sas,

I'm so sorry to hear that things worked out the way they did.

Keep taking care of yourself. Will you be sticking around here? I know I'm not the only one concerned about you.

J
We're in this together.

Hello J, thank you for your note. Yesterday I was filled with the rage of 9 years of marriage, I was truly raging - I know it has to come out - but boy do I hate how it feels.

I realize that I have been blessed with so much support - and the people here who are struggling so hard, fighting the good fight, are a big part of my community. I have received several emails offering me virtual shoulders to cry on, and arms to lift me. I feel blessed despite the misery.

Anyway, I am taking steps to rebuild my life. My family has been phenominal, just phenominal. The course of events in my life, and the honesty I have put forth with my family (they know everything that has happened to me) has allowed my family to heal in ways I never imagined.

Last week, when my husband drove the final stake through my heart, I came home and my mother was still up. I collapsed into her arms and just wailed. She held me, and kissed me repeatedly, like a loving mom. You must understand that my whole childhood my mother resisted touching any of us kids - she would always tell us to "not hang on her." I used to tease my husband that I'm like that rhesus monkey from the psychology experiment (you know, the one that had no warm mother, only a wire framework to cling to) - that was my childhood - mixed with sexual abuse by my dad.

Well that night she broke through years of buried feelings. She told me that once in her childhood she had sat on hill and prayed to God to please take her, to kill her, that she couldn't imagine living another moment. And when God didn't take her, she was pissed. She then looked at me and said that grandpa, her step-dad sexually abused her - I wasn't surprised because I had known this in my heart, but I was stunned that she had voiced it. I just grabbed her and held on tight. She showed me the most fragile bit of her soul, she was trying to save me from wanting to die myself (which I did). I felt her love like never, never before. I am blown away.

I am very sad for my husband. While I have been living with my parents this past month (reading every book on men's healing, etc.) he has been going out with our mutual friends (sailing on Lake Michigan, etc.) and telling them that I "had to work late." Not one word of our impending demise.... His denial is so amazingly deep. Well I am going to reclaim my life, including my friends. He wanted time to tell our friends himself - I honored his request and I have given him a month. Well now I need to rebuild my life and I am not going to ignore the people who have been friends to me too.

I spoke to one friend today, I asked her if my husband had told her that we were divorcing and she said "no." He told her that I was just working late. She said he had acted like we both were heading out to Palo Alto in September, she had no idea anything was wrong. This happened a week and a half ago....

He is so lost, so wounded. I have done all I can, my heart will mend one day. I hope I can find a way to trust again, we know how hard that is. I know I will, because I have to live a life that is authentic for me - I can't lie about who I am or what I feel. I worked too hard to heal myself to let secrets and lies corrode my soul - like his soul is doing.

I wanted to support him in his healing, but he didn't want to heal. I have to stop the mental/emotional abuse he is inflicting upon me - enough, 13 years is enough!

I won't forget this community. I don't know how much I'll stay connected right now - I think that reading the stories of the men makes a part of me still want to hold out hope - she wants to rescue and have a happy ending, and that won't be. So I may take a bit of a hiatus... but I know I want to give back to others if I can.

Thank you everyone, I am wounded, but not dead.

- Stephanie

Stepahnie -
I'm soooooo sorry for the way things have worked out for you. I really identified with your desire to do just ABOUT anything to keep your marriage afloat. Unfortuneately, the old adage applies "It takes 2 to tango" and you were in that marriage alone.
I'm pleased that your mom was able to open up to you about her SA ghosts.
I also applaud your openness and candor with your friends. In fact I would suggest that you be open and honest even with his family members. Although it would be very easy for anyone in your situation to be vindictive, I can see that you are using your considerable emotional strength to control that urge.
I will say I don't see your husband as a lost little soul, but more like a "manipulative coniving little SOB". Some of his actions just show his self-centered perspective, but others show so much "malice with premediation" they are ALMOST unbelieveable. HOW CAN HE LOOK AT HIMSELF IN THE MIRROR??
He has apparently transformed you into 'his abuser' and is venting his anger at the most inappropriate target!
Stephanie, your strength of character is amazing! I truly hope that someday you meet a man that is actually worthy of your trust and devotion.
Take care, babs

Hi Babs, thanks for your note (so much for my hiatus). My husband is really pissed off right now. It is getting ugly - we both have a lot of pain and I think you're right that he sees me as his abuser. He called my parent's home last night (from California) looking for me. He talked to my mom - he said that I am destroying his support system, telling lies to our friends. She mustered all her strength to stay composed and spoke her truth.

He thinks I'm destroying his support system - he is the one who didn't trust anyone of our friends enough to tell them the truth (and these are friends who have siblings who are gay & lesbian and have tremendous compassion for people). Yet he tells me and my family that he is speaking his soul's truth ("his soul is singing") yet he won't sing out loud with people who truly love him.

I have to rebuild my life and repair friendships. He doesn't realize that our friends care deeply about him, they are concerned. I think they also feel a little upset because he has said nothing about our marriage being in trouble, let alone anything else. They keep asking me if he planned to just "slip out of town without a word?" I've told them that those are great questions for my husband, I don't know.

So "ick," "puke." I hate this so much. He really seems panicked, like I've heard before... he will continue to be the victim until he truly faces his shadows, his wounds - that is terribly sad.

Right now I have to take care of me. I've lost a ton of weight and I seem to have picked up Parkinson's (cruel joke - but I really can't keep my hands still). I am too raw for any of this, too many tears have been shed for too long. My firm is also laying-off people - that is all I need, so I've got my fingers crossed that I'll still have a job.

You know, I had such hope, such hope. This truly is the saddest thing in the world - what is terrorizing him so? It isn't me.



Thanks Babs, I will be okay - I just have to take it a day at a time. I'll be in touch.

Stephanie --

I hate to bring any more worries into your life, but you should go to the doctor and have yourself tested for HIV? I feel so bad to bring it up, but he has treated you so bad and acted so contrary to the man you thought you married 9 years ago THAT YOU CANNOT ACCEPT HIS WORD THAT HE HASN"T ACTED OUT IN A WAY THAT WOULD PUT BOTH OF YOU AT RISK. I know he is an M.D. (Major Dickhead) and one would expect him to be careful, but he is so whacked you just can't be sure. They think they are invincible.

The TRUTH will win in the end. You just keep working on yourself. I too have been through the job roulette game, it sucks big time. Be glad you have such a supportive family and keep talking it out with your family and friends. I also hope your lawyer can get some of your money back.

Let's try to get together in chat room sometime.

LOVE, babs