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#61977 - 07/23/01 10:34 AM My husband says he has to be alone....
sas Offline
Member

Registered: 01/28/01
Posts: 31
Loc: Chicago, IL USA
It has been quite a while since I've posted. My husband has suffered for so long and finally this weekend he told me that he has to be alone to figure out who he is. He is conflicted about his sexual identity. He has never admitted to being sexually abused, but he has told me that he has suffered emotional incest with his mother. After reading Mike Lew's book, I know that there are many similarities in the impact on a young boy trying to find his way in the world.
I suspect more happened to him.... Perhaps I'm projecting, since I was sexually abused by my dad, but the similarities and the connection between us is so strong.
He has been seeing a therapist, as have I. What makes this so hard is he is now leaving me, and this area for San Francisco. He has new job waiting for him there Oct. 1 (secured a couple of months ago). We were supposed to go together, to start fresh. All our stuff is in temporary storage, tangled together. It hurts so bad to see him suffer - I want him to find peace. I want to find peace.
What makes it even more unbelievable is that one month ago I had a miscarriage and we lost our first baby. It is really a soap-opera. The baby was unexpected (we wouldn't have planned that in the middle of all this) and my husband was really tossed into chaos when he found out. But over time he said that he found hope and joy at the thought of this little soul entering our lives.
I feel so completely finished, empty. I'm living temporarily with my parents (can't believe that, at the age of 35). But right now I can't think an hour ahead, let along a day or month.
We're going to meet at our therapists this afternoon and talk about 'next steps.' I'm not sure what that will mean, he doesn't either.
He told me that he is terrified. He just wants to run into my arms and take back all that he has said. He says he loves me, but he can't drag me through this any longer - he says he sees my soul dying. My heart is breaking, tearing apart.
I know he has to go - he has to find out what that 14 year old boy inside him wants. I just wish that it wasn't this.... And the craziest part is that I still have hope for us, how dysfunctional is that!


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#61978 - 07/23/01 04:38 PM Re: My husband says he has to be alone....
babs Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/01
Posts: 59
Loc: Cub Hill, MD
sas,
I am also the wife of a survivor (my husband was repeatedly sexually abused). The memories resurfaced about a year ago. This has left him as one mighty confused 53 YO with the confused sexuality of the 11 YO rape victim he once was.
Many of the posts on this forum seem to address the sexual confusion issue. Like you I am praying that the final answer is one that my 12 YO daughter and I can live with. He acted out once with a man. I too want him to find 'peace', but to maintain our 22 YO marriage, at least for the time being, he MUST not act out again. I had to protect my own self esteem and so I asked for WHAT I NEEDED. I asked him to accept this limit on his behavior and he has agreed.
It seems to me that the attraction is not 'men' but repeating the 'acts'. Trying to relive and this time CONTROL the events.
You MUST think of your needs. If you don't feel comfortable letting him go off to SF alone. See if he can accept some restrictions on his behavior, for the interim, so you can have some peace of mind about the viability of your marriage while he thinks things over. The space/time apart may clarify for him that he really wants to be married to you instead of acting out some confused sexual fantasy. I share your fear and your hope.

Babs


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#61979 - 07/26/01 04:00 PM Re: My husband says he has to be alone....
babs Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/01
Posts: 59
Loc: Cub Hill, MD
sas ,
How are you doing? Whatever you are going thru right now, please share IF you can! Isolation only magnifies the pain.

Well I thought I'd let you know that "YOU HAVE BEEN IN MY THOUGHTS" for days.
Someone Who Cares,
Babs


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#61980 - 07/27/01 08:58 AM Re: My husband says he has to be alone....
sas Offline
Member

Registered: 01/28/01
Posts: 31
Loc: Chicago, IL USA
Hi Babs, thank you so much for your reply. It has been a heavy week. I have heard from my husband via email, he sounds ok. He is staying with mutual friends, so at least I know he is safe. I am hanging in there. I saw my therapist yesterday and she is wonderful, just wonderful. I told her that I still have hope for us... that I know my husband is lost right now, that he has a 'part' who is really hurting and screaming for attention. But for some reason, my soul -truly my soul - believes we will somehow come through this. He has to do his work - that is what I pray for - he has to have courage to face whatever is lurking in the past. Unfortunately I can't control if he does his work - I just keep praying that he doesn't try to do it alone (he did that for 15 years, and there is no way to journey inside without a clear-eyed guide (i.e., therapist, Yoda, Dumbledore, Obi-wan, Virgil, whoever!)).
I know that I have a journey to take too. I don't know what it is but I just pray every night for Spirit to show me, step by step, where I am to go. For right now I am going inside and just trying to 'be'. It is strange... I think that I am finally starting to feel a part of me relax.... I think that there has been a part of me that has been 'on guard', or something, for many years - worrrying about my relationship with my husband, working to save us - because you know when there is something that isn't right. And now it is out of my hands.
I don't know what my path is, but I have to have faith that Spirit will show me, it always does if you are truly open, so I am trying to be open to my journey.
Things at work for me are heating up so that will occupy my mind during the day more and more - which is probably good, even though I feel exhausted.
I still have hope for us. It's weird, but I think I'll know when it is time to change that, for now I will keep hoping and praying.
Babs, how are you? How are you taking care of yourself? Be gentle with yourself, we women have worked so hard. We have to find a way to recapture our souls....

Love,
Stephanie


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#61981 - 08/08/01 12:28 PM Re: My husband says he has to be alone....
babs Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/01
Posts: 59
Loc: Cub Hill, MD
Stephanie --
Sorry it took me so long to respond. Even though I visit the forum almost daily I missed seeeing your last post until a few days ago.

You wrote:
"I know he has to go - he has to find out what that 14 year old boy inside him wants."
\:\(
Is this your de>

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#61982 - 08/08/01 05:16 PM Re: My husband says he has to be alone....
sas Offline
Member

Registered: 01/28/01
Posts: 31
Loc: Chicago, IL USA
Babs, thanks so much for your message. I really did feel your heart - I know this is such a crazy mess.

I hear you when you say it sounds like a 14 y.o. acting out. To some extent, I agree. I also realize that I am the kind of person who is in a relationship 100%, so living physically with me will require him to be 'engaged' in our relationship; therefore, he probably won't be able to get the 'alone time' he needs to go deep inside into his psyche. I'm not saying that I like this... but I finally read Sam Keen's book, Fire in the Belly, and he talks about men needing 'alone' time to focus in on their wounds/confusion/anger. I know my husband has always 'been there' for others (mother, sister, ME). Especially when we first came together, I think we were attracted to each other because we each had wounds we could recognize, and longed to heal, in the other. So he has never taken the time to be there for himself, learn who he is. He became a doc because his parents groomed him since he was small to be one. He has always been the caretaker of the family. He feels he has always made decisions based on others needs and timelines....

San Francisco is his destination not by choice, but by opportunity. He applied to a wide number of programs (including U-VA - how's that for remote?) and got Stanford for his fellowship position. So it is a weird fate-thing that he's headed there. He did tell me on Friday that he knows his journey is an internal one - thankfully he is working with a therapist - and that he has no intention on 'experimenting' or needing to talk to gay men or straight men or anything - the answer is within himself. I think there is a lot of wisdom in that.

He told me that he is relating to his family in a new way (which is good!), and that he wants to communicate/see me more than we orginally planned for. I am trying to take care of myself but it is still so foggy, and there really are no rules for this stuff. All we can do is be honest (!), act from our souls and have faith.

I so appreciate everyone's support. This is the hardest thing I have ever lived through, I am learning a lot about myself. Thanks again everyone for your thoughts!


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#61983 - 08/09/01 12:11 AM Re: My husband says he has to be alone....
Just Call me J Offline
Member

Registered: 07/14/01
Posts: 204
Loc: Inland Empire, California
I just wanted to pipe in, and say that you're in my heart. I want to wish you hope and strength for what you're going through.

Best of luck!

J
We're in this together.

_________________________
We're in this together. - Nine Inch Nails

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#61984 - 08/09/01 01:48 PM Re: My husband says he has to be alone....
sas Offline
Member

Registered: 01/28/01
Posts: 31
Loc: Chicago, IL USA
Thanks so much for your kind words of support J - I'm okay today, really busy at work, so I'm nicely preoccupied. We'll see what this weekend brings....

Take care of yourself - you're a strong person!!!


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#61985 - 08/19/01 05:00 PM Re: My husband says he has to be alone....
Anonymous
Unregistered


sas,
I wanted to write to you because I feel as though I am in the same boat--my boyfriend left on work related travel for an indefinite period of time--and I believe he may have been sexually abused by his mother. (I posted another long post about this earlier today on this list). I wondered if you would mind sharing what you know. You say he said he suffered "emotional incest." I'd like to know what that means exactly. My boyfriend's father died when he was 17, and he assumed a lot of responsibility in his household after that. I always assumed that he was still grieving for his father 33 years later (he's 50) because he becomes hysterical when he talks about it, but I don't believe that anymore. I feel he assumed a lot more in that household than cooking for his five siblings, and helping raise them. He's said how he wanted to help his mother out, but I think he also resented it. I think he is angry that he was robbed of his youth, and has problems with intimacy and sex. I would like to know other symptoms men have who are survivors? He hasn't told me he was abused, but his behaviors have taken me down the road of searching for answers to why he is so emotionally damaged, and why he doesn't respond to me beyond acting "as if".


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#61986 - 08/20/01 11:37 PM Re: My husband says he has to be alone....
sas Offline
Member

Registered: 01/28/01
Posts: 31
Loc: Chicago, IL USA
Hello Lostnlonelyme, thanks for your note. I'll share what I know but I must say first, that things have gone terribly bad for me. Where can I start???

Three weeks ago, my husband met with me to talk... and it ended up being a passionate encounter in the backseat of my car (since we're both living with our parents - just like high school - ugh!). Little did I know that he had already decided to leave me and had retained an attorney. I guess he just wanted to screw me in every possible way. I am extremely angry right now.

Last week we met again, "at a healing place" (his words not mine). He told me that he has always been a man of extremes, liked both "uppers" and "downers", etc. and he realized that he wants to have sex with both men and women - he arousal with me showed him that he is attracted to women, and men. He told me that the Greeks believed that the only true love was between men and boys - now that's a pedophile-culture if I ever heard one! He also loved to recite Nietzsche to me - he is so skilled at twisting his intellect to meet his delusions.

He has not sought the counseling needed to deal with whatever is inside him - he will be haunted forever. Today I found out he has pulled over $36,000 of our money out, and has tucked it away somewhere... he'll need every penny when he's at Stanford. I really feel that his 14 yo has taken over - this little boy thinks he can pull these games with me? Did he think I wouldn't notice? I guess teenage-minds aren't too bright.

Now to answer your question....

My husband, too, fulfilled the "husband" role for his mother. He was the youngest of 4, and his family, early on, labeled him 'the saviour'. He became the doctor, got good grades, married the devoted wife, etc. He also is the one everyone, including his parents, have turned to for advise since he was little (kind of fits that he's a physician). His parents still call when something hits the fan at their home. There is a great book entitled "Emotional Incest" - I don't recall the author's name but Border's has it. I found it very good, and I have read everything on the subject in my quest to try to find an answer and hope for us.

Well, it is over. Many have seen it coming and now so do I. There is another, a very wise woman who has posted here who has had very sage advise for me, please take care of yourself. I never, never, never, never expected this side of my husband to appear - he is more cold and stoney then I ever imagined a person could be. Perhaps I got too close to the core? Maybe that is why he has rejected our therapist as well... she told him she thought his conflicted identity was a smokescreen for something else. He denies everything, he has split-off his 'part' so far, he will never be free of his fears, he hasn't faced them - he'll be haunted.

It could have been so different, I was patient for over 8 months, including one miscarriage and one romantic trip to Paris. All for nothing. But I will be healthy, and I will heal. My soul is clear, I fought the good fight. I didn't lie...

Please let me know how you are. Please make sure you are seeing someone who can support you through this - please! The human mind is a very powerful battlefield, you need to be solid in who you are and what you want. You have support here. May Spirit be close to you (however you define Spirit

;\)


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