Originally posted by Angelina:
I hate the olympics, I hate my medals, they mean nothing to him or anyone, I feel so alone and I am mad I let myself fall in love.
Why are you continually allowing yourself to be judged by this guy? It saddens me that it seems that your accomplishments mean nothing to you if HE does not validate them.
It seriously appears to me that you desperately need a lot of external validation by this guy.. no wonder it hurts you so much when he's gone.
You need to claim or reclaim your ability to validate YOURSELF.... There's all kinds of people out there who will say or do things that both de-validate and validate others. The best antidote to that is NOT to obsess over having someone else to "protect you" but rather, arm yourself from the inside and protect yourself.
Imagine positive energy coming OUT of you, not feeling like that you NEED it to come from others INTO you. And for those times when you are down and out and absolutely NEED it from outside, if you have any scrap of spirituality, why not turn to your "higher power" and get that energy from there?
Remember - your ex is already freaked out by your relationship and he has made it VERY clear he does not want to see you. Its a crappy situation to be in but what other choice do you have but to stay away from him and move on?
I guess another question is WHY do you WANT to be with a guy who treats you so badly? I would suspect that deep down inside, whether it is conscious or not, you believe that you dont deserve any better.. and you realy have to examine that.. because its a very dangerous mental space to be in.
Remember trying to force him to love you and want you and want to be with you will backfire - I guarantee 100% that nobody can force anyone to love someone.. ok for awhile someone can but eventually that person will leave. And begging someone to loveyou is probably one of the most self-degrading things that one can do to themselves. I should know - I've done it a few times with guys who treated me like this guy is treating you.. I totally blew my dignity in the process, felt really ashamed and embarassed. EEks.
Just FYI - MANY people, partners or not, SA survivor or not, will eventually start to feel tired out by people who need a lot of validation.. at that point you wind up creating the situation you very much wanted to avoid - being alone.
Its a painful, tiring existence to need so much external validation.... I have been there.. I have been the one who was so much in pain, so insecure, so hurting, and I will wholeheartedly agree with you that life does suck BAD when you dont have any means to be happy with yourself for YOURSELF and you are always needing that external validation. During the time in my life where I needed that validation to literally feel I could SURVIVE I spent a lot of time trying to control others to be sure they were "there" for me when I needed my "fix" of validation.. I obsessed about keeping them in my life, I was paralyzed at the thought of them leaving me, etc. to the point where the people simply had enough of my insecurity and control and they DID leave me. I was the architect in creating the very situation that I feared most.
You are putting yourself in a very dangerous position by allowing him so much power over your self and self worth. That you need his validation so much that you continue to open yourself up to his abuse is very very dangerous. Its the same situation that many abuse survivors, for a whole variety of reasons were in before they themselves were abused in a really awful, horrible way. If you are not careful your situation could very well escalate from verbal abuse to something much worse. You are putting yourself in a very dangerous mental situation by not starting to learn how to validate your own needs. Continually needing someone else to do that for you just puts you in such a vulnerable, precarious postion where people can take advantage of you. Dont let yourslef be so love and self esteem starved that you will allow ANYTHING to be done to you in order to get your "fix". YOu could REALLY get hurt, much worse than you already are.
The key to recovering from this is both mental - (start to tell yourself that you deserve better. that you DO have worth, that you ARE worthy of better) and also start "behaving your way to success" (as Dr. phil says it) - stay away from situations and people who are NOT healthy - who tear you down, who wear you out. And if you cant do this on your own, then you need to get help from a professional.
We can only go so far on here to help you. The rest is up to you in your own real, not-online life.