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#61265 - 02/11/01 07:53 PM I'm new to this...
Mija Offline
Member

Registered: 02/11/01
Posts: 2
Loc: OMAHA,NEBRASKA 68154
This is my first time being on this site, and I think that it brings a lot of light and hope into the lives of men who have had virtually nowhere to turn.
I am married to a rape victim who has kept it hidden for six years. I knew about the rape before we were married, but until a month ago, I had no idea how much it affected both of our lives. We were married in May of 1998, but I had known him from high school and he was always the guy that every girl wanted to date. I was almost sixteen and he was almost twenty. After about a couple of months, we started to lose touch and he married another woman. I came back into the picture after they had divorced in 1997.
There was a definite difference from the first time that we met. He was no longer the carefree person I remembered, and he had no desire to do things that I thought he would have loved to do. He told me about the rape the first month that we started dating. It was devastating to listen to because the three men that had raped him also raped him of the will to enjoy life and feel comfortable with others.
The hardest thing to talk about is the way things were when we were first married. Now that my husband is getting counseling, we read over pamphlets and websites with all kinds of information about male rape. As I read over them, I can pick out things that happened when we were first together. My husband would tell me that I was cheating on him when I wasn't, but now I know that comes from not being able to trust people due to the rape. This is just one of the things that would trigger something in my memory, and now I say, "Aha! That's why this happened or that's why he acts like this!" But it's not the easiest thing to deal with. Sometimes I forget that I need to be patient, and I want to defend myself against something totally off the wall that he is saying. So I get all p.o.'d and then he gets p.o.'d. And what can I do then? I would rather tell him to leave me alone, but that is no solution. I know that I love him, and I want to help him through this the best way I know how. It just is really tough to watch the one that you want to be with for the rest of your life have to jump every hurdle possible to at least have some peace of mind.
My husband and I have two wonderful boys. He loves our kids more than life itself. I hope that one day he can tell them that he is proud of himself for overcoming the feeling that he was not a good enough person to deserve a family or even a chance to live.
So to all of you partners and loved ones of victims, do not give up the ship! Know that one day your loved ones will have that peace of mind they long for. Remember that they still need kind and comforting words, kisses and hugs even when the world seems to have turned its back on them.
Thanks for letting me talk.
Mija (Monica)


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#61266 - 02/11/01 11:21 PM Re: I'm new to this...
Shelby Offline
Member

Registered: 11/27/00
Posts: 36
Loc: Littleton,CO USA
Monica
That was the sweetest, most inspiring words I've read in a long time. I'm not sure if you said anything about your husband getting professional help or not, but being patient is a big key. I am a survivor and unfortunately, my wife didn't support me the way many of you here have (read through some of the other posts here to get my story) and it nearly killed me this week. I'm not just speaking figuratively, but I actually ended up calling 911 and spending 3 days in the hospital this week, all a result of the stress she inflicted on me over the past 3 months since I told her of my abuse. The kids will be a big key to keeping him pulling and working towards finding happiness, I know as I lay there in the hospital Monday night, thinking I was was having a major heart attack, all I could think of was getting my 2 grown sons to my side to see them one last time. Thanks to my ex-wife who was at the hospital within an hour, she was able to bring those 2 most precious things in my life to me. My present wife did manage a call middle of the day the next day, what a cold hearted "bitch". Sorry for the language, but I know she knows she is cause of this, but she doesn't care. She started this site and used it to get all kinds of good advise, but I don't think she got what she was looking for, sympathy, and quit using it. Thank God, I found it in the history of my PC when I moved out a month ago and have changed the password and have found it a great help to me, but it has still taken it's tole on me physically to see the woman I am madly in love with and carrying my baby out bedding another man. Needless to say, I am devistated. So, your support to your husband is critical!! That doesn't mean to baby him and overlook all his mood swings and hurtful things he may do, but if your line of communication is good, on a good day tell him that you are so proud of him for his fight that you aren't going to let him dig himself into a hole and that because you love him so much you will point them out as they happen. He'll probably be very receptive to that while he's in a good headset, but don't be fooled when he gets in one of those nasty moods, he still isn't going to want to hear it, but he will know it's because you care and the cycle may work out faster. Good luck to you and your precious family.


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#61267 - 02/13/01 10:51 AM Re: I'm new to this...
Mija Offline
Member

Registered: 02/11/01
Posts: 2
Loc: OMAHA,NEBRASKA 68154
Shelby,
Thank you for reading my letter on this site. I wasn't sure if anyone out there would read it or even reply to it.
I am really sorry to hear that your present wife is not very supportive. I hope that she will realize that she will be missing out on what could have been. I keep that in my head whenever things get too tough around here. I want to see my husband be happy more than anything. The wait and the therapy will be worth it. Sometimes it doesn't feel like I can wait though. I guess that is why I am seeing a therapist pretty quick here myself.
However it must be wonderful to have your ex-wife at least be there for you along with your grown kids. I am glad that you have them to help you. Don't kids make life just seem a little brighter? My two sons are 2 1/2 and 5 months. Sometimes I wish that they could talk to me, but it still is wonderful to watch them love each other and love me and my husband. But it is difficult to watch my husband not participate in their lives the way that he wants to. This past weekend we had the biggest snowstorm in a long time, and we were all cooped up in our apartment. I don't mind staying in for long periods of time, but it drove my husband crazy. And that's when he tends to hide himself in the bathroom for a while. That's my cue to make sure that he isn't doing anything destructive in there, if you know what I mean. But this time he did, and it made me mad. I admit that I lost my temper because this make the tenth time that he tried to hurt himself in a matter of a month. He kept telling me that I could leave because it wouldn't matter anyway. That was the part that made me mad. I couldn't and I still can't understand why he would say something like that if he knows that I do love him and it does matter to me if he dies. He is a brave man to come this far, and I would hate to see him give up because he deserves to be happy and comfortable with life.
I have to say something really quick here. His last wife would spend money like it was water, and he had and still has a large insurance policy through work. For some reason he thinks that at times I am exactly like her, and all I really will need is his insurance policy money so then I will be happy. To tell you the truth I could care less about the money or that we are now going to have the largest medical bills in the state.
I don't know why I even told that to you. Maybe it's because you have an inkling of an understanding of what he has been through. I don't know what I can do besides just be here for him, and there are times where he wants me to find things for him to do or he wants me to talk, and I can't tell him what to do and I still feel some sort of anger towards him for being so mean to me when we were first together. I won't ever tell him that though. The therapy and the rape counseling is too much for him, and for him to listen to me drag up things that happened two years ago would not smooth things over. I guess that is why I am going to see a therapist also. I don't want to talk to family about this because my mom is a mental health care professional, and no offense to her, but she can get pretty analitical.
Anyway, I hope and pray that things get better for you, Shelby. I know that someday they will. You are a brave man to have come this far. I hope you don't have to pedal uphill much longer! Please have a great day.

Sincerely,
Monica


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#61268 - 02/13/01 11:21 PM Re: I'm new to this...
Shelby Offline
Member

Registered: 11/27/00
Posts: 36
Loc: Littleton,CO USA
Monica.....
Hey kid, hang in there I'm sure there are days when you just want to throw in the towel, but you haven't and you are a wonderful inspiration. I don't want to blow a lot of smoke at you and tell you that one day it is just going to be over. Honestly, I doubt that it ever will be completely over for us. There will always be reminders or things that will bring back a bad memory. I'm not sure if I understood you correctly when you were talking about him hurting himself in the bathroom, was he masterbating or was he actually trying to commit suicide? If it's suicide attempts, he may need to be hospitalized, if it's the other, I can understand where that is coming from. It's a conditioning from our abuse and a very hard one to overcome. I call it an "orgasm addict" others just call it a sexual additiction, but to me they are two completely different things, one is conditioning from our abuse and the other a compulsion. If you respond to this, please clarify this and maybe one of us can shead some light on it for you.

I'm glad you are going to therapy yourself. That will be key for you to keep your sanity through this. When you get down, just look in the faces of those two precious boys and see your husbands love in their eyes.

Later
Shelby


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#61269 - 02/22/01 07:48 AM Re: I'm new to this...
Gadzook Offline
Member

Registered: 12/10/00
Posts: 72
Loc: Papillion, NEBRASKA (USA)
Hang in there. I am sure life has been difficult. But as you said your husband is getting help. You've stayed with him through all the bad times. Don't you want to be around for the good times too? I'm not saying it will be easy or everyday will be a bed of roses. But just knowing you love one another is a big start. Seeing positive changes in him is what you should be looking for as he goes through his therapy or counseling. I know for me, I am doing all this for myself but also for my family. I want to function better and not miss out on my wife and kids and I know I have been up until now. I am trying to change all of that. It is a slow an painful journey - but I feel it is well worth it in the end. I'm not there by any means myself. But one step at a time. That is something positive to look at.
Good luck,
Always-
Dave
(GADZOOK)

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~Gadzook

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