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#61477 - 08/13/04 12:10 PM Advice? Opinion? Please?
Jordansmom Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/13/04
Posts: 5
Loc: Wisconsin
My son (now 16) was sexually abused by his father from the age of 2(?) until he finally told me at age 9. Dad has been banned from the courts to have contact. I did give the okay for an hour meeting between son and dad with a supervisor (my sons choice). For some strange reason dad thought Jordan would want to establish their father/son relationship again(not).

My son knows he can tell me anything and I TRY my best not to REACT. I try to listen and encourage him to talk. A week ago Jordan told me he was gay. That he has thought that for a long time now and feels that he should come "out" so to speak. He has had relationships with girls and I know he has had sex with one of them. When he told me, I suggested it was maybe just a phase???? Considering the way he was introduced to sex by dad, I know there can be some mixed up feelings during adolescence.

I dont mean to offend anyone but my son has gone from saying girls are HOT, having girlfriends.. to acting like he is really gay.. pursuing other gay teens etc. Is this a common phase that one goes through really? How should I react to this total new behavior? HELP


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#61478 - 08/13/04 12:50 PM Re: Advice? Opinion? Please?
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
I think your son is very fortunate that he knows he can turn to you.

My only advice is to continue to provide him love, support, and guidance. A person's sexual orientation is NOT a "problem:" "Acting Out" IS a "problem." Unprotected sex IS a "problem." Lack of ability to form a loving commitment IS a "problem."

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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#61479 - 08/13/04 12:53 PM Re: Advice? Opinion? Please?
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
>>>My son (now 16) was sexually abused by his father from the age of 2(?) until he finally told me at age 9. Dad has been banned from the courts to have contact. I did give the okay for an hour meeting between son and dad with a supervisor (my sons choice). For some strange reason dad thought Jordan would want to establish their father/son relationship again(not).

Do whatever makes your SON feel comfortable... dont give in to any pressure from dad.. respect your sons' wishes for this at ALL TIMES. If dad has not had much therapy Dad may try to play a head trip on Jordan - hopefully if that starts the supervisor will end the session. However, even with therapy I am cynical on how good a relationship that anyone could have with an abuser after so much has gone on!

>>>>A week ago Jordan told me he was gay. That he has thought that for a long time now and feels that he should come "out" so to speak. He has had relationships with girls and I know he has had sex with one of them. When he told me, I suggested it was maybe just a phase????

It may be a phase, but it may be the effects of the SA. Male sexuality can get really messed up by SA espeically if the abuser was also male. The body responds to sexual touch no matter WHO is doing it, and this is confusing to guys. Remember - it doesnt matter WHO does the stimulation its how the body is programmed to react, and sexual response is completely out of conscious control. Many men who are molested get erections, many abusers are men, and the act is so unwanted it doesnt make sense, but thats the way the body works. I have even heard of women who are rape victims who have had orgasms during the rape - sounds pretty horrible but it is the way human bodies are programmed. Its out of our control.

My own fiance thought that because his molestation experiences caused an erection that he was gay and he fought against that belief for a LONG time because he didnt want to be gay.. he deep-sixed his feelings and told nobody, he acted out with a lot of women to compensate, alternating with a lot of isolation, did a lot of drugs and drank a lot.


>>>Considering the way he was introduced to sex by dad, I know there can be some mixed up feelings during adolescence.

Two things that are guaranteed: 1) all teens are confused by sex no matter if they are SA survivors or not, and 2) sexual abuse, if left untreated and unaddressed, WILL create major mixed up feelings due to how the survivor was introduced to sex. My fiance has fought this issue his whole life.

No matter his sexual orientation, Jordan will likely have to go back and re-learn a more healthy way to look at sex and sexuality as best he can.. to get "deprogrammed" if you will from the lessons that this initial sexual initiation taught him which are all about coercion, abuse, power games and shame. Without some kind of therapy, this could set him up for a long phase of confusion and worry.. therapy definitely does help shorten the time period for learning and reprogramming.

>>>I dont mean to offend anyone but my son has gone from saying girls are HOT, having girlfriends.. to acting like he is really gay.. pursuing other gay teens etc. Is this a common phase that one goes through really? How should I react to this total new behavior?

Dont worry about offending us - we talk about stuff that would make A LOT Of people pretty uncomfortable, sexual abuse and sexual issues are still so "loaded" but we're pretty open with discussing WHATEVER on here.

RE; your son - If the situation is painful to him I would see if he is open to going to a counsellor who specializes in teens/sexual abuse/sexuality. While I do think that exploration of one's sexuality is probably a normal phase of teen development, especially nowadays when being gay is starting to be a bit "cooler" (in my growing up even the gay kids denied it as it was NOT cool).. his sexual orientation IS going to be confused because of his experiences and he may need some help sorting it out.

I hate to give advice but I think if I was in your shoes I'd just try to talk to him, see why he thinks he might be gay - is it because he truly is attracted to men and likes them - in that case he may actually BE gay which is totally fine (and if its not fine with you then you might need some counselling of your own to accept his sexuality??) but if it is because he can't process what happened to him and he can only categorize himself as being gay because he was abused and his body responded, and he still really is attracted to women primarily, then he's likely NOT gay and his sexuality is being affected by the abuse.

All in all whatever sexual orientation he winds up being is not the big deal.. gay or straight or even bi he's still your son and you still love him but its all about him being COMFORTABLE with his decision and ensuring it is based on what he is attracted to and what is authentic inside him truly and NOT something that has been twisted up by the abuse.


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#61480 - 08/13/04 01:39 PM Re: Advice? Opinion? Please?
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
I feel for you and Jordan, I am also glad he has got such a caring strong Mother.

The emotion of going through SA can be very frustrating, and can certainly mix up your mind, I don't think it turns you gay, you decide that for yourself as in preference to either sex.

You are without doubt, looking at a seriously mixed up boy, he may be "acting out" fantasies instilled by the abuse, it is a common factor in victims.

These are strong urges, to do things, ordinary people would not do, beyond that I don't know, there is never any "easy fix" to it.

Hang around in the group, you may find some answers here.

I am sorry but this is all I can say, be there for him

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#61481 - 08/13/04 02:07 PM Re: Advice? Opinion? Please?
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Jordansmom,

So, are you okay with your son being sexually active at 16 as long as it is with girls? Have you or your doctor spoken with him about protection against STD's and pregnancy (if he has sex with girls)? This is one "reaction" that is totally appropriate.

I think it is most important for your son to figure out how to set boundaries for himself and his sexual behaviors... make sure that he is only sexually active when he is really okay with it. I know my boyfriend had some sex in high school that he didn't really want to have... he just thought it was expected of him, he didn't know how to say no or keep a relatively innocent situation from escalating. Your son might need help learning how to do this because of his SA history.

In my opinion, there are many worse bits of information to hear from a 16 year old child than "I think I am gay." I know because I said most of them... Also in my opinion, most sexually active 15 and 16 year old kids are acting something out with their sex. I think most of them are trying to use sex to get at deeper questions they have about relationships and intimacy in general, especially if they are afraid that they won't make good adults/spouses/parents. If you are able to sit down and talk with your son about what is really going on in his head, the specifics of his sexual desires and behaviors might not be the most important thing he has to tell you.

Thanks for caring about your son.

SAR


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#61482 - 08/13/04 04:09 PM Re: Advice? Opinion? Please?
Jordansmom Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/13/04
Posts: 5
Loc: Wisconsin
I am not concerned about him being "gay" (id love him anyway) as much as I am concerned about the acting out.. yes. Seeing that Dad is no longer in the picture (thank you god) it has been my responsibility to talk to him about sex, unprotected sex... women.. you name it. I only found out about him having sex with a girl the night he told me about thinking he was gay. He was explaining to me that sex with her did not feel "right".
My concern is with the behavior now that I have read all the replies (and i thank all of you). One day he was obsessing about a particular girl and the next day he told me he is gay.....not normal.

I should bring up a few more facts about Jordan. He was diagnosed with dissociative disorder shortly after his father's trial and was hospitalized for two months. After months of seeing "the best" psychologists, who only wanted to put him on drugs (lithium & other schizophrenia meds) I finally found a great Psychiatrist practicing out of Children's Hospital in Chicago. He no longer has to see the Psychiatrist. He and I have been in therapy together and seperate since all this happened in 1997. At the moment he is not seeing a therapist. You would also think being so close to Chicago and Milwaukee; we could find an adolescent group for him to join... or a specialized therapist he could not manipulate... no luck.

Ill keep reading the boards here and learning. Thanks again to all of you!


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#61483 - 08/13/04 04:51 PM Re: Advice? Opinion? Please?
FastForward Offline
Member

Registered: 08/10/04
Posts: 188
Loc: US
This is a tough issue. I started reading a book called "Same-Sex Attraction: A Guide for Parents" (Harvey/Bradley) that tries to cope with this issue.

It is not easy. Open communication seems to be the key. In the end, it will be his choice but let it be an informed one and made for the right reason. Acting out is so common in CSA cases.

I wonder what else is going on in his life to cause such swings?

Best wishes.

_________________________
FastForward

L&P - always.

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#61484 - 08/13/04 05:07 PM Re: Advice? Opinion? Please?
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
JM

Don't want you to think I am giving advice, but Jordan really has been screwed up by all he has been through, acting out is a culmination of the screwed up mind.

I can only "think" that he has been Betrayed By who? By his father, when a kid is betrayed by someone who he naturally expects to love nurture and protect, it is a very serious mental journey. Don't ever think he enjoyed the experience!!!

If you read some of my earlier posts, I have quoted from a book about the mental effects it can have. Abused boys by mic hunter maybe a valuable investment, there are many other good books, but they can give you a better insight into what really can happen inside the mind of an abused kid.

Better still, read posts by Ken Singer, after all he is the expert in this field, and he has some interesting insights into how it affects CSA victims.

hope this helps

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#61485 - 08/13/04 08:36 PM Re: Advice? Opinion? Please?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
This is a loaded subject that arises all too often unfortunately, and I'm not complaining about that - just expressing my sadness that another young man is possibly very confused.

The important thing ( in my view ) is to differentiate between being gay and acting out, and at 16yo it's going to be difficult because of his limited experiences, especially his sexual ones.

The first time I had sex with a girl I was 16, and it was a disaster. She had previous experience, but was also ( I later discovered from other guys who 'knew' her ) that she was stone cold frigid. But with my lack of previous I didn't know anything and thought it was me. She lasted a few months, and the next girl was completely different. I learned a lot :rolleyes:

But by this time I had had more male-male sexual experience than hetero experience, from the age of 11yo. I had come to'enjoy' all the sex acts in the end, and millions of gay men can't all be wrong.
But I have never had any attraction to other guys, which is the important thing here I suspect.
Our vision of 'normal' sex is thrown out with the bathwater when we were abused, and our first consensual sex can have a huge influence as well, more so if we already doubt our sexuality.

I think Survivors face a "Catch 22" situation, if we're hetero we often wonder if we might be gay. And maybe some gays wonder if the abuse 'caused it'
Or at least that's my idea, and I'm sure the gay Survivors will let me know if I'm way off the mark here.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#61486 - 08/14/04 05:17 AM Re: Advice? Opinion? Please?
Archnut Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/02
Posts: 343
Loc: United Kingdom
JM

Your son is very lucky to have a mother that talks and listens.

I was originally abused at the age of fourteen and was told by my abuser that I was very properbley gay or bisexual at the very least, I was still confused about my sexual ID thirty years later and even though i have been married thirteen years I still have occasional problems in my thinking.

Archnut


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