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#61413 - 03/17/01 07:06 PM Help Me Help Him *T*
Ktulu Offline
Member

Registered: 03/17/01
Posts: 2
Loc: Mirador
Hello everyone.I am a female survivor of sexual abuse(hats off to my brothers here),but I am here because a male friend of mine disclosed that he was sodomised in fourth grade.He had never told anyone else this before.He did not even realize that it was a form of sexual abuse.He knows that he can come to me whenever he needs help...but will only do that when he is willing to deal with the subject.In the meantime,is there anything I can do in order to prepare myself for when he does need help?

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Who made you God to say,"I'll take your life from you!"

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#61414 - 03/19/01 10:28 AM Re: Help Me Help Him *T*
sas Offline
Member

Registered: 01/28/01
Posts: 31
Loc: Chicago, IL USA
Hi Ktulu, kudos to you for trying to figure out how you can best support him. I, too, am a survivor of sexual abuse and the one thing I have learned, is that my experience or path in healing, is uniquely mine not his - and I can't expect my husband to walk a similar path - as much as it frustrates me sometimes... after all, if he did what I did then I'd know what to do..;-) The hardest thing for me is being patient, and letting him find his own time and place to go into the shadows. I struggle everyday, everyday.

I have found reading Michael Lew's book invaluable in learning about the impact of sexual abuse on men - it is different than women - the support, acceptance, etc. is different (not that we had a great time, but I really do think the path is funkier for men). Men's socialization is so different from women's - it creates some fundamental differences in how they regard being victimized.... The book also helped me decipher some things that have occurred in our relationship - it put them in a context, for what that is worth.

I have also found this website a great forum for helping me learn, hear the stories of others. Also, I'm sure you're doing this but please encourage him to get counseling, that has been a godsend for both of us. Since his experience will be different, he needs a trained, neutral guide to go with him. I learned quickly that having been sexually abused does not make me anything like an expert in helping someone else - in fact, a lot of my own "stuff" got stirred up again - ugh. So I'm getting help for myself too (I'm so grateful we have the means to do so).

I think the one thing that has help our marriage survive through these "rapids" (so far, so good) is finding and holding on to a belief that we'll get through this together (more grey hair, less weight, more wrinkles), and that my husband knows that I love all his "internal parts," no matter how he might feel about them at times....

Good luck, and stay in touch.

-sas


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#61415 - 03/19/01 05:42 PM Re: Help Me Help Him *T*
Ktulu Offline
Member

Registered: 03/17/01
Posts: 2
Loc: Mirador
Thank you sas,I appreciate your kind words.Its hard for me to keep from jumping in and trying to "save" him,even tho I know it won't work.So that is why I'm doing this without his knowledge...kuz I know he will have to some other things to deal with than I have.I've had two years of counseling,and he,interestingly enough,is studying to become a counseler.I am very glad that he decided to tell me,cuz he knew already what I had been thru (I mean,he didn't even tell his g/f).Thankfully he isn't expecting me to save him,but to just be there when he needs support.He's under a lot of stress right now,so he's got denial protecting him,but he knows that when the time comes he'll deal with it...so I hope we're on the right track.Anyway,I will keep what you have said close to heart...best wishes to you and your hubby-Ktulu

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