There is a lot of debate when it comes to defining what is "sexual abuse" and who should be labeled as "an abuser." Most experts in the field examine the difference in "power" between the two individuals involved. Some experts define in by using the age difference. I'm NOT an expert in this area. From what you have said, I offer the following:
1. Your son was sexually abused.
2. Your daughter was abused.
3. I would NOT label your son as an "abuser". He is a young child and was probably acting out because what happened to him. He didn't know any better. The label will also stay with him for life and can only hurt him.
4. For the same reason, I would be hesitant about labeling the child who abused your son as an "abuser". I would bet anything that he was sexually abused in his short life. A 4 or 5 year old child does not just come up with this stuff on his own. Something must have happened to him.
When we are talking about children that are this age, I believe we only have victims. Yes, someone did perpetrate the abuse but I can not see any advantage to labeling anyone as an "abuser" at this young age.
This is just my opinion.
I hope your family is able to get past this. By not using these "labels", I believe you are better able to move on.
[ 05-17-2001: Message edited by: Brian B14 ]