Maybe the only justice is in a fucking crack pipe ? -- I wonder that tonight, this early AM, because I spent a few hours with a man down the hall from me who had the luxury ,and yes it is a fucking luxury, to be able to have a CABG done this past spring or so , by pass of the arterys in the heart, something that Mayo clinic denies me along with going on a heart transplant list because to quote them" you would disease the heart too fast" -- and I am angry that a woman I know who is 64 recieved the heart of a 17 yr old, tho her own children are grown and her life fulfilled as much as my own -- yea, the fucking irony pisses me off when I am only 43 facing MAYBE getting to 44, but probably more like 5 more years of slow physical degradation, not just emotionally but phyysically also.
What has happened since I last posted? Hubby so fucking graciously gave me some extra cash i had saved some of my piddly pitance of 560 a mth to get out to visit my oldest daugh. who had asked specificially for a visit from me, mostly to help her with housing issues my so called volunteeer "forte'" --- but as I got there it was obvious I was going to be useless other other than a few phone calls, as there was and is no garuntee that she be able to remain anonymous to protect her from being "harrassed" from the new apt. she was basically forced to sign a lease for under duresss as they made her "homeless" by fucking with her on her last day of moving out -- i taught both of my girls to be responsible with their monies, and reporting repairs etc.. she couldnt extend her current lease as her apt had already been rented, so she ended up paying rent to her long term boyfriends mom, a nut ball with reason... my daugh called me in tears, begging me to come, a daughter who has a hard time just calling an checking in on a regular basis to let us know she is still ok, and we are still alive. I understand she is not the type who can handle my illness --- so I havent pushed and while there the visit ended in an explosion, and not only that i was physically ill needing physician care as I have an upper respirtory some shit that feels as if it has or is on the brink of full blow CHF congestive heart failure -- I dont know why i am telling u this shit but i want u to have a full pic from my perspective.
Hubby was pissy about me leaving, left on sunday the day i was to leave with a "hurried" voice and action as to me leaving, to spend as much time as i needed to be with her as "you havent spent much time with her" -- the statements and behaviors coming from him were waaay too reminescent of sending me on my doctors order vacation only to come home to him telling me he was facing rape charges... so of course my gut was on overload, but my not good sleeping pattern and dealing with a life time of narcolepsy and THAT bullshit of waking process started off a real god damn happy ass trip for several hours for me.
He chose to play baseball, instead of sticking around to say good bye to me or to help me pack or make sure i was in a decent place to even fucking drive. BEfore I lost signal on my cell phone i called him, and not being able to keep my mouth shut, i mentioned in a calm voice what I felt FELT mind you from my experience of him paking my ass off so very quickly ,..... that i was concerned i was going to come home to finding out that he had in deed acted on or out with these females on the "team", and especially a younger female who has been more than happy to flirt and show her tits to a group of men who are old enough to be her father/s age. -- Given history I apparently was supposed to be just hunky dory in trusting him and any of those females who he had "announced" for over a week we were divorcing not to my knowledge at the time.... but I drove on anyway figuring I WAS the one with the problem, and MY mind was the one fucked up in thought process, after all -- his therapist btw Ken Singer irony yet again in my life the same therapist you recomended to us is the only game in town and the guy he has been seeing for quite some time now sporadically.
I tried and continue to try like hell to be the bigger better, more understanding improved, person so hubby can "have his pain and confused time".... man that crack pipe is looking good and tempting tho i have never used in my life but i keep thinking --- crack = instant death.
I had called hubby on friday just to check in and say hi, to see how he was doing.... Big mistake HUGE mistake, he decides to tell me that his oh so fucking wise therapist has "advised him" that we should do a "trial divorce" keeping a calm voice i said "What is a "trial divorce"?, What have the last 3 years been? His response is that we stay separated but "date" other people. Hmmm, thats awful funny, when I DID try to date someone else when he wasnt doing ANYTHING, he ended up in the crayola wing with "memory floods" -- so I stopped that relationship immediately (graciously telling that poor confused man my separated spouse had some childhood issues that I needed to support him thru sorry, but gotta blaze -- seems that was all really hubby needed the basis of what i suspect truly was and perhaps still is "I dont want her, but NO ONE else can have her either"?...
I respected his boundaries that he laid out, continued my own 15 yr saga of fucking therapy and support groups FIFTEEN FUCKING YEARS so I wouldnt be harming anyone, and making sure I stayed on track for healing what I KNEW were MY fucking problems to heal.
I have made BIG mistakes, HUGE mistakes, ..... and I think the biggest mistake I ever made was number one even fucking TELLING ANYONE, number two, promising NOT to do to my kids what my parents did to me "ABANDON THEM"....oooohhh big fuck up. I reached out to so many to so many over so many years, and did the fucking homework, and the result is = I FUCKING FLUNKED AT LIFE!
DEstined no matter HOW MUCh, work , cliff notes, or study group available that i used or even going to "professsors" I still FLUNK, dont even get a god damn C for effort folks....
Apparently Honesty does NOT count in any form no matter how or WHY ones intentions are there. Apparently the part of the "game" no one told me about or alluded to that was noted in the back of the "book" is that one must continue to lie, not only to themselves but more importantly to their life partners. NO matter how big or small --- LIE, cover up, paste a fucking smile on your unhappy self, and then pretend that all is hunky dory attend some church, volunteer and nod and repeat "My my, isnt that nice, so glad to hear your doing well."
NO I am not bitter, not one fucking iota of a god damn non existent higher power bullshit.... humans are simply animals out for the better of themselves in the heap of the "pack". And remember even dogs & cats will fuck their siblings, & parents.... and we think they are "loyal"....
I made further mistakes on friday by calling my therapist and "crying", I was upset, hubby tells me his choice is that he just wants a divorce. Hmmm, ok --- but after 3 yrs and the last info I had we were going into a "session" with his therapist, my therapist and the 2 of us? What happened?
Oh, He's still ANGRY because of my admittance to him of my so called affair with the only person who stepped up to the proverbial plate to help me walk and become somewhat viable in this community.... FUCK ME SIDEWAYS JIMBO I FUCKED UP!!
I stupidly and I repeat STUPIDLY called my therapist "crying" i honest to god did not know this was a cardinal sin for women to do when told via telephone that their 18 yr relationship is over no if's and's or but's based upon some so called therapist "advice" or "suggestion" to try a trial divorce BEFORE marriage counseling -- uhm, I did ask was he aware that we had been physically separated for 3 years? and yes he was / is supposedly aware of this His info is based on what hubby shared which is very true if one can place an 18 yr relationship into SIMPLICITY impossible but he can some how? that the ONLY thing we have done is succeed in taking turns in "hurting each other" -- excuse me may I interject? DUH!!!! THAT is WHY I have been in therapy for 15 fucking years KNOWING I WAS BROKEN GOODS!! BUT, my hubby is so god damn innocent in his actions, he just doesnt want to hurt me or himself anymore....
I called my T who in his freaked out pussy self calls my hubby, then my daughter at her JOB!! FUCKER FUCKER FUCKER!!
So, who in the fuck has any experience in actually dealing with a real live survivor of CSA? apparently NO ONE suicide is a door that opens down a long hall way the moment a child is molested, raped, tortured, especially for the course daily for about oh my best guess 17 fucking years.
Oh I am no dumby, he did his "job", alright, but he did it ALL damn wrong, he involved my DAUGHTER in BULLSHIT he had NO right to involve her in. In all these fucking years, I have NEVER ACTED on my suicidal tendancy to actually do something in front of or that would leave a mess for my kids to clean up.
This is in reality one bitch who is dying anyway, just really really slowly and really really painfully --- we can euthanize those same dogs and cats and rats that will fuck their immediate offspring if they become ill or diseased, but not a god damn human animal???? OH pleeeeze I am so sick of hearing about how much it would scar my kids.... I have fucking heart problems, and the only difference is that my death is a slow process that is painful for me physically and emotionally.... which in turn does NOT allow them the proper grieving they deserve, if I died suddenly with NO disease attachment, they could grieve and say "gee miss my mom but eventually get on with life"... this is torture what they experience with my disease... I KNOW its fucking torture for ME!
My oh so bright and brillant fucking therapist can agree to my face , but some how its his fucking job to over react to me getting shitty NEWS that even HE was baffled over, he works right next door office to hubbys T, and the FIRST question he asks is the same one I asked "what the hell is a "trial divorce" , the explanation given & repeated "we live apart, but "date others" , excuse me teacher can I interupt with a question here....
WHAT THE FUCK WAS HIS GOD DAMN SEX ADDICTION BEHAVIOR FOR 15.7 YRS OF AN 18 YR MARRIAGE? the only difference is the "affair/S" he had were ones that involved REAL and IMAGINED females. and VERY REAL god damn HIV/ STD testing for ME to go through not to mention supporting him during his fucking RAPE CHARGES, that I had my docs write pity letters to get his "oh my gawd i am surivor of rape" ass out of..... Jesus Christ I feel played like a bad pair of deuces.....
I left my daughters later that evening, I was so god damn emabarrassed after having to explain to her that my so called therapist blew shit out of proportion, and that "dad" had dropped a bomb, she at least supported my position by saying this much "Mom, women are still not in this society allowed to cry, be angry or upset especially when it comes to a "man" hearing it." Hmmm I think I did good --- she is right in that statement... she was more than happy to see me go, as I told her she was and is NOT a part of her "dad and I's" relationship problems.....
so hubby's wonderful big fat slobby therapist can give hubby an armchair diagnosis of a wife he has never met tho i have tried for over 6 years to get into "marriage counseling" supposedly he should read about "borderline personality disorder" -- as he gives this advice to someone who is diagnosed ADD/ & piler = no time = skim reader = basically anyone and EVERYONE could be diagnosed with border line personality disorder especially a survivor of CSA.... Hmmmm I wonder if I should shove the fat ass out of his chair an collect his fucking pay check and let him live like I HAVE TO LIVE???? naaaww his fat ass aint worth it he still wouldnt "get it".
I arrived home on friday evening about midnight or so... had called a friend yes my SAME friend who i had S E X with at one time to have him help me unload my car = cant physically do it, he agreed, checked out the area so that I knew if hubby was anywhere around as his behavior and voice indicated over the phone he was not trust worthy as to whether he would hurt me or not..... he had an episode where i had to threaten to call cops to get him off property......for my safty and his...
so, am here until today about noon, had decided that i was going to give him what he wanted --- a divorce, can do it in 3 days, went looking for shit to hock -- called him told him had been in house and was willing to pay for 1/2 divorce, he agrees, tell him his actions have proven he would never take the action so realized he was doing these things to "push me" into action as that was notorious of him, over all these years and so would just follow thru, i had to get on with living or dying, either way him not acting was holding up me from being able to accomplish my needs.
He was so fucking calm and agreeable, to tell me "I told you I would pay for this" ... my response is that his behavior history was bad and that I was taking control calling his hand and doing it myself he was not trustworthy and that I was responsible for me... then he gets all "oh i am so worried what are u planning in his voice"... FUCK THAT, I simply replied quite nicely and calmly that I knew he would not file, and that I was doing it, he just needed to sign off the pages in 3 days....
he called me back after a few minutes some shit about a question of blah blah nothing to do with divorce.... UGH! AVOOO*IIIIIDDDAAANNNNCCCCEEE!!!!
tried to lay some line of shit on me that he didnt even know i had been in town since friday -- uhm, if he would COMMUNICATE WITH ANYONE his daughters excuse me MY daughter WOULD have told him she got an email from me saying i was home, sick with cold but fine....
I told him several things when i got in my place.... some pretty big things that have laid me wide open for even more hurt --- but god damn it this is WAR! and not WAR to GET a DIVORCE but WAR to NOT become yet another fucking victim of our abusers!!!
I got to thinking, ya know i unloaded my first hubby cuz he was a drunk and knew before i married him i would divorce him as i knew he was my "escape route" from my so called "dad" raping and molesting me every fucking day .... it was ugly only cuz i had birthed his kiddoes and wanted to make sure they were CARED for financially....
I married THIS man because he loved me, i found out much later he says out of guilt ??? I did and DO love him, he by far has done far more damage than any drunk could have done and I stuck out this marriage.... was he fucking BLIND? STUPID? nope, the doc has checked him out, he's functioning with all of physical capabilities in place.... and he is working on the emotional shit, maybe with a hopelessly stupid therapist tho? The man is intelligent and has the capabilities to understand much and is compassionate and caring.... I know it , I have experienced it but fucked up in trying to protect, love, and allow him to HIDE behind what he has mistaken as my bravado in facing and dealing with my Rapists, Incestors, and Molestors... MY whole functioning tool in my life has been out of complete fucking FEAR! I chose to ACT rather than to FREEZE.....
I decided that since his latest has been the range of emotions resulting from "feeling betrayed" entitled i know i feel and felt this for over 17 yrs with him & he is feeling a bit of what i have felt and it is still raw for him Mr god damn Golden Boy who has been allowed to present to society the GOLDEN PERFECT SON / BOY PERSONA..... and I stupidly allowed it thinking all along, I could not fix him, or push him that all survivors must heal in their own time..... nice line of bullshit til it gets down to only having a few months maybe a couple more years in my life here thanks docs you've been real fucking sports in helping this crabby unrealistic living in a fantasy believing in your lies and societal lies continue existing but havent figured out for WHAT bitch....
So, I broke i got told apparently i have failed to tell and show my hubby just exactly how much i love him? but got no, NONE , NOT ONE fucking answer as to HOW that is to happen or be expressed?.... I told him plain and simple, nope wasnt gonna give him the divorce, isnt what i want, aint gonna fight for anything but for what we BOTH have wanted since we were small... btw mr was at work yet again on his day off hmmmmm jeezus can we just over do ourselves into avoidance any more? --- I told him the truth is that I know for me and for HIM too that ever since we were small children we had sworn to our secret little selves "WE would never do this to our kids", BUT in reality we also swore we would never give in to divorce as easily as his parents did = one said i want a divorce get the fuck out, the other responded with an OK, and did --- nope decided If I was going out I was going out with a FIGHT, and I told him I could be a bitch and fight him for the house, autos, toys, insurance forever, half his 401, and a monthly stipend so I didnt have to live in the fucking Tard hotel disability housing being afraid of being raped, molested attacked by the very fucking people i used to take care of when i was working in health care.... i was dirty -- i told him i could be a bitch and make him sell all that shit, or insisit i live in the house until i died with my daughter caring for me, ... and good luck as a registered sex offender finding a place to live that was NOT with in 1500 feet of any "kids" laws can be stupid but good too.... told him tho, it wasnt about STUFF or things or money, never has been.... for me it was going to be a FIGHT to save what he and I both have spent our lives fighting for and wanting.... OUR FAMILY, THE ONLY GOD DAMN THING THAT HAS EVER MEANT ANYTING TO EITHER ONE OF US! ME HIM and BOTH THOSE GIRLS!!
and no matter what his stupid fat ass therapist said it was not going to be accomplished living in 2 different households in 3 yrs in hasnt why would it now?.... apparently the therapist IS aware we havent lived together in 3 yrs....
I told him, look this may sound like some fucking drama queen and i aint never been one! but now I was gonna lay it out... maybe my idea is fucked up but if we are going to seriously work on US, that meant we had to do it under ONE roof, and none of this quiet little voice of "move back" bullshit, what I have always needed from him and WANTED from him is to come over, tell me to get my shit packed up I was moving home and then sit me on the couch and TELL me just exactly WHAT he expected me of as a WIFE!
**believe me the snot was rolling from both of our sides on the phone***
WEll, in the course of the conversation he agrees that is what he wants also.... a few moments later he wants to call his therapist --- OH FUCK MY ASSHOLE HARD OK?! Of course his therapist is going to say "all the right stuff" a therapist should advise --- duh, been in therapy long enuff to figure out its not god damn rocket science... he's gonna advise him to "wait awhile at least until there is some action in marriage counseling" why? because he is still "CONFUSED" --- confused my ASS, he is HURTING !! and rightfully so, but as I see it, suck the shit up, I did for 17 fucking years and was far too fucking "patient for him to heal in his own time".... i GOT A GOD DAMN TIME LINE HERE ASSHOLES! of course being the "good person" i have been according to some bodys fucking legend I agreed that was his right, but also straight up told him it scared the living shit out of me, that he basically is holding MY LIFE in his decision and I was NOT going to be waiting for very fucking long... NO LONGER than this coming THURSDAY..... why? because he holds the gun and 2 bullets, I need to know whether to expend what little physical energy and health i have left into moving into the house and working on the marriage.... or using that energy to figure out how to 1. exist for a short while, 2. finish the steps to either THRIVE or die ...
EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL????perhaps, but truth and i know it.... problem is maybe others dont quite understand, i aint afraid of dying, I KNOW I am going to die, and it is not going to be some lovely hospice someone holding my hand --- it will be painful even if I am lucky enough to "have an MI in my sleep" -- been there done that and it FUCKING HURTS!! Ya dont just stop in your sleep --- even if you are on the surgical table one wakes up with SEVERE PAIN, and SEVERE FEAR.....
Later i talked with my daugh that lives here in town... oh she and "daddy" are going to concert tonight -- isnt that fucking great? I have a fucking chest & head infection along with a urinary bladder infection that has been setting off my sciatic pain so fucking bad i cant even fart or take a piss with out excrutiating pain --- but aahhhhh the insurance Co says my physical therapy does me no good? Grrrrr fucking morons are more than happy to pay for amputation & drugs MAJOR drugs than 120 bucks a wk for physical therapy there is NO GOD and NO JUSTICE!!
so she tells me that daddy had a back deck chat with "our friend" who i had a sexual relationship with..... OOhhhhhh we didnt bother to tell ME about this ....NEITHER OF THEM HAVE THE HAIR ON THEIR BALLS TO DO SO!
"They" decided that "friend" had no remorse, would do it all over again, loved me and cared about me very much ???? where in the fuck has HE been for this summer???? aahhh visiting probably the SAME fat fucking therapist hubby visits? AAaaahhhgggghhhh -- so Hubby on that cue decided he could never forgive me and he just is gonna leave me in the dust.....
funny, the cost to divorce in this state is exactly the same cost for cremation and filing a death certificate? Hmmmmm any one else find that IRONIC??? It causes me to want to truly flip a fucking coin ----
But here i sit in my lovely view of the mississippi that now represents a physical chasm between my hubby and myself a mere 3.7 miles apart -- but one cannot swim that mighty miss as the roller dams or the undercurrent will kill you... one can take a brige **watched a man jump from one of them as we crossed it, and killed himself, but that was gory and horrific to experience watching someone take a dive to cement knowing it takes about 7 or 8 min. to die once you splatter your brains on the cement....and even worse to dial the 911 for no reason other than to scrape him up and use the fire engine to hose off the gore left behind**
one can take a route of several other bridges to get from one side to the other....

Either way, I've been fucked, in so many ways and I am sick to death of it... I'm so god damn sick it is killing me truly.... my hubbys oh so wise therapist has told him we are "making each other sick" -- huh? MAKING? I said jeesus crhist.... we both knew and spoke out loud when we got together and married we knew we were "broken", but we make a choice to walk hand in hand to get thru this life together with LOVE....
I watched some dork ass show the other night , toward the end some couple that had divorced one asked "what happened to us" ? the other answered "Perhaps one of us forgot just exactly HOW much we were loved by the other" --- I told hubby that, I told him if we split then our Perps win yet again, and by god we had made a pact that those fuckers would NOT win against us, if we give in to the divorce that is exactly what happens....
I'm scared, I laid open myself raw ..... he has the knowledge now of just exactly HOW much power I have allowed him to have all these years --- I ALLOWED IT.... and I am now voicing it because he has been too, too fill in the blank but I just can only say "too stupid" to realize just exactly how much he has been loved, and is loved and will be loved....
Someone posted here something about perhaps not liking the outcome of the survivor's healing ----
who ever said that "I can tell you from my seat as a spouse, You're fucking right on the money sport"....
It's not that I dont want him to be everything that I have seen and known about him for longer than he even had an inkling in him he has "value", it's the hard fact I am NOT willing to pay the price of pissing away 18 years of being invested more than 100% on more than just a couple of occassions..... I am in the fight of my life.... FOR what I KNOW is god damn RIGHT!
i have had the choices to be a fucking doper, a fucking whore, a slut, believe all the bullshit that my perps said to me ---- I FOUGHT that shit, I aint perfect, but I have given everything I could and can to the point of what i truly believed triggered my own health problems that will cause an early death --- was and still am willing to pay that high price for doing whats right as I Live surrounded by people on public assistance who are dopers and draw assistance for being dopers, spend that cash on dope, crack etc.... and i worked, raised kids, supported a spouse and extended family, and even kids that are not of my flesh and blood.....
I'LL BE GO TO FUCKING HELL IF I GIVE IN TO SOME BULLSHIT DIVORCE!!
I MAY BURN IN HELL FOR BEING SO FUCKING ANGRY -- angry that I spent hours sometimes just imaging blowing away my perps in detail, hours wasted planning on how to kill myself to rid the pain and anguish......
BUT FUCK IT, I AM JUST NOW GONNA GET ANGRY ENOUGH TO FUCKING HOLD SOME REAL ASSHOLES FEET TO THE FIRE !!! NO MORE MRS PERFECT FUCKING PATIENT FOR HIM TO TAKE HIS TIME TO HEAL IN HIS TIME.... THAT HAS BOUGHT ME NOTHING BUT EVEN MORE PAIN AND LONELINESS....
If I am gonna die, its gonna be ON MY TERMS ---!!! IS ANYONE FUCKING LISTENING TO THIS??? GOD DO YOU FUCKING HEAR ME??!! MY TERMS YOU SON OF A BITCH!
and to think, that lovely call i left for my own stupid ass therapist yesterday asking him for a call back resulted in???.....
yep, i know i'm still waiting too ------
NO ONE CARES SO TAKE CHARGE, AND BOSS JOHNSON, ya know what if that fat fucker of a therapist he has tells him we need to wait for me to move back in together before we work on working on a marriage which is impossible to do not being under the same roof by the way -- I AM GOING IN TO THAT FUCKING OFFICE AND BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF HIM, AND THE DUMB FUCKER I "HAD" FOR A THERAPIST....
whats the worst that can happen??? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH jail? nope sorry dudes already been in captivity and at least behind bars i dont have to figure out what to cook for myself, set my own meds up, or even do my own fucking laundry AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

I FUCKING WIN!!!!!!

and yes i feel better after unloading that but i mean every fucking word of it and i will and am going to do everything i promised with my head held just as high as i have always had it.....
tears get ya nothing but a snotty nose, and a head ache.....

Sammy

Sammy I am listening. I don't know what I can do for you but let you know that someone is listening.

Guilt is not worth it Sammy, you're a fighter and it sounds like you are ready to start a big fight on behalf of yourself and your family. That voice tells you to feel dirty, guilty, bitchy, for focusing your energy and actions on getting what you want on your own terms-- that voice isn't really yours and it's not right.

oops, duplicate post

Sammy
one thing nobody can take away from you is your pride in what you HAVE achieved.
I8 years and two kids is some achievement given both your backgrounds, and I don't mean that to sound patronizing.

So is it any wonder that you're fighting for what you believe in? no, not at all.
It would be easy to say "fuck it, I'm outta here!" and go and join some hippy commune in the sun, but you seem to realise that wherever you go your mind follows you, we can run - but we can't hide.

I think I understand your choice of choosing to fight, and I even admire it.
"Sammy quit" Isn't something we're ever likely to hear.

Take care.

Dave

Well, after an ugly phone conversation in which hubby cut me off , the phone rang it was daughter in town.... she is sick, then daddy comes walking in from where she was callling me from, I wanted to talk to him as I had left a nasty voice mail thinking he just shut the phone off --- nope he got pissed and threw the damn thing and broke it. probably good cuz i left such a shitty message, hope i can remember to tell him that before he picks it up tommorrow hmmmmm...
I convinced him to talk to me on the phone and let me come over so I could talk to him face to face, it has been more than a couple weeks of not seeing or talking to him face to face. Daughter was blazing over to someone else's place as i got there....
we talked and not once did either of us raise our voices.. suprised the shit out of me!
Basically we just went over shit we already have discussed, but its so much easier when the person you love is on the other side of the table looking into your eyes the same time you look into theirs.
Funny he had this pile of clothing in a basket at the foot of the stairs of mine etc in the hallway for me, he was ready to go sign divorce papers tonight....
Long talk, he didnt cry, or even really flinch -- I did plenty I think for both of us tho,
It seems as if he wants some explanation or reasoning behind what happened after i got out of the hospital, my repeated refusals to allow him to come help me with that gapping wound -- for the first time I told him I think I just couldnt let him see or smell rot coming out of me, that for all my life I have felt has been in there, coming from a place from where it had been "injected" into me. He knew of my abusers before we married, not sure if I told him there were over a hundred before or after we were married??? He couldnt remember either -- it was suprising how much we agreed on, disheartening to hear that he is not sure if there is anything good in our relationship --- I began to list them, but his eyes sort of glazed over and I felt I had lost him so just stopped, ... it does no good when the ears stop hearing...
WE talked for about 3 or 4 hours, not once raising our voices --- something that I made sure to point out to him that made us so different than anyone who taught us to be adults (tho his anger shit and damaging, throwing shit still gets scary for me , i know it must surely come more from his actual abuse than being angry at me) --
He did let me hug him, and hold him a little bit, and he even held me some at the end --- we agreed for me to make an appt tommorrow with my T and his T for all of us together... I kept repeating in as many different ways as I could verbalize that I was NOT giving up on this marriage and that if we did it was just all of our perps winning and gaining more victims by leaving our daughters abandoned without two parents....
I also reached in and let the fear out of how I feel that I am abandoning them, by knowing I will die first --- he didnt seem too overly worked up or responsive to this.... but assured me that he did not feel that way????? I know tho' that he was working so hard not to be showing and expressing anger toward me.
I couldnt explain the relationship or why it happened with XX anymore than he could explain the prolonged sex addiction -- but yet again he drops even more news about the prostitutes he saw -- all the visits supposedly now have occured with in one week??? the story changes a little bit each and every time he tells it ---
I asked him if there was some way in his heart he could find a way to forgive me and work thru this just as I had and am working thru the sex addiction issues and the rape charge issues --- he says he isnt sure but he will try ---
WE made an agreement that there will be NO more "hot issues" discussed via the phone (he was on his motorcycle and drove like an asshole looking to kill himself on the way home from school that he skipped) -- and so I geuss folks this must be part of that whole --- moving forward shit....
Talking with him about the relationship with XX I really had some insight open up to possiblities as to HOW and perhaps WHY the whole stupid thing happenend to begin with.
the obvious question was it a way to "get back " at him for the years of emotional bullshit and prostitutes and HIV shit and the being charged with a sex crime -- but that seemed too simple and not enough,
I thot about how my T keeps pushing me about the position of the wound, and the healing process, -- and it didnt click until tonight, how much the smells of the whole damn process was so over whelming for me. Of how I worked so hard in our marriage to be "pure" for him all the while attempting to find a way to hide what I felt was pure black rotting on my inside -- a cancer of sexual abuse that continued to grow and untreatable now showing itself.
More importantly what hit me was that here I never thot of was this: I was under the influence as you know of very very strong meds -- it allowed for those ungodly unspoken sexual abuse shit to rise to the top, = one or two nights I ended up in the corner of my room in the fetal position, not knowing what the fuck was happening, and still dont remember exactly what happened, only that i vaguely remember screaming something about needing and wanting my mom --- my friend went to see my T with me shortly after that to find a way to know what to do if faced with that experience again .... As I talked about this with hubby I realized -- I had worked so hard to "protect him" even further from the fall out of my abuse history... I could NOT add that to his already huge laundry list of problems I felt I had brought him i.e. my health & being a survivor which in reality only sent a message to him that I still didnt trust him, yet truth is I still dont trust ANYONE, and now even more so myself.
screwed bent thinking , but as we talked it was about how we "rationaled" our behaviors resulting from our SA --- a blink, a glimpse? a BIG something for me I have never put together before tonight ---
He is still hurting, he is going to... I have to give him that. He says I am still hurting from the shit he did to me?... yes, I am but in such a small way compared to what it had been -- smaller much smaller because I brought myself to this site to learn about his side as a survivor, and looked and studied and asked as much as I could handle about the differences for male and female survivors....
it scares me to know the odds are so thin for a male survivor to have a " long term marriage" that doesnt fall into the statistics of divorce because of issues resulting from SA.... I told him I really really did not want our perps to not only have OUR lives as statistics but more importantly OUR DAUGHTERS lives as well .....
He still was the gentle person he has always been with me and walked me to my car, kissed me gently and told me he loved me... I had asked if it was ok earlier if I could hug him... and hold him, he let me.... touch is so important even when one is so angry.... healing when that is what one needs so desperately the kind safe touch of one you trust even tho they may have hurt your innards more than can be described.....
pray for us please -- Pray that my husband forgives my fuck up, pray that we work this out, ... that we dont fall into just another statistic of Perps..... I know and have told him he is the only man I have ever loved, he holds ALL of my secrets, and I hold his which makes it that much easier to harm each other with those same secrets .... but please know if there is a GOD , I am TRYING to do the best I can,.... I aint perfect by far.... but I do forgive him, he doesnt believe that much , but coming to this website and learning so much from so many brave people so willing to bare their souls upon here, has taught me the REASONS I should forgive, --- now we just have to figure out how in the world this marriage is going to become a marriage again under ONE roof -- with the man and wife who love each other sharing the soft sounds of each others comforts as we drift into more peaceful sleeps.....
Bless us All as we seek to be filled with kindness, forgiveness, empathy, sympathy and love for even those who have hurt us....
A better Sammy who appreciates the gifts from others....

Sammy
Still, nobody's said it. And I'm not holding my breath waiting until they do say "Sammy's quit"

Keep trying.

Dave

sammy and wifey,

wow, what long posts. i feel for both of you.

divorce is hard, i have twice. i was just engaged with a s.a. survivor and she freaked monday night. i got drunk, took some sleeping pills, and went out of it deep. we broke it off, she is the one who i have loved the most in my life. i still never trusted and my lack of trust has became a self-fulfilling prophecy- it ends and i trust others even less.

today, i am resentful . sammy talked abouut the new version. the new version of me was honesty. when i was honest while we were broken up for five months, i did one thing sexually with a man and she could not accept it. shewanted the truth, i gave it to her, she freaked and judged- thinks i have some deep dark secret that i need to deal with. may be right, i think it is bullshit. i can or could be bi or gay but love the shit out of her.

she had a former lesbian tryst and i am o.k. with that. she argues, hers was 12 years ago. mine was 5 months ago, just a bj from a guy in a porn shop when i was severely depressed, before even getting meds. she argues and dwells that that was the third time i did such, 87, 96 and now. i have some deep hidden secret she thinks. i do not think so, i love her to death but i got burned telling the truth.

i can tell both of you are pissed about what your going through.

i get pissed too. also, i do believe in counseling but my ex g/f fiancee went once, would not go again. that said a lot but i was thick headed and co-dependent so i just ignored what my t and told me. so, 7k later in putting down on a house, buying her a new ring that is not refundable, plus the 2.500 i lost on a house the lasttime we split- i am so co-dependent- i spend all my money and loose it.

anyhow, wherever your at, a good relationship is one of almost equals. if any side is dis-proportionatley over giving,etc... the other is frustrated; it won't work.

mine have been all that way, great women i have hurt, great women have hurt me. it is the trust issue for me and many survivors. then it becomes true, it hurts all invloved.

kids, family, they just don't get it. we s.a. survivors are sick at times, most don't funtion "normally". both sides have issues.

acceptance of all this makes a difference. i clammed up with all others, told the truth with thisone, am still alone and not in a meaningful relationship.

i/m going to my first coda meeting tommorow. my t recommended it. i could not go with my fiance for fear of being judged. wed are away now, i am going tommorow for me.

for what this is worth, i hope you all are o.k.
or will come out o.k.,, not without pain for sure, but relaxing as much as you can and realizing you are going through a hell of a process- in, out, back., divorced, counseling - i have done al that shit. i hate it. it hurts, costs lots of money, hurts others, etc..


guy