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#61248 - 02/09/01 11:29 AM HELPING THE SUPPORTERS!!
Gadzook Offline
Member

Registered: 12/10/00
Posts: 72
Loc: Papillion, NEBRASKA (USA)
If you are close to any survivor of rape,abuse,incest,molestation may I suggest that even if your partner does not get counseling for their problems (which I hope they are or will)- that "you" yourself get counseling. The things of it is is that something as sick and as serious as this affects the people around the victim/survivor and in many ways you may be experiencing similar problems and conditions as that person. You must look after the victim/survivor and be there for them. But you have to be careful that you look after and take care of yourself as well.
That is why not only am I going through my therapy and counseling and group sessions for my gang rape, but my wife is seeing a therapist to help her handle my problems as well as her feelings and her problems.
It helps - it works, and you'll both be better off for it! I hope you will consider it, it sure has brought my wife and I closer and to a better understanding of how the other one feels and what the other is going through. It opens that communication by giving you the skills to know and learn how to deal with each "mood" one of you may be facing.
I hope this helps some of you. As a survivor I know the pressure it puts on a loved one to have to see their loved one going through something so severe and traumatic.
GADZOOK (dave)

_________________________
~Gadzook

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#61249 - 02/09/01 09:51 PM Re: HELPING THE SUPPORTERS!!
Aggie Offline
Member

Registered: 02/09/01
Posts: 7
Dear Gadzook,

I don't know if I could be called a 'survivor'. I am definitely a supporter. But I'll let you decide.

I am a current case manager at a halfway house in Ohio. Very soon I'll be demoting myself to security, an old position.

Anyway, I had a young client, who was/is 23 years old, disclose to me that when he was in prison he was raped by two men, something I never questioned, because I know it is true. He was worried that he had HIV.

This kid was locked up when he was only 17. He was raped at 18, thrown into solitary confinement for 5 months, as if IT was his FAULT. Then he was extorted by other inmates who knew he was assaulted.

Anyway, Gadzook, to make a long story short, I was supposed to go with him to get his HIV results at the local clinic. As his case manager and someone who cared, I felt it was my duty to take him, as a supportive role.

He never made it. He fled the facility that night. Later on I talked to him while he was in jail and he told me he'd been scared so he left to smoke pot and drink.

The point I am making is this: He was charged with escape, a parole violation, and has since been sent back to the institution.

I cannot stop thinking about him. I wonder if he'll even make it. I feel guilty and sick, because I feel I should have done more for him.

Where I work it's not encouraged to care about a client, after all, they're criminals. But in my eyes, he was kid who needed help.

Gadzook, this makes me want to be a strong advocate for the male rape victim. I hear and see the effects all the time. I can't stand the thought of him going back to prison for ten more years(that's what he has left). He'll probably be raped again. I've read enough articles to know what goes on behind bars.

I feel this forum can help me vent a bit and perhaps offer as much support to men and boys as possible, and perhaps learn a few things a long the way from survivors.

I just don't know where else I can talk openly and safely at.


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#61250 - 02/09/01 09:52 PM Re: HELPING THE SUPPORTERS!!
Aggie Offline
Member

Registered: 02/09/01
Posts: 7
Dear Gadzook,

I don't know if I could be called a 'survivor'. I am definitely a supporter. But I'll let you decide.

I am a current case manager at a halfway house in Ohio. Very soon I'll be demoting myself to security, an old position.

Anyway, I had a young client, who was/is 23 years old, disclose to me that when he was in prison he was raped by two men, something I never questioned, because I know it is true. He was worried that he had HIV.

This kid was locked up when he was only 17. He was raped at 18, thrown into solitary confinement for 5 months, as if IT was his FAULT. Then he was extorted by other inmates who knew he was assaulted.

Anyway, Gadzook, to make a long story short, I was supposed to go with him to get his HIV results at the local clinic. As his case manager and someone who cared, I felt it was my duty to take him, as a supportive role.

He never made it. He fled the facility that night. Later on I talked to him while he was in jail and he told me he'd been scared so he left to smoke pot and drink.

The point I am making is this: He was charged with escape, a parole violation, and has since been sent back to the institution.

I cannot stop thinking about him. I wonder if he'll even make it. I feel guilty and sick, because I feel I should have done more for him.

Where I work it's not encouraged to care about a client, after all, they're criminals. But in my eyes, he was kid who needed help.

Gadzook, this makes me want to be a strong advocate for the male rape victim. I hear and see the effects all the time. I can't stand the thought of him going back to prison for ten more years(that's what he has left). He'll probably be raped again. I've read enough articles to know what goes on behind bars.

I feel this forum can help me vent a bit and perhaps offer as much support to men and boys as possible, and perhaps learn a few things a long the way from survivors.

I just don't know where else I can talk openly and safely at.


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#61251 - 02/10/01 08:07 AM Re: HELPING THE SUPPORTERS!!
Gadzook Offline
Member

Registered: 12/10/00
Posts: 72
Loc: Papillion, NEBRASKA (USA)
Your situation sounds very similar to manyI have heard in male groups for survivors and supporters. Until the public understands that male victimization is serious and is a crime we will have to keep doing what we can. You caring about this young man is a huge step in the right direction. We should all care about our fellow human beings - regardless of their background. The victim does not ask to be raped and abused. So to have someone he can trust is a very big and very good thing. Hang in there and I hope you feel and know that you are doing the right thing.
I commend your courage and thank you from a survivors point of view! Good Job and God Bless You!
Gadzook (dave)

_________________________
~Gadzook

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#61252 - 02/10/01 08:31 PM Re: HELPING THE SUPPORTERS!!
Aggie Offline
Member

Registered: 02/09/01
Posts: 7
Thanks, Gadzook. I appreciate the advice. So, what kind of advocacy can I get into? I live in a medium Ohio city, but I think the focus is and always has been on the female victim. I guess I would need to meet other people who're interested in the causes as I am. Currently, I am geting involved in HIV/AIDS volunteerism. So, I guess that is a start.


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#61253 - 02/10/01 08:31 PM Re: HELPING THE SUPPORTERS!!
Aggie Offline
Member

Registered: 02/09/01
Posts: 7
Thanks, Gadzook. I appreciate the advice. So, what kind of advocacy can I get into? I live in a medium Ohio city, but I think the focus is and always has been on the female victim. I guess I would need to meet other people who're interested in the causes as I am. Currently, I am geting involved in HIV/AIDS volunteerism. So, I guess that is a start.


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#61254 - 02/10/01 10:37 PM Re: HELPING THE SUPPORTERS!!
Shelby Offline
Member

Registered: 11/27/00
Posts: 36
Loc: Littleton,CO USA
Aggie.....
We are similar insorts. I too, work in a treatment facility, only I work with teenage boys, many of which have been abused. But, I also am a survivor. I followed my heart a few years ago and gave up a rather financially rewarding career to do what my heart told me i should do. I think men need a support group in as many area as women do, and in some ways more. We are viewed in a much different light that female rape victims, not to diminish their victimization by no means. I too, would like to start a male support group, but, I too, live in a small midwestern town and doubt that I could develop this without reprocusions from the community, nor do i think very many would come forward for fear of public humiliation. I may have to go into the city to start and hope the rural areas would follow or get word of it. I don't have a PHD or anything, just a big heart and the desire. I hope you've kept in contact with this young man, I think it may be important to him to know youare still out there pulling for him. What a great friend he has! Keep up the great work and keep me posted if you try to get a group started, I would really be interested what works and what doesn't etc. or anyone else who may read this, please point me in the right direction. I sure like to keep from happening others what happened to me when I disclosed my abuse to my wife.


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