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#6159 - 09/18/02 12:03 AM Need some support- wife leaving
Craig L Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/17/02
Posts: 1
Loc: Beaverton, Oregon
This is my first time posting. I posted some poetry a year or so ago. Now things are catching up. I am a survivor of abuse. It first happened 30 years ago. My wife was the only person I ever told about the abuse. I had only touched the surface.
Over the summer I was diagnosed with adult ADD. When visiting my therapist for coaching on the ADD, we told a tangent into my feelings. he wondered why I did not have any...well we all know why we don't have feelings.
I opened up! For the first time in 30 years I have opened up to others on what happened when I was 12.
Now the bad news, my wife is leaving me. The one person I trust. The only person i gave my love to. I could never love after being abused. Until I met her. Now she is gone! Why, because i control, I have anger issues (never hit her) and simply the emotional baggage we all as survivors carry.
What do I do? It has come to the point that I do want to kill myself over losing her.
I have so much hurt coming from within me right now. I did not need this too!
If there are any sugestions, please help!
Craig


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#6160 - 09/18/02 12:38 AM Re: Need some support- wife leaving
Redsongbird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/01
Posts: 209
Craig,

I am sorry to see what is going on in your life at this time. I know how it feels I have ben there. My first marriage did not make it because I had so much to deal with. This trust that you gave her don't let it die. I never thought I would trust anyone either but in time I did meet someone and her and I are making it work..we talk quite a bit. What I did during all that was just take it a minute at a time if necessary. Sometimes my goal was to just make it five mins, then ten etc eventually it got better. I also know that I did not want anyone telling me it would get better when I felt SO bad. Take care of yourself that what you need to do at this moment. You are worth more than giving up and taking your life. Just breathe..thats all you have to do for right now.

Terry


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#6161 - 09/18/02 12:42 AM Re: Need some support- wife leaving
RickL Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/02
Posts: 84
Loc: Oregon
Craig--
You are not alone (although I know it must feel that way!) My marriage crumbled 5 years ago and I'm so much clearer that these abuse issues are the main culprit.
Welcome to the site. I notice you live in Beaverton. I live in Bend, and just returned from the NOMSV retreat in New York, which far exceeded my expectations--incredible. Consider attending the next one, which I believe will be in Illinois next April. Also--in Portland there is a 12-step meeting of SIA--Survivors of Incest Anonymous. It meets Sunday mornings, I believe at 10:30, at the Alano club on NW 24th. I have gone to a few of the meetings there (when I can get over to Portland). Very helpful and supportive. You'll also find sympathy in the chat room here. Again, welcome, and please know that you are not alone!


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#6162 - 09/18/02 09:38 PM Re: Need some support- wife leaving
orodo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/02
Posts: 735
Loc: Imladris, The Safe Haven of Ar...
Brother Craig:

I know your pain. My wife keeps threatening to leave, telling me to leave, that she's sick of me, my cigars, my diet, the way i leave the seat up in the toilet, she hates my car, she hates my job, she hates the way i parent our boys, she hates how i can't read her mind, she hates my "woe is me" attitude, she hates my emotional ups and downs, and she hates it that I don't know how to show her "that I really do love her". Ahem, well, that doesn't leave much for her to love about me. And I've decided that's her problem. I am working on healing for me, not for her. If she can't handle it, then it's not my fault. My wife will be stronger some day. I need to be here, present, and go forward, for me, and for my 3 boys. To abandon them would be the greatest victory for my perps. Not only would he have destroyed my life, but quite possibly ruined three others. I WON'T LET HIM OR ANYONE ELSE DO THAT TO ME. Even my wife. If she needs me to go, I will. But she will need to "get over it" too. I am not guilty of having done anything wrong. And yes, she did not sign up for this garbage when we were married. However, I vowed and promised to be there for her "for better or worse, in sickness and in health, richer or poorer, till death do us part" And I have been there as best as I can. When is it my turn? Is it not a two way ? Give and take? I need to take right about now, but she claims she can't give anymore. Maybe one day my wife will realize that the only person she hurts by not helping me is herself and our kids.

_________________________
It is better to be Dragon Master than Dragon Slayer. Some Dragons are meant to be mastered, others meant to be slain. Odin, Great Spirit, God, grant me the wisdom to know the difference. "May the Valar guide and bless you on your path under the sky"

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#6163 - 09/19/02 10:52 AM Re: Need some support- wife leaving
ARW Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/02
Posts: 161
Loc: LA
orodo, I've faced similar problems with my wife. The resentmen, the "I didn't sign up for this" bit. I understand their frustration and anger, but I liken it to a disease or physical injury. If you got hit by a car and lost use of your legs, would they say that then? I didn't sign up for this? I think comparing abuse to a physical injury or sickness is pretty effective because the truth is that you didn't see the extent of this injury sneaking up on you - and you didn't bring it upon yourself.
For Sickness and Health in the vows means what it means. Right now your mental health has suffered a major trauma or injury - and that injury has produced a certain amount of disease. If she sees you're doing your best to work on it, then she should be supportive, or decide that it's too much for her to be there for you as you recover from the injury. That's how I see it anyway.
Good for you for sticking by your kids. My dad had major problems (I suspect incest) and disappeared from his kids' lives. It hurt. My kid drives me on everyday to want to heal and be there for him always.
I wish you the best through this.
-Al

_________________________
In every cry of every man,
In every Infant's cry of fear,
In every voice, in every ban,
The mind-forged manacles I hear.
-William Blake

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#6164 - 09/19/02 01:26 PM Re: Need some support- wife leaving
SoCalJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
Craig,

as a father of four, 14, 7, 7, and 6,, divorced,, apparently from orodo's wife i might add, and struggling as a single parent with all the stuff that goes with having the four kids a full 50% of the time, i got to tell you, i was devastated when she *announced* that *i* would be moving out, it was not exactly what i had in mind when i got married.

ya know, some things you dont have a whole lot of control over, if its at the point where there is no chance of reconciliation, couples therapy is not working, you have given it your best and its still a no go, then maybe its time to let it go some and start figuring out how to heal from this wound and get to building a life for yourself again. sounds easy huh? well, its been fucking hell for me.

i found a mens support group i could not afford, it helped a lot. i reconnected with some friends i had lost contact with over the years, it helped a lot, i got a lot of work done at work, hehe, it kept me distracted.

Craig, its fucked, i hope you work on it a lot so it is as easy on you as it can possibly be,, and dude, know that when some time goes by, there is life agian, honest.

Hugs,

John

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

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#6165 - 09/19/02 01:40 PM Re: Need some support- wife leaving
ernie Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/26/02
Posts: 121
Loc: Portland, Maine
Everyone that has posted here must live in the same house I live in. My wife and I (after 34yrs of marriage) have been seperated for 2 years. It has been at times an extremely difficult thing to go this alone. However, I feel that I am alot stronger as a result. The people that I thought were friends dropped me like a hot potato, my true friends have helped, encouraged and been there with open arms when I needed them. It was extremely hard for my wife to accept not only my behavior but my addiction to alcohol, gay porn and all the other crap that goes with it. We are not over the hump yet but I do feel the hump is in site, one way or another. HANG IN THERE, you are not alone, you are worth more than you think.
Bob

_________________________
The roads of life are full of stones but, they can be moved take my hand we will help each other.

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#6166 - 09/19/02 10:49 PM Re: Need some support- wife leaving
orodo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/02
Posts: 735
Loc: Imladris, The Safe Haven of Ar...
ernie check your profile and private messages.

Be well stay well guys, there is strength here i feel it.

_________________________
It is better to be Dragon Master than Dragon Slayer. Some Dragons are meant to be mastered, others meant to be slain. Odin, Great Spirit, God, grant me the wisdom to know the difference. "May the Valar guide and bless you on your path under the sky"

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#6167 - 09/29/02 01:18 PM Re: Need some support- wife leaving
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Hey I have been there Craig! I am willing to listen, check you private messages,

Michael Joseph has left one for you, just
click on your profile!

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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