Hey ! I hope you are doing well. I just wanted to throw in thoughts in no particular order. Just wanted to share.
I have not been here in a while 'cos I have been overwhelmed by work (really stressed lately) and the major changes going on in my life. I am about to step into another new life: it is scary and challenging too. Apart from that, I receive more calls or e-mails from survivors. My name is going around so I am asked for info or support.
Lately a friend from IID organization called me 'cos he was going through a tough phase of horrible memories of his abuse. He can't tell his wife and he trusts me enough to share. But it is really hard. There is no limit to abuser's perversity.
I am working more and more as a therapist and it is hard. I tell you it is really hard to take it in and go home and deal with it. I understand more why V. never shared the story of his abuse with me. I feel also very admirative of all the good therapists working with survivors. They are truly amazing people.
I dated another guy but while he gave me a massage, which was paradise, it triggered me really bad. He left the room to cry. After that he came back and shared a lot of his pain (he is not a survivor but his brother died last year commiting suicide). Few days later he became distant. Then I wrote him a long later to tell him the story of my abuse. Then he broke up. Tough and it became a huge trigger for me to deal with. Feeling like a freak and like going around in a circle. Dating a survivor who can understand but too dysfunctional to have a relationship with or dating a non survivor who cannot understand and runs away which ends up with me being stuck with the same intimacy problems over and over again. Tough really.
To add to that pain, I though the mourning period for V was over. It is not over 'cos he is still there in my heart and doesn't want to go away. I am crying again tonight.
Last week end, I went to the countryside in Normandy and spent the week end in a buffalo farm (yes we have buffalos in France !!!). I went there to do a sweatlodge with an amazing chief and medecine man from Quebec Dominique Rankin. I knew him from my first trip in Québec. It was a fantastic and powerful spiritual experience. I stayed for all the four doors. It was also a moving experience when I found out that this man was also a survivor (raped by a priest and a nun during his time in the horrible boarding school). He made me realize how stuck I am with not wanting to forgive my parents. But I just can't.
Another male survivor friend suddenly went into acting out mode because he is not well, coming out of a year of denial of his problems. I was very sad to see him like that and I had to step away 'cos I was too fragile to take any of this acting out. I realized that when people are in pain, they become afraid sometimes of ceasing an opportunity to get better.Then they'd rather invent a story and criticize this opportunity rather than admitting they are afraid of it.
I talked to my supervisor for the first time recently regarding my research in dance/movement therapy (setting up a program for male survivors). He asked my motivation for working with survivors. I opened my heart told him and he cried. I guess he is a survivor too. Amazing this life where I meet along the way so many male survivors. My supervisor said I had a wonderful project in my hands and he has agreed to supervise it. Now looking for a place in Québec where to do my research. At he same time, I found out that the company where I am working is closing down. Will therefore ask for benefits and use them to do this research.
Life is weird I tell you. I feel I am in a very dark place right now, not knowing where to go.
Sometimes I wonder "what for ?" since we are so insignificant in comparison with nature, the infinite of time, the soul migration, the slow evolution of people and our impact on things.
I am So ignorant and the more I learn about life the less I know about things. Is that the beginning of wisdom ? You tell me ! But sure life is strange. Glad I was able to share that with you guys !
Sending you my love and blessing. Keep walking even if you are in the dark just like me !