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#62109 - 10/06/04 05:32 PM I'm confused
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
I'm so confused right now and have been for several days now.
I can't seem to do anything "right". This crap called "healing" is so full of shit I cant see or think straight.
I want to support him the best I can, but he is not allowing me or anyone else into his circle of what ever is spinning in his head.
Today marks the 3rd day beginning I haven't heard a damn thing from him. We went to a counseling session together and I dont know if it made anything better between us or if it made it worse.
I geuss I am pretty pissed off in part because it's not like I don't know how much he hurts, inside his head , and heart and body. Getting through to some level of normalcy (what ever the fuck that is) is the hardest thing in the world to do.
During our "session" he got pissed and walked out twice. His therapist isnt quite the fat bastard I wanted to believe he was, in fact he was pretty damn nice. Hubby however wanted to treat everyone like shit. Especially himself for some reason.
Right now hubby is so busy pointing fingers at all of my fuck ups its all I can do not to just throw in the towel and not kill myself.
I know he was and is overwhelmed with everything, but damn if I can tell him how fucking scared I am all the time, why cant he hear that and at least pretend to give a shit?
He is on this kick that the whole marriage has been years of bullshit -- no matter how much I try or anyone tries to point out the good stuff, he quickly discounts it and says the only answer is divorce. That trust can never be regained -- hell I'd like to know just exactly WHEN he ever trusted me to begin with?
He did go to his group mtg sunday night and came home calmer, but still pissy. I told him I thought he seemed more relaxed and did he think he was doing ok? --
I get the same 3 answers I've been getting for 18 yrs. -- I'm tired, I'm confused, I dont know.
He's been really pushing me away, and hard too. When I ask him why, he starts yelling and is angry as shit, told me he doesnt know whether to beat the shit out of me or out of XX. WEll, hell he wont hit me, I told him if it would make him feel better do it -- not like I havent been hit before, he says then he doesnt want to go to jail.
He was pissed because my doc said I am not supposed to be alone, but I decided I couldnt stay there any longer no matter how sick I am as he just was making my life miserable wanting to be miserable himself. I geuss he needs that.
He keeps telling me its all my fault that he didnt do anything to help me because I "pushed him away" and told him "dont look" -- I admitted to SOME of doing that. AND I know I have not been easy to live with, no one is. BUT I did point out that for all these past 15 fucking yrs I've been in therapy so I wouldnt do shit to hurt him or anyone else.... apparently that has not been enough, some how I deprived him of friendships and dating other people????
I asked why he married me then when he could have said no -- he had no answer other than "I felt and feel guilty". Oh THAT's wonderful huh?
I told him if he leaves me now and divorces me now he is just grabbing onto yet another bag of guilt to carry around and to be a martyr, because without him I have no health insur, and now he tells me that he is NOT scared of me dying (i think this is bullshit) --
So I told him go file the fucking papers I wasnt going to fight for anything, hell I signed it all over to him long ago when I got diagnosed anyway to protect his credit.
I am sure I said plenty of mean shit but so did he, I told him he is showing the girls that when they are in a real crisis he is not going to be there for them. Supposedly that doesnt matter to him ?? I wonder when that changed and if he just went along for the ride just to look like a "normal person"?....
First he agreed to marriage counseling with the therapist in the room, then later that day he said he only said he would because "that's what everyone wanted him to say". I told him that was bullshit and a cop out, that if he cant be honest in therapy with anyone especially himself then he will never get any better.
So later he tells me he "wants to date other women"..
He could not grasp in anyway what his sex addiction was like from my end for all these years, a "mistress" that had no face, and no name, except for the prostitutes. Which every time he tells me about the prostitutes he changes the "story" of them.
I asked him if he was going to be honest with whoever he dated and tell her he is an addict and that he has had sex with a bunch of prostitutes so they could protect themselves -- he said he didnt know.???L
He comes home telling me this and that person said he should leave me and throw me out because I had a short sexual affair -- but he is asking people who are 20 and only have been in short term boyfriend girlfriend relationships, a man who is living with his wife in the basement because neither will move out of the house neither wants to give up the house (how stupid is that shit?), a mid 20's guy who has never dated or been married. A man who is about 10 yrs older than him & been divorced for 11 years, doesnt and wont date AND a female in his class who lives with her boyfriend and claims she wont ever get married (but she sure likes to spend time with hubby?)...
All these years and just now he is telling me how ugly I am? What a horrible person I have been and that I have kept him from having a "real life".
And gee it was just a few months ago he wanted me to move back in with him, do marriage counseling and have grand babies together???
So apparently I am and have been some kind of a bitch monster and he is just now informing me of this.???
I told him to just "buy me out", I only need a couple grand to move. I live in one state that I accepted emergency housing from, and draw my SSI from another state and neither state will give me food stamps or medical -- the waiting list to move is over 3 yrs --- doc said I MIGHT get 5 more years.
He is blaming me for "running away" because I moved out when I found out he was being charged with a sexual assault, but shit I didnt and still dont know what to do? I dont think I could have made ANY move that would have been right. If I had stayed it would have been sending a message to my girls that it is ok for women to stay with a man who emotionally abuses and uses the shit out of you --- some how he keeps forgetting the part that the only reason his ass is not in prison for ten years is that my doctors wrote letters to the judge asking for leinency because of my illness???? AND that I was the ONLY one who went to court with him to face those charges, AND the reason he only spent evenings in jail -- he was supposedly taking care of me... AND that I have been asking for just over 8 years for marriage counseling?
I dont know how I am going to take care of myself, I barely can pay my rent, let alone buy meds....hell he has 3 vehicles and I wont have any so I wont even be able to get to and from doc appts --- it costs over 50 dollars a "van ride" to get to a doc (which i would have to change docs bleck, if I could find one who would take me on) then you ride the van with the earliest appt and stay until the LAST appt. -- If anyone knows anything about heart disease etc, then thats just out of the question -- my body just couldnt stand it.
Ya know I know I fucked up when I screwed XX -- but hubby wasnt and hasnt been around and available, unless HE wanted me to do something for him. Like go pick up a furnace and drive a truck that I couldnt even get myself in and out of ....
How come he can use the excuse that he was drunk and cant remember how he got in bed with an 18 yr old and fucked her, then took weeks to tell me and gave me an STD she gave him --- but I cant use the defense that I was under the influence of huge doses of mega drugs and scared and traumatized and was an easy target ????
Hey, I am not blaming XX -- screw that maybe I didnt have all my faculties together but I'm not blaming or using it as an excuse ---
My therapist keeps telling me he is just too scared to deal with me dying so he is pushing me away so he doesnt have to deal with it.
I asked him if he would even bother coming to my memorial service when I croak, he blandly replied "ya i would" -- oh that comforted me to know the girls would have him to help them out... what a dumb ass....
I dont know what to do anymore, its been 3 years since the whole rape bullshit, and I told him in tears that all I have wanted is for him to come and take me out of this stupid housing place (there are more sex offenders and crack heads here than any other place its scarey!) -- Shit I have been willing to help in anyway I can, but he said he doesnt give a flying fuck about how or if I live anymore....
18 years, and it all is coming out now? What a stupid time to pick
oh and he said that I fucked up the worst because of the "timing" that I screwed XX??? Like ANYTIME would have been fine? Thats bullshit and he knows it...
Apparently my therapist is going to try to get me more help? HELP? AHAHAHAHAHA!
the only fucking help I need is in fucking just dying and getting this life over....
I cant even get moved close to any of my brothers who would at least help me to the grocery, my daughters dont want me they said I am too much work for them and they have these really important things to do like go to work, .... and pay their bills......
I'm beyond depressed --- i'm not even sure if I am numb....
I dont know why i wrote all this shit out --- maybe so others could really consider do they want to spend or exert energies into a survivor, there is no good end -- at least none that I have ever experienced...
I cant handle anymore --- tried to talk to my GF and she said she understands... but WHAT does she understand? She couldnt say, offered that I could come stay with her... oh isnt that nice? how the fuck am I going to be able to move 3 states away when I cant even move across the river into different housing?
awwww fuck it....
he said one time he was afraid I "wouldnt die" -- I just never realized he was that serious


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#62110 - 10/06/04 05:56 PM Re: I'm confused
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
Sweetheart - I am at work right now, so can't spend too much time reading or responding.

I will only say, for now, that this has all the classic signs & symptoms of an abusive marriage - SA or no SA.

It is INCREDIBLY difficult to break free from this kind of scenario - please do not blame yourself: all abused women have the same horrible conflicts.

Your health situation is certainly complicating matters (du-uh). I haven't been able to read through your entire post, so PLEASE forgive me if you have already answered this... but have you consulted with a women's advocacy group? Most groups recognize that abusive relationships are not limited to battering. You can also find all kinds of help with social programs there too.

With Love,

Kol-Isha

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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#62111 - 10/06/04 07:47 PM Re: I'm confused
gina Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/01/04
Posts: 12
It's so good to vent, huh?

I agree with Kolisha. Check with advocacy groups. You need a break, and help from people who are not part of this vicious cycle.

As much as you want to help and support him, and preserve your relationship, I think right now you need to take care of *YOU*. If it's at all possible with the help of outside agencies you need to take a break from this and find your own center, and strength. It is so unfortunate you can't seem to get the support you need from those around you.

Repeat this over and over to yourself, until you can believe it. His emotional responses are not under your control. You cannot change them, you cannot worry, fix, or change how he feels about things, only *HE* can.

You are not responsible for his feelings. Nor is he for yours. Do not blame yourself. Anything he says that implies blame or hurt is just manipulation. Don't give into it.

*hugs*


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#62112 - 10/07/04 04:45 AM Re: I'm confused
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
At this point, it seems the only thing keeping your husband from having the life he wants is himself. And I don't mean, "he could pick himself up and sign the divorce papers", I mean, he could let go of guilt and grief and blaming everyone in sight for the bad times in a marriage of which he was 50 percent. Sadly there is no way to accelerate that process (yeah I know, tell you something you don't know).

Sammy, I truly wish the docs had better news for you than maybe five years. But they are your five years... and if three days can feel so prolonged and detailed, imagine what you can pack into five years or even three. I do believe that you can seek out something beautiful and positive in every day from then to now, even if it's just something small. As far as I'm concerned that would be a damned good end.

Let us know how you're doing Sammy
SAR


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#62113 - 10/07/04 08:12 PM Re: I'm confused
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Thanks so much for your kind thoughts you guys. I am doing the i'm kinda numb or dumb thing right now.
Hubby called yesterday to "see how i was doing", but I just choked up and started to cry ... that seemed to piss him off? His voice was really mean and all I could tell him was that I was trying to figure out how to get into a more stable situation for myself -- some how he took even that as some sort of an attack? I just spoke the truth, told him I just seemed to be waiting for the knock on the door from the sherriff serving me the divorce papers. Then he tells me he will call me first "IF" he decides to do that? HUH?
I think he has this sense of false power and is using it to hurt me as much as he can.
I went to see my therapist and he just was as baffled as I am about the whole thing. He says he cant get his head around hubbys behavior or thoughts either, My therapist was pissed tho that my GP had set up an appt with a gal in his ofc to help me try to get housing and stuff on the other side of the river ... said he could do that, I dont know I just got up and walked out of the session it all seemed so fucking pointless.
I did speak with my Irish twin brother and he said he will help me get moved down to where he and the other 3 brothers are living. At least if I am close to them, they will help me out, by taking me to the store and stuff -- I found out also that neice or nephew #44 is now on the way! WHEW! I'm glad no one exchanges gifts or just my pocket book would be keeping walmart in business!
Anyway he said he is going to see if he can find a place for me in a low income housing unit that is close to them. I'd share a place with them, but man that many kids coming and going and all the fighting and stuff they do... UGH! I love them to death , but I know they would drive me insane being that close too.... At least tho the boys are there for me and are willing to help me out.
Its not a very big city, but small enough I could and can get around on the bus system if I needed to. The only drawback that I can see is if my adoptive parents found out I moved there, then they would be coming by probably just about every day with some line of crap or trouble to stir up. BLECH!! I probably could keep my docs that I have now as long as I have a vehicle to drive or someone to drive me. That shouldnt be too much of a problem with all those neices and nephews huh?
I know I am doing what is probably called isolating, but for right now thats all the energy I have.
I dont really care anymore what hubby is doing or how he is doing, perhaps I am just in this mode of getting ready to purge the last of what I have for energy so I can move on?
I think I realized just exactly how much bullshit baggage he has been carrying when in therapy one of the therapist asked me to give my perspective on the marriage -- and it just popped out of my mouth -- that he has been so busy dragging along all these bags of guilt for some unknown reason that he hasn't had time along the way or room for the good stuff to come into his life.
Ya know being sick and shit aint that big of a deal, its just how my life has ended up. I do use all of my good days to be productive doing the stuff I want to do... I learned a long time ago that it doesnt matter how freaking clean the house is or if the dishes are done or not -- there are and is always an opportunity to do something else usually more fun, and more meaningful. I've got good docs that even if I lose insurance they said they would still see me and take care of me -- (they do now and even tho it isnt right they make sure i get meds when i cant afford them) -- I do my best to take care of myself first, then worry about the other crap -- And even tho Doc said maybe 5 more good years , shoot I know people who have outlived that by many years.... so I try not to concentrate on that - the sucky part tho is when I am down it creeps into my thot process and starts this spiral of thots to "just get it over with".
It may not seem that way, but generally I do. I wonder now that I made that statement if that has pissed off hubby some? That I quit putting his shit first all the time and started taking care of what I need when I need it rather than him?
I'm pretty sure in his head he knows he is the only one who can let go of what ever bags of crap he is carrying, but I think thru my own experience anyway that it is such a scarey process he is striking out to hurt anyone and whoever he can mostly himself so he has a "reason" to to validate how bad everything is.
I dont have any answers and am not going to pretend that I am in some sort of mode that I have all this shit figured out -- I still want to be married to my husband, even if he is acting like a complete asshole right now -- I'm not pushing and I aint pulling -- he has to fight this on his own, if he wants my help he can come ask for it... in the mean time I will just continue doing what I have been doing....
BTW, I know there are a lot of groups for support out there, like Gilda's club etc for the interim, but because I actually have insurance still (hubby hasnt dropped me yet) I dont qualify for so many programs. The only real group that is set up for support is cardiac rehab -- and that is an exercise class, I've been in and out of that more times than I can count and doc wont let me go back anymore .... not strong enough plus the last time i had a nurse who grabbed me up from resting on a bench (was having a cataplexy attack) and rebroke my ribs that had been fractured when i had cpr done on me .... now I am just a walking liability every time I walk thru that hospitals doors....
I used to have a nurse who was pretty supportive of me until her Priest and I had words and I told him to go fuck himself in a board meeting. She really got pissed off (even tho she wasnt even a part of the project) So that cooled down any support there -- kinda stuck in the middle most folks with my disease are in their 70 - 80's, and my other health problems, shit if there ever is a support group well hell, I dont know how that would go?
My therapist keeps telling me repeatedly (as if i havent heard this shit 6 zillion god damn times) that I am so unique with health problems blah blah blah.... A grief support group didnt fit or work either, what I have found out tho is that when folks see me they either treat me like I am going to drop dead right there, or treat me as if I am making all this shit up?
My last T appt. the fucking window washer started saying shit when I went to close the blinds, so I told him to fuck off, he said more smart ass shit and I tried to open the window and told him I was gonna beat his fucking ass for him as he obviously needed it..he said some more shit and I told him to meet me in the parking lot in half an hour so we could settle this shit... he ended up walking off calling me a "ugly fucking bitch" -- my T was so funny in his way of just crossing his legs and saying "oh that guy is sooooo fired" -- the stupid part was the asshole was actually IN the parking lot waiting for me, so I tried to get him to get out of his truck to come and box it out --- he wouldnt, who the fuck could be scared of a 4 ft 10 woman -- my gawd he was at a PSYCH bldg??? DUH? And he thinks he can get away with starting shit with a client in a session? Oh well, my T had walked me out to make sure I made it to my car.... but hadnt noticed the asswipe in his truck.
Then I get home and some idiot had parked in my handicap space... they are assigned spaces, I called the cops as usual -- ended up the cop wouldnt write the guy a ticket "because he is old and is obviously handicapped" -- WHAT THE FUCK? I told the cop I would trade my fucking tag for his job anyday - just because I didnt look ill on the outside doesnt mean I wasnt handicapped -- and if he kept it up he was gonna end up with my BP so high he was gonna be doing CPR, I refused to move my car parked behind this asswipe -- the cop tells me he is or will ticket and tow my car, but wont ticket some old man who KNOWS the rules to the handicap spaces and parking rules.... this is like the 5th time or so I havent been able to get a cop to write a ticket... I asked the cop who his supervisor was, he tells me, so I said fine I am moving my car, but just know this "the next stupid muther fucker who parks in this space I aint bother to call your lame fucking ass, 250 dollar fine and by the time it trickles down dude thats five bucks for your dept to have coffee and donuts on your shift... I will be enforcing the law myself ya got it?--
I then went in and called his supervisor and half an hour later he tells me its the cop on the scene that makes the call whether to write a ticket or not... so told him since his department was obviously trained by DPD (a pd dept across river) I would be doing the enforcement myself --- I also had cornered the fucker that had parked in my space and told him if I ever caught his ass in my space again he was gonna get my wrath of enforcement.... GOD DAMN that pisses me off!! His excuse was that he had to put his grocery's away and I had been gone all day? BULLSHIT I was gone an hour tops! aaaagggghhhhhhh!!!!
so I think I am gonna get one of those pens that you can write on glass with the dealers use to write prices with and keep it and then write on the offenders windows "I am stupid and parked in a handicap space, but stupidity is not a handicap"... normally I just spit on the windshields and door handles ... I cant believe that something so easily done, a ticket when a sign says "violators will be towed and ticketed 250.00 " isnt enough to give a cop a reason to enforce what is obviously the law?
Christ if they cant catch the crack heads at least they could catch someone who is parked and blocked in the WRONG illegal space!
It was a stupid day, the window washer guy wants to beat my ass, and the cops .... they must be cousins or some shit?
Bleck where the hell did all of that come from?
Frustration I geuss on top of just trying to get by.... its dumb shit like that I have to deal with --
Oh well, I hope that things get better for hubby some where along the line, and a few some bodies take some time to help me out around here so I can be close to my brothers and get in to an area that is supportive (meaning my brothers) --
Thanks for letting me vent and blow steam -- maybe in the mix of all of this there is something that is a lesson? (like dont park in a handicap space that isnt yours? LOL )
Peace,
Sammy


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#62114 - 10/07/04 09:01 PM Re: I'm confused
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
Boy do you keep BUSY, Girlfriend!!!

Seriously, though - what I find most odd about the whole mess is your current T!!! How a trained therapist could miss the signs & symptoms of an abusive spouse like your husband..... it is completely BEYOND my comprehension!

Even the most elementary literature for abused women would have a personality checklist that would be almost a parody of your husband!!! Mood swings? Power plays? Irrational need to assert control no matter the cost????? Doesn't your T READ?????

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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#62115 - 10/07/04 10:42 PM Re: I'm confused
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Hi Ya,
I think maybe I havent given all of the story or the completed picture in all fairness. Hubby's behavior hasnt always been the power play shit he has been pulling. In fact this is new and in very rare form for him.
For years, most of 18 yrs in fact he has been very passive. Probably TOOO passive. Which is what has made life harder in so many ways. He let me lead or so I thought/ think for most of our years together. Hubby never raised his voice in anger or even excitement for that matter -- I think he is just realizing he even HAS a voice. His actions have/had been kind to everyone, and he was always so very supportive of me and the girls during our years together. He is the guy who always stops and helps the car that is broken down, stops to give a blanket to someone who was living under a bridge and shit the last thing I remember him doing was that 3 young girls about 15 or so were at the grocery store and it was getting dark, he overheard them talking about being scared to walk home. He offered his cell phone so they could call their moms. He was mighty mad when the "mom" told them to get a ride home from him.... He said he was enraged because this woman was putting the girls lives at risk, not just because he knew of his own history -- but that she just assumed he was "a nice guy", he raged for over an hour (not really raging but non stop talking for him) about how stupid this woman was and how easily those girls could have been hurt. He said he didnt want to risk giving them a ride, as he was and remains scared he could be accused of sexually assaulting someone, and he couldnt go thru that shit again -- but then he was more scared that they would be hurt by someone who REALLY had intentions of hurting them. He said in general he was really torn, but gave them a ride home AFTER he called the mother and told her his name and asked for sure if she didnt want to come get her girls -- nope she was fine with him?.... UGH< !
Hubby was never much of a talker, and I suppose he still isnt much of one. Other than he tells me now more often that he talks to some of the guys at work about me? I reckon its to bolster his own anger at my behavior...
The screwy part of this shit I think is that I know only far too well the crap he does is to cause more harm to himself so that it justifys how bad he feels about himself. I know, shit I do it , and have done it to myself enough over the years -- so its a bit of a catch 22?
I understand where his crap behavior is coming from, what I dont understand is why he isnt pissed off enough to act on changing his behavior for the better rather than to continue to do damage.?
He has this calm way about him, and its genuine its not faked out and neither does he have nervous little tics or shit that he does behavior wise that tells a different story of how he feels -- I think the only way to describe him is to share a time when he was in boot camp -- he and his squadron were on the parade ground practicing with their "guns". One other recruit was trying like hell to get kicked out, he was some officers kid who got the "either get in the military now or go to jail shit" -- so this kid is going ballistic on the parade ground swinging his gun and threatening to pound the shit out of everyone blah blah hot air shit... hubby just sorta walks by him not looking at him, and far enough away the ricky thinks nothing of him -- hubby reached out real quick and grabbed the gun, and walks off with it,... the ricky was pissed and then I think the parade MP's took him down to the brig.... Hubby just kept walking, put the gun away and got back in formation like nothing happened.
I know he has all this pent up anger, shit he is entitled to it. As survivors we know we are entitled to it, and if no one has shown us how to express the anger properly well -- hell we arent going to be able to ? ...
I got told I cant fix him, or do shit for him -- so I work on me to remember that. I work on me to not be the over bearing pushy bitch that I am out of fear. I've been blunt and told him exactly what I need, and he has said "I'll try"... yet try hasnt accomplished anything yet -- I think it is accomplishing something now and I am really angry that it is not accomplishing what "I" want.
And having led the family for so many years now I am reacting to him actually expressing himself, or even acting on taking care of himself. He said he wants time alone --- so I havent called or emailed or bothered him ... not that I have before -- ugh I never wanted to be one of those women whose lives only were anything as long as they were attached or married or doing something for their hubby.
In that I know I pushed hubby away when inside I wanted to scream "help me!" And by the time I actually was screaming help me -- it was too late he was not up to speed and couldnt understand or was incapable or I had in some way castrated him to be powerless to help me. Yet, I expected a different out come?
I'm not owning all of this relationship as falling apart -- but I do know that it is true that I have been a very hard and crude, scarey person to be around. Hell, when ya walk into some citizens meeting and even the mayor makes a comment that here comes sammy to shake stuff up to happen... hmmmm its not a compliment, its a comment that I have this stupid way of not being able to keep my big fat mouth shut and just blurt far too often.
I think because we are both survivors of SA we've been so busy with sending double messages - neither of us know what to believe out of the other.
I manipulate, he manipulates -- and its equaled out to stupidity for the both of us.
Hubby told me he felt a light switch go off when I told him I had a sexual affair with XX. That was when his feelings for me just "stopped". I truly dont believe that those feelings just stopped -- I think he is pissed, deserves to be pissed and is torn because part of him probably feels like he deserves to be treated like shit for all the years he hid his sex addiction, and the NOT doing, and the lies etc.
I also think he is realizing for the first time that he REALLY IS entitled to be pissed off at me for my behavior. AND in that he is going to feel it for all its worth.
He told me tho that I "ran away" when I found out about the sex crime charges against him. I dont understand how he cant see how confusing that is and was for me -- I was caught and am caught in a no win situation -- even trying to join up the support group for the spouses of his SA group hasnt worked, those women havent called back & shit his group is so small I think I must be the only one who wants to even talk to another real live survivors partner?
I know he hasnt been perfect, and hell I havent either --- but at what point does the plate get wiped clean and we get to start over? I mean crap, sometimes if there is a little bit of crusted dried egg on the edge of the plate we scrape it off with our finger nails and eat off of it anyway?
As for my therapist? I feel sorry for that poor bastard having to deal with me.... he has been very honest in telling me that he just cannot be fair to hubby because he has "taken my side" -- I think that takes a lot of guts to say that, AND to even put up with the shit of me calling him names when he called my daugh thinking I was gonna hurt myself --- My T has even called hubby to make sure I am ok if I have been "punishing someone" by not going to therapy -- now theres a real classic symptom of being a nutball huh?
So I geuss I still dont know what the fuck I am doing or saying -- I do know that what I WANT is for hubby to tell me to move my shit back in the house, that no matter how mad either of us get we are gonna work this out...
In reality tho I know he will continue to withold any intimacy and feelings for me or about me for a long time, .... and I have serious doubts about myself that I can or will go that long without acting out in some stupid way to have human touch to comfort me --- and the only way I have ever known how to do that is to act out sexually --- hubby stopped that touch a long time ago, long before we split? Partially I think to punish himself, and partially to punish me --
I've rambled on again and still no where near where or at the core of what needs to or is happening between us.....
its an awful feeling to not be wanted .... its a worse feeling to not be able to cry ... its right there, stuck in my throat and in behind my eyes i feel the burn of beginning to cry .... my chest hurts, its hard to breathe ....
all i can say is thanks for letting me have a place to put this crap out there -- my therapist called me he was so cool about telling me he just canceled this appt with some nurse practitioner gal who was gonna help me find housing on the other side of the river --- he was mad at my GP but i told him not to be, she just miscarried and it was really hard on her -- so he is taking care of me to make sure i get housing and health care and told me that he will even send a car to come get me if hubby takes the vehicles so i can still come see him for visits.... so he cares, he just a tad dinghy ... but then again, I geuss we fit because of that .... and he told me he knows hubby cares, he is just in a shitty space there are no garruntees in anything....
ya know i have been dreaming over and over about the one main fucker that abused me for so many years ..... and how his life span is so and has been so much longer than what mine will ever be --- but i keep telling myself I know that my life will have meant a helluva lot more just because i didnt do the shit that bastard did ----
Peace, and i'm sure i'll be back .... its almost like coming home must feel like when i come here?
home is supposed to be a safe place.... and here no matter how screwed up i feel, i feel safe
Peace, Sammy


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