion and dysfunction into adulthood and is acting out in marriage has got to be very frustrating. (And just because he was abused at age eleven doesn't get him off the hook and make it okay to lie to his wife or blame her for because she hasn't been affectionate enough.)

I have some questions for you....Does you son have memory or recollection of his childhood abuse? Was it dealt with at the time it occurred (e.g., therapy)? Has he disclosed this abuse to his wife? Has he participated in any therapy as an adult? Have he and his wife done any couples counseling?

My sense is that if he gets mad at his wife if she questions him on anything that you might trigger a similar response. What is the nature of your rapport with him at this particular point in time?.....Would he respond to a father-and-son talk, or is he the type that would put up all kinds of barriers?

I think it is a good sign that he has disclosed his affairs to his wife. That's a start. If she could somehow step back from this and entertain the notion that this may not be about her right now, their relationship might be salvaged if he could know that what happened to him as a kid as everything in the world to do with what's going on with his relationship with his wife....

You didn't mention whether or not you and/or his mother are seeing a therapist. As a parent, it would be my recommendation that this would be time and money well invested, as you certainly must have all kinds of conflicted and feelings and frustrations around this stuff.

It has been said that one can't fix anybody else...we can only work on our own stuff. But there is certainly power in his knowing that you (and/or your wife) are seeking help because you need to do this for yourself. Once some members of a family start to get healthier there are changes, and it ultimately affects everyone else, too....

This discussion forum can be enormously helpful to victims of childhood sexual abuse. For one thing, it is anonymous and this is particularly good for folks like your son who have tremendous sensitivity and little trust. If he could somehow find his way to this web site he might see that there are so many others who are struggling with similar issues...and that he is not alone.

Alas, it's hard to bring others around to our way of thinking....and, as a parent, calling attention to it is sometimes the kiss of death.

Your son is fortunate to have you in his corner (okay, even if you are pissed off at him for his behavior...!). The hard thing is that you don't want to communicate to him that you're out to "fix him," for you - nor anybody else - can do that. Understanding and unconditional love are your best shot (and, of course, you knew that already!).

If you think it would help at some point, you have my permission to print out this post and to pass it along to him when the time is right...

Good luck. Hang in there and know that there is plenty of support here...and enough understanding for all of you who are affected....

Dynamite Don


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#62289 - 09/11/01 02:58 PM Re: don't understand
Anonymous
Unregistered


DYNAMITE DAN
THANK YOU FOR YOUR REPLY, IT HELPS ALOT TO GET SOMEONE ELSES IMPUT, ESPECIALLY SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN THROUGH THE SAME THING. IT ALSO PUTS THINGS IN THE RIGHT PERSPECTIVE OF KIND OF SEEING WHY HE ACTS THE WAY HE ACTS OUT.

MY HUSBAND AND I JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT 3 YEARS AGO THAT OUR SON WAS SEXUALLY ABUSED, BY A CLOSE FRIEND OF THE FAMILY. AS FAR AS I KNOW HE REMEMBERS WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM, HIS WIFE HAS TOLD ME THE ABUSE WAS QUITE BAD, BUT HAS NOT GONE INTO DETAIL. HE DID NOT HAVE COUNCILING AT THE TIME, BUT IS NOW IN COUCILING. IF WE HAD KNOWN AT THE TIME, WE WOULD HAVE DONE WHAT EVER IT TOOK TO HELP HIM.
I'VE TRIED SOMEWHAT TO TALK TO HIM ABOUT WHAT HE IS NOW FEELING BUT HE PUTS UP BLOCKS WHEN YOU TRY TO TALK TO HIM. HIS WIFE WOULD LIKE TO GO TO COUCILING FOR THE BOTH OF THEM, BUT SHE IS AFRAID THAT IT MIGHT BE TO MUCH FOR HIM TO HANDLE RIGHT NOW. I FEEL SO BAD FOR HIM, BECAUSE HE IS HURTING SO BAD.

THE PERSON WHO DID THIS HAS HURT SO MANY YOUNG BOYS ITS UNREAL, I KNOW OF 5 OTHER BOYS THAT WERE SEXUALLY ABUSED BY THIS PERSON AND EVERYONE OF THEM IS SO MESSED UP.

THIS SITE HAS BEEN A GREAT HELP. I KEEP TRYING TO GET MY DAUGHTER IN LAW TO COME TO THIS SITE. THIS SITE HAS HELPED ME MORE THAN ANY OF THE OTHER ONES I GONE TO.

THANK YOU AGAIN.


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#62290 - 09/12/01 10:06 PM Re: don't understand
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hang in there and affirm that eventually your son will have the need to know and will reach out for support. This site - as well as those around him who love him - can help.

Keep us posted.

DD


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#62291 - 11/26/01 10:06 PM Re: don't understand
Anonymous
Unregistered


Dynamitedon,
It has been awhile since I was last here. Wanted to add a quick update. My sons wife left him and is going ahead with a divorce. I wasn't sure if he was going to make it at first but, it has now been almost 3 months since she left and I really think he is doing alot better without her, I just want you to know that I really loved my daughter-in-law, but she pulled some pretty dirty stuff when she left him, I really don't think I can feel the same about her again. She has turned his daughter against him,to where she won't even talk to him. He had to quit going to counceling for now because of the money, but he said he will go back as soon as things get straighten out, if they ever do. I found out alot of what my daughter-in-law told me wasn't true. But I did want to tell you he is doing good.
Thanks again I will keep you informed
ww


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#62292 - 12/02/01 10:06 PM Re: don't understand
Anonymous
Unregistered


WW,

Thanks for making the time for an update. Sounds as though you've all been through hell these last few months. I am so sorry that you have all had to endure this pain. It's hard stuff.

I am glad to learn that your son is rebounding from the separation, which must be so hard to watch. And, of course, it must be painful for him to have his wife turn his daughter against him. There may be some improvement on that front in the future, however. Time helps.

Your son has a lot of stuff to heal from and I do hope he will be able to return to therapy eventually.

I know that parents can't make these kinds of suggestions easily, but I wonder if you could point him in the direction of this discussion forum. He could make up a fictitious name so that even you wouldn't know it and then he could perhaps have the support and encouragement of others here who are suffering with and reeling from similar issues. You are also welcome to print out this post and pass it along to him if you think it would be helpful.

It is so hard to be dealing with all he is dealing with, but it sounds hopeful to me.

Again, thanks for the update.

Don


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