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#61624 - 05/13/06 01:38 AM Re: Your input will be appreciated
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Have you ever seen "That 70's Show"? One episode several years ago centered around the gas crisis in the 70's. I was watching it with my daughter and laughing my butt off as was she, but then she turned to me and said, "yeah right, like that would ever happen!" As I fell of the couch in hysterics, I told her it DID happen and proceeded to tell her stories of sitting with my friends in line in Mrs. McGraw's big ole station wagon for 2 hours waiting to get gas so she could take us somewhere. She didn't buy a word of it...........but it was all true!

Mmmmmm, guess that story gets me kicked out of the sand box. \:D

ROCK ON......Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#61625 - 05/13/06 11:14 PM Re: Your input will be appreciated
clemente Offline
Member

Registered: 03/15/06
Posts: 32
Loc: Eastern US
Aw, we watched that show's almost finale the other evening. I guess the GRAND finale will be next week, but this one had all sorts of clips from over the years. My kids always had trouble believing some of the stuff on that show and for me it was like TIME TRAVEL!

_________________________
Clemente

"Time is the currency of love..."

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#61626 - 05/20/06 05:03 AM Re: Your input will be appreciated
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Hi John,

I am coming a bit late to this post, but my boyfriend and I have been living together and raising our children since BELOW the age of 20 and we have had our ups and downs but as far as I can tell, so has every other couple who's been together for nearly ten years. And we seem to be rolling along with the best of them at the moment.

It can work. Honestly, we went wrong more than once, taking some dubious "support" and advice from older adults in our lives, because it was easy to buy into the idea that they knew better than us. We could have stood to do things our own way a bit more.

Especially if she suspects abuse from within the family, I would say that what she needs to be most concerned about is a willingness in her boyfriend to stand up for himself as a grown man, and take on his own responsibilities, while still respecting his role in the family as a young adult (maybe still a dependent? I don't know). Does he maintain his own finances? Take care of his own car or other property? Make his own doctor's appointments etc... or do his parents continue to manage those areas of his life? Does he have anger or resentment about their demands on his time, or does he avoid them? If he lives out of the home, do they expect him to continue behaving like he lives there? For example, my mother in law left my boyfriend's name on the answering machine for about a year after we moved out, even after she changed the outgoing message, was very upset when he changed his legal address, and expected him to come over at least once or twice a week to do household tasks that others living at home could have done.

I would give this advice to anyone marrying young-- for us, these issues were related to his CSA stuff but I don't know that they have to be, and they were a huge part of our troubles early on. You can make it work, but you can't be a child and a husband at the same time.


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#61627 - 05/20/06 07:09 AM Re: Your input will be appreciated
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Thanks SAR,

I've passed it on to the questioners. They've been quite appreciative of the input given by all of you.

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#61628 - 05/20/06 05:38 PM Re: Your input will be appreciated
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
I was married two days after my 21st birthday, and somehow we're still married. But we've had some hard times.

Most of those we can now attribute to my response to my abuse over the years, isn't hindsight a wonderful thing eh ?

I would say that she needs to know - even a simple "yes or no" to the question "were you abused?"

If that scares him off then he ain't ready, if it triggers him, then THEY BOTH have to make decisions - sooner rather than later might just be better?

Just having unanswered suspicions will make the relationship difficult, so will a bit more difficulty be too much? If it is then other questions need asking I think.

Tough call, but then marriage can be tough as well.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#61629 - 05/20/06 06:21 PM Re: Your input will be appreciated
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Dave,

As usual I like your perspective on this one. Independent adult life can get very tough indeed, and sharing it all with a partner requires real maturity and hard work. If the guy cannot answer the question "Were you abused" when it comes from the girl he plans to marry, then that raises all sorts of troubling problems. When will he deal with this? Is past abuse affecting how he behaves now? How will it impact upon him when he has children of his own? And so on.

So yes, it is a question that needs to be addressed, and the sooner the better. The woman in his life DOES need this information.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#61630 - 05/21/06 12:03 AM Re: Your input will be appreciated
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Sometimes I think people can walk on egg shells far too much when it comes to OTHER peoples abuse problems, and we as survivors can easily accept that situation. The truth is it can often be the easy ( lazy ) option for many of us on both sides.

I know that we can be triggered, I know that we must be the ones to deal with our shit, and that those that love and care for us want to do it in the best possible way, that's a given.

But we can be triggered by a news item on TV or in the paper, a smell or a sound can do it. And we deal with that trigger as it arises.
So is it any different if someone asks us an outright question, even if it's one we don't want to hear or answer? We still get triggered......

I don't think asking 'us' questions is so bad, as long as they're asked for the right reasons, and I think that this young lady in question has not only the right reasons, but a right to ask if she loves the guy and expects to marry him.

As for his 'feelings' - then I think he has a responsibility to provide some kind of answer, and then they can deal with his feelings together or not, but they stand a chance of making a decision and maybe taking some actions together, something that couples should be prepared to do.

It could quite possibly lead to the relationship ending, or it could be a catalyst, who can tell?
How many of us have lived lives in the shadow of doubts and suspicions? far too many of us as our partners wondered what the hell was wrong with us.

I just wanted someone to ask me what was wrong, that was a part of my risk taking when acting out for a start, I now believe I WANTED to get caught so someone would ask "why?"
And it's far better done sooner rather than later, and more importantly under conditions where any possible fallout can be dealt with properly and effectively.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#61631 - 05/21/06 08:20 AM Re: Your input will be appreciated
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Dave and Larry,

Thanks for the input. I think there is a really important point made that if she is serious about this guy, she needs to lay it on the line with him at some point. Not in a confrontational way, but in a way that says. I need to know this before we can move on, lets talk about it.

I've passed your comments on to her, and got a reply back expressing her sincere appreciation for the input. She says it's the best advise she's gotten.

Thanks again.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#61632 - 05/21/06 04:09 PM Re: Your input will be appreciated
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
John,

In fact I think it's crucial that she avoid a confrontation of the type: "If you do/don't do A, I will/won't do B." That throws an accusing gauntlet down and doesn't suggest anything like working together to find a solution.

Something like this would be better: "If you are an abuse survivor, then you have to understand that, though I love you very much, I need to know whether you are prepared to take the problem seriously and do whatever is required to make our marriage a secure one. That begins with talking to me about what happened. Not the details, just the bare framework will do for now. This is part of the communication that a marriage needs to survive."

But it works two ways. SHE has to be prepared to hear things that she may never have thought could be done to a child, and to understand the devastating effects that this can have on a young man later on.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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