I threw him out two weeks ago last Saturday. I'm going to change the locks. Do you have children?

Ugh. I know, why do I bother? He is the biggest fattest lyingest liar hanging from a telephone wire. His character is - well he has none. He's a nice guy. yuck. It's like he can't or won't really think for himself, or think critically about anything.

I won't let him alone with my little girl. I've lost 10 lbs. without trying in the last 2 weeks. I do feel pretty weak and not as effectual as I need to be for my little girl. It's 3:30 a.m. and I'm still looking for answers to why my family blew up and disintegrated. Today I told myself I should color my hair fire engine red, get some big bad assed motorcycle boots, and find a sitter so I can take some Tae Kwon Do. This is more like my persona from my youth. I'm just like the khakis and button down blouse proper little mommy now, but I need to find my inner strength. I feel like my husband has taken so much from me, but I keep wanting to figure out why? His contempt and aggression toward me began when I was pregnant. Well guess what, pregnancy & starting a new family is generally when violence begins. Man oh man was he the sweetest to me for soooooo long. The leading cause of death to pregnant women is homicide by a boyfriend or husband. Why so much hate in the world.

My brother might come visit me, but he's all depressed right now. I hope he can get up off the floor well enough to spend a little time with me because I'm pretty lonely. Wow it's amazing how alone I am. But my little girl still makes me laugh.

violence
it's all about violence
who has the power
I don't even want the power

I don't want to think about that dirty old man
I feel like he's winning when I even let him in my head
It's what he wants

when children are used and exploited
women are pieces of meat
little things he says, like "Kobe! Kobe!"
all meant to let me know who has the power

Is that what a man's world is??

Oh so tired of the struggles
What is power anyway?
It's deceiving in it's lure
He wants to assert domination and control over me
Over my body
He uses subtle fear tactics
They're so subtle I practically miss them

I feel confused
Is my husband really making me feel so unsafe?
Am I paranoid?
That's what my b-day card says
I'm anxiety-ridden and paranoid

He probably thinks anyone on this site who wants to work through their pain is just a loser who wants to dwell on the negative
he says I sabotage my own bliss
In my birthday card

I need to leave him because his manners are so bad
I need to leave him because he likes schlocky kitschy commercial photography and has no understanding for art appreciation
I need to leave him because he berated me for not liking porn when we were at a nice restaurant and I was 5 months pregnant
his manners are so bad
I need to leave him because he still can't come to bed to cuddle me even though I outlawed the porn he still stays up half the night playing video games.
I need to leave I need to leave

I know this sounds like I'm minimizing his sex sickness, it's just that that's such a complicated issue that I don't know how to confront it really. I had depression a few years ago and he stuck by me while I worked it out in therapy. But I can't stick by him in his sex addiction. It hurts too much. I just turned 34.

Trust me, I am leaving. I am. I will find a way out of here. I don't want to be trapped alone in this country though, as I am not a citizen and all my family is in the States. I don't know what my rights are, legal aid said if I left he could file for custody and baby would be remanded to him.