Hi Renee, you ask a great question. I've been struggling for months over whether or not my husband was abused. I don't want to project this on to him (I was abused as a child by my dad), but based on the past postings I've read, it seems the signs are there.
I finally found the 'voice' to tell my husband what I was thinking and I have given him Mike Lew's book (which is great), but he hasn't said anything to me explicitly. All he has said is that when he heard me say the word "abuse" a surge of energy went through him. So, all I can share is my patch-work of experiences, I'd be interested if you have shared any of these....
I think that the first sign was a decrease in our sexual activity (we've been married almost 9 years). I noticed it but he said he hadn't really realized that we were rarely 'together.' There was also the typical communication problems which all couples struggle with.... But the next issue that emerged related to our starting a family. He said he wanted to be a dad, but then we were only together two times a month. I was going nuts, I couldn't get the pieces to add up. He kept telling me he was stressed out from work, etc.
Then the big issue hit four months ago. It started after seeing a picture of him as a 14 year old, I noticed how incredible sad he looked in this 'happy' family photo. I mentioned this to him and then the gates opened. He told me he wasn't sure if he was meant to spend the rest of his life with a woman - that he felt very conflicted sexually - and that at that moment he felt very 'asexual.'
My life turned upside down. We had been seeing a counselor for the 'baby stuff,' so I called her in a panic. We both began seeing her (separately and together), but some issues with his career stepped in front of this (hard to believe, but true), so I really don't know where he is at - other than confused about us.
All I know is that after he told me this, I went on a rampage trying to find any and all information possible on conflicted male sexual identify, and all information has pointed to sexual abuse.
We have had some good days and stretches of time since then. In fact, we've been 'together' since he told me about his conflicted feelings, and when we talk about it, he tells me he wanted to be with me.
It is all extremely confusing. I might be wrong, but it's all I have right now.... I'm not sure if this helps. Mike Lew's book "Victims No Longer" is a great guide. Check it out and see if it helps.
Let me know what your experience has been, and hang in there. There are days I feel I am losing myself over all the ambiguity and lack of information. Ugh.