I'm not asking anyone to take sides in this, and I dont want it to sound like I am blaming him, tho I am sure that is how it probably comes across most of the time. And probably how it will come out sounding too.
I dont post much for my own personal reasons. Never quite sure where I am starting from and never knowing where it, if anything is going to end.
He's a survivor and so am I. Had a therapist tell us yrs ago that she truly felt that no two SA survivors could ever live together successfully and thrive.
This past week he has asked me for a divorce. One I am willing to give him IF it is one that he has thought completely through, not just a gut , or knee jerk reactions cuz he was/is pissed at me.
Someone said some pretty damn profound stuff in the thread about hurting each other, (i think it was dan88? but forgive me if i have it wrong ) something to the tune of how when dealing with the changes that go along with surviving SA - perhaps others around the survivor end up not liking the "new version" ( this is what i understood or at least got out of that particular posting , not trying to put words in anyone's mouth i just understood it this way) ---
anyway After Husband and I talked calmly about the incident of looking at the xtra kiddoes butt with that perv stare, he did go back to group, and reinvolve himself in therapy (however has since refused AGAIN to return to group) -- and NOT because I threatened his ass either.... we talked he admitted he had been struggling with his addiction shit again, --- I did NOT make him do crap or give him any damn ultimatums.
It's been some time tho since I posted and much has happened in that time as usual.
What Dan said about inventory, yep -- I aint doing his inventory for him but I sure as hell am not gonna stick my head in the sand when I can see for my own damn self exactly what got him in legal trouble to begin with and keeping that girl safe was my FIRST and FOREMOST thought. Husband staying sober and safe came second why? cuz the truth is I love him -- and I knew the fucking look because it was the same fucking look that came over my own perps faces and probably my husbands perps faces also... To NOT act and approach him would have been allowing a sacrifice to happen and I could not live with that so if I stepped over some boundary real or imaginary then so what, at least the girl ended up safe.
I thot we had stale mated... oooo was I wrong. It was simply a resting period gaining energy to FIGHT over I still dont know what.
I agreed to marriage counseling but was not making the call to do so (still feel if husband gets ready he will or will ask me to do it) -- my T said he would not see us together as he was biased as in he would be too one sided for me (good for him to recognize this and be honest about it) - I agreed that if husband's T would see us then I would go besides I felt that if husband would not confront my oh so intimidating ass this guy surely would as he has been so damn free to tell my husband WHAT my diagnosis is from his arm chair with out having met me & basing his knowledge souly on what husband has shared.
so the big splitter that has put us in divorce court? believe it or not is a fucking baseball game.... and it wasnt about who won or who lost.
AS I have said husband has been a "piler" to avoid dealing with life, me fuck I am not sure of anything but figure it is so he can stop the damn tapes running over and over in his head.
I had been taking pics of some drug dlrs in the hood - the drug dlrs threatened me, husband had told me he planned to "fill in" for some guys at work with a ball game (yea during that time that was Supposed
to be "our time together".
I was ok with him doing the fill in stuff it was only a couple games and it was something he had said that yes I could go watch with him if I wanted. Been trying to do things HE wants to do especially if HE makes the decision, ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS ASKING if it was something he wanted me to be involved in with him or not. Dont want to cross his boundaries or be his fucking mommy ya know.
Came time for the ball game, it was hot I had been to a ton of doc appts that day, and had lots of drug activity i had been taking pics of -- i asked him if he minded very much if I just went to his house and stayed in the A/C & rested , he said that was ok, I then told him the "new drug dlrs" threatened me & I was scared as these guys meant business (been doing this long enuff to know who means it & who doesnt) I asked could he maybe come back to the house before it got too dark so I / we could be "safe". Even if it was only in my mind. He agreed, I hot footed it back to the house / across an agreeable neighbors yard but he had split already.
9:30 PM rolls around its darker than shit out -- I try his cell phone , no answer --- I got pissed packed up my crap and split -- our no... HIS house was not safe as it has been being "cased" for some time & that is generally why my "warm body" had been staying there to keep his shit from getting stolen. aint i just a fucking saint?
Ok so I was pissed left a nasty ass message on his VM telling him after 3 yrs of this being apart shit and trying to come back together again with me trying to gain trust again blah blah blah I said sign the fucking divorce papers I was done.
--- 17 yrs this guy knows me, 17 yrs he should even if by OSMOSIS should know I blow a lot of scared hot air at first then come back to the table to talk. OH.. he no talky talky now... he done with this bitch. so he says.
His excuse/reason? for not being home or honoring my request?.... 3 other folks in house with me... UH huh, and of those 3 , one is severely hearing impaired and scared to death of every thing, one is emotionally impaired because fiance' died in his arms from asthma attack & none will call cops even if I or them had been shot... 3 one is our youngest daughter -- where does that put mE? AS MOM, not in the position of where i was and had expressed "I am TRULY SCARED can you PLease COME home EARLY for me" -- he is a big man and just his physical size and maleness is enough to do a bit of crime prevention k? nope, it was more important to stand around and talk to his buddies after dark --- I would not have been even the slightest bit pissed if he would have just called me on that damn cell he used to call me on 400 times a day when HE wanted reassurance or something, all he needed to do was call and tell me that he was talking to his buds and was everything ok?
Nope, didnt think to do that he figures there's 3 others in the house that should be ok enuff ---
I've been on a damn walker now for over 2 months because i have broken so many bones from this stupid disease that keeps progressing worse .... does he think of this? nope, gee the kitchen sure looks great .... cleaned it real nice Spammy just like you used to always do (but did he ask if it hurt or did he ask if i had some help to do it? or did I get a yeeehaww thank you?)...
When we did finally get to talk (and talk not just 2 sentences shit) he tells me I WAS being unreasonable becuz there were 3 other folks in the house and I had said such nasty shit on his VM (oh he wanted to play it for me) I knew what i said and wasnt asking for an excuse nor making for one.... I am human and told him straight up, look I ask for so little , and when I do ask I tell you WHY, I WAS TRULY SCARED of those assholes.
Oh his answer is "A light switch just went off and I dont feel anything for you now." ----
WHAAAAATTTT???? It was that Fucking simple? I could have left a pissed off voice mail long ago and would not have wasted my time in therapy or supporting him or having my doctors write letters on his behalf to the JUDGES that he had to take care of me so his rape charges were dropped to misdemeanor charges and he only spent evenings in jail, and the weekends he was supposed to be taking care of me he could still go fucking golfing ???? OH FUC K ME did I make a mistake!
so a few days of trying to let him and me cool off he and I end up alone some how in his house. he starts a conversation leading me to believe he wants to discuss our relationship etc.... "There are a lot of things I am not ready to tell you yet, and a lot of things I haven't told you yet" (this is my hearing i have been informed recently my hearing is all fucked up thats not at all what he said?) **my emotions at this point just spiraled downward to some black hole where i heard him first tell me about being charged with rape & the lies and the prostitutes, fear jumped in jeezes was there going to be even more WORSE shit I was about to hear? (i tried to play strong on the outside)
I said - yea, i was sure there was and same on my end too but that was WHY I thot marriage counseling would be a good idea. He brings up a friends name who took care of me after I had been in the hospital so long summer b4 last. so DUMBBBY ME, is far tooo honest admits the relationship had been sexual for a short period of time ---- let me interject something here I was totally thinking he is attempting to prepare to spill even more shit he has done such as having sex with an 18 yr old & gonna face rape charges... so since I thot he wanted to have the gates opened up to tell me even more bad shit and being as honest as I can I stupidly told him... I also shared with him that I couldnt believe that he was gonna play dumb to this news as he had asked me several times if it was sexual 1) i was flat on my back & needed full time nursing care, 2) husband refused to be an advocate and help me by either fighting Insur co to get a visiting nurse or to come and take care of me himself 3) i stupidly excused his lack of doing anything as A) too emotional for him to deal with my wounds, B) too emotional for him to see me in pain C) too much blah blah blah... and he is an hourly worker so he had to go to work to get paid (he ignored the suggestion of family med leave act) -- put 2 ppl in an intimate situation and it was this guy was gutsy enuff to clean my groin, shave my groin daily and rip off this k cling feed me, wipe my ass bathe me, change my wound vac... you name it he did it -- where was husband? OHHHHHH work and uh uh uh "oh' I'm so tired" .... duh..... no i didnt make a great choice but i aint gonna beat the shit out of my self for it either
OH THAAAAATTT did it! NOW I AM THE ONE WHO IS ALL AT FAULT. I never claimed total innocence in this ball of bullshit called a marriage between two SA survivors....
Ok maybe I am not taking such good "inventory here" but I dont know where else to share this shit... HE called my therapist (yes he had my permission) and "read" my request for a few fair guidelines for the divorce (according to husband my therapist laffed at my letter to him I didnt think any part of it was funny it was and is serious) --- no i aint asking for a damn thing ... the kids we raised aren't his biologically and are grown anyway, no I dont want any physical thing or even health insurance.
I found out as he told me that we can divorce in this state in 3 days as long as we have been separated for more than 12 months.... we have. Glitch tho is that if one person is deemed disabled the other party must provide health insur. --- which fucks me out of having any health insur as 1) his company wont cover me if we are legally divorced (they dont have to) 2) I cant draw state or public insur as i draw cash from one state but emergency housing in a different state and neither state will give me health care or food stamps. EVEN if I COULD move back to the original state I draw disability from there is several yrs waiting list for housing for me. I'll be dead first....
In my request I simply asked that he not discuss our adult relationship with our daughters we raised together..... they can have their relationship with him and I will have my own with them.
During conversation he tells me he has only stayed with me because he has felt that he has caused my health problems (uhm hasnt helped but didnt cause)...oh that made me feel real fucking special ...
He also informs me that "I gave you your "confused time" I am entitled to mine".. yep I agreed, but how come during my "confused time which basically was being locked up in the fucking crayon wing a short while -- the rest of the time I still, raised kids, ironed his fucking uniforms, scheduled doc appts, social appts. helped the kids with schoolwork, supported his stupid in and out going to sea and in and out of school and in and out of jobs, and paying off his fucking phone sex bills, survived HIM getting me fired from one of my jobs because HE stole money from them...oh the damn list goes on and on...
AM I willing to go over this shit in counseling -- of course I WAS -- but he isnt now?
Perhaps I am being a bit too harsh here, but lets see.... hmmmm during the times I was in the hospital with multiple fucking heart surgeries, he would go home immediately after i came out of surgery to whack off to his porn, let's see he took my ATM card when I was in the hospital and asked him to pay my bills instead he used it to spend it on WHAT ??? still dont really know....
I am doing some major fucking regretting here about having tried to stick beside this guy because I THOUGHT it was out of respecting one survivor to another and that he said he truly loved me was sorry for his behavior and wanted to work things out for us to be back together again --- now I am not so sure --
I know I have said it before and I have become such a broken fucking record even to myself I cant stand it -- now I am making choices and acting on them.... I believed in him enough and had enough empathy and caring to understand and TRIED to understand that HIS issues were his , while we may have shared "some" common things as SA survivors what we didnt share I tried to learn about the male side for HIS sake and OUR sakes, so that I could be better for him in the support side and so that I could know deep in my heart I tried the hardest I could because I KNOW and KNEW
I was NOT innocent in how fucked up the relationship is/was.
I also knew it was going to be harder before it got better --- but here's the real deal, I got news from my doc last week I aint got much longer that I am gonna be here... so, because I know that I am making some active fucking choices
I've lost one hell of a lot of dignity and modesty in my life trying to do the right thing and give him & others room.... FUCK THAT
I'm done, ..... and nope he dont have to worry about paying out a lousy 215.00 bucks for a damn divorce....
I geuss I came into this Mad World being Mad and I will go out that Way