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#62079 - 10/03/04 11:09 PM scared and need help
sadmommy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/03/04
Posts: 5
Loc: Tennessee
hello to all. first i must start by saying i have learned alot through this site, and thank you.
i'm writing in today because i am facing some very confusing and scary issues.
i don't really know where to begin... i am a single mother of a wonderful three year old little boy. he and i left his father 3 years ago this coming january. his father and i have not divorced, or drawn up any custody agreements. i have been the sole caregiver of my little boy. until about a year, maybe year and a half ago my son's father did not care to take part in his life. recently he has became more consistent in spending time with him (friday nights).
the other night upon speaking to my son about his "private parts" he began to tell me about his daddy and things they do in the shower. i will spare you all of the horrible details. i could never imagine his father doing these things... never. but, i also could never imagine that my little boy would be capable of just making these things up.
a report has been made, and an investigation is underway. these past 3 days have been the worst days of my life, and it only seems to be getting worse.
my son's father and his family have been yelling and screaming about how this is not possibly true, that he is just a three year old making this up. they are accusing me of being "out to get him". honestly, if i were out to get him i would have done it 3 years ago. i have never asked my son's father for anything other than sharing his time, and he can barely do that.
i would like to think that if they were the ones to hear it come out of my little boy's mouth, they would have taken the same actions that i did.
now, on top of all of this, his mother has hired a top notch attorney(she has worked for the criminal court of appeals for years)and they have decided to attack me and my lifestyle, being that i'm a lesbian.
i am totally freaked out and don't know what to think. they have never, ever expressed a problem with my sexuality, or my capability as a single parent, until now.
i need help, or advice, or some kind of peace of mind.. not that i think thats likely at this point.


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#62080 - 10/03/04 11:40 PM Re: scared and need help
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
sadmommy,

First of all, thank you for caring about and fighting for your son. You can't imagine what you have spared him just by doing this.

I know there have been some other parents on here who've gone through some of the legal stuff, hopefully someone with some experience is still around to help you out in this area.

Sick people will lash out in any way they can think of when they are backed into a corner. Hopefully whoever gets involved in this will see their attacks on your lifestyle for what they are.

I'm sorry I can't be more helpful--just want you to know that we're out here listening.

SAR


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#62081 - 10/04/04 12:29 AM Re: scared and need help
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
mommy,

Being in a position of probable divorce, child protective services will originally look at the claim as a ploy for sole custody. My recommendation would be to take him to a child psychologist and let the professional make the determination and report it. That way it is taken seriously and not dismissed as a dirty trick and your son will get some care along the way.

Take care of the little guy,
Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#62083 - 10/04/04 01:47 AM Re: scared and need help
sadmommy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/03/04
Posts: 5
Loc: Tennessee
thank you all for such quick responses. its nice to know you are listening.

i do have some comments on some of the advice i've just received...

in writing that we are not divorced and no custody has been determined i wanted to convey that in the three years we've been seperated i've not pushed for it.

neither of us really had the money to drop on lawyers, and it didn't seem like something we HAD to do right away. we both agreed to hold off on that. neither of us were interested in what the other was doing as far as relationships go anyway.

as i said before, he never really wanted to spend time with our son. for quite some time i had to literally make him feel guilty in order to get him to come visit, or take him overnight.

i have never asked for, nor received, any financial help. all i was really concerned with was that my little boy had time with both his mother AND father.

it sickens me to think that people would use their children in such a way to gain custody or win some personal battle. i would never, and could never put my child through such things. he has been MY LIFE since the day i found out he would soon be in my life.

the father's family are all well aware of how things have played out between us. they know how the father behaved... and had to push just like i did to get any reaction from him regarding our son.

i don't understand why they are more worried about what this could do to their son, than they are about why this little baby is even able to talk about such things. he shouldn't, AT 3 YEARS OLD, in any way be able to put these things together.

i don't understand.


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#62084 - 10/04/04 05:56 PM Re: scared and need help
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
sadmommy,

I don't know how much of the chaos between adults is affecting your son right now. Please make sure that he knows that he did the right thing by telling you, that you are not mad at him, that none of what is going on now is his fault.

By the way, it is not your fault either. I hope you know that, I hope you know that you are being brave and doing the right thing too. Your son must trust you and feel very close to you, because you are the one he told.

Bill is right, it would be an excellent idea to get your son to a child psychologist. It would help him, and probably help you feel less lost and scared.

SAR


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#62085 - 10/04/04 07:47 PM Re: scared and need help
sadmommy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/03/04
Posts: 5
Loc: Tennessee
thank you for the kind words SAR.

i have talked and talked to the ppl at our local sexual assault crisis center. i am so mixed up right now.

from reading all that i have online.. i have noticed everything saying to reassure my son about telling me. it says to let him know he did the right thing, and its not his fault. thats one thing that has confused me... he has no idea that what he has said are bad things, or that his daddy could be in trouble because of it.

when he talked to me, and when he talked to the investigator, he just talked as if in normal conversation. the investigator has asked me not to ask him any questions, and try not to talk about it around him. he says that could confuse him or make him withdrawl and not want to talk when he or the psychologist need him to.

the investigator is still waiting on the psychologist he called to return his call. i've called about 5 and they are all either not taking new patients, don't want to be pulled into court because of missing other patient meetings and the expense being to great for me to handle, or they give me some other name and number to call.

i, at first, didn't know how or who to ask for help... and now that i'm trying, i keep getting blown off.

i still can't believe that the father would do these things. i would really like an expert to listen to my son, and then tell me what they gather from it. i guess to confirm that my son knows what he is talking about.

everyone is second guessing my three year old, and its starting to make me feel stupid for listening. how wrong is that??????


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#62086 - 10/05/04 02:47 AM Re: scared and need help
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
You are not stupid.

It certainly is best just to let your son be a kid and not spend a lot of time talking about everything. I understand why an adult investigator might ask you not to bring up the abuse around your son, but I wonder if it is really best for him, if it comes up, are you not supposed to listen to and support him? I don't think it would be good for him if he felt that he couldn't talk about it. I'm no professional though, and don't know much about this kind of investigation.

I suggested that your son might need reassurance because you mentioned the trouble with your inlaws, even a three year old will pick up on trouble between important adults in his life or changes in his routine, and feel scared and possibly responsible, that's without investigators and whatnot. I hope you'll be able to keep most of the drama away from him, but if you can't, I wouldn't assume that he's too young to put together the pieces.

Don't give up trying, don't stop doing what you know is right.

SAR


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#62087 - 10/06/04 10:01 PM Re: scared and need help
sadmommy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/03/04
Posts: 5
Loc: Tennessee
the father's family is calling and screaming at me now for not letting my son go with them for the weekend. my son would visit with them sometimes on saturday nights. they have voiced their opinion to me and that is that they believe the father didn't do it. i don't want to send my son with them and give them the opportunity to change his story. what am i supposed to do!!!????

he was yelling about how i am making the wrong decisions and i'm going to ruin my sons life by not letting him go with family. i have made plans for my son to go with my mother and stepfather this weekend because i have to work. he is trying to talk about how my family are all bad influences and that isn't the kind of environment my son needs to be in.

reason: my mother and stepfather have been known to smoke pot. i had talked to my family WELL before all of this started about what they were not allowed to do around my son. well, since this has all happened both of them agreed to put it down. they have told me they cleaned out their house and there is no trace of anything. they are aware that i will need them through all of this to help with my son while i work. they aren't druggie type people, and i know they wouldn't do anything to jeopardize my sons wellbeing.

none of the father's family think that he did this. they want to argue that it probably did happen, but by someone else. before they claimed that my son was to young to know what he was talking about, now... it happened, but not by the father.

ahhhhhhhhhh??????????????????????????????

i feel like i'm going crazy!

still waiting for the child psychologist.. 3 to 4 week wait.


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#62088 - 10/06/04 10:12 PM Re: scared and need help
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Sadmommy,

I know just where you are at, between a rock and a hard place when it comes to child care. You have to work, you have to leave the baby somewhere, but ****not with THEM****

In the past 5 years I've had 3 different jobs and I can't even count how many different schedules, all because I wanted my kids to spend as little time as possible in my in-laws' very toxic house. Yes, I was yelled at, judged, called a bad mother, it goes on and on.

The last time MIL and I got into it, I told her that I did not need her to watch the kids for the weekend and she told me that my boyfriend had asked her to do it (not true) and the two of us needed to work on our communication skills (well, that part might be a little bit true), and that she was "SUPPOSED to have those kids this weekend"... excuse me, I didn't know I had joint custody with my INLAWS....

You can never put your foot down too soon when it comes to this sort of thing. That boy is your boy and not theirs, and the decisions you make for him are the ones that count, no matter what they think about it. It speaks to their sickness that they even think they have a right to challenge you on your child care arrangements.


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