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#61557 - 08/18/04 12:40 PM Re: the "self hate" phenomenon
CFO Dave Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/14/04
Posts: 104
Loc: Millis MA
This site is great. It's nice to know I'm not alone and that really helps.

My relationship with my father was one of being beaten if I did something bad. My mothers famous line "wait until your father gets home" didn't add to me liking him at all because I would spend the day in fear of him coming home.

My mother was ultra critical. The only right way to do something was her way.

I always thought that I was an over achiever to try to get his attention. Now I'm thinking it may be a combination. First to get his attention and recognition that I had some value other than as a whiping boy and second to meet her expectations.

I've always tried not to do to my kids what my father did to me. I never hit them and I spend a lot of time with them going to ball games, beach, sleding, skating, rollerblading etc, etc.

I never realized my mothers effect on me until I started seeing my T. Now I see that I've been ultra critical of my kids. God, I thought I was doing such a good job ending the abuse but now I see I have a lot of work to do.

As to accepting complements. HA! never!. When people give me a complement on a project or something I've done, I immediately tell them the part that went wrong or what I missed. I know that missed part isn't critical or visable to them so I feel the need to point it out just to prove I didn't deserve the complement. This fun little trait is something that drives my wife crazy because I don't accept complements from her either.

Thanks for talking about this.

Dave

_________________________
"We deceive ourselves when we fancy that only weakness needs support. Strength needs it far more."
-Madame Swetchine

"The soul that is within me no man can degrade."
-Frederick Douglas

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#61558 - 08/18/04 01:15 PM Re: the "self hate" phenomenon
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
I think at this point for me (after 16 years of on and off therapy and hard work) is a lot about "how can I let this go" as much as I can... EMDR did a WORLD of good in helping me stay grounded (more often than I used to at least) when triggered.. which was my other issue -freaking out and losing composure when stressed/triggered.

Of course meeting my fiance and him going through his SA issues and him playing them out on/with me has dug a lot of stuff up for me in the past 3 years, but I think I had a lot of healing under my belt before he came along. And his issues triggering me forced me to continue to look at my own recovery in ways I dont think I would have looked at unless I was with him.

With respect to my own past, I cant change it. It wasn't pretty, but I dont want it to continue to poison my future. My dad was ridiculous and insane and an abuse survivor in his own right. He still has not done "the work" and still "doesnt get it" and doesnt have a clue about appropriate boundaries, behaviour, etc. He's still as messed up as he ever was except he's not drinking (he's essentially a "dry drunk").

I can't keep going through this world using his view and his vision as my "benchmark" for how I should be and for what my "world" should be. It wasn't working. It made me sick (clinically depressed 3x) and I blew apart more relationships and friendships than I care to admit using his insane and ridiculous standards that I had internalized from his "teachings" in my childhood. I now continue to work on finding my own, more humane and more reasonable and realistic standards (for others and for myself) and put them into practice in my own life.

I am slowly coming to realize that my dad is NOT like the rest of the world... (in general, there are some exceptions of course) what he taught me about the world and the people in it is completly wrong, and I REFUSE to believe that the majority of the world is abusive and repressive and angry like him.. and I refuse to live NOW under that repressive and high-pressure abuse environment (as long as I'm not in a PTSD spaz-out I'm reasonably ok).

I still want to believe in the inherent goodness in the MAJORITY of humanity, despite the horrific displays of abuse that I and my fiance have witnessed. I just am at the point where I cant stand the anxiety that I feel inside me on a daily basis for one more minute... I just cant take it. It makes me sick. There HAS to be some merit as far as improving my mental health in believing that life and this world is not as scary as my past has made it out to be.

Now.. if I only FULLY believed it.. but alas sometimes the longest road is from the mind to the heart.. and I'm somewhere around the brain-stem at this point on this particular issue. The letting go of the anger is getting much better, now the belief in my own emotional safety and security is my PRIME battle!

P


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#61559 - 08/18/04 01:25 PM Re: the "self hate" phenomenon
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
[QUOTE]Originally posted by CFO Dave:
[QB] My mother was ultra critical. The only right way to do something was her way.

I feel for you.. my fiance's mother was like that too. He never told her about his molestation (not a family member) and he's kept this secret for almost 20 years - she still does not know.

>>>God, I thought I was doing such a good job ending the abuse but now I see I have a lot of work to do.

Its not too late. Talk to them about it. Let them know that you still battle being overly critical with them because it was how you were raised, and you want better for them from now on. Tell them that you love them despite your criticisms of them and you are working on being less critical..... it may do a world of good for them. I wish to GOD my dad had done that when I still could recieve the info in my formative years, when my brain could still soak it up.

Keep fighting the good fight everyone.

You're all awesome.

P


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#61560 - 08/18/04 03:34 PM Re: the "self hate" phenomenon
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
PAS - Reading your 11:15am post above gave me goosebumps, it's uncanny how your situation and thinking mirrors mine on this issue. I was reading your thread and thinking "This is like I'm writing this." Like your father, my father just doesn't get it, and I believe he was abused himself. He still does drink though, and I can tell you're much further along in your recovery because your thinking is making sense, whereas I know mine still doesn't from a logical perspective.

Thanks for the post. Not often I read one that has that effect on me.

_________________________
Eddie

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#61561 - 08/20/04 03:15 AM Re: the "self hate" phenomenon
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
ste
Quote:
I remember that my mind seemed to split, with one part dealing with the hurt, and the other dealing with everyday life, in school this got me into trouble as I would be seen to be daydreaming, when what really was happening, was my mind asking for more resources from the part which was dealing with life, or maybe it was the constant tiredness.

Has anyone else felt like the above who can explain it better than me?
I think you explained it very well. I know just what you mean.

I never did homework, not just in high school when no one does their homework, but never, not even when I was very young. In a way it was because I never really "went home"... going home was almost like going to work. I had to concentrate, use up so much energy, just being in the house. Mostly I sat around being hypervigilant and hoping no one would notice me... I didn't realize until I lived in my own home what it was really like to go home.

The first time I went to a friend's house after school, I locked myself in the bathroom and cried. It was all very strange to me there... the house was so clean, and the mom was so nice, and my friend was allowed to do all this stuff (like get a snack without asking, and operate the VCR) that would have gotten me into huge trouble. When it came time for dinner, I panicked. How could I sit at that nice table with them? What if I ruined everything? I was so afraid of being "found out"... that I would mess up somewhere and they would know that I was different, that I was stupid, that I wouldn't be allowed back.

My friend really did have a great mom, she came in and got me and somehow knew exactly what I was afraid of. Many times I've wondered how she knew.


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#61562 - 08/20/04 10:08 AM Re: the "self hate" phenomenon
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Quote:
Originally posted by SAR:
The first time I went to a friend's house after school, I locked myself in the bathroom and cried. It was all very strange to me there... the house was so clean, and the mom was so nice, and my friend was allowed to do all this stuff (like get a snack without asking, and operate the VCR) that would have gotten me into huge trouble. When it came time for dinner, I panicked. How could I sit at that nice table with them? What if I ruined everything? I was so afraid of being "found out"... that I would mess up somewhere and they would know that I was different, that I was stupid, that I wouldn't be allowed back.

My friend really did have a great mom, she came in and got me and somehow knew exactly what I was afraid of. Many times I've wondered how she knew.
SAR - I had a "surrogate" family as well. They had a son my age and lived up the street. Like you, I remember going to their house and remembering how odd it all felt, realizing that other people didn't live like me, that other families actually talked during dinner, that I didn't have to be minimized all the time. I found myself fantasizing that I was their child also, that they loved me like they did their own son. I still see them occasionally, and they always come up to me and hug me and talk to me, even now at 43 years old. They don't know how vital a part they played in my childhood, helping me to cope.

_________________________
Eddie

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#61563 - 08/20/04 10:09 AM Re: the "self hate" phenomenon
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
(double post)

_________________________
Eddie

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#61564 - 08/20/04 10:11 AM Re: the "self hate" phenomenon
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
(double post)

_________________________
Eddie

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#61565 - 08/20/04 10:24 AM Re: the "self hate" phenomenon
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Quote:
Originally posted by SAR:
Mostly I sat around being hypervigilant and hoping no one would notice me... I didn't realize until I lived in my own home what it was really like to go home.
This sounds familiar!!!!

Still trying to break the "hypervigilant" mode...

P


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