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#61662 - 05/10/06 05:58 PM Help 4 Hubby & me...
yoga_mom Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/10/06
Posts: 2
Hello,
This is my first time here and I am looking for help with my husband. Although, I was also sexually abused by my uncle’s friend at age 4, I have been to therapy and worked through it, for the most part. This is about my husband. Sorry about the long winded story but I know how long, when, and how it was handled play a large role in healing.

So here goes his story, at least what I know, which is from my husband's aunt, the one who exposed the molester, her father.

My husband is the youngest of 4 children. One brother, the oldest, followed by 2 sisters. They were all molested by their paternal grandfather, Chester the molester. Really his name was Chester. He died a few years ago.

The molesting went on for as long as they can remember. No one did anything or reported it to the police. One day when my husband was around 9 I think and after many years of being molested and never uttering a word, my husband was in the basement and heard the youngest sister (11 yrs old) calling him in a scared voice. They all had an unspoken rule, NEVER BE ALONE WITH GRANDPA! My husband darted up the stairs and he and his sister left. They finally told their mother that night. She asked Grandpa about it and he said he was talking to her about smoking or something ridiculous. They didn't tell their mother about all the abuse just that one time. Grandpa left and never came back to work on the house anymore, which was his excuse for being there all the time. But, he did come around still just not as often.

Now, that was the end of it until my husbands aunt (18 yrs) came to the family and asked my husband and his siblings about it. She was shocked when she heard it was everyone of them., She then told them it had been happening to her for her whole life. They discussed it with the parents and guess what nothing happen. My husband's father didn't confront him, threaten to kill him.......NOTHING!

The aunt says she remembers it happening to my husbands father as well but he still won't acknowledge anything. They all shut down.

Although, the aunt did confront him alone and told him he would never lay a hand on any of them again.
From what she says he felt as if he was entitled to it. They all belonged to him and "he was only teaching them about sex".

The few things my husband has said is, he only remembers one time that he was little and grandpa was touching him in the basement. He was around 6. The only other thing he will say is the story about his sister yelling for her and he wishes he could have saved them. Now, from my husband's symptoms, complete emotional shut down, lack of emotion, no boundaries-allows everyone to walk all over him, excessive alcohol & drug use as a teen, poor self-esteem, flashbacks and much more, this did not happen just once.

Also, when my husband was an older teen he had pin up girl posters on the wall in his room and grandpa came in and said oh that one reminds me of your sister....Bastard!

From the aunt, apparently he never penetrated but a lot of kissing with the girls, looking & touching them all, showing them his penis and from my brother in law, grandpa would give him oral sex. The oldest sister got it the worst. He would get in the shower with them everyday. This happen EVERYDAY! My brother in law is 40 and still doesn't shower much.......maybe once a week. Thanks goodness my husband isn't like that. Poor guy.

Grandpa came to holidays like nothing happen. When I met Grandpa the first time it was Thanksgivi9ng at my husband's mother's house and I knew nothing at this point, my husband and I were only dating a short period of time. As a matter of fact, I didn't find out for several more years when the aunt came to visit. The aunt married a military man and moved all over the world for years.

They all talked to him like nothing, everyone smiled and I never knew a thing until Grandpa was looking at my shirt which had some writing on it from a Melissa Ethridge concert and asked my what it said.....now my husband is very quite and doesn't say much, everything rolls off his back, Says, DON"T LOOK AT HER! Loudly and aggressively, I was shocked. Later I asked him and he said oh he's just an old pervert and that was the end of it.

Ok anyway why I am here is because my husband and I are madly in love with each other after 12 yrs but he can't open him self up. He still doesn't trust me. I don't push but I feel very lonely because he doesn't express him self. He can't truly share himself with me. Oh we have fantastic sex and always have but he never discusses the flashbacks or anything. I figured them out because once I asked him what he thinks about during sex, like his fantasies, etc and he said I can only think about the feeling or I'll think about grandpa.

Last night, I told my husband I understand why it is so hard for him to be intimate that I finally did more research and read what everyone was saying. He smiled and said I want to be open I just can't. He said he just 'fades to black' when we discuss it.

The bottom line is the more he realizes he must heal to truly be with me, he pushes us (his family) away, quietly & gently. He has lots of work and then golf or fishing. Which I love he has a great work ethic and hobbies but he can never find the balance.

And my biggest complaint would be the passive-aggressive behavior. If I piss him off he won't say it and then the next day come home late and/or drunk.

Any advice? Please email me.

Many blessings,
Kim


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#61663 - 05/10/06 08:27 PM Re: Help 4 Hubby & me...
Curtis St. John Offline
Past President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/20/04
Posts: 1796
Loc: Westchester, N.Y.
First off I would say that everything you and your husband are experiencing is perfectly normal. Does he know about the discussion board here at MaleSurvivor? I think it would help if he saw he is not alone.

He should also find a therapist and there is a good article on here about finding one that can do the job… A Consumers Guide To Therapist Shopping by Ken Singer, LCSW

If you push him too hard however, he may resist getting help. Recovery takes its own sweet time; my wife once yelled at me, “You’ve been working on this for over a year now! Why aren’t you better yet?” We laugh about it now because we didn’t know better then.

It sounds as though you two have a solid foundation in your relationship and that is very important, and the bonus is if you stick it out and he really decides to work actively on his recovery…eventually he will be even better then the person you fell in love with in the first place.

Hope that helps.

Good luck!


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#61664 - 05/11/06 12:06 AM Re: Help 4 Hubby & me...
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Kim,

Adding to what Curtis has suggested, I would just stress how important coming here could be for your husband. Discovering that you're not alone is such an amazing first step, and there are many more that follow.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#61665 - 05/11/06 12:22 AM Re: Help 4 Hubby & me...
yoga_mom Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/10/06
Posts: 2
could you direct me to a survior story my husband can relate to and hopefully that will get him here?

And thank you both for your support. Knowing we are struggling like so many others, gives me hope for his healing.


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#61666 - 05/11/06 12:48 AM Re: Help 4 Hubby & me...
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Yoga_mom

Hi and welcome. Your husband's story is pretty brutal and I can only imagine that what makes it worse is that it seems almost everyone in his family shares the same nightmare but doesn't talk about it. That must make get-togethers a living hell inside of everyone's mind.

I don't know of a particular survivor story here that fits your husband's story, although I have no doubt that it exists. Sadly, almost every scenario of abuse does.

May I suggest a fabulous book, that was suggested to me by some of the folks here? It's called Victims No Longer-Men recovering from incest and other sexual child abuse; it was written by Mike Lew. My own therapist gave me her copy for a few weeks and I've just received my own from Amazon. This book has helped me to understand so much and I hope to introduce my b/f to it sooner rather than later; he's just not ready for it now, although we've talked a little about it.

To echo Curtis's words, it sounds like you two have a very solid foundation which you will desperately need to walk through this minefield.

Keep coming here; it's a very healthy place.

ROCK ON..........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#61667 - 05/11/06 02:06 AM Re: Help 4 Hubby & me...
Curtis St. John Offline
Past President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/20/04
Posts: 1796
Loc: Westchester, N.Y.
Anyone should feel free to check out my story. Over the past few years I've posted survivor stories in installments that really show different stages of progression...

This first installment was back when I was a regular member with the screen name Roland. I had testified in court and although I had done a lot of work you can tell there is still an undercurrent of sadness.

The second one was about six months after my first Weekend of Recovery with MaleSurvivor and I was off the wall excited about the new me.

The latest is just from last April 20th and talks about how things have swung to the middle.

I hope my story helps, I've always kind of thought that if I could make it through just about anybody can. Anyone should feel free to ask any questions either here or in a private message, if I can help I will.

Good luck.


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