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#61614 - 05/10/06 06:03 AM Your input will be appreciated
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16263
Friends,

I received an email today from a family friend who knows I am a male survivor of childhood sexual abuse. She has a lovely 20 year-old daughter who, out of the blue, asked the following questions of her. I asked for and received her permission to present those questions to "some friends of mine", and solicit your responses to pass on to her daughter.

So, here goes...
Quote:
If I am considering marrying a guy who might (but I don't know) have been sexually abused...what do I need to consider? In other words, how do I act, explore, support, decide? What warning signs would I look for that indicate an unhealthy enough way of dealing with it so as to affect the marriage beyond the ability to work through either the issue or the marriage? In other words, what are some signs that might indicate that he cannot and will not ever be able to have a healthy marriage?
There it is. I have already presented my own thoughts to those asking, and am looking forward to the collective wisdom of my friends here.

In the interest of keeping the site safe, I have left with her the impression that I am seeking advise from a support group I am a member of, and leaving no impression that this support group is web based. I will only use quotes excerpted from your posts and not any identifiable information regarding the post-er such as user name, etc.

Thanks in advance for your help.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#61615 - 05/10/06 06:35 AM Re: Your input will be appreciated
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
my advice would be to find out if he has been abused ,how you would do that is another question ,just comming out and asking might not be the best way ,untill you know it is hard to say what you should do .one thing to consider is he may well not want to talk about it ,it has to be up to him . asking a survivor out of the blue if he was abused could be major trigger for some of us,in my case i always thought people could tell just by looking at me ,so someone asking me that without warning would make me feel that it must be true people can tell . my advice is try to get him to open up but very gently ,also i would have to ask what made you think he might be a suurvivor ? from my experience survivors of abuse are great people with great strenghts ,in fact they are without question more caring and compassionate than so called normal people .

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#61616 - 05/10/06 09:49 AM Re: Your input will be appreciated
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
John,

I think the first order of business is this. She needs to know that if she has doubts on any issues at all, abuse or other things, she should deal with these things before she marries the guy. I know that's easy to say, but I'm not sure how she will deal with this in practical terms.

For example, he may show all the signs of having been abused, but he may be in denial. If he is, he may think there is nothing to talk about and of course will say so. Then what does she do?

Perhaps what she needs to ask herself how important this guy is in her life and how she will feel if suddenly he "discovers" that he has been abused and proceeds to fall apart emotionally - and for a long time.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#61617 - 05/11/06 01:21 AM Re: Your input will be appreciated
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
John,

That's so hard to answer.

First, I agree with Larry that any doubts about ANYthing should be cleared up before consideration of marriage.

Second, if my daughter came to me at 20 thinking about marriage to the best, richest guy in the world, I would beg her to wait for at least a few years. We are completely different people between the ages of 20 and 30.

Third, if she really believes that he was abused it may be that he showing some kind of behavior that she is not happy with; she wants it to be fixed but he won't or can't do that right now. Further, it sounds like she's looking for a guarantee that he will deal with whatever his issue is and they will live happily every after. No such guarantee exists, but when you're 20, you believe it does which goes back to why I would beg my daughter to wait.

I got married at 21; that was 22 years ago and even then, 21 was too young. I had a child at 24 and got divorced at 25. By then, I was as far away from the 20 year old who was jumping around ‘cause someone had put a teeny tiny diamond on my finger as the sun and the moon.

That all being said, what if any of your wives had known you were abused and that they would be dealing with it for so much of their married life before you had even acknowledged a need to deal yourself? The marriage may not have happened at all if the "what ifs" had been answered.

Ok, so I’m a bit contradictory........The bottom line for me is - 20 is too young and if she’s asking questions even before there’s an engagement ring on her finger, then she’s not ready.

I don’t envy the position your friend is in.

ROCK ON...........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#61618 - 05/11/06 12:48 PM Re: Your input will be appreciated
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Trish,

Quote:
Second, if my daughter came to me at 20 thinking about marriage to the best, richest guy in the world, I would beg her to wait for at least a few years. We are completely different people between the ages of 20 and 30.
I so agree with this. If my son (22 next week) or daughter (18) told me they wanted to get married, I would have serious reservations.

Society tells us that at 18 we are "adults". Okay, old enough to make decisions like drinking, electing leaders, driving and so on. But choosing a partner for life?. I'm not sure.

It used to be that society helped out with this by defining male and female roles for us. A wife should be at home tending to kids and dealing with the home, while the husband was expected to be the provider, builder, fix-it man, and so on. Now, of course, all that has changed. Roles in a relationship pretty much depend on the two partners making the huge effort of finding their own way through largely uncharted territory. These days I would say 20 is too early, though I know many will marry at that age or earlier anyway and many of those relationships will thrive.

I also think the pressures and demands made on a 20-year-old are far more severe than they were decades ago. So far as I can see, the world calls on us now for a lot of time and energy that in the past would have gone to our partners. How to work through all that is something that comes only with experience, I think. I did not get married until I was 30, and even then I felt I was rather challenged in terms of maturity. But perhaps that was just me.

I'm not saying that young people can't function as adults and achieve great things. Of course they can. I just think finding and KEEPING a partner is a lot tougher these days and calls for a maturity and commitment that we are just starting to develop in our early 20s.

I would probably tell my two to try living together for a few years with their bf or gf and see how it goes. Try out the real world of bills, pressures, work schedules and home commitments and responsibilities, and see how different it is from the world of dating and newly discovered romance.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#61619 - 05/12/06 02:47 AM Re: Your input will be appreciated
Born to Resist Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/30/05
Posts: 269
Loc: Southern California, USA
John,

A lot of depends for your question and more questions for the situation. Mainly how long have they being going out. Even if they have been going out for a long time ... simply put they should wait at least until she's 25 to get married. 20 seems so young to be seriously thinking about marriage ... especially with the high divorce rate for people getting married so young. From this basis it would give her more time to get to know her boyfriend and find out more information about his potential abuse. Additionally give them more time to work through what seems to be apparent issues to her already.

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality


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#61620 - 05/12/06 08:36 AM Re: Your input will be appreciated
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16263
Thanks everyone for your responses. I've sent your replies on to my friend, and she in turn has sent them on to her daughter. I've heard back from them.

They are both very appreciative to the responses and concerns you expressed. The daughter told her mother that it was her express purpose to ask people in the older generation who have life experience about this issue. She further stated that in her mind it was not too useful for a 20 year-old to go asking her 20 year-old friends for advise in this matter. If she couldn't figure out an answer why would her friends be able to do any better? A pretty mature perspective for a 20 year-old, don't you think?

The only remaining question will be what she does with what we've shared with her.

Again, my thanks to each of you.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#61621 - 05/12/06 02:15 PM Re: Your input will be appreciated
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Jeez, I really hate being the older generation \:D I agree that her perspective and willingness to listen to us older folks is a very mature thing to do.

I'm going to go play in my sandbox now, maybe my youth is buried in there somewhere :p .

ROCK ON.......Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#61622 - 05/12/06 06:29 PM Re: Your input will be appreciated
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16263
Trish,

I found mine there! a bit tattered and bruised, but it was there!!! LOL

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#61623 - 05/12/06 08:13 PM Re: Your input will be appreciated
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
"Older generation": My kids have asked me things like the following:

1. Is it really true you had no Internet when you were a kid?

2. Was there really no color TV when you were my age?

3. How did you figure out what to do if you didn't have mobile phones?

4. Dad, how do I use this? (referring to a rotary dial phone).

5. Did you really get spanked when you were a kid?

6. What's polio?

7. Why doesn't Grandpa want to talk about when he was in the Navy?

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
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