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#62263 - 10/13/04 10:32 AM helpmehelpmehelpme
forlauren Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/04
Posts: 63
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
tears are pouring. At least the worst birthday of my entire life is over. I've been checking posts and reading and reading and looking for answers. I used to love him so much. Please somebody tell me that he can get better. He's been so cruel. HE WAS TURNED OUT BY HIS DAD! YOUR DAD ISN'T SUPPOSED TO DO THAT! I've been throwing up. HE THINKS HIS DAD WAS INITIATING HIM AND HE WAS LUCKY. 2 freakin pedophiles at one time (his dad & dad's young girlfriend) and all he can say is he liked it. None of the other male survivors say this. Maybe he won't ever change? Even if I left? Even if he never saw his precious baby girl again?
A couple months ago I was going to have a massage treatment (get a lot of back pain carrying around 30 lb. baby all the time). He was heading upstairs and said to the masseuse "why don't you warm her up for me." Half way through the massage the masseuse rubbed his penis on my thigh. The guy was HUGE, like over 250 at least, and I didn't do anything and just hoped it would stop. I felt so humiliated - after all my husband had given him an invitation, and when I had to pay him he was pulling on his shirt & pants to try to hide his erection. When I told my husband what had happened he shrugged it off and glibly said, "well, I guess we won't be getting any more massages from him." A couple weeks later we were at a relative's house having drinks & snacks at their backyard picnic table and husband told them the story, just threw it off like it was an amusing anecdote and then said, "you can't really blame him, Audrey's got a pretty sexy body." I wonder what they must have thought. They didn't say too much & I just looked down. I KNOW why he did these things. He wants to TURN HIS OWN WIFE OUT LIKE WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM AS A KID. I think with his sickness he needs more and more and weirder things to get him turned on. He's been trying to victimize and abuse me in any way possible ever since I confronted him about the child porn and his relationship (present day) with his father. He told his cousin & wife that day at the picnic because in his mind it's a great status to have a wife attractive enough she'd be assaulted. Of course, he left out the fact that he INVITED the assault. To this day, he hasn't once said he'd like to throttle the guy or anything like that. Husband is too terrified of anything approaching actual violence. I'm thinking he's just never been a man and maybe he never ever will. So scared for my little girl and the way I see him always gripping and stroking her thighs and buttocks and laying waaayy to many sloppy kisses on her. Won't get off her a second to read her a book or play with her toys. I think he wants me out of the way so he can groom her just like he was groomed to be a sexed out perv. helpmehelpme
My birthday's over. Got a card from him filled with insults. Said I was anxiety-ridden and paranoid. Lovely birthday gift.
I swear to you, if you think someone is just too good to be true, BEWARE! He was the perfect boyfriend, the perfect fiance, the perfect husband until that day I'll never forget when I was 5 months pregnant and he took me to dinner at a beautiful restaurant by the water just to start berating me for not liking or approving of pornography. When we were first dating, I knew his dad was messed up, I knew he'd been married several times and had really inappropriate sexual things fly out of his mouth all the time. Husband reassured me he just got eccentric when he made all his $$ and people kissed his keister no matter how horrible he was. He reassured me over and over that he was nothing like his father, knew he was kinda gross & didn't want to make his mistakes. HE'S A LIAR!!!! He loves his dad. I now know they e-mail almost every day. I've seen the e-mails. All about sex with underage girls. About penis size. Oh yeah, and the attachments of course of videos and links to porn w/free access codes. Is the dad really just the ultimate pedophile who has his son so tightly wrapped that even though he's 37 and his dad's 65 they still love their incestuous tango? All the lies lies lies lies lies to my face to my face to my face I used to love love love love love love love love love your daughter loves loves loves loves loves you. Helpmehelpmehelpme. So scared can't sleep. So much cruelty. He has so many sexual insecurities and I think his porn addiction totally revictimizes him every time. Why can't he just love me and his daughter? Why does he have to love his trash so much? So much that he'll try to tear me down brick by brick if he can. But he can't get to me. I have my self. I've always loved me. He can't hurt me. I hurt for my little girl she doesn't deserve this. I wouldn't have married him had I known. I could have left long ago if I didn't have his baby. We started seeing a counselor last week and when I went to my session alone yesterday she asked me right off the bat, "you realize he hates himself, don't you? He HATES himself." I have no idea where she got that because he was just his usual charming self during our couple session. He's not the first sex addict type I've been attracted to. I have to ask myself what it is about me. I swear I had no idea. He snowed me for years. How dare he lie to me. He tells me now after I had to ask him to stop kissing her on the change table and him screaming at me to just shut up then he says when he's accused he starts believing it's true. What does that mean? I know I'm not guilty of something I haven't done. He said his last year in college a girl in his class called the police to report an obscene phone call made by him. How is it that he's not sure if he was guilty or not? Because of his sexual compulsions? How dare he keep a story like that from me. Rotten fucking bastard. We shared stories of scrapes or near-scrapes with the law from our youths plenty of times but this was a new one for me. He feels shame, then? I guess he feels shame. For something he did do? Didn't do? Do I want to be standing next to him in a courtroom, two kids later and god knows how many sexual or mental diseases I'd be laden with from him and have to go to court on rape or pedophilia charges? Sick behaviour gets worse and worse right? I know he's become progressively sadistic and perverse in the time I've known him. How to stick by this man? Who doesn't think he was sexually abused? Why am I even on this website then! Because I know what is true and real. Wow I'd better try to sleep or my baby'll have a pretty useless mom tomorrow. I've never felt so helpless. He used to protect me and now I wish I had protection from him. Please, anybody anybody anybody please respond if you think you can understand anything I've said. Do men like this ever change? Can they change? His dad abandoned another son. Just didn't care for that baby he had with a secretary. Bubye, no daddy for you. I think that kid got off easy. I should probably call him and tell him that actually, he's the lucky one. My husband loves this man he calls daddy. When I was 2 months pregnant, husband put me on the phone with his dad to congratulate me. I kinda winced before anything even came out of his mouth because of the horrible things he says. He said, 'congratulations, did you enjoy being raped?' To my husband's sister in law he said upon first meeting her (she was a very innocent 19 years old) 'you sure are a cutie, you must keep my son hard.' He has a little girl now! God knows what her life must be like. Yucky, yucky, yucky, yucky, yucky man, yucky touch, yucky. Husband's convinced he'd never do anything to her but my GOD this man does not care WHAT line he crosses!!!!! When I ask him does he respect his father he falls silent. I think husband doesn't understand true respect because he's never felt it.


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#62264 - 10/13/04 11:31 PM Re: helpmehelpmehelpme
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Lauren
the only advice I could give is get out now.

Ask yourself some serious questions, do you love this man? do you want to protect your daughter and yourself?

I'm a survivor of 5 years of constant, daily abuse by multiple abusers.
I've had some pretty sick stuff in my head at times, but that's where it stayed until I got help and therapy.
If your husband still thinks that what happened to him was 'good' then he's not going to make any effort towards healing himself, and you can't make him do it.
Healing is a choice WE make. Is he making that choice?

Ultimatly what you do must be YOUR choice, but I feel that any reasoned decision about the long term future of your relationship can't be made in the present climate of fear.

The web site for the Canadian Gov't Clearing House is a good one, I've used it in the past.

Here in the UK womens refuges protect women from ALL kinds of abuse, not just physical beatings.
I know it's a drastic step, but short term maybe it'll give you time to think.

I'm just sorry I can't paint you a better picture.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#62265 - 10/14/04 12:05 AM Re: helpmehelpmehelpme
Yves Offline
Member

Registered: 11/26/03
Posts: 93
Loc: Canada
I donít know whether or not he can change. I would say thatís up to him and a large degree of professional help, and a considerable amount of time. His healing is not your responsibility. My advice to you, whether Iím right or whether Iím crazy, is get the fuck out. >>Now<<.

It might sound like Iím putting things in your head, but look around this website, look around at the stories, and the unconscionable things that have happened to some of these men when they were little. I beg you: please do whatever you have to to ensure it is not your child(ren) writing these same stories 20, 30, 40 years from now.

Itís only my opinion, but I think you should get whatever legal and professional help you need to to protect that child.

Of course, Iím prejudiced...........

~Yves

_________________________
You know you love someone when you want them to be happy even though their happiness means you're not part of it. ~Author Unknown~

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#62266 - 10/14/04 05:44 PM Re: helpmehelpmehelpme
learning2remember Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 261
Loc: Europe
Forlauren,

This is a wonderful site for all of us to share our past, our present, our feelings and fears.

We get information and comfort and it can all be very healing. It has been for me.

But it cannot make you and your daughter safe.

Please, please, please get out of that situation. There will be plenty of time to talk.

Find a crisis center, call a hotline, whatever, but get out.

_________________________
"This is not my shame, this is their shame." Mona Eltahawy

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#62267 - 10/14/04 09:04 PM Re: helpmehelpmehelpme
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Lauren
please check your 'Private Messages' by clicking the link towards the top left of this page.

Thanks
Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#62268 - 10/15/04 05:01 AM Re: helpmehelpmehelpme
jaywho Offline
Member

Registered: 06/29/04
Posts: 39
Loc: WV
Quote:
So scared for my little girl and the way I see him always gripping and stroking her thighs and buttocks and laying waaayy to many sloppy kisses on her. Won't get off her a second to read her a book or play with her toys. I think he wants me out of the way so he can groom her just like he was groomed to be a sexed out perv. helpmehelpme
My birthday's over. Got a card from him filled with insults. Said I was anxiety-ridden and paranoid. Lovely birthday gift.
Okay I'm sorry but forget the Birthday the insults and what ever else he does to YOU, is it not enough what you see him doing to her to tell you to get the f*ck out? You've even said it, the dirty word "grooming", you got the info what more do you need? What you will have is a survivor blaming you cause you saw and didn't read the signs.

I have no sympothy, it's not about you it's about her now, you brought her here protect her. Its not important what you didn't know then, you do now.

My husband doesn't talk to his mother anymore why, cause she wasn't there to help him. YOU GET OUT OF LIFE WHAT YOU PUT IN!!

I realize if you didn't care you wouldn't be here but also understand that from my side I wish my husbands mother would have done more! Drugs and Booze took priority for her. If it's love and a good man you want there's others out there, REAL daddy's too!


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#62269 - 10/15/04 05:07 AM Re: helpmehelpmehelpme
gryffindor Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/08/03
Posts: 131
Loc: St. Charles, Illinois
Lauren,

You and especially your daughter are in terrible danger. You have got to get yourself and your daughter away from your husband and your father-in-law. They are guaranteed to abuse her non-stop if you stay where you are. Your de>
_________________________
"Where there's a will, there's a way." American Folk Saying

"Had I not fallen, I could not have arisen; had I not sat in darkness, I would not have recognized the light." Midrash Tehillim Ch. 22

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