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#61742 - 05/17/06 09:52 AM I started reading 'Victims No Longer' tonight.
swandive Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/12/06
Posts: 13
I ordered a few books off of amazon.com via Male Survivor yesterday, and the books arrived much sooner than I expected. (Since when did standard delivery get so speedy?!?) I was hoping to get them this weekend (while my b/f will be visiting family in NJ) but I really am glad they arrived significantly earlier.

I started reading Mike Lew's book first because I figured it would help to understand the victim recovery process a bit, before I move on to how to be there for my b/f along in the recovery process (especially since he isn't ready yet). I have to say I am really impressed with the book so far. I loved (if you can even use the term love when talking about a book with such content) the Acknowledgments and Introduction. I thought both were really well-written, positive/encouraging, and gentle. I think overall it was a really smooth transition into the first chapter, and just a really good way to prepare?! for what follows.
I was both taken back by and inspired by the first chapter, titled "Sexual Child Abuse: Myths and Realities." What I found to be most thought provoking was Mike Lew's definition of incest. I guess I always saw incest as strictly being an invasion of a child by a parent. Lew's concept of what incest encompasses really put into perspective the magnitude of guilt and harm to a child by anyone who betrays that child's trust and love. However, I think it will be along while before I really feel comfortable with the use of the term incest, and I think that's another one of Lew's points. We so isolate ourselves (as a society) from these actions, in that we can never talk about them in real ways. He really brought my attention to this fact in one of his 'focuses,' in which a survivor wrote about our common use of the terms pedophile and molest. I guess I didn't think about how much I danced around the realties of these words and their true meanings, in an attempt to make it more...pleasant? to talk about. This chapter definitely is testing my comfort within my vocabulary, and is certainly causing me to reevaluate societies treatment of these realities.

Oh, and something that could potentially be positive came out of the books arriving early. My b/f showed up (unexpectedly) a few minutes after I found the amazon box in my door. When he came into my bedroom I was on the computer and he sat on my bed next to the box. Of course the subject of it's content came up, and because I don't think it would be appropriate to lie to him, I told him that I had ordered some books online about victim recovery. And his response was much more calm than I had expected. He said (and I quote), "You should show them to me when the semester is over and I get back from New Jersey." Of course, he then insisted that we not talk about it until then, which I am more than willing to do, especially in light of his openness to the idea of reading the books.

I'd like to extend my sympathies to anyone who actually took the time to read this. I am sure many of you have already read Mike Lew's book, and didn't need my play by play summary, but I did.

_________________________
"Whats left to lose? You've done enough.
And if you fail then you fail but not to us,
'Cause these last three years, I know they have been hard,
But now it's time to get out of the desert and into the sun." ~ The Format, 'On Your Porch'

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#61743 - 05/17/06 01:37 PM Re: I started reading 'Victims No Longer' tonight.
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Swandive,

be careful reading that stuff, it can show stark reality to what survivors real world can be like.

You wonder why there is so much silence from victims, but then again, nobody can relate to how harsh life can become.

A good read is the inner child workbooks which are written by women, but they do have a very positive approach to their work.

The inner child workbook is also from amazon,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#61744 - 05/17/06 01:43 PM Re: I started reading 'Victims No Longer' tonight.
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
Swan,

Victims No More can be hard to read...I've been trying for a year and still only 4-5 chapters done.

Take your time with it. And try not to read it at night too much, I did that once and didn't sleep real well.

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

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#61745 - 05/17/06 02:46 PM Re: I started reading 'Victims No Longer' tonight.
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Swan,

I completely agree with you and know where you're coming from regarding your take on the beginning of the book. I've been reading it on and off for several weeks. I tend to jump around alot, depending on what's going on in our lives at the moment. It's very informative, but not in a text book, clinical kind of way. It's very real life.

I'm glad your b/f showed some interest and it's good that you're straight up with him. I do the same thing with my b/f. If he asks, I tell him; if he wants to say or hear more about the book, we talk. He takes the lead on that one.

ROCK ON..........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#61746 - 05/17/06 05:55 PM Re: I started reading 'Victims No Longer' tonight.
swandive Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/12/06
Posts: 13
Thanks for your advice, all. It's definitely not a book I will be ready daily, even weekly for that matter. My therapist specializes in working with victims of CSA, and she knows about this undertaking of mine. I will be leaning on her for advice and to help me sift through all this.
Trish, I think I will be using your approach with my b/f. If he asks to see the books again when he gets back from New Jersey, then I will show him, but not until it's what he wants for himself.

_________________________
"Whats left to lose? You've done enough.
And if you fail then you fail but not to us,
'Cause these last three years, I know they have been hard,
But now it's time to get out of the desert and into the sun." ~ The Format, 'On Your Porch'

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#61747 - 05/18/06 03:35 AM Re: I started reading 'Victims No Longer' tonight.
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16263
Gabrielle,

I so admire what you are doing to educate yourself about this issue. Having someone like you on his side will make it so much easier for your B/F to negotiate the ups and downs that await him. If only others would take the time to try and understand...

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#61748 - 05/18/06 06:16 AM Re: I started reading 'Victims No Longer' tonight.
swandive Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/12/06
Posts: 13
John, you made my night. Yesterday I read part of Mike Lew's book, and this afternoon I picked up 'Allies in Healing." I really must admit that after flipping through AiH I felt very much discouraged. Your response helps to remind me exactly why it's so important for me to try and understand. Thanks again.

Gabrielle

_________________________
"Whats left to lose? You've done enough.
And if you fail then you fail but not to us,
'Cause these last three years, I know they have been hard,
But now it's time to get out of the desert and into the sun." ~ The Format, 'On Your Porch'

Top
#61749 - 05/18/06 06:21 AM Re: I started reading 'Victims No Longer' tonight.
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16263
\:\) It's nice to be able to return just a little bit of what the people here have given me. Thanks

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#61750 - 05/18/06 09:10 PM Re: I started reading 'Victims No Longer' tonight.
TRACYUK Offline
Member

Registered: 09/23/05
Posts: 178
Gabrielle

I just wanted to wish so much luck and courage to your BF and you. I'm a partner of a survivor and once he started "healing" our worlds were thrown into chaos because he came a long way down before he started to come back back up again. It was bewildering and really really tough. Having said that nearly a year on I wouldnt swap our lives for anything and we have times of absolute happiness that I can honestly say we never knew before even though we thought we were OK.

I think you are doing absolutly the right thing reading the books, posting here and learning. I gather from your post (I think I got this right) that you are also seing a therapist. Good for you.

With this much willingness to learn and grow I think you have every chance of making it work. I hope he will be able to meet you half way sometime. Good luck to both of you.

Lots of love

Tracy


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#61751 - 05/19/06 12:05 AM Re: I started reading 'Victims No Longer' tonight.
swandive Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/12/06
Posts: 13
Thanks for the wish of luck, Tracy. I think I'll need it. While I am hopeful that (with time, effort, love, and consideration) my b/f will get through all this and will come out feeling better, but as for the time being, I'm just scared. I know that this must be dealt with in order for him to see himself as I see him, and in order for him to live the life he deserves. It's hard because I know he needs this, and all I want for him is that he feel confident and proud, but from everything I have been reading...idk...I just don't want to loose the man I love. And I know things will only get worse before they get better, but I am sooo afraid of how bad it could get for him. And I'm so afraid that while going through this he will change, and I will change, and we won't know each other anymore...we'll just know each other in relation to this process.

And I am soooooo mad this is stuff that we have to deal with. I so love who he is now and I HATE that he can’t seem to move forward. I hate that he has all these plans and dreams but can't seem to allow himself to succeed or feel the pride of success.

And I hate our life together is being interrupted by some asshole that will never have to own up to what he has done. I hate that he will probably never know about the mess he has made..and I hate that he can go on an have a job, a wife, kids, a life...and my b/f has to struggle (consciously and subconsciously) everyday. I hate that that man can go on and we are just stuck here. I am terrified that I have grown to love my b/f and things will happen during all this that will change him to much to love me, or will push him away from me. I just hate that we may never have the future we want, and not of our own doing.

And I hate that I can't stop crying and it comes out of nowhere. I was somewhat happy when I started this post. I really only meant to thank you, but I found that I had so much more to say. I have no clue where this came from.

I hope I don’t give the impression that I will not be loving and supportive of him throughout his journey, I’m just afraid it won’t be enough.

_________________________
"Whats left to lose? You've done enough.
And if you fail then you fail but not to us,
'Cause these last three years, I know they have been hard,
But now it's time to get out of the desert and into the sun." ~ The Format, 'On Your Porch'

Top
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