I'm a Johnny-come-lately on this thread, so forgive me if I backtrack to the original post to go to one of your first questions, because it struck a chord and I think I might have something to say to it:
Among other things, he canít/wonít get angry with his parents, siblings or anyone else for that matter. But I do. Itís almost like heís experiencing his anger vicariously through me, but once he sees it, it frightens him and he shuts himself and me down. Does this ring true to any of you guys?
Trish, there are men in this world who are at home in their emotions, there are men who, for whatever non-abuse issue they may have, are cut off from their emotions, and then there are survivors. There's something leftover from the abuse experience I think, that makes it difficult for me to handle ANY intense emotional experience. This is a double bind, because the behaviors I indulge in to get out from under, or slide around, or block out that feeling (or replace it with something more familiar, more comfortable, more deserved) are also behaviors that are liable to elicit emotional conflicts in the home, and thus kick the cycle into hyperdrive.
Are you his T? Hell no, you are someone who's trying to live with and support your b/f. He's the one who needs to do the work on what's really bugging him in the here-and-now that he is trying to deal with with the coping skills he learned then-and-there, not you. So do or don't share this with him if it rings any bells with you, but it just might, I hope a little anyway, give you some insight into his badly displaced anger.
Trish, thanks for asking this. If the post reads a tad muddled, I apologize, but I think you have, if nothing else, allowed me to set a few thoughts of my own in order. And that, as they said in New Jersey, is cool beans indeed.