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#62201 - 10/12/04 04:03 AM Update and ways I found to cope!
jaywho Offline
Member

Registered: 06/29/04
Posts: 39
Loc: WV
Back in June I first posted to what I thought was the “end of my life”. I was searching for help and defiantly found it here. I was comforted by those that faced the same problems as well as the knowledge that they overcame. I struggled to write this follow-up because I didn't want to seem ungrateful but there are some issues and ways I adapted I'd like to share. My story is long, to those who don't know it, read the beginning; the ending is a shocker!!

Everyone is entitled to his or her own ending; we have a choice to be happy or sad. I couldn't find a middle ground without loosing myself. I couldn't find forgiveness to my husband's deception because I couldn't forgive myself for not seeing the writing on the wall. I struggled; man did I experience pain. I however found a light, I hope others will too. I will not be punished for his life. It is my life too, I put myself first in some places and I found peace finally. We all have moral characters, some things aren't forgivable just acceptable. I realized that if I accepted I found no peace, If I forgave I was complete. I had to accept my husband as he was, I had to forgive the things I didn't understand but most of all I needed to know the chances of this happening again was slim to none! I was not going to be frightened of the past! I was going to help him find his peace so I could find mine. I think the beauty of this story is simple; find your peace and others will follow!

I had to fix me before I could accept him. He had to fix himself before I could believe in him again! I had to realize my standards and the way I think life was suppose to be isn't always gonna be so. I am not living a fairytale, Lord knows we have struggles but what we take and learn from those is most important. He had to understand his actions had consequences, even if he saw them as ways to make his SA understood, as his wife I was more important than the understanding. He could have lost it all and made them win, he could have let the past control his future. Instead I am proud to say, he faced the demons and exercised his freedom!

My story was so unreal to me. Even writing the first post I couldn't believe this was happening to me. A call one night sent my world into a tailspin. If I was just open minded, seeing my husband for the man I knew and loved, I would have known the truth but instead I was “tested” and then he released the burden! We were on a military separation, life was hard I was raising our 1-year-old alone and that was all I remembered. I did get to see him much but the separation was never enough to cause me to stray. The call that night was from a woman during that time frame. She asked for my husband and then my world fell apart. I remember that night him screaming, “It isn't like you think I never planned it, I wasn't attracted to her!” I kept badgering until the fuse was blown and in return after backing him in a corner I received the biggest bunch of bullshit you could ever hear.

In the mist of the lies, there was always a deep hatred as he spoke towards this woman. I have a great memory so I noticed the lies were never the same. I pushed, I pulled and I humiliated trying to piss him off enough to leave, tell the truth or admit my faults. I couldn't accept you just went out drinking after 9 years together with never an argument and found a quick fuck! I was on a mission for the truth. I found SA by his brother, abandonment by his mother, a sister with multiple petifiers, an uncle who sexually abused 6 of his cousins and worst was my husband backed in a corner like a 6-year-old hiding behind the humiliation.

I learned to think on my own, ignore what “mostly happens” to listen to my heart. My husband is unlike anyone reading, we are all from different backgrounds and our lives although similar we experience and handle them differently. I found myself reading some posts and then sitting back analyzing “what if he does that” or “what if he did that”. . Something more to drive me nuts. I had to sit back awhile, analyze my situation for what I knew it to be. I think PAS or SAR said once that communication through a computer is great but you only receive some of the perception that the writer is trying to display. I have to tell you I took it all literal. I was searching so hard for answers I forgot what was right in front of my eyes!

I read, I cried, I lurked around here so much my mind was constantly racing for some type of magic word of release! I didn't find it here, I found something valuable; friendship, understanding, similarities but not what my heart wanted most. . I forgot this was a site for support, not to take all stories and apply them to “what if's” but when your heart is lost you can't help it.

I understood not to push but I have to say, “I did”. I figured okay, it pushes the survivor away, we were already there so what the hell. I thought things out and discovered that my fear was the future. My pain was the past. If I could understand the past, forgive the present and still have dreams for the future I could still live with him. We didn't fight I just asked questions along with adequate time for answers. I didn't and do not push for the childhood experiences; those come once in a while. I push for understanding of why as an adult he allowed his childhood experiences to almost ruin our life. I wanted understanding for the things WE were dealing with, I have nothing to do with the childhood pain, just support is all I offer there!

We found many things. The most profound was one night after 4 years of thinking he “screwed” the woman who called; HE DIDN'T DO IT! Crazy story as I said go back in June and read the whole post. Most importantly understand that he never remembered the moment, he always remembered the feelings of her hands. He thought screwing her was the only way to make her stop, same as a child the feelings of not being in control and having to give yourself to make it “go away”. He always said he saw her 4 times after that because he wanted her to bring it up, mention it. . Because she didn't he saw her as the same fuckers who kept it a secret as children cause it was “acceptable” and to be “forgotten”. But as an adult, why not bring it up, unless it didn't happen!

After watching the “Passion of Christ” I asked him if he thought God forgave him for the Adultery. Because he was an adult and the age of accountability was there, no matter what the mind frame would God consider it a sin? He and I discussed such things as; was he a virgin when he first had sex even though he was molested years before? Of course the answer was yes, he was a virgin. So having sex as an adult when it was forced would then be rape and not “adultery” even though the force was physiological and not physical. I'm saying, he chose that outcome to make the assault stop.

Anyways he said, “you know I don't even know if I did it, I can't remember it.” I lost my jaw, I thought what do you mean after 4 months of hell me thinking you did and 4 years you thinking it? What he meant was that he accepted it as being the outcome because in his head it was only 2 min. of hell, something he found forced.

No pressure from me he decided to recover some memories. Because he remembered the feelings of needing to make it stop, feeling like that was the only way. . He accepted that was what happened. He remembered being drunk, passed out and her hands but the visions and memories of his childhood played like a record in his mind. He was drunk but remembers fully the feelings her hand gave him. He remembered saying he didn't have a condom and that being in his mind as a way to make her stop. He remembered one being placed in his hand then the anger he remembered after jumping to his knees and then walking to the couch. He always assumed he mounted her briefly from behind but the memories tell otherwise. He didn't research it then, he repressed it, why remember his “fuck up” and her getting her way, he just accepted it instead!

He researched long enough to remember throwing the condom to the floor as he walked out the room. Once on the couch he remembered being mad at her for touching him. Not the obvious sadness that he would have felt for letting her get her way, just pissed she touched him. He now believes also that the second time was a dream, or a feeling that resembled the first time she got him drunk and thus his mind led him to believe it happened again.

In other words, he didn't screw her. Makes so much since now cause I never fully understood why a woman would let a man have 2 min. of sex with her and then leave and later call. But if she thought he was to drunk, or he was a nice guy and never laid hands on her why not call. After all she felt him up long enough to think in her mind he wanted her. . She had to have given herself an excuse. The phone call 4 years later is explainable now too. Why not if you see a guy 4 times, he sleeps in your bed never touching you, always nice and polite wouldn't you peruse him again? She never said they had sex either, my husband told me because he thought he did.

Anyways my story is long, I appreciate you all for reading and mostly I hope you get the point. Reach deep inside and know what you hear or what others may say isn't always the answer to your life. For instance, if the first 5 years is great, if the last 5 is great, why not the next 50?

There are some issues that I hate, but I accept. Why get drunk again with her? Liquid courage. Why end up in her bed the first time? Stupid, drunk, tricked, no way home and knowing your intentions. Searching for knowledge and seeing her 4 times more? To find understanding, finding reasons and ways to accept your fault. We all have fault, but in all things there is reason. We give ourselves excuses for every action; we don't get a drink of soda without thirst. There is reason; my reason for writing is so others may find theirs!

By the way my husband broke all silence, his whole family now knows the story behind why he doesn't talk to his mother or the brother who took his childhood. We requested his file from child services too so he can face the things that happened in foster care as well. I am very proud. He has no more demons, they are all free. no more pretending he is himself now. I wish you all great lives and hope peace finds its way to you!


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#62202 - 10/12/04 04:39 PM Re: Update and ways I found to cope!
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Jaywho,

Good to see you! and great to hear that you and your husband are set for a happy future. You've made a beautiful, insightful post here.
Quote:
I was not going to be frightened of the past! I was going to help him find his peace so I could find mine. I think the beauty of this story is simple; find your peace and others will follow!

I had to fix me before I could accept him. He had to fix himself before I could believe in him again! I had to realize my standards and the way I think life was suppose to be isnít always gonna be so.
I remember back in the summer, one of your last posts here asked about allowing ourselves to be happy, choosing to let go of our pain. I certainly got the sense from reading your words that whatever you chose to do with your pain, you'd find the strength to do. You and your husband both have a lot to feel proud about.

You're right, there are no magic words on this site, and none of us can see through the screen into each other's homes and lives. The support and information here is just one tool for us to take away from the screen and apply for ourselves, in the way that works best for each of us. But what we do have here is just awesome, I don't know what I would have done without it-- and it's open to you anytime.

Take care
SAR


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#62203 - 10/12/04 09:37 PM Re: Update and ways I found to cope!
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
i thought i was doing so damn good -- and then i read these words, and i sit here in tears --- i am so fucking confused -- and nothing nothing seems to be the right answer ever....
i am so scared, and not of facing arguments or tears or moving -- i've done all that shit and it aint nuthing but a chiden wing
i'm scared of dying alone, it just that fucking simple
i'm scared of not having him beside me holding me and being there with my girls to hold them all together....
jesus dear god all i ever wanted was for us to be a family no matter how much i had to give up to be that
and i am preparing to walk away yet again, i have no strength to fight for him, i cant fight with him
he's too busy doing that with himself
so perhaps may be i should just sit here still and do nothing
i hate fear, and i hate that this has all been turnibng into not what i wanted ever
i dont even know what i want
there will never be freedom, there will always be questions of what if ----
i think even if he does this divorce thing, i know i can survive, put on a happy face and glide away .... but there will still be nights i wont sleep
becausse what if?
i dont trust myself enough to make it on my own even tho i bullshit and say i can
i havent survived this long without the help of others, and i have anever felt so fucking lonely and scared in all my life
i'm sorry i'm pissin on this writing of hope, but it brke something loose in me
what i have ;been holdin gback forso olong and i just want to be held while i cryl it hurts so much when i know it coujld be the best thing oreven thge worst thing
it just is and it sucks like nothiang i have; e ver felt befoffe in my life i think i ad rather hear him tell me again over and over relive what happened that changed osur life togehrr 3 yrs ago

I JU8ST WANT MY FUCCKING LIFE BACKL GOD AMMAMAMMADDDNNNNNIITTTTTTTT
LIT6S NOT FA;SAASAIIIIRRRR I WANT FUCKING DO OVERS !!! AND I WANT TO KEEP0 MY FUCKING MOUTH SHUT AND JUST PRENT4END NONE OF IT EVER HAPNPEND AND PRENTENED IT DOESNT FUCKING MATTER!!!
and i am sorry sofror being bad, but it is o hard; to know he doersnt want me that i acanb anever be renoiugh; to help him or for him; to want toa be with me when eh was asll that; ckept me goiang so ;maNY TIMES he wa;s the one who made me wstrong w;hen i wasnt


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#62204 - 10/13/04 12:30 AM Re: Update and ways I found to cope!
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Sammy, and Jay.
This whole topic says so many things.
First there's Jay's message of hope, and then Sammy's despair.

But you both have so much in common, you BOTH fought, supported and tried you hardest to understand the mind of a Survivor.
You did it out of love, you did it because you wanted the man who swept you off your feet back again.

Unfortunately it says more about the men in both of your lives that it does about you two.
You, as partners, can't heal for us. If we choose to heal we will.

Both of you can hold your heads high, the results are down to US, not you.
The support and love you give is your badge of courage, wear it with pride. Whatever the outcome.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#62205 - 10/13/04 04:17 AM Re: Update and ways I found to cope!
jaywho Offline
Member

Registered: 06/29/04
Posts: 39
Loc: WV
Sammy, like your reading my post, I read your post and a tears entered my eyes. Dave said you had much despair in your writing but I wanted to give some insight that may help, may not; but is my lesson in my own battle. You say your dying. I fear that for myself one day, I expect it within the next 5 years to be exact. Not because I have a doctor telling me but because my mother died of Breast Cancer when she was 32 and I accept I will follow in her path. I have a history of anxiety towards death, I have a constant cloud of the “what if's”. I was 16 months when she died; she was diagnosed when she was carrying me. Being a Christian lady she chose not to abort, big decision in 1975 without the current medical advancements. She had 5 other children, I have a hard time with the “what if's” especially when my siblings have a hard time still to this day. If she would have aborted me there was more medical assistance, she chose not and here I am!

I'm 28 and have had 8 surgeries; I go to the doctor and always expect the worse. Usually it is, I now just go with the flow. I've had 2 complete breast reconstructions in the last 5 years, no boob's here. . Ha, ha. I do laugh cause guess what; “I'M STILL ALIVE!”. Never cancer, thank God, always just precaution! I know, what does this have to do on a SA board and what am I trying to say? Bear with me!

The last episode I prayed and asked God to use me at his will but please don't let me die. You wouldn't believe the people praying for me that hadn't been on their knees for a while. I accepted that what ever will happen is gonna happen and it always will. We can't control today or yesterday but we can make a decision in our minds to live for the moment. You say a lot in all your posts that you're dying. You're not dead yet!


Quote:
i'm scared of dying alone, it just that fucking simple
i'm scared of not having him beside me holding me and being there with my girls to hold them all together....
jesus dear god all i ever wanted was for us to be a family no matter how much i had to give up to be that
and i am preparing to walk away yet again, i have no strength to fight for him, i cant fight with him
he's too busy doing that with himself
so perhaps may be i should just sit here still and do nothing
Who is there for your girls now? You can't make someone love you, you can't make them try but you can give yourself that's all we have. Your girls will remember more of the things “bad” that happened instead of the “good”. Your girls whether he is there or not will also always love you. My siblings keep my mother alive in my eyes; they have the great memories. You gotta remember that you're making the last ones for them now. I'm not saying that your not, I just wish to have had that time! This quote struck a nerve in me. I thought honestly to myself that I would rather deal with him not being there and knowing I did all I could. You said no matter what you gotta give up, sometimes it's giving up on your expectations and like you said, doing nothing. You said you couldn't argue with him, he does this with himself enough. That also struck a nerve cause you gotta love and forgive yourself before you can love another. If he is arguing with himself, it is himself that is taking priority now. You gotta let him breath!

Quote:
i dont even know what i want
there will never be freedom, there will always be questions of what if ----
i think even if he does this divorce thing, i know i can survive, put on a happy face and glide away .... but there will still be nights i wont sleep
becausse what if?
It's simple really I asked myself those same questions. I thought about the “what if's” and then I decided I'd rather live with them; WITH HIM then live alone and have more “what if"s“! Like for myself and all of us we need to ask ourselves deep down some questions. I heard once that if you leave a divorce with the “what if's” then you will never be happy but if you exhaust them all and try, you'll live a happy, free life.

For instance, what is your “what if's” exactly? Not his faults that you can't change but yours? Like for myself it was “what if I continue to bring this up and fight about it what will I get from it?” I answered that well, a husband I love and loved me divorced two children with a weekend father and a lifelong journey of unhappiness because I refused to break through my pride and accept things I can't change. Another famous one for myself was “what if he did it again?” Well then just like my post said, I couldn't and still can't get over some things but it's his job to prove to me I don't have to worry.

My hope for the future is in my husband's hands. I would have never gotten through this without sympathy, compassion, respect, forgiveness, empathy and mostly his regrets. If he didn't show me there was regret or sadness for his actions then what respect was there for me? I needed to see his pain, feel his heart aches and then realize why mine hurt as well. I pushed my husband to “tell all” not because I was nosey but because I needed to know why he let it control our life. It was none of my business, the SA; until my life was affected. I am a strong willed woman and the posts saying “not to push” I did it anyway! You gotta know how to push and why you're pushing first! I couldn't fully forgive my husband until I understood why. Why he would need to seek revenge and jeopardize our lives. How his pain then could cause so much pain now.

I'm not a survivor but in the voices, the tears and the trembling hands I saw a 6-year-old not the 29-year-old man I married. In anything we do in life we have reason. You can NEVER say “I'd do ****” until you've faced it, until then you never know!

Everything in life has a “what if” attachment. Like what if I went to collage for this instead of this. Or if I bought the bigger house I'd be happier but more broke! (Ha, ha) I just decided one day to fix myself and take away the what if's and live with the things I couldn't change. I decided to look at myself daily and accept him for him. No one is ever gonna be up to your expectations but only you can change YOUR expectations to met YOUR needs.

Quote:
I JU8ST WANT MY FUCCKING LIFE BACKL GOD AMMAMAMMADDDNNNNNIITTTTTTTT
LIT6S NOT FA;SAASAIIIIRRRR I WANT FUCKING DO OVERS !!! AND I WANT TO KEEP0 MY FUCKING MOUTH SHUT AND JUST PRENT4END NONE OF IT EVER HAPNPEND AND PRENTENED IT DOESNT FUCKING MATTER!!!
It all boils down to what you really want. I wanted our life back. I chose to research and become open-minded. I wanted my children to have their father. I wanted the man I knew he was not the “fairytale” the real man I loved. Like I said too, the probability is a lot of my staying open-minded. I have a great husband, always have, we had 5 great years before his “fuck up” 5 great years after and I think the probability of it the next 50 is 100%. I just had to get past my “expectations” and realize that until I walked a day in his shoes I couldn't expect shit! To be quite honest I don't blame him for anything.

We ALL have physiological problems., I'm dying in 5 years and nothings wrong with me. He has a history of SA and he let it control him,. No different than my fear of death and not being able to ride a roller coaster with my children. I'm controlled with the idea of dying and leaving my children like my mother did. He is controlled by not letting any more FUCKERS abuse him and him stay quiet!

You gotta accept there are things in life that we can't control. Life, death, feelings. . Especially when their not yours! He is what I wanted, the day I married him and now. He is a better man now; I promise yours will be too, patients it will come. Just remember also that SA isn't your relationship, it is a part of your relationship. Just like the SA isn't his life, it is apart of his life. Perspective, you gotta remember what's most important.

You dying, I pray for you. I fear that myself. Alone would be awful but more importantly living alone would hurt me most. I think I would and did welcome death when my battle just began, I didn't know what else would take away the pain. I then started reading and researching. “The purpose driven life” by Rick Warren. It was a God send for me. I realized this isn't “my” life, I have a purpose! I think one of them is to stand beside my husband and love him through any faults. I want respect, admiration, love and honesty. Those things I will not settle with any less, but the other things . . that's apart of him, it makes him the person I loved!

I typed so inserts from the “Purpose driven life” these are the things that drove my life dealing with my pain. I learned a lot of what controlled me and I'm beginning to understand life isn't a prison, it is what you make of it!

Chapter 3 What drives your life?

GUILT? People driven by guilt spend their entire lives running from regrets and hiding their shame. Guilt-driven people are manipulated by memories. They allow their past to control their future. They often unconsciously punish themselves by sabotaging their own success.

WE are products of our past, but we don't have to be prisoners of it!

RESENTMENT AND ANGER? They hold hurts and never get over them. Instead of releasing their pain through forgiveness they rehearse it over and over in their minds. Resentment always hurts you more than the person you resent. While your offender is probably forgotten the offense and gone on with life, you continue to stew in your pain, perpetuating the past.
Listen: Those who have hurt you in the past cannot continue to hurt you now unless you hold on to the pain. LET YOUR PAST BE PAST! Nothing will change it, learn from it and then let it go!


FEAR? Fear is a self-imposed prison that will keep you from becoming what God intends you to be. Many times fear driven people miss great opportunities because they're afraid to venture out. They play it safe, avoiding risks.

Life is a gamble, choice or loose! Make what time you have here worth something. That's all we leave, memories! For better or worse is a great ending. To love something would also be to love it fully, with all faults, all imperfections just love, whole.. Pure. Honest. That's all we have, that's what's most important.


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