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#61889 - 09/05/04 12:17 PM I dont even know what to title this as**caution cussin**
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
I'm not asking anyone to take sides in this, and I dont want it to sound like I am blaming him, tho I am sure that is how it probably comes across most of the time. And probably how it will come out sounding too.
I dont post much for my own personal reasons. Never quite sure where I am starting from and never knowing where it, if anything is going to end.
He's a survivor and so am I. Had a therapist tell us yrs ago that she truly felt that no two SA survivors could ever live together successfully and thrive.
This past week he has asked me for a divorce. One I am willing to give him IF it is one that he has thought completely through, not just a gut , or knee jerk reactions cuz he was/is pissed at me.
Someone said some pretty damn profound stuff in the thread about hurting each other, (i think it was dan88? but forgive me if i have it wrong ) something to the tune of how when dealing with the changes that go along with surviving SA - perhaps others around the survivor end up not liking the "new version" ( this is what i understood or at least got out of that particular posting , not trying to put words in anyone's mouth i just understood it this way) ---
anyway After Husband and I talked calmly about the incident of looking at the xtra kiddoes butt with that perv stare, he did go back to group, and reinvolve himself in therapy (however has since refused AGAIN to return to group) -- and NOT because I threatened his ass either.... we talked he admitted he had been struggling with his addiction shit again, --- I did NOT make him do crap or give him any damn ultimatums.
It's been some time tho since I posted and much has happened in that time as usual.
What Dan said about inventory, yep -- I aint doing his inventory for him but I sure as hell am not gonna stick my head in the sand when I can see for my own damn self exactly what got him in legal trouble to begin with and keeping that girl safe was my FIRST and FOREMOST thought. Husband staying sober and safe came second why? cuz the truth is I love him -- and I knew the fucking look because it was the same fucking look that came over my own perps faces and probably my husbands perps faces also... To NOT act and approach him would have been allowing a sacrifice to happen and I could not live with that so if I stepped over some boundary real or imaginary then so what, at least the girl ended up safe.
I thot we had stale mated... oooo was I wrong. It was simply a resting period gaining energy to FIGHT over I still dont know what.
I agreed to marriage counseling but was not making the call to do so (still feel if husband gets ready he will or will ask me to do it) -- my T said he would not see us together as he was biased as in he would be too one sided for me (good for him to recognize this and be honest about it) - I agreed that if husband's T would see us then I would go besides I felt that if husband would not confront my oh so intimidating ass this guy surely would as he has been so damn free to tell my husband WHAT my diagnosis is from his arm chair with out having met me & basing his knowledge souly on what husband has shared.
so the big splitter that has put us in divorce court? believe it or not is a fucking baseball game.... and it wasnt about who won or who lost.
AS I have said husband has been a "piler" to avoid dealing with life, me fuck I am not sure of anything but figure it is so he can stop the damn tapes running over and over in his head.
I had been taking pics of some drug dlrs in the hood - the drug dlrs threatened me, husband had told me he planned to "fill in" for some guys at work with a ball game (yea during that time that was Supposed to be "our time together".
I was ok with him doing the fill in stuff it was only a couple games and it was something he had said that yes I could go watch with him if I wanted. Been trying to do things HE wants to do especially if HE makes the decision, ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS ASKING if it was something he wanted me to be involved in with him or not. Dont want to cross his boundaries or be his fucking mommy ya know.
Came time for the ball game, it was hot I had been to a ton of doc appts that day, and had lots of drug activity i had been taking pics of -- i asked him if he minded very much if I just went to his house and stayed in the A/C & rested , he said that was ok, I then told him the "new drug dlrs" threatened me & I was scared as these guys meant business (been doing this long enuff to know who means it & who doesnt) I asked could he maybe come back to the house before it got too dark so I / we could be "safe". Even if it was only in my mind. He agreed, I hot footed it back to the house / across an agreeable neighbors yard but he had split already.
9:30 PM rolls around its darker than shit out -- I try his cell phone , no answer --- I got pissed packed up my crap and split -- our no... HIS house was not safe as it has been being "cased" for some time & that is generally why my "warm body" had been staying there to keep his shit from getting stolen. aint i just a fucking saint?
Ok so I was pissed left a nasty ass message on his VM telling him after 3 yrs of this being apart shit and trying to come back together again with me trying to gain trust again blah blah blah I said sign the fucking divorce papers I was done.
--- 17 yrs this guy knows me, 17 yrs he should even if by OSMOSIS should know I blow a lot of scared hot air at first then come back to the table to talk. OH.. he no talky talky now... he done with this bitch. so he says.
His excuse/reason? for not being home or honoring my request?.... 3 other folks in house with me... UH huh, and of those 3 , one is severely hearing impaired and scared to death of every thing, one is emotionally impaired because fiance' died in his arms from asthma attack & none will call cops even if I or them had been shot... 3 one is our youngest daughter -- where does that put mE? AS MOM, not in the position of where i was and had expressed "I am TRULY SCARED can you PLease COME home EARLY for me" -- he is a big man and just his physical size and maleness is enough to do a bit of crime prevention k? nope, it was more important to stand around and talk to his buddies after dark --- I would not have been even the slightest bit pissed if he would have just called me on that damn cell he used to call me on 400 times a day when HE wanted reassurance or something, all he needed to do was call and tell me that he was talking to his buds and was everything ok?
Nope, didnt think to do that he figures there's 3 others in the house that should be ok enuff ---

I've been on a damn walker now for over 2 months because i have broken so many bones from this stupid disease that keeps progressing worse .... does he think of this? nope, gee the kitchen sure looks great .... cleaned it real nice Spammy just like you used to always do (but did he ask if it hurt or did he ask if i had some help to do it? or did I get a yeeehaww thank you?)...
aaaggghhhh
When we did finally get to talk (and talk not just 2 sentences shit) he tells me I WAS being unreasonable becuz there were 3 other folks in the house and I had said such nasty shit on his VM (oh he wanted to play it for me) I knew what i said and wasnt asking for an excuse nor making for one.... I am human and told him straight up, look I ask for so little , and when I do ask I tell you WHY, I WAS TRULY SCARED of those assholes.
Oh his answer is "A light switch just went off and I dont feel anything for you now." ----
WHAAAAATTTT???? It was that Fucking simple? I could have left a pissed off voice mail long ago and would not have wasted my time in therapy or supporting him or having my doctors write letters on his behalf to the JUDGES that he had to take care of me so his rape charges were dropped to misdemeanor charges and he only spent evenings in jail, and the weekends he was supposed to be taking care of me he could still go fucking golfing ???? OH FUC K ME did I make a mistake!

so a few days of trying to let him and me cool off he and I end up alone some how in his house. he starts a conversation leading me to believe he wants to discuss our relationship etc.... "There are a lot of things I am not ready to tell you yet, and a lot of things I haven't told you yet" (this is my hearing i have been informed recently my hearing is all fucked up thats not at all what he said?) **my emotions at this point just spiraled downward to some black hole where i heard him first tell me about being charged with rape & the lies and the prostitutes, fear jumped in jeezes was there going to be even more WORSE shit I was about to hear? (i tried to play strong on the outside)
I said - yea, i was sure there was and same on my end too but that was WHY I thot marriage counseling would be a good idea. He brings up a friends name who took care of me after I had been in the hospital so long summer b4 last. so DUMBBBY ME, is far tooo honest admits the relationship had been sexual for a short period of time ---- let me interject something here I was totally thinking he is attempting to prepare to spill even more shit he has done such as having sex with an 18 yr old & gonna face rape charges... so since I thot he wanted to have the gates opened up to tell me even more bad shit and being as honest as I can I stupidly told him... I also shared with him that I couldnt believe that he was gonna play dumb to this news as he had asked me several times if it was sexual 1) i was flat on my back & needed full time nursing care, 2) husband refused to be an advocate and help me by either fighting Insur co to get a visiting nurse or to come and take care of me himself 3) i stupidly excused his lack of doing anything as A) too emotional for him to deal with my wounds, B) too emotional for him to see me in pain C) too much blah blah blah... and he is an hourly worker so he had to go to work to get paid (he ignored the suggestion of family med leave act) -- put 2 ppl in an intimate situation and it was this guy was gutsy enuff to clean my groin, shave my groin daily and rip off this k cling feed me, wipe my ass bathe me, change my wound vac... you name it he did it -- where was husband? OHHHHHH work and uh uh uh "oh' I'm so tired" .... duh..... no i didnt make a great choice but i aint gonna beat the shit out of my self for it either

OH THAAAAATTT did it! NOW I AM THE ONE WHO IS ALL AT FAULT. I never claimed total innocence in this ball of bullshit called a marriage between two SA survivors....
Ok maybe I am not taking such good "inventory here" but I dont know where else to share this shit... HE called my therapist (yes he had my permission) and "read" my request for a few fair guidelines for the divorce (according to husband my therapist laffed at my letter to him I didnt think any part of it was funny it was and is serious) --- no i aint asking for a damn thing ... the kids we raised aren't his biologically and are grown anyway, no I dont want any physical thing or even health insurance.
I found out as he told me that we can divorce in this state in 3 days as long as we have been separated for more than 12 months.... we have. Glitch tho is that if one person is deemed disabled the other party must provide health insur. --- which fucks me out of having any health insur as 1) his company wont cover me if we are legally divorced (they dont have to) 2) I cant draw state or public insur as i draw cash from one state but emergency housing in a different state and neither state will give me health care or food stamps. EVEN if I COULD move back to the original state I draw disability from there is several yrs waiting list for housing for me. I'll be dead first....
In my request I simply asked that he not discuss our adult relationship with our daughters we raised together..... they can have their relationship with him and I will have my own with them.
During conversation he tells me he has only stayed with me because he has felt that he has caused my health problems (uhm hasnt helped but didnt cause)...oh that made me feel real fucking special ...
He also informs me that "I gave you your "confused time" I am entitled to mine".. yep I agreed, but how come during my "confused time which basically was being locked up in the fucking crayon wing a short while -- the rest of the time I still, raised kids, ironed his fucking uniforms, scheduled doc appts, social appts. helped the kids with schoolwork, supported his stupid in and out going to sea and in and out of school and in and out of jobs, and paying off his fucking phone sex bills, survived HIM getting me fired from one of my jobs because HE stole money from them...oh the damn list goes on and on...
AM I willing to go over this shit in counseling -- of course I WAS -- but he isnt now?
Perhaps I am being a bit too harsh here, but lets see.... hmmmm during the times I was in the hospital with multiple fucking heart surgeries, he would go home immediately after i came out of surgery to whack off to his porn, let's see he took my ATM card when I was in the hospital and asked him to pay my bills instead he used it to spend it on WHAT ??? still dont really know....
I am doing some major fucking regretting here about having tried to stick beside this guy because I THOUGHT it was out of respecting one survivor to another and that he said he truly loved me was sorry for his behavior and wanted to work things out for us to be back together again --- now I am not so sure --
I know I have said it before and I have become such a broken fucking record even to myself I cant stand it -- now I am making choices and acting on them.... I believed in him enough and had enough empathy and caring to understand and TRIED to understand that HIS issues were his , while we may have shared "some" common things as SA survivors what we didnt share I tried to learn about the male side for HIS sake and OUR sakes, so that I could be better for him in the support side and so that I could know deep in my heart I tried the hardest I could because I KNOW and KNEW
I was NOT innocent in how fucked up the relationship is/was.
I also knew it was going to be harder before it got better --- but here's the real deal, I got news from my doc last week I aint got much longer that I am gonna be here... so, because I know that I am making some active fucking choices
I've lost one hell of a lot of dignity and modesty in my life trying to do the right thing and give him & others room.... FUCK THAT
I'm done, ..... and nope he dont have to worry about paying out a lousy 215.00 bucks for a damn divorce....
I geuss I came into this Mad World being Mad and I will go out that Way




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#61890 - 09/05/04 01:44 PM Re: I dont even know what to title this as**caution cussin**
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1117
sammy,
no words can help. i know because i have been there. no words can offer comfort. all i know, is that i do understand. i have heard you, sammy. i am here with you. i can't promise it gets better, because i really don't know myself. what i do know is that we somehow continue on. we survive. if for no other reason than to share with one another that there might be some connection and a combined strength. i am here.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

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#61891 - 09/05/04 06:37 PM Re: I dont even know what to title this as**caution cussin**
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
((((((((((((Sammy))))))))))))

Like, Theo, I have no words. I wish I could take all the hurt, pain, anger, and conflict away, sister. I really do. But I can tell you that I love you and care for you.

If you feel the need to talk or vent, or just have someone listen, please PM me. You were here for me, and I can be there for you.

Peace and love,

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#61892 - 09/06/04 02:44 PM Re: I dont even know what to title this as**caution cussin**
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
I dont want to leave anyone hanging & thot it appropriate to share what has happpened since I posted.
First of all to Theo & Scot & gang, THanks so very much for your support by even just listening and reading.
Husband and I talked yesterday. I had called the house to talk to my daughter, I had realized husband had some of my things in his safe that I would need but did not want to confront him. So I zipped over there.
Lo and behold he was out just beginning to mow the grass... so it was strained but conversation none the less. The safe is hidden in a secret room (gotta love old houses) - anyway we were in there and he opened the safe for me, I didnt think he would as I have been back in my old negative thinking patterns that he is probably hiding something from me.
I shared with him that since we have not been getting along so welll those ugly non trusting thoughts are back, he said while that hurt he could understand.
Something that came out of what turned into a long pleasant conversation (surprisingly) is that when / while he maintains his sexual addiction sobriety I TOO gain a "release" or "sobriety" from those gawd awful constant doubting wondering if he is lying thoughts. But, since the argument, that shitty old thot pattern had come back and I had not even realized it had been gone. (I hope u r understanding this?)
basically as he maintains his sobriety from sex addiction I become trusting of him and maintain my own sobriety from "checking up on him" , or trying to catch him in a lie?
And as slow as it was , that there was no great instant epiphamy moment that said "hey I trust you now", it had occured over time and I was unaware just as he was until the "trust" had become challenged.
It was hard to start to talk to each other, but we did, it was harder not to jump or bite at each other out of pain, but we did in small steps talk and finally got down to some real nitty gritty stuff for the two of us.
Toward the end of our long conversation it was weird, I had called my T a day or so before & he was finally getting back to me -- he was glad to hear that Husband and I were talking and validated that my T had suggested that all 4 of us had a session . My T, His T, and us to perhaps put some stuff in a good motion forward or at least open up the gates a little better?
Wonder who if any will do flood control?
So for now I have stopped self harming --- which is a good thing, my body needs a rest from that shit. God watched out for us yet again ---
I am still not sure if we are ever going to have any kind of a sex life.
One of things that is a big issue for us (besides the given TRUST issue) is how if ever we are going to have a decent acceptable sex life. He is bothered that if we actually have sexual contact it stimulates the "bad sex thoughts". And he has periods just like I do with reverting to "negative thot pattern?" -- that old trained shit... in his words his "craving for his drug of choice porn & masturbation" becomes worse and not as easy to keep under control . He does not withhold sex from me as a form of punishment, he is more frightened that he will lose his sobriety.
We talked much, and it helped probably what has helped the most tho in this is that we did take some time apart from each other --- but it was too bad that it was sorta "forced" because of a fight? ...
The thing that scares us both is that we keep hearing "it will get worse before it gets better" -- we're not so sure we can handle much more. Neither am I.
There is so much more on our plates, and we keep trying to remember to breathe.... and we keep trying to improve and keep putting one foot in front of the other.....
I geuss thats all we can do eh?
Theo so sorry to hear that you & LT are having a bad go of things too....
Thank u ALL for your never ending support
Peace, Sammy


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#61893 - 09/06/04 03:54 PM Re: I dont even know what to title this as**caution cussin**
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1117
sammy,
thank you for the follow up, and the compassion. i cannot really comment much more on my recent loss for now, but your empathic response means a great deal. i truly hope you and yours can find a balance to share that some have not been able to retain. either way, i wish you peace. i recall once, several years ago, i was visiting a family member in the hospital. this sounds morbid, but i hope you see the reall meaning behind it. i looked into her eyes and i asked her if she was ready to find peace. not death, but peace. she affirmed with her eyes, and i prayed with her for strength to face whatever was entailed. she lived and to my knowledge, still does. it is the peace we are ready to make with what we know at the time that seems to be important. not fatalism, but peace.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

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#61894 - 09/06/04 06:08 PM Re: I dont even know what to title this as**caution cussin**
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Sammy,

First of all that therapist who told you that 2 survivors can't make it is an ass. I don't really know these stats but if as many people are SA as everyone says, the odds are that 2 survivors are doing just fine together somewhere. Whatever, that's not the point of your post but it bugged me.

No, of course in a relationship that lasts for 17 years, no one is totally innocent. I don't think you are so stupid for telling the truth about what happened between you and your friend. If you and your husband are ever going to really talk/work through any of this shit, he has to understand where you are coming from and why, and maybe he has to make the connection somewhere that something you did the summer before last does not make something that happened *before that* your fault. Besides, you talk about reclaiming your dignity and modesty, what better way to show your dignity than to put your 100% honest self out there and say, This is me, take it or leave it.

Sammy, no matter what news you get from the docs I hope you are making healthly choices, emotionally and physically-- you are worth it and we are pulling for you here.


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#61895 - 09/06/04 07:00 PM Re: I dont even know what to title this as**caution cussin**
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Sammy
I read the first post and copied this -

Quote:
I've lost one hell of a lot of dignity and modesty in my life trying to do the right thing and give him & others room.... FUCK THAT
And I agree, completely. Everyone has a right to self dignity. And although I know that partners give up so much of it to help those they love, nobody should give it all up.

Then I read your second post, and you're talking again. "SOME" dignity is regained.


Quote:
basically as he maintains his sobriety from sex addiction I become trusting of him and maintain my own sobriety from "checking up on him" , or trying to catch him in a lie?
And as slow as it was , that there was no great instant epiphamy moment that said "hey I trust you now", it had occured over time and I was unaware just as he was until the "trust" had become challenged.
Ain't that the truth! it's a slow and confusing ride, for both of you given your histories.
And just how much do they overlap each other?
Also the day's you "need" he might "need" as well, sure-fire conflict there.

Is there an answer? if there is I think you'll find it!

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#61896 - 09/07/04 08:03 PM Re: I dont even know what to title this as**caution cussin**
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
****CAUTION CONTAINS MANY MANY TRIGGERS & CUSSIN**** IF YOU ARE NOT IN A GOOD SPACE DO NOT READ THIS!*********


First something here for SAR, -- making "healthy choices"... well I had NOT been, I was on this short lived self harming binge. I'm not a cutter or a drinker or some what I can only find probably wrong words for uhm normal or obvious types of self harm.... actually I wasnt even on a "binge of self harming" I was actively trying to kill myself.
Lord knows I have enough medications around here to do it just due to my health problems. I kept telling myself and those that were calling or dropping by (i had my friend come get the shit of his he left in my apt)that if I killed myself I could do it in such a way that it would not look like a damn over dose -- heart problems , well hell folks die in there sleep all the time from MI's .... What I had for a medical background for so many years that was a life time ago that I am not sure even really happened anymore -- I knew by NOT taking my meds and over using certain meds, well... the inevitable would happen and given my health history no one would be in any big hurry to do an autopsy.... beside all the stents I have etc... they would never have known unless someone had let the cat out of the bag (and who put the cat in the bag to begin with? some stoner that thot it was funny? ok enuff avoidance humor) --
So I had been self harming by NOT taking my meds and using far too much of pain killers mix it with a coffee & bailys, made for a little drunker / stoner easier to deal or hide the pain I geuss... Why in God's name does it hurt so much more to CRY than to get so freaking wasted & on the edge of barfing ???? Crying is certainly easier , altho it does for me take more energy , but to use the energy to put together some cocktail of drugs... and take days to do it.. cuz holy smack I HAVE had to clean up suicides that people have Overdosed & shot themselves & believe me I KNOW I am too chicken to do it THAT way..
somehow i got off topic here and i dont know why please bear with me?? --
So today I awoke over at the husband house, yesterday was a bad one physically for me, I am at a point where I am falling frequently & just in general the heat is a real killer on ticker patients.... so I had stayed on his couch. We had talked, he and the kiddoes (they aint kiddoes i need to change that wording the "young adults") cleaned out the garage together and I hid in the A/C. I had only made a cup of coffee and had read an email when in comes the youngest daugh. who is just recently moved back after college (job hunting ugh) ANYWAY, it was this horrific nightmare replay of some events of what had occurred BEFORE husband had gotten so low in his sex addiction that he had the party and ended up in bed with this particular daughters acquaintance..... I know she is stressed (the daugh) her bio dad & step mom split up & just this past wk her bio dad moved several states away Waaaaayyyy up in the north west to kill big animals with big horns .... and work. But I am sittin on the couch feeling like a ton of shit -- which is pretty much my normal feeling first AM before coffee is in me, I flipped thru some channels... decided I couldnt handle anything gross & stopped on CMT (country music)--- Miss THING goes half swaying stomping by with a snot remark of "I just Caaant Handle ANY country today!) I also wondered just exactly when in the hell I reproduced some Hilton daughter drama queen a woman?... I ignored her so big fucking deal, leave... nope gotta come back made a comment on some gal who sang a tune with my man Willie and then yet another comment about the channel...oh HELL NO!
What the fuck am I doing? i put my jeans on, poured my coffee into a travel mug and took out for my OWN house.. felt like poop dizzy puking all wkend flu something? anyway she says, You arent ok to drive if you wait I will take you (excuse me this is the SAME daugh who WOULD NOT go to grocery for me the other day something I cant do due to disability alone) said hey, dont sweat it I got it...well, are u mad? -- (sometimes I swear bill ingvald lives in my head) nope I said just pissed and YES I am mad, I am not gonna take any of your crap I have a perfectly good home of my own and I am going there. "Well, call me if you need anything" HUH? oh jeeze.... is this the GOTH girl INGVALD had show up at his door? --
I got home and took my BP -- wowowowowowowow, just NOT taking that BP med is enuff to kill my dumb ass... so I took my meds and laid down to get it under control... Self harm, neglect ---
I dont HAVE to do ANYThING to hurt myself except NOT take my stupid gross meds... but I am now and have it almost in the norm range.
the kicker in this, and this is the part SAR where I tried I think to start to tell you, is that summer bfore this one (i had the time wrong) I ended up in the ER with a big fat anurysm (sp) where the docs had gone in the femoral artery (thats the big fat one in your leg & groin) well it exploded and I almost bled to death & almost died (husband was with me and saved my life truly)... the whole effin summer, I spent with several surgeries to repair it & plastic surgeons and a gappin gross hole in my body filled with a stinkin staph infection -- 7 wks flat on my back, and another 3 months at home having a wound vac sucking nasty shit out of me, and no one and I mean NO ONE but 3 visits from visiting nurses on RARE occassions (that the insur ok'd) to take care of me, now that long on the back one loses muscle mass quickly -- === many weeks of pain , physical therapy trillions of doc appts you name it some night mare that doesnt even equal FREDDY and his claws.... this is where the friend came in... I tried like hell to forgive my husband as it had to be hard on him to deal with what I had to go thru and what he himself had witnessed/worred about etc. -- hell I ended up being a drug addict just from the fear of the pain from it... Long story short thats where this friend helped me out.. and I CAN walk now, not well, but I CAN --- (in the midst of this i had lost a cardiac rehab buddy to sudden MI)
This mornings episode with daugh was a flashback from hell in attitude as to what led up to his stress level that pushed him over the edge to drinking before the whole event of being charged with rape. So --- I am sitting here in wonderment, is this going to be repeat ? .... We do have some differences this time, he is in active therapy, .... he can and DOES tell her NO, she is more mature but still hasnt dealt with her own guilt etc over the whole "rape" deal.

Dignity -- there are so many folds to dignity for myself.... and it has been challenged, changed and damaged in many ways. I am not sure i have any left... I think so , but that is probably attached to something called "Hope" , hope it dont get much worse.
For me Dignity and Modesty somehow are almost inseperable. What modesty I have had over all these years has been very attached to my dignity.
While being raped/molested/ etc... I was forced to lose modesty, and in turn emotionally I lost dignity in myself.
While I have been thru so much physically health wise, I lost a certain amount of modesty -- but was a bit of acceptable of it because some things in the med field just are -- for example, getting my pubic area shaved for an angioplasty --- the worst experience tho' was after being forced to be flat on my back for about 5 weeks I had to use the bedpan, it was humilating beyond anything I had ever experienced this is the gods honest truth.... then to add insult to injury in walks a nursing assistant who is going to wipe my ass who I had worked with... it was as if it wasnt just the icing on the cake for insult or even salt in the wound ....It was the stealing and raping of the last ounce of Modesty and Dignity that I had kept inside of me next to my steely heart.
It tore me to the bottoms of the deepest of a hole I dont think I have yet to have come out of. Only later thru wound vac therapy was I forced to do some "posing" as in I had to spread my legs apart as I sat in a recliner and the wound specialist would take pictures of my wound to document healing (sorry if thats triggering but true).
I know that my therapist has told me and it didnt take a huge rocket scientist to figure this part out... that just because of where my wound was and the way it had to be cleaned and cared for was as if I was being repeatedly raped and reliving in real life what I went thru as a child, ..... the pain was real, the smells were real, the being forced to be immobilized were real .... and that last thing .... that last piece of modesty and dignity that somehow I had hung on to all these years was torn away....
I no longer could even have a BM in privacy or comfort or wipe my own behind

I had thought that when my husband had shared that he was facing rape charges, and that I had lowered myself to ask my docs to write letters on his behalf to the judge asking for leinency so he could care for me, if he didnt work no insur no insur I would die basically, the docs even made sure his "weekends" in jail were just over nighters so that he would be with me during the days to care for me.... and I am not sure WHY I chose to do this for him?>
I know I loved and do Love him. I know I respect and first think of him as a CO Survivor in pain, he is also my very own secondary victim as I am his. I try to give him room to fuck up, just as much as I have fucked up....
but laid out as I said to him the other day, with his sex addiction action if we stacked fuck ups side by side -- his are still way taller than mine will ever be.
And that is probaby where in a whole bunch of my anger with him lies. That he some how stooped to this behavior (god forgive me for being so judgemental right now) of being a sex addict. I took the inititiave (sp) of seeking to learn as much as I possibly could about the difference for male sex abuse survivors as opposed to female sex abuse survivors. There are many great differences, and yet many like results.
Just in my opinion, females have some how been trained or connected or something to be able to disclose if not to a larger group at least to one other person in their life times. Of course each of us have our own healing paths whether male or female and where we are upon those paths depends on any muliples of factors.
I have tried to be honest through out my life, know what blatant lies I have told and even tho I've told them know that my rationalizing of them is for my own selfishness of not being able to be honest with myself.
Where we go from here? I have no idea, I know that today I have made a choice to get back on track of taking care of my health in the proper way because I need to. I know that my death can only happen when my Creator calls me to cross over.
Relationship with hubby, he phoned & interupted this ungodly long rambling spree to let me know that our youngest daugh was there with him (he put tires on her car & he is keeping an IOU record on her) -- he was wanting so badly to send her to me to go to the store for me so that I had grocery's & someone to sit in while I took a bath.... I told him no, please not to make the choice to get between her and I again. That he must work his own relationship with her, and that I must work my own relationship with her. We cant let her get between us again. If we do --- we would be just repeating what I was talking about.
This is hard work for us -- not just as a couple, but as a family. There is so little "true" support for us. Friends get worn out quickly when someone they care about or love is terminally ill and slowly dying, it is far harder on those who are family members. One can only ask so much of others -- I keep telling folks the honest truth is.... I could never be in "their shoes" if I had to deal with me. I doubt I could do it.
Yet, I have this double standard of thought I geuss that says.... I would never leave them, I would go get their grocerys with them --- I would make time to help them shower... I would not let them end up in a nursing home, I would help them die with dignity.... and yet inside I know my heart would not be able to withstand the pain for very long and even I too would leave them.
I'm so screwed up in the head and heart ---- I want so fucking badly to go back to go back and live... live the life I had and take advantage of every second that was an opportunity to do the right thing.... and I am scared that the last few days, months or years left I have I will fuck them up so sorely that God will look down on me and ask me "Why? Why child did you choose when I gave you so many opportunities to live, you turned from me.....

A messed up Sammy who needs to shut up
Blessings of Peace for All


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#61897 - 09/09/04 08:17 PM Re: I dont even know what to title this as**caution cussin**
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Sammy
never - ever - "shut up".

In amongst your extraordinary "ramblings" there lies so much compassion for others, even given your health the way you fight for what is YOURS is an inspiration to me.
You DO have the right to "want so fucking badly to go back to go back and live... live the life I had and take advantage of every second that was an opportunity to do the right thing...."

everyone of us has that right, maybe we're never going to achieve it in the way we dream of, but I'm going to fight all the way for it.
It's better to go down fighting than give up, and I just can't imagine you giving up somehow.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#61898 - 09/10/04 04:34 PM Re: I dont even know what to title this as**caution cussin**
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
(((((((((((((sammy))))))))))))))))

I'm feeling really sad, torn, about your news about your health.. I have absolutely no idea how you are feeling - this is something that I truly cannot comprehend.. I can try to empathize as much as possible.... I just feel so bad for you, your family, etc.

I dont think you should feel ANY need to regret not leading a "stand up" life - from what I've read from you over the past few years and especially in your posts on this thread I see SO much of what you've done as truly giving, loving and admirable. You've continually sacrificed yourself, your mental energy and BEEN THERE for your husband, your family, despite being emotionally abandoned, betrayed, and hurt by him in addition to dealing with your own SA.

You've tried to protect your family and others as best you could. And you've been terribly hurt in the process. You've done SO MUCH for people despite carrying a heavy load. I'm sure God doesn't forget stuff like that. I'm sure a great reward awaits for you when God DOES call you home, whenever that may be. Dont second guess that.


"Blessed are they who suffer persecution for justice sake, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven"


P


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