jwwells, thank you for the Clearinghouse info. I emailed them about those pamphlets this morning.
Ivanhoe, I just emailed Don Wright. Thank you for that.
SAR, you said -
>You are right to insist on appropriate boundaries for behavior when it comes to your child. That includes keeping pornography away from her.<
Husband insists I can't censor what he looks at and that of course he would never let daughter see it. Her accidentally seeing any of it is almost secondary to my feeling that he has completely lost all rights to look at any pornography ever again, period. He has a little girl. Is that what he wants for her when she grows up? Today I was at the park with my baby and I started to feel naseous again because I thought about the child porn I found. I can still see that little girls silk-like pale blond hair and I feel sick to my stomach because it was on Kazaa, that file sharing program, and when I caught it at least a dozen pedophiles had already accessed and downloaded it from our computer. I told husband even looking at that was revictimizing that little girl and he says he can in no way see how that's true, that he's not responsible for that. I was sitting in the rocks by the swing and thinking about that little baby I felt so angry I was throwing rocks.
>It may be that your husband does not know how to show parental affection without being inappropriate. I think you said that the two of you were seeing a counselor? If you are, I think you owe it to yourself and your family to bring this up.<
Yeah, I really don't think he realizes at all what he's doing. But once he got off the phone with his brother and told me when he asked his brother what he was doing he said "just sittin' on the couch luvvin' on my kids." My husband actually said it kind of sounded gross to him. So does part of him realize kids aren't to be loved ON but simply loved? Maybe they just don't have any clue how totally gross their dad is and that's where they get their inappropriateness?
>For many survivors it is a source of shame and helplessness, to have physically responded to the SA or to have kept in touch with those who abused them. If you haven't seen a lot of discussion on these topics I would guess that's why.<
Yeah, he's pretty much dug his heels in on the fact that it was just the greatest thing that ever could have happened to him. Why can't he see that all pedophiles think they are sexually liberating the child? I've tried to tell him "THINK about it. Those 2 adults PLANNED ahead of time what they were going to do to you. It was a sexual Fantasy for them." He just shrugs like he doesn't get it. There's a lot more I'd like to say to his face like of course
when "daddy" should have been concentrating his energies on educating you for your bar mitzvah instead he was focused on fulfilling his lust needs through his son. My husband comes from a privileged background. Everyone was just drinking and drugging and sexing it up all around him, basically neglecting him. Sure he had a pool and a tennis court but what he needed was love and what he got was a woman who raped him and a daddy doing I don't even know what in the room there with them. What happened to him by no means made him a man. I think it screwed him up for normal intimacy forever. It makes sense to me now why he's always screaming at me how demanding I am and throwing everything up in my face how he did this for me and that for me. I always say wow, don't do me any favors. See there was no way he could adequately meet the needs of those 2 vampires who used him like that then discarded him.
I gotta try to calm down and get some sleep. How will we ever stop the pain. The internet is a tool for these predators. Most pedophiles offend an average 50-100 victims. Most are never caught. I read about one guy who said he could do it in the same room with all kinds of people around and people couldn't even see what he was doing.
You know what really really sucks is I would like to get that - what I don't want to call him a man! My husband's biological father I guess. I want to take him down. But when I called and told him to send no more porn he went on red alert and took everything off his computer. He has a 10 year old daughter and you can bet your baloney he's got illegal things going onto his computer. I saw a site for a washer/eraser software today that made me soooooo angry. It's called evidence-eliminator and there's this flashing html that says "find out what you've been missing" "access banned newsgroups" "make your surfing ANONYMOUS." Does this stuff work? How will pedophiles ever be caught then?
Blacken you said
>What he is doing is illegal, & immoral.
And he likes it. I would be very afraid for ur child & Any & Every child he comes into contact with. He has Child porn & talks with his dad about have sex with children? <
As far as illegal goes, I only found one actual real child porn video. Unfortuneately we sold that computer not too long after that incident. I don't think I can get him to tell me who he sold it to, in case that file has a date or something that would make him culpable. I suppose if I ever had the need to have him prosecuted the police could get that other computer?
I'll tell you what I mean by talking about sex with children. He makes jokes to his dad like "tiger woods and michelle wie should mate, wonder if erin (tiger's wife) would go for it" and he intersperses the wink smiley & the lewd tongue wagging smiley. Michelle Wie is the 14 year old golf phenom. When I told him this was completely disgusting, to talk about a 14 year old child like a sex object, he yells at me "Oh PLEASE. That's just 2 guys talking about Tiger." When I was pregnant he told his dad the baby was swimming around happily inside me. And that he "knows how he/she feels." with that damn winky smiley again.
I am freaking out right now. I decided to see hubby's email again and I found an email from his dad this is it:
I may have sent you this.
I really like... "some" of the stuff in here.
Jess and Sarah leaving for 5 weeks on July 19th.
You do know what I'm 'wishing'...
"the curse..." .... just might get me.
I followed the link. They all looked like little girls. My skin is prickling and I have to keep breathing. I don't want to tell you the site because I don't want anyone else to see it. It said "we offer the largest, freshest, classiest collection of teen nude art and fine photography."
Made me so sad. First I thought of my cousin who was sooo beautiful, I always envied her peaches & cream complexion and beautiful mouth and some guy her mom was with paid her all this attention and got her into modelling...I guess you can guess where it went from there. Started when she was like 12. Well she's not so beautiful anymore. She won't take proper care of her appearance or emphasize her looks in any way. Of COURSE little girls are beautiful, all children are. But if you rob them of their dignity they'll be looking craggy and grey-skinned by 25.
I am hating so much right now. Are men evil? Do they know the suffering they create? Why do they think they can lay their gaze on little girls. I want to keep my baby locked in the house. I'm so scared so scared.
I feel terrible for my baby because she is a very happy baby but yesterday I was wailing on the kitchen floor and today if I didn't keep her close all day she began to wail in sorrow like I've never heard her. She will be abused in her life, I know she will. Oh my god she just let out a little cry. I'm crying silently but she is so connected to me it isn't even funny.
blacken, you said:
>Dont be delusioned into thinking u will cure him.
You Have to force him.<
I went to an S-Anon meeting the other night. This was the night before baby stuck her tongue in my mouth. I left her with her dad to go to that damn meeting. yuck. At the meeting I read about Step 1 and one sentence read something like "it does not matter how smart you are, how strong you are, or how sexy you are. You can not change another person." It did give me a little more peace because I have been making myself blue in the face trying to tell him how WRONG WRONG WRONG he is. Then he tries to make up any and everything he can about me to insult me like I have MUCH bigger problems than he does. But what do you mean by "You Have to force him." I wish I could force him! I'd like to force him into an inpatient treatment center for sex addiction. I can't force him to do anything.
learning2remember, I have reached out for help and I'm exploring all my options right now. I will not leave my baby alone with him again.
jaywho, thank you for being radically honest when you said:
>You said you wouldn't be with him if it wasn't for having his child. The child is more of a reason to leave! He is open to his fantasies, if you stay it would be saying to him (I think) that you agree in some way. It's availability and one day your daughter may become his target. Once is enough, you gotta stop it before.<
I know I suck. It's like you would not believe the good qualities this guy has. Everyone likes him. His daughter loves him very much. After I found the child porn I told him he could not change her diaper or bathe her any more. Well I only stuck to it for a month because he said all the right things. con artist. he could sell snake oil to a snake oil salesman. Yes, I'm on high alert now. Will he make all the overtures of getting better eventually? Will he con me again? When I was first dating him he listened to all female singer-songwriters like Sarah MacLachlan and Tori Amos and I thought he was very feminist-minded. Well I found out much later he never even listened to the lyrics he just liked how the music sounded. I feel like i married one of the pod people.