Here I sit all alone wanting to reach out and touch him and love him like I should be able to. I have taken the advise you have offered and thank you I am starting to think more of what I need to do for me. The thing that is hurting right now is I just found out he is starting to call his ex-wife again after his therapy. I dont know if I should be upset or if I should just try to understand and realize she has known him alot longer than me. Maybe she can help him more than me, I dont know. I am trying so hard to give him the space he needs but I am scared if I give him the space maybe she will fill it in place of me. I just love him and dont want to loose him, I want to do what ever it is that I can do to help him. He tells me almost everyday that he loves me and I do believe him but I am worried. Thanks for listening.

wow scary that the person you are talking about sounds so much like me. i am a survivor and my suggestion is to get him to talk to you about what happened. try not to interupt or ask many questions. just listen and eventually he will realize you are still important to him. dont compete with his ex-wife because you will lose. she may know him better than you but you are who he is with. love him by listening and offer lots of support. eventually he will stop calling his ex.

Silentnomore,Thank you for the advise but I am so scared of losing him. I have been by his side for over a year now and listened to him and supported him thru everything but he is calling her and it upsets me. Should I just let it slide and let him call her or do I say something about it? Do I let him know that it makes me upset? You said that he sounds like you - are you going thru the same thing? If you dont mind me asking what are you going thru that is so similar to my last posting? I feel so alone and all I want to do is love him. How do I approach him and get him to talk to me? I am scared of pushing him to far and losing him by trying to get him to talk. Any suggestions?

[ 07-25-2001: Message edited by: tryingtohelp ]

[ 07-25-2001: Message edited by: tryingtohelp ]

This will be hard on you and on him too. You have to talk to him and ask what's going on. What kind of feelings does he have for the ex wife? read the other boards and see what other guys are going through. There are alot of guys here, me included, who suddenly see that they want to go back to their wife or girlfriend. Also, we might have to make amends to the people we hurt before. His story might be real complicated like most of the others here. I know that I ran away from my wife on purpose and then when I got my act together realized that I wanted her back more than anything, and alot of other guys say the same thing, so you have to ask him what;s going on and why did they split up. Maybe his abuse had nothing to do with it but if it did it'll be hard for you. Also you said before that he shows signs of abuse toward you, so watch out, this will be a tough road.

Openness, patience, and honesty are the keys. Try your hardest not to be defensive (and not to take anything too personally, if he gets defensive).

Since abuse screws up the ways we relate to people, it's very possible that he's facing up to issues that were just between him and his ex. Or he's asking questions about the time before you came into the picture.

It sounds like your biggest worry is about losing the man you love. I doubt that anyone could fault you for that position. Even if he doesn't feel comfortable repeating his conversation, he should at least be open with you about the fact that he IS talking to her (and how often); that is a simple courtesy to you, and the relationship you are in together. Talking to an ex does not automatically mean that he is trying to be unfaithful.

Hope this helps.

J

Thank you to everyone that has responded to my post. I have taken all of your replys to heart and they have helped me each in a small way. Communication is getting slightly better because of your insight and guidance. Thank you all again.