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#61681 - 08/26/04 09:08 PM broke promise, im bad
Anonymous
Unregistered


i told him of my medals today I just won, always wanted to be in Olypics, trained my WHOLE LIFE IN SPORT, I emailed him my picture of doing my sport and medal as I was so proud, this was a once in a lifetime event, wanted to share it while Olympics still on, he told me i broke my promise to leave him alone for 1 month, i was just soo excited to win, i feel like a failure. He told me he doesnt trust me, I asked him to understand that I will never win a medal like this again, my whole life to it and when on podium, he was the first person I wanted to run and tell when I won. Now my medal has caused him to hate me, distrust me, and I feel like the biggest failure in the world for working my life in sport, I never dreamed it would be like this. I hate my life, I hate myself, I hate my medals more than anything, I hate my medals so much, I wish I never won, I would rather have my best friend back over these damn medals. And if anyone wants to email me telling me I just want attention, my god, I am dying inside, so save the harsh emails for someone in a better emotional state, I need support, I am here for SUPPORT only, I get enough hell in my life living. I hate the olympics, I hate my medals, they mean nothing to him or anyone, I feel so alone and I am mad I let myself fall in love.


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#61682 - 08/26/04 09:10 PM Re: broke promise, im bad
Anonymous
Unregistered


anyways, I have 2 medals for grabs, anyone want a free medal mailed to them, they represent pain and failure of keeping a promise to me, I just was too excited I won I had to tell him, I thought he'd be proud. I really did.


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#61683 - 08/26/04 09:22 PM Re: broke promise, im bad
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Angelina,

Don't put down your own accomplishments. If he can't share it with you, that is his loss. You worked long and hard to earn what you got. It is yours. You got it, and it is forever yours.

He lost his chance to share in your joy of the moment. That is his loss, not yours.

You started working for this long ago. You earned it. Enjoy it.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#61684 - 08/26/04 10:06 PM Re: broke promise, im bad
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Angelina:
Only you know how hard you trained, how much you sacrificed to get where you went, etc. If he can't share or accept your accomplishments, then it is his problem. I'm sure you are getting plenty of accolades from fans, family, friends, media, etc.

Relish in that, for it is the reward of you efforts. Your bf is being selfish and petty. If he can't accept your accomplishments, it says more about him than you. Boyfriends come and go. Olympic medals are a phenomenal dream.

Ken


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#61685 - 08/26/04 11:32 PM Re: broke promise, im bad
yesac76 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/23/04
Posts: 508
Loc: Idaho
I will be blunt. Don't shit on your medals!! You had to work hard for them, and they are a great accomplishment! I am proud of you. I pray your friend will come around! I hope this does not offend you, as I would rather cut off my arms than hurt someone. But, it makes my heart sad to read someone dogging themselves so hard. I do not think you "just need attention." I think you simply need someone to tell that you are worhty of your medals. Never minimize your accomplishments. I used to, and I nearly did not make it this far in life. I wanted to take my life because I convinced myself that I had nothing to offer the world. It was not until I realised I DO have worth that I began to take the steps neccessary to move my life to the next level.

I hope this doesn't sound like a crock of B.S., for I mean what I have been sharing. You may not appreciate this, but CONGRATULATIONS on winning your medals. Please, keep them. They are symbolic, and can help to remind you that you are a strong, capable person.
Casey

_________________________
"You live it or lie it" Metallica

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#61686 - 08/27/04 12:25 AM Re: broke promise, im bad
Anonymous
Unregistered


he's so mad, as he asked for a month alone, and i promised it to him, i promised, but then when i won, i just had to tell him. i didnt go to his house or anything, i didnt get into an arguement about "US", I just emailed him to tell him and gave him quick call to tell him, and he said when he got postcard from me at my sporting event, he was mad and broke my promise. When I emailed my pic of winning, he ignored it and told me I was bothering him and not keeping my promise. I know he has TRUST issues, but I wanted so bad to tell him. Did I do the wrong thing, bad timing that with his 1 month promise of alone time, I win medals, and I feel its not fair of him to not understand that, but I did promise, but now he hates me I know. I feel dead inside., he know right now I feel dead towards my medals, he knows I am feeling that becuase I told him I won that I broke his promise, he knows now I sit suffering and sad with my medals, why cant he frickin just say one damn thing nice about it, I feel like such a failure for not keeping my 1 month promise, I hate this life.


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#61687 - 08/27/04 02:14 AM Re: broke promise, im bad
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
I am proud of you for winning your medals. They are a well deserved trophy for a great accomplishment that came from hard work. You should be proud of them, and yourself.

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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#61688 - 08/27/04 05:36 AM Re: broke promise, im bad
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I know that you wanted to share something exciting with him. But he is obviously more focused on the time alone. That is his choice, his decision.

I understand the extent of your happiness and pride in doing well. I also trained my whole life in a sport, one I am fortunate enough to coach now. And I was fortunate enough to have varying degrees of success with it. But because of the DID, because of the abuse, not only do I not have fond memories of some events, I have NO memories of some events. It is hard. It is a big thing, the achievements at certain levels of sports, arts, anything. And much of that is still lost to me, as the memories of them are not there.

I hope you can find pride within yourself. Because really, we must be comfortable and feel good of ourselves first. You deserve to feel good, accomplished, and proud. And for what it matters, I am sure there are more people proud of you then not excited about it.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#61689 - 08/27/04 07:32 AM Re: broke promise, im bad
FastForward Offline
Member

Registered: 08/10/04
Posts: 188
Loc: US
Hi - You have done well! I am sorry the person you most wanted to share it with you cannot, or will not, right now. In a way the feelings he has created in you may be a replica of how he feels - a failure. I do not know. But you cannot live your life based only on how others feel. You will lose yourself, if you do. Take care ab=nd CONGRATULATIONS!!!

_________________________
FastForward

L&P - always.

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#61690 - 08/27/04 11:23 AM Re: broke promise, im bad
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Angelina,

Please DON'T PUT DOWN YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS! What you have done is the pinnacle of a career. NNot many people have what you have, they will NEVER even SEE the inside of an Olympic stadium, except as a viewer. YOU are an amazing thing.

Yes, you were excited and contacted him. You had EVERY RIGHT to be excited. You made an error. It wasn't a malicious one, so it's understandable. This man, this "person," represents all that is wrong in recovery. Yes, he may be early in it, but he refuses to see that there are other people who matter and he has NO RIGHT, ABSOLUTELY NONE, to lash out and hurt you or anyone else.

I'm glad to see you back here. I'm sorry that this person hurt you at a time when you are triumphant. Perhaps his own self-worth was hurt by this. No matter, there is no justification or excuse.

Angelina, you need to look after YOURSELF right now. no matte what you feel for this person, he needs to get beyond his own selfish needs and you need to heal yourself. You need to love yourself, because this is what really matters. If we don't love ourselves, who else will love us? Who else will take care of us?

Be gentle on yourself, sister. Care about yourself. You are a good, fine person who has made an amazing achievement, something that some of us will give our right arms for. You have it. Be PROUD of this, and yourself.

My offer still stands. If you need to vent, or just someone to "talk" to, PM me.

Peace and love,

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#61691 - 08/27/04 12:24 PM Re: broke promise, im bad
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Quote:
Originally posted by Angelina:
I hate the olympics, I hate my medals, they mean nothing to him or anyone, I feel so alone and I am mad I let myself fall in love.
Why are you continually allowing yourself to be judged by this guy? It saddens me that it seems that your accomplishments mean nothing to you if HE does not validate them.

It seriously appears to me that you desperately need a lot of external validation by this guy.. no wonder it hurts you so much when he's gone.

You need to claim or reclaim your ability to validate YOURSELF.... There's all kinds of people out there who will say or do things that both de-validate and validate others. The best antidote to that is NOT to obsess over having someone else to "protect you" but rather, arm yourself from the inside and protect yourself.

Imagine positive energy coming OUT of you, not feeling like that you NEED it to come from others INTO you. And for those times when you are down and out and absolutely NEED it from outside, if you have any scrap of spirituality, why not turn to your "higher power" and get that energy from there?

Remember - your ex is already freaked out by your relationship and he has made it VERY clear he does not want to see you. Its a crappy situation to be in but what other choice do you have but to stay away from him and move on?

I guess another question is WHY do you WANT to be with a guy who treats you so badly? I would suspect that deep down inside, whether it is conscious or not, you believe that you dont deserve any better.. and you realy have to examine that.. because its a very dangerous mental space to be in.

Remember trying to force him to love you and want you and want to be with you will backfire - I guarantee 100% that nobody can force anyone to love someone.. ok for awhile someone can but eventually that person will leave. And begging someone to loveyou is probably one of the most self-degrading things that one can do to themselves. I should know - I've done it a few times with guys who treated me like this guy is treating you.. I totally blew my dignity in the process, felt really ashamed and embarassed. EEks.

Just FYI - MANY people, partners or not, SA survivor or not, will eventually start to feel tired out by people who need a lot of validation.. at that point you wind up creating the situation you very much wanted to avoid - being alone.

Its a painful, tiring existence to need so much external validation.... I have been there.. I have been the one who was so much in pain, so insecure, so hurting, and I will wholeheartedly agree with you that life does suck BAD when you dont have any means to be happy with yourself for YOURSELF and you are always needing that external validation. During the time in my life where I needed that validation to literally feel I could SURVIVE I spent a lot of time trying to control others to be sure they were "there" for me when I needed my "fix" of validation.. I obsessed about keeping them in my life, I was paralyzed at the thought of them leaving me, etc. to the point where the people simply had enough of my insecurity and control and they DID leave me. I was the architect in creating the very situation that I feared most.

You are putting yourself in a very dangerous position by allowing him so much power over your self and self worth. That you need his validation so much that you continue to open yourself up to his abuse is very very dangerous. Its the same situation that many abuse survivors, for a whole variety of reasons were in before they themselves were abused in a really awful, horrible way. If you are not careful your situation could very well escalate from verbal abuse to something much worse. You are putting yourself in a very dangerous mental situation by not starting to learn how to validate your own needs. Continually needing someone else to do that for you just puts you in such a vulnerable, precarious postion where people can take advantage of you. Dont let yourslef be so love and self esteem starved that you will allow ANYTHING to be done to you in order to get your "fix". YOu could REALLY get hurt, much worse than you already are.

The key to recovering from this is both mental - (start to tell yourself that you deserve better. that you DO have worth, that you ARE worthy of better) and also start "behaving your way to success" (as Dr. phil says it) - stay away from situations and people who are NOT healthy - who tear you down, who wear you out. And if you cant do this on your own, then you need to get help from a professional.

We can only go so far on here to help you. The rest is up to you in your own real, not-online life.

P


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