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#62152 - 10/10/04 08:19 AM Hi! I'm new.
Lark Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/10/04
Posts: 4
Loc: Ashland, OR
Hello! I'm so glad to have found this place of communication and connection. It can be so hard to be the partner of a survivor sometimes. It feels good to know that there are others out there going through some of the same things. My partner is feeling triggered and mad at me right now. He's in his room with the door closed and doesn't want to talk. I'm learning how to let him be angry at me without getting angry back at him, to just allow him to feel angry even if he feels like it's me that he's angry with. Tonight he said that he felt abandonned and rejected and that it reminded him of how he felt during his childhood. I know, in my heart that I have done nothing wrong. I mostly feel sad that his childhood has caused him to feel triggered like this. I also feel a need to defend myself against his accusations. Does this feel familiar to you?


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#62153 - 10/10/04 03:38 PM Re: Hi! I'm new.
gina Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/01/04
Posts: 12
Welcome Lark. \:\) *hugs*

I can empathize with what you said, yes.

Quote:
Originally posted by Lark:
I'm learning how to let him be angry at me without getting angry back at him, to just allow him to feel angry even if he feels like it's me that he's angry with...

IMO that is a tremendous part of what it is all about, and shows a great level of achievement. Good for you. I hope you come by here whenever you need to talk, or get stuff out.

~gina


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#62154 - 10/10/04 07:52 PM Re: Hi! I'm new.
Lark Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/10/04
Posts: 4
Loc: Ashland, OR
Hi, Gina! Thanks for responding. Last night and this morning have been so intense. I dreamt that I was sleeping in a house where a mother was screaming and beating her baby upstairs, and I woke up at dawn shaking and feeling scared. This morning my partner has been so intense, telling me how dishonest, unkind, and disrespectful I am to him. I have really looked inside, and I feel with my whole heart that I have done nothing wrong. It's like he gets triggered and feels like I'm his parents who want to hurt him and be unkind to him all over again. I told him about finding this site, and he felt like I was using this as a tool to blame him and that he could find some website about me and write his sob story. He decided that he didn't want to talk to me anymore and gave me the "Leave me Alone", so I went into my room screamed into my pillow and sobbed. He walked out of the house. Sometimes I just don't know how to protect myself from his accusations and harshness. I feel mistreated and sad...


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#62155 - 10/10/04 08:58 PM Re: Hi! I'm new.
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Hello Lark,
I'm glad you found this site also. It is a great source of information and comfort when the world is seemingly in a constant swirl.
Right now my hubby is mad at me too -- raging is what he says. I got a 3 hour lecture / talk last night about how I have been so awful in 18 yrs together and all of my screw ups.
I tried to explain to him that how did I know I was doing something he didnt like if he never spoke up to me.
By the time he left he was so shut down and closed off it was so obvious that he was inside of this steel chamber.
He sees his T on monday and plans to file for divorce on Monday also. After this last week I woke this afternoon about 1 pm and I think I have just finally hit my own wall, I am thinking now about how good it is going to feel to not have to see him or deal with him anymore.
No matter how much I have tried to tell him that I care, I love him and still want to be married to him -- he just keeps pushing away. The whole time he is accusing me of pushing him away, Well we had ONE session together -- which he stomped out of twice.
I dont know if it ever will get better -- I know he is in a whole bunch of pain for what ever reasons he is not able to tell me, but physically and emotionally I cannot take what has become abuse anymore.
Its too bad that the damn abusers get so many victims for so many years and the generations that follow.....
I wish you lots of luck, and peace for yourself -- try to hang on to YOU, because the deal is he can only do his own healing and choose his own path in doing so....
Peace, Sammy


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#62156 - 10/10/04 10:54 PM Re: Hi! I'm new.
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Hi Lark,

I hope things are going better for you and your boyfriend as the night progresses.

Have you or your boyfriend looked around the site? I know my boyfriend does not personally feel "ready" to read and post on the discussion board, but he has read several of the articles on the site and found them to be a great help to him.

The feelings that we have as significant others of survivors are real, and we have every right to feel and express them. But sometimes those feelings are extremely hard for survivors to understand or acknowledge, without feeling a lot of guilt and fear. Maybe he's defensive about your being here because he has a hard time with the idea that you've been hurt as a result of his abuse? This is something that might just be too much for him to "get" until he is in a more stable and trusting place.

It is okay for both of you to feel angry, even to be angry with each other from time to time, but it is not okay for him to mistreat and accuse you. Please take care of yourself too. There is so much anger left from the abuse, if you allow your relationship to become a dumping ground for his anger, it will be nothing else.

SAR


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#62157 - 10/10/04 11:41 PM Re: Hi! I'm new.
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Lark
we are a bucnh of difficult and angry men, but you know that already.
We don't take kindly to being pushed around or told what to do, something else you know I guess

6 or 7 years into my healing I also know how much I hurt my wife when I was being a complete arsehole, as I often was.
But it's the rage inside of us, we mis-direct it. You guys get it because we don't where else to send it at the time. It's not an excuse I know, but most Survivors just shoot wildly, especially in the early days.

One thing I have suggested in the past is to get a copy of a book such as Mike Lew's excelent one "Victims No Longer" ( available through Amazon Books via the "Bookstore" link at the top of the page. We get a small % of all books purchased this way ) anyway, after the sales pitch.
Maybe get a copy to read it yourself, there is a good chapter about partners and their issues in it.
But if it's left where he can find it my guess is that curiosity would get the better of him and he'd start reading.
But you obviously know him better than I do, and will know if this might work or not.

One other thing -
Quote:
try to hang on to YOU, because the deal is he can only do his own healing and choose his own path in doing so....
Sammy and the others are right, look after yourself first and foremost. Healing from SA is a selfish business at times, for everyone involved.

Take care
Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#62158 - 10/11/04 06:05 PM Re: Hi! I'm new.
Lark Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/10/04
Posts: 4
Loc: Ashland, OR
Dear Sammy, SAR, and Dave, thanks SO much for your kind words of wisdom. This is such a lifeline...Sammy, I'm really sorry to hear about your possible divorce. My partner, JC, and I are engaged, but I'm afraid that things will turn out the same way. I've tried to write back a couple of times to you guys now, but JC keeps taking the laptop from me. We've been sharing it for months, and we share the cost of internet access, but now that he knows that I've found this site, he doesn't want me to use it anymore. He's at work now. Things have gotten the worst they've ever been. When he took the laptop the first time last night, I told him to sleep in his room. We have our own rooms, but we sleep on his futon in my room. He said that he didn't want me to sleep on his futon, and I said "Fuck you" under my breath. He went into my room, tore the futon of the frame and dragged it out to the living room. I made a bed on the floor. He later came into my room with puppy dog eyes and we had sex. Our relationship has gotten SO disfunctional, and I'm feeling so abused. I want to try to find some help today. I think that regardless of whether we're going to do couples counsling, I really need to get some counsling for myself. Thanks for listening... \:\(


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#62159 - 10/11/04 10:15 PM Re: Hi! I'm new.
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Lark,
I can really relate to the puppy dog eyes stuff after acting like a total spoiled brat bullshit. I responded to it for about 18 years. About an hour ago I got the final answer as to what is going to happen to this marriage.
Divorce.
He says he comes out of counseling more confused than going in... and I said yes I know that feeling -- especially in the very early stages of recovery. But he has been truly holding my life in his hands for just a few more years than the last 3 . I have agreed to just end the bullshit. If he needs to wallow or feel bad and wants the divorce to punish himself, or set himself free the only thing I can want for him is to be happy.
I told him that, he is now busily coming up with excuses as to why he doesnt have any money to come up with to pay for a divorce, .... supposedly the pawn shops are closed ? hmmm possibly but I dont remember columbus day ever being a day that most general business's closed for it.?? But I could be wrong,....
It was a hard night last night not just for him, but because I was having my own fucking flash backs, of course I know the stress has triggered them.
I feel a sense of relief by finally knowing now at least what few steps I will be taking over the next few weeks to get myself stabilized.
Pretty sure I am going to accept an offer to move up by my best Gf and her folks, hell they are closer family than any of my own have been so shit... why not go home? LOL -- nuts aint it?
BEFORE you marry this man, make damn sure that you have both been in counseling and most if not ALL of the dreaded monsters have been dealt with --- and be prepared for the worst outcome, that it wont work into a marriage -- even the healthiest of marriages take a whole bunch of strength to keep in a good place. Starting one where there are KNOWN problems to arise just gives you a heads up on knowing to get the help it will require.
Best of luck to you and keep repeating the Mantra "I cannot heal him, only HE can heal himself"... Your value is only the amount of value of what you place upon yourself -- And in saying that your energies must feed your own self before you can have the ability to support another person.
Peace, Sammy


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#62160 - 10/12/04 12:23 AM Re: Hi! I'm new.
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Lark
I didn't disclose my SA to anyone until I told my wife just before our 25th wedding anniversary.

By that point the 26th was looking unlikely.

We had the strength of about 20 years of good marriage to work with though, which we both chose to do. But it was still hard, and during the early days of my healing things nearly went bad more than once, mainly due to my erratic, self-centred behaviour as I sorted my head out - at the expense of everyone else around me.

I would urge you to think VERY hard about your future.
Marriage could mean many things to your Survivor boyfriend, such as a 'way out' of the pain and confusion he's in, which it won't be.
He could also see you as his 'saviour' - you're not, he is.

It could also show him that you love him, and are committed to him. Which could be the first time anyone has ever done that for him.

I don't think it's your reasons for marrying you need to think about, but his.

Hard words I know, but I know what I was like, and so many other Survivors are the same.
We're not easy people......

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#62161 - 10/12/04 12:58 AM Re: Hi! I'm new.
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Lark,

It has been my experience that once certain lines of acceptable/unacceptable behavior have been crossed, they don't get "un" crossed unless something drastic happens. So, if your boyfriend felt that it was okay for him to keep you from using possessions that you share, or to pull furniture around the house and leave you without a bed, it will probably take more than a counseling session or deep conversation, or even a wedding ring for him to change those behaviors.

I have been with my boyfriend for eight years and a few times I have thought, "if this happens it will get better." It didn't get better when we moved, or when we had a first child, or a second, or even when his acting out was discovered. It only got better when he realized that he didn't like the person he was becoming or the life he was living.

It got better for ME when I realized that I was allowed to set and insist on standards for myself. If I found myself in a situation like the one I was in with my boyfriend five years ago, I would leave. Knowing that I am not going back to that life, even if he does, was a help to me.

Only you can say what you find acceptable and unacceptable-- but once you've decided, stay true to yourself.


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