Newest Members
dspwilson, Won'tGiveUp, sillyputty, Pytbull, manipulated
12384 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Alan Fountain (52), blindpet (31), egoror (49), Midas (33), uwa (78)
Who's Online
3 registered (BraveFalcon, 2 invisible), 36 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12384 Members
74 Forums
63651 Topics
444532 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 2 of 3 < 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#61954 - 09/07/04 02:55 PM Re: Need advice---Accessing danger &Protecting my sons
Archnut Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/02
Posts: 343
Loc: United Kingdom
Leopards and spots come to mind.

Archnut


Top
#61955 - 09/07/04 10:03 PM Re: Need advice---Accessing danger &Protecting my sons
Pollyanna Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/10/03
Posts: 211
Loc: Missouri
The thing that comes to me is, "it only takes once". Is it worth risking the welfare of the children?

If someone is a recovering alchoholic, they don't go into bars. Even 20 years later they don't go into bars. Why dangle temptation in front of someone who admittedly has a problem?

Children deserve to be kept safe, whatever it takes. If someone who has responsibility for a child doesn't know of the danger, they can't make responsible choices to keep that child safe. If I were the mother of the 2 year old, or the father, or whatever, I would want to know. If anything happened, and they found out someone knew, more than XXXX is gonna hit the fan.

Lynn

_________________________
"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up."

Anne Lamott

Top
#61956 - 09/07/04 11:50 PM Re: Need advice---Accessing danger &Protecting my sons
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
HI,
at first i wasnt going to add anything to this posting string. but then i just couldnt stop myself.
when my girls were 9 & 10 yrs old we were at a friends house. A neighbor girl appeared who knew not only my girls but also one of the daughters my girls and I were visiting. she had visible scratch marks on her & my girls were screaming upset as this girls foster grandmother had slammed the child in between a door and the door jam and physical beat her in front of my own girls.
My girls were traumatized needless to say because physical violence etc just was NOT something that ever occurred in our house nor had they ever been exposed to it.
I thot at the time I was making the right choice in calling the police, to have the child placed in protection. However, the cop who showed up after the foster grandmother attempted to retrieve the child from me (us we were in a friends home) I refused to allow her to take the child, she had brought with her (the foster grandmother 2 other foster children & bio kids) - they all ran behind my back. I told this woman, and I was scared to death as I did it, that I had called the police and would NOT release the kids to her without the police or child protective services taking them some where they deemed safe.
The cop showed up late enuff that most of the physical scratches (around her throat etc) were faded & very few of the deeper scratches were of anything to actually (according to cop) do anything about. What happened also that split a friendship is that my "friend" proceeded to tell the cop who showed up that I was "Biased, as I was an adopted child who had been abused". The cops response to this? "Child if you had grown up in my house you would have gotten it a whole lot worse than you did."
This made my blood boiling, my daughters were seeing that the folks I had told them they should trust if anything should happen to them were treating their friend like absolute shit.
The cop also had the balls to turn to me and say " You should know that "foster kids" have a whole bunch of problems and are always calling the cops about everything."
I was flabbergasted to say the least, the children were taken back to this foster grandmother/home. I let my girls listen as I continued to tell my so called friend what a mis informed, stupid bitch she was & that I was highly offended that she would even reveal things said to her in confidence to any one let alone in front of our children. I took my own children home and had to try to explain what a mess that was and hold them as they sobbed for their friend, and I cried also for the child and myself and my own crap along with them.
I called an 800 child abuse reporting number -- they were kind but informed me that "you should have asked for a juvinile officer to respond" -- all I could think of at that pointless comment the way it was said was -- How in the fuck is ANYONE supposed to KNOW that? isnt a cop a cop?
The following AM I received a phone call from this child's so called social worker -- she took my side of the story, I gave facts only, she told me that they had & were now placing the foster family into "family counseling".
Two weeks later almost exactly to the day, my daughters came home from school to inform me that this child that we had attempted to get help for was PREGNANT AT AGE 9 BY THE FOSTER FATHER!!!
sorry but to this day I am still pissed off about the whole event and how this girls life has unfolded. -- I was pissed because now not only did I have to explain that the very people they were "Supposed" to be reporting things to, hurt kids, but how in the fuck does a parent explain how a 9 year old gets pregnant. This child was so far into her 2nd term of pregnancy ... oh daaammmm, anyway she then was placed with a family who said to her "if you place your child up for adoption we will adopt you & take good care of you, but you must never have contact with the baby" --- to add insult the fucker who molested her actually tried to sue for visitation rights of the child while he was incarcerated!!
Her life has been a tuff one since then, and she has a couple more kiddoes....
Leaving the Fox to watch the Hen house ---
then after this whole fiasco I find out that my "friend" her brother had not only molested and served time (probabtion) for molesting his own kids , neices , nephews etc... and yes he supposedly had gone thru therapy .. blah blah blah.... later he remarried, no one bothered to tell the new step children NOT to let him babysit their kids --- well time passed and yep he got those kids too ---
He has recently been released from prison, --- should someone tell if someone knows someone is a convicted sex offender --- YES YES YES YES YES
the worst thing that could happen by telling is that the person you tell wont beleive you, they may call you a liar or you may never have a relationship ---- But if choosing NOT to tell, is far riskier.....

just my experience and opinion...
Peace, Sammy


Top
#61957 - 09/08/04 11:09 AM Re: Need advice---Accessing danger &Protecting my sons
Pollyanna Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/10/03
Posts: 211
Loc: Missouri
Sammy!
I am sooooo sorry. I said it before, "they" tell the kids...and us...to TELL. Then when someone gets the guts and does, "they" don't want to believe it. "Oh that NICE person couldn't POSSIBLY do such a thing!" Don't "they" know how good these abusers are at shmoozing? They are expert shmoozers! How else could they cover their butts?! Funny how the kid can have a detailed story, which never changes, and the adult says 'nope, didn't happen' and that's it.

The one thing I did learn from talking to Scotty last week, was HE appreciated what we tried to do for him, even if he wasn't believed by the people he was supposed to be trusting. I do believe him. It felt to me like 'they' were trying to convince him it didn't happen! Then they would get him to agree to "try" to get along. When he would get back into the situation and it was no different, he would go ballistic, and "they" would say "See? He's not trying." AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! (This wasn't the SA...this was other stuff.) As far as the SA is concerned, "they" went and asked the "alleged abuser." Oh yeah like he's going to just admit it. Instead, they did kind of a "he went thataway!" thing, and turned it on me. Brilliant. I am convinced though that the legal people really do know. That is a relief.

So what's the answer these days? I'm not sure, but I'm learning. If a kid ever comes to me again and says this or that happened, I'm going to do EXACTLY the same thing, and tell them to TELL someone who can DO something. No more church people, that's for sure. They don't want to believe anything bad, whether it's true or not. Welllll....unless it's Father Bob! It will be someone who knows what they're listening to. Sometimes the truth just isn't pretty.

Sammy, those kids will never forget you. You tried.

((((((((((Sammy))))))))

Lynn

_________________________
"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up."

Anne Lamott

Top
#61958 - 09/08/04 01:34 PM Re: Need advice---Accessing danger &Protecting my sons
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Lynn,
I did ok thru your posting until I got to your last line .... and then I cry.
I''m not so sure WHY I reckon some for me, some for my girls, some for the girl who was not believed by the "THEY's" of this world, and some for the many who are not and have not been believed.
It scares the living shit right out of me to think that in even this supposedly "enlightend" world that our children still are not believed, they are turned on, blamed, used and abused and then we wonder why they rebell against this raging world....
The kiddoes have a right to be pissed at us, many of us have let them down -- and in doing so let our selves down.
the line of acceptability just keeps getting pushed farther and farther back....

I'd do it all again Lynn, if I could have the knowledge to have called for a Supervising cop on the Scene or have had the knowledge of calling for a specialist juvinile officer --- or even if I had to to take the child and hide her underground until she could be safe and become an adult to make her own choices....
I have to live with knowing that I did the best I could given the knowledge I had.... but in truth it still seems so little compared to the outcome of this particular childs life.
She/& SCotty may never forget the good stuff, the attempts to protect them..... they even may wobble with feelings just as I /& you do ---- I just hope to God that when I face my Creator I get cut just a little slack in my screw up pile for having tried...
sorry i'm sad and having a shitty day --- and I again babble on far too freaking much
Peace, SAmmy


Top
#61959 - 09/08/04 02:25 PM Re: Need advice---Accessing danger &Protecting my sons
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Quote:
Originally posted by Pollyanna:
The thing that comes to me is, "it only takes once". Is it worth risking the welfare of the children?

If someone is a recovering alchoholic, they don't go into bars. Even 20 years later they don't go into bars. Why dangle temptation in front of someone who admittedly has a problem?

Children deserve to be kept safe, whatever it takes. If someone who has responsibility for a child doesn't know of the danger, they can't make responsible choices to keep that child safe. If I were the mother of the 2 year old, or the father, or whatever, I would want to know. If anything happened, and they found out someone knew, more than XXXX is gonna hit the fan.

Lynn
This is exactly what I was thinking. Even if it "only happens once" the scars on the child will be life long. The child will learn to adapt to what happened to him but the child will be ALWAYS be impacted. There's no going back.

If I was in your shoes I wouldnt ever leave my kids in the vicinity of a known pedophile -"recovered" or not, and to keep my conscience unburdened I'd also tell everyone who's kids might also come in contact with that person. Some people may not like that you've done so, and some ppl may react with bizarre, angry or accusatory behaviour, but so what. Sometimes we have to risk that in order to "stand up" and do the right thing. And its important to remember that the right thing is NOT ALWAYS the easy thing (right, Lynn?)

Its one thing if a recovered alcoholic slips off the wagon - he only hurts himself. But if someone's addiction involves hurting children, then there's got to be FIRM preventative line drawn.


Top
#61960 - 09/08/04 02:29 PM Re: Need advice---Accessing danger &Protecting my sons
Concerned Mom Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/06/04
Posts: 4
Loc: Virginia
Sammy and Lynn,

Oh Oh Oh I am so sorry!

To all of you, please try not to worry, I promise I will make sure the mom I am seeing next week knows. I also promise to ALWAYS tell.


Top
#61961 - 09/09/04 07:55 PM Re: Need advice---Accessing danger &Protecting my sons
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
This reminds me in a way of the angry scenes in one of our cities ( Bristol I think ) a few years ago when a known, convicted, and supposedly reformed pedophile was moved into a house on a large council estate ( social housing )and was named, and his location disclosed, by a Sunday newspaper.

There were near riots in the streets, whole families were out protesting for a couple of days until he was moved on, and obviously made anonymous again.

Very few people here at MS, or those I know within the Survivors movement here, are completely convinced that perps can overcome their desires.
Certainly not easily anyway, especially the "career pedo'"
Maybe the "opportunist offender" can turn themselves around?
And "we", the people here at MS, have more information and knowledge than most of the public do. So how is the average parent going to think?
My bet is that most don't believe in rehabilitation one bit, and who can blame them when the media tends to concentrate on the worst cases that often expose years of constant abuse towards multiple victims?

If we know who "they" are, at the very least we can take steps to protect other kids. But it can also result in the 'perp' going underground as well, often with police protection. At least they know where they are!

A few years ago I was sceptical of the US "Megan's Law" - but I don't hear of too many perps / ex-perps being run out of town by mobs.
I think everyone has a right to know who "they" are and where they are because there are no guarantees attached to claims of 'curing' offenders.
We can't guarantee that mass murderers won't kill again either, but we tend to see them serving longer sentences than serial sex offenders.

If I have a suspicion, then I act upon it without any hesitation. Just as I would if someone "didn't know" about a potential perp / previously convicted perp that had possible access to their children.

I've just figured out that I've used half a page to agree with Archnut !

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

Top
#61962 - 09/20/04 05:45 PM Re: Need advice---Accessing danger &Protecting my sons
teacher abuse Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/20/04
Posts: 3
Loc: USA
Why do these people not believe us?
I really don't get it. My son was sexually
assulted by his 5th grade teacher in 1997.
Yup we called the cops they did a report and concluded "lack of evidence". If you see in schools they have those emergancy lights in the corner of all halls. My son actually thought they were video cameras to watch so they weren't bad and told the detective "just get the video out of the camera at the end of the hall, that will show you I am telling the truth" Grrrr.
The teacher was given a early retirement package and hasn't taught AT OUR SCHOOLS since. But we see him at Walmart and food shooping on occasion. My son will be graduating this year and if he is out on his own, I'm afraid he might see him and have a panic attack alone. He turns white as a ghost and can't move. ANy idea how to help him move on. He has had counciling for over 2 years with NOVA in our County for Victims but when he sees him I get soooo mad and let everyone know there is a child molester in the building...any help?

_________________________
A.S.A.P
(Always Say A Prayer)

Top
#61963 - 09/20/04 06:14 PM Re: Need advice---Accessing danger &Protecting my sons
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
It was way back in 1964 that I wasn't believed by my headmaster, and reading your post makes me so.....
mad, angry and sad. Has nothing changed?

But "changed" or not, the most important thing is moving your son on, and avoiding meltdown when he see's the perp.
Hopefully the therapy makes some inroads towards this, but I think the love and trust of all those people he feels close to is going to be your best way forward. From the anger and concern in your post I get the feeling he already has that.

For me the various perps that abused me, and the headmaster who betrayed me are "non people" now, I just don't give a flying f**k about them anymore, the only important people to me are "me" and those I love and care for.
It wasn't easy getting here, but the less I focused on them the more I focused on my recovery.
I let thoughts of revenge and justice go, which I admit is a selfish thing to do, but who's more important? the survivor or the perp?

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

Top
Page 2 of 3 < 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.