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#61177 - 07/21/04 09:07 PM Any Little Bit You CAn Share Will Help
Lady_CrazyWife Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 3
Loc: Burnsville
Amazing
I am awestruck and jsut somewhat speechless
Even in the few postes that had responded to my initial topic, I was in tears, I experienced a whole spectrum of emotions. I dont you know how grateful I am for your listening ear and compassion. I hope, I pray that someday after my husband and I weather thru this storm that he will post something like that to another woman looking for some bit of hope to hold on tobecause of what she is going thru with her partner because of his SA.
I dont feel that crazy today. We shall see what happens with tomorrow. Right now my husbands and I are taking it day by day and step by step.
I think what is really hard right now is that we are not intimate and we are still teetering on that divorce thingy,,, I love him very much though.
I wonder if it makes me pathetic to stick it out sometimes after the hell he has put me through.
But I look at our beautiful son and realize at this point I want him to have it all including two healthy parents in love with eachother.
Please dont stop talking to me and posting. Everything that has been said over the last two days had made quite animpact on how I feel,,
You know I felt alone and desperate and over the last few weeks I literally felt Crazy. I still dont know how to deal with my emotions.
I am jsut trying to work on patience right now.
Thankyou for your kindness and consideration and compassion and understanding.
It really helps to know that therer have been others who have been thru closely thru what I have been thru. It is very comforting,,,,,
So any little bit more that you can share her or there.
Like how I should communicate, How I should let my feelings be heard,, etc..
Please let me know
I love my husband and I want him, me, us to make it thru this and in one piece,,,
Again thankyou

_________________________
Jewell

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#61178 - 07/22/04 10:44 AM Re: Any Little Bit You CAn Share Will Help
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
[QUOTE]Originally posted by Lady_CrazyWife:
>>>I wonder if it makes me pathetic to stick it out sometimes after the hell he has put me through.

No.. just someone who's fighting to keep someone she loves in her life. Pretty normal actually.

>>>You know I felt alone and desperate and over the last few weeks I literally felt Crazy. I still dont know how to deal with my emotions.

Its hard to talk about this kind of stuff with the average ordinary person.. its only people who have dealt with this themselves that dont see it as completely insane.. there are so many ppl out there too that I cant share my stories with.. they just give trite answers like "leave the guy" or "why the hell would you put up with that" and that's not the way I want to deal with my relationship issues. I recall someone in my group therapy session for partners of SA survivors who said that others tell her stuff like that too.. her typical response was "I agree with your concern, but I dont agree with your solution".

As far as feeling crazy I totally understand.. its such a big old twisted up set of emotions its hard to figure out what's up. Also be aware that high emotional stress in one's life often can create a "rollercoaster" or "waves" of emotions.. the sadness, grief, anxiety, anger, etc comes and goes... kind of like waves.. its hard to figure out what mood will come when and with what intensity. Be aware this is NORMAL and how the human body often reacts when under extreme emotional stress. Its weird, its bizare, its discomforting, but its all completely NORMAL.. and it will subside in time. Remember things wont always be the way they are now.. take some comfort in the fact that time has a way of easing the pain, of smoothing out the emotional roller coasters, of taking care of issues you have no idea how you are going to get through today.

>> It really helps to know that therer have been others who have been thru closely thru what I have been thru. It is very comforting,,,,,
So any little bit more that you can share her or there.
Like how I should communicate, How I should let my feelings be heard,, etc..

Its important at this point for you to ensure you lay down what I call "boundaries of acceptable behaviour" - in situations like this there are so many loose and wild emotions going around.. be firm but gentle on how you wish to be treated... and act in a way in which you would wish to be treated yourself. There are bound to be phases when there are some pretty heavy duty stuff being slung around.. accusations, wild release of his and your emotions, etc. etc.. and its hard not to "bite" and jump in to that stuff when its happening.. try as much to stay as calm as possible (I know I know its so hard when emotions are so high) but stay centered, stay the course, above all keep your own dignity as best you can. I have sunk to some pretty low lows in response to some of my fiance's abusive anger reactions.. and I am not proud of myself. Sometimes I'd wind up having to apologize for my reaction and we'd focus on that instead of focussing on what started the whole interactoin in the first place.

Dont let ANYONE convince you that you dont have any valid emotions in this situation.. it may be very hard for your partner to be able to look at your concenrs for awhile.. he is obviously so mired in himself that he can't think of others.. and while it appears really selfish (because it really is) its not something he's choosing to do, he just can't do it yet. There is always a natural phase of total self-absorption that is the first step of recovery. Its horrible, lonely-making, crazy making for those of us who are involved with a survivor, but with hard work on behalf of the survivor, and patience on our part it usually does improve over time.. it can take some time though.

>>>Please let me know
I love my husband and I want him, me, us to make it thru this and in one piece,,,

Most importantly be focussed on yourself getting through this in one piece. You can only focus on yourself and what your partner does is always and totally his choice. You can certainly state what you wish to happen, how you feel, but it all has to be HIS choice on what he wants. Its tough, the trust and the faith is somewhat scary - that you hve to just TRUST someone who you are finding hard to trust right now... but its all about finding the inner strength to go forward in life when you dont relaly know exactly what is going to happen. Its scary.. VERY scary and you need to ground yourself and surround yourself with as much support as possible - friends, therapists, doctors, taking care of yourself and your child are critical in this phase.

Remember there's always ppl here to listen and talk to.. also dont forget your "real life" support networks.. therapists, etc.

P


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#61179 - 07/22/04 10:44 AM Re: Any Little Bit You CAn Share Will Help
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Sorry this one got posted twice.. dunno why. Lemme get that other one outta your way!

P


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#61180 - 07/22/04 11:55 AM Re: Any Little Bit You CAn Share Will Help
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Jewell

If you haven't done so yet, take a look around the site... read some of the articles, read some old threads on the forums. There is sure to be something there to make you feel less alone and less pathetic... and maybe it will help you to be patient to see objectively some of the shit that survivors deal with.

Believe me, I know how difficult it is to be going through all of this and trying to keep it away from a child in the house. It is very important right now that your son has at least one healthy parent who loves HIM very much... I know you'd like to be able to give him the whole package but really, that is all that you can give him all alone. In terms of divorce etc., it sounds like you and your husband are both in a pretty shaky place right now and you don't have to make those decisions until you feel stable. A lot of years of shit went into making this situation and you can't fix it overnight.

take care
SAR


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#61181 - 07/22/04 08:16 PM Re: Any Little Bit You CAn Share Will Help
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Jewell
you aren't pathetic or crazy, just in love with some guy who's all messed up - and that's his good fortune.
He might not recognise it right now, but love and support carry us guys a long, long way towards healing.

Be strong, be prepared to be rejected, humiliated and to feel unloved. We do crazy things when we're wounded, and we don't always think straight. We become selfish, stubbourn and unpredictable.
But - while we're being some or all of these things we're working on our demons and healing.

It's worth the effort, for both of you. But ALWAYS remember that the most important person is YOU.
You need to very aware of your own health, don't let his problems become yours as well.
What we seem to need most of all is support, someone to believe us, and someone we can trust.

It's a tough job being a Survivors Partner, but it's worth it.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#61182 - 07/23/04 12:41 PM Re: Any Little Bit You CAn Share Will Help
Aden Offline
Member

Registered: 07/05/04
Posts: 499
This is off point and probably not all that helpful, but I am going to say it anyway.

When it comes to saving a loved one and a relationship, the effort tends to end at the word "divorce." Speak it and it becomes a possibility. Once possible, often done.

You have to look after yourself. But if letting go is a real option, it becomes a likely option.

Love, forgivness, and the measure of your capacity for both are what you will have to decide. And it is what you decide that matter in your life.

Aden


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