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#61145 - 07/19/04 03:16 AM SCREAMING INSIDE
Lady_CrazyWife Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 3
Loc: Burnsville
So June 1st my life was changed upside down forever
And im dying inside and I dont know what to do
I dont know how to deal with my anger
My husband of a year and a half basically told me that our time together was a lie and he used me . He was sleeping with multiple partners,,men and women. He lied and lies to me on a semi consistent basis....what the hell and just the week before the 1st of June everything was good and wonderful and we were just starting to reestablish our relationship again,, How do I deal with this?
We have a little boy together I have devoted myself to our life and our marriage only to find out that it was allllll a lie and now recently it came out about 3 weeks ago that we was a victim of some terrible crimes of SA and I dont know how to react to that,,,
I mean that explains the self destructive behavior and him sleeping with everyone that comes along the hiding the lying and the cheating right right RIGHT?

I want to stick this out and I want to be there for him in his pain and be his shoulder to lay his head on and be safe and I want him to confide in me ..
But GOD , what about me what about how he has put me through hell
But I want a good life for our son I want him to have both of us all the time and I believe in the good fight and sticking it out and making it through the storm,, why get divorced if you hit a roaddblock ,, to me that is too easy to just give up and walk away
There has not been a day that has gone by in the last 8 weeks that i havent thought in my mind,, I just want to die and or I wish I never would have met him then I would not be going through this right now my life would be different and then I am ashamed becasue we would not have our perfect little son
And I feel like I am going CRAZY,, we have been going to therapy and it seems all we focus on is what happened to him and what he needs to do to fix himself,,
Dont mind the fact taht he just destroyed my life at the wink of an eye. And that there is an innocent bystander ((our son)) who is too young to understand what is going on,,
And he tells me he does not know if we can work this out and then tells me he wants to try and then retreats onto his laptop 80% of the time he is home,, Mind you his laptop was his gateway drug, he used it to "hook up" with different men and women and on top of that I found his message archive where he told people terrible things about me as a justification to go out and screw around,,I hate that laptop,,
I dont know what to beleive now when he opens his mouth,, how am i supposed to trust him again?
I cant even trust my own judgement because for the last year and 1/2 I thought he was a different person. He has made me DOUBT MYSELF
I was a good wife and a good mother I tried and tried and now in the end I get violently mentally and emotionally abused because my husband went through these horrible experiences
Im angry at him IM angry at the SICK FUCKS out there that have no concious when they perform their horrible acts on children,, Im angry at life ,, im angry because I dont know if my husband is gonna get over this. How do I live with this person that has done these things to me because of the things that have been done to him.
Where does the cycle end,, who do I get to hold accountable for the hurt and pain that my husband brought into my life,,, Because for some reason , Because the whole SA thing came up I dont feel like my husband gets to be held responsible anymore ,,becauase he would not be this way if he would not have been SA?
I feel like I am going crazy,,,
What is out there for me to hold on to because right now there is nothing.
He found this site and it has really helped him I guess ,,part of me believes that this is good and then part of me believes that ths is another way for him to retreat from reality again and to avoid taking care of the real issues and then part of me this and part of me that,,,
I swear i feel like im going nuts ,, what about the wives the girlfriends ,, the women who have been there bee ngood and honest and loyal supporters of their husband boyfriends only to find out that there is this darkness that exists in their partner and there is nothing we can do?
Is there anything?
My husband gets to work on being healed and gets to work on himself now because it has come full circle and now it is time to deal with it
But what about the damage he has done to me and this marriage.
He is not telling me he is smoke and mirrors and now he has retreated into this shell and I only get to see bits and pieces,, where do I get to focus my anger and hurt because of the damage he has done because of the damamge that was inflicted on him ?
DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY ANSWERS
IS THERE ANY HOPE

_________________________
Jewell

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#61146 - 07/19/04 03:56 AM Re: SCREAMING INSIDE
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Jewell,

I'm so sorry that you have to be here, I'm so sorry that you feel the way you are feeling.

Please, give yourself what YOU need right now. It is okay for you to need counseling and healing too. It is hard work sticking by a survivor even without the other stuff. It is hard work trying to save a difficult and unfaithful marriage even without the survivor stuff.

Your anger and pain are legitimate, and the Family and Friends forum is a safe place to express them. If your husband has just begun to heal, he may not be able to really absorb your feelings too. There may be too much going on in his own head right now for him to see very far past it. That's not fair to you or to any other partner, but it doesn't mean you have to be alone with your feelings and it doesn't mean that he'll never be able to hear your anger and pain. As he heals, he will be able to come to terms with what he has done to you and the marriage. There is hope for that, but it won't happen overnight.

I have to say one more thing... explanations are not excuses. It is one thing to say that the SA is why something happened. It is another thing entirely to say that because of the SA, it's all okay or forgivable or inevitable. You don't have to put up with continued lies and betrayal any more than you would put up with them if there were no SA. It is okay to insist on healthy boundaries for your relationship. Healing happens in healthy places.

SAR


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#61147 - 07/19/04 09:21 AM Re: SCREAMING INSIDE
Aden Offline
Member

Registered: 07/05/04
Posts: 499
This is so hard. I am sorry. These things almost always hurt more than just one person. You have to look out for your son and yourself. It may be too much for you to forgive your husband or attempt to work things out. He has problems. But you don't have to make those problems your center of life. It seems so shallow for me to say, but let love guide your choices. And remember, where love fails, a hammer is always a good second choice.

Aden


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#61148 - 07/19/04 11:16 AM Re: SCREAMING INSIDE
darp123 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/25/03
Posts: 15
Loc: Maryland
I am sorry you are in so much pain. For right now you need to take care of yourself and your son. Make sure you are taking care of yourself physically, eating, sleeping and getting some exercise. You may want go into individual conselling for yourself and you may want to talk to your family dr. about antidepressants. I wish that I had done those things early on instead of waiting for 4 months.

My H and I had been married for 15 yrs when I found out that he was having an A and had also been SA by a family member as a child. It has been about 18 months since I found out. In that time my H has been in IC and I have also. It has been a hell of a rollercoaster ride but it is getting better. There is hope.

Sar said
I have to say one more thing... explanations are not excuses. It is one thing to say that the SA is why something happened. It is another thing entirely to say that because of the SA, it's all okay or forgivable or inevitable. You don't have to put up with continued lies and betrayal any more than you would put up with them if there were no SA. It is okay to insist on healthy boundaries for your relationship. Healing happens in healthy places.


This is so so true!!!!


There is a site called Surviving Infidelity that has wonderful people like the people on this site. There are many that are dealing with infidelity and SA issues there also.

Take care,
darp


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#61149 - 07/19/04 01:08 PM Re: SCREAMING INSIDE
Dan88 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/02
Posts: 247
Loc: DC
I'm sorry for the situation you and your family are in. I'd definitely recommend you look for the suport groups that are available for spouses of sex addicts.

They can give you terrific support and feedback about a lot of the points you raised. Patrick Carnes book Out of the Shadows is also a great book on the topic of sexual addiction.

I believe that through the process of recovery, both you and your husband will be able to understand all of what has happened. But, of course, what you and he choose to do about will be up to you. Take care of yourself.


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#61150 - 07/21/04 12:51 PM Re: SCREAMING INSIDE
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
You sound really hurt right now and betrayed as well ,validate your feelings because from the sounds of it you sound very alone and thats ok..I am a survivor .Therefore your husband may have told you because he wants you to be part of his healing process,(i dont' know) ...Anyway you have every right in the world to be feeling like this.I promise you this, "YOUR NOT GOING CRAZY". Although you do sound confused, and thats ok to you did mention you want to "work this out for your son" ,therapy is HUGE for the three (3) of you right now. Athough it's difficult ,and it seems it's all about "his" SA.My heart goes out to you keep talking about how this is affecting you and you will get through this , that i PROMISE you. Be gentle with yourself and god bless you always .
Rich C [*]

_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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#61151 - 07/21/04 03:43 PM Re: SCREAMING INSIDE
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Jewell,

Like everyone else, i'm sorry for what's happening in your life. I'm sorry for your pain. I'm sorry for the pain your husband is in. I'm sorry for EVERYTHING.

I have to agree with the others here. As a survivor myself, I know the pain it's caused, and that has led me to make some VERY bad decisions in my life. In the end, though, they were MY decisions, and I have to take responsibility for them and the chaos they have (or may have) caused.

Your husband, he survived something horrible. This, however doesn't excuse his behavior or absolve him from the results of same. Yes, I don't blame you for wanting to help him, to stick it out with him. He probably is a good man who's done some very bad things. i don't know. But he HAS hurt you, he HAS endangered himself AND you, whether he'll admit it or not, and he has to be held accountable for his actions.

These things can be worked out, worked through, and relationships can end up stronger than they were before. You have to be ready, however, for a boatload of work and tears to come along with it. It may not seem that it can get worse, but it can and both of you, ALL of you, must be ready for it.

Now, it all sounds negative, but it can, and probably will if you both want it to, lead to a healthy, loving relationship based on honesty, compassion, and mutual respect. The first part is for him to see how much the abuse has damaged him and heal from it.

At the same time, though, he has to realize how much pain you're in and how much YOU have been hurt by his bad decisions. At this point, he may not want to hear this, but soon I think he'll need to see what he's done to you and your son. He also has to make restitution for the damage. I've borrowed this right out of the AA manual, and self-destructive behavior of all types should be addressed in this manner. Self-destructive behavior is seldom just SELF-destructive. Others get hurt along the way.

I wish you well and all of you will be in my thoughts.

Peace and love,

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#61152 - 07/22/04 10:59 AM Re: SCREAMING INSIDE
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Quote:

My husband of a year and a half basically told me that our time together was a lie and he used me . He was sleeping with multiple partners,,men and women. He lied and lies to me on a semi consistent basis....
Back to this point of your initial thread - for some reason which I cant explain, some times survivors say horrible shit like this and it just blows my mind.. my fiance has said all kinds of shit to me and deep down he has admitted much later that he didnt really mean it, but he did admit that he was really trying to hurt me (which he did). So be aware that even though he DID say that your time together was a lie.. it may not be true. He may indeed have deep feelings for you and is so afraid that he tries to push you away... in any way possible.. including telling you that your whole time together was a lie.

I know the betrayal is so fresh in your mind that its hard to look at anything else. But what he said is likely more about his own fears of being close to you and his own, abuse-tainted way of creating distance because being so close to ANYONE is just so scary.

Anyhow i cant fully prove why survivors say horrible stuff like that.. thats just my own theory I wrote.. it still baffles the hell out of me most days.

And just because he's been abused it doesnt mean that saying whatever he wants is acceptable behaviour by any means, and I know all too well how long it takes to get over hearing such hurtful words. I'm kind of getting over a recent bout of that stuff too.. my fiance told me this weekend (we are planning on getting married in 9 weeks) that he is not sure if he can accept all of my "faults".. but at least he's not calling me a bitch anymore.. that was months and months ago and that still stings..... and is COMPLETELY unacceptable in my books. Either he is with me and he loves me or he's not.. and I put that to him on the weekend.

As per my post on your other thread - these are the cases where you have every RIGHT to state what is acceptable and what is not and what you will take and what you not. When my fiance called me a bitch the last time I looked him square in the face and said "from who and how did you learn that's acceptable behaviour... because in MY world, thats completely unacceptable".. and then I walked away... of I course crumbled into tears once I was out of visual and hearing range, but I managed to mostly hold my dignity while he could see and hear me. I do think he heard me crying later though....

Getting through all of this shit teaches you a whole hell of a lot about yourself.. how strong you really are.. stay the course, fight the good fight and dont lose yourself.

P


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#61153 - 07/22/04 08:24 PM Re: SCREAMING INSIDE
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
So June 1st my life was changed upside down forever
And im dying inside and I dont know what to do.
Take care of youyrself and your son.


I dont know how to deal with my anger
Try to find a positive way to do it.


My husband of a year and a half basically told me that our time together was a lie and he used me .
You have been victimized by your husband.

He was sleeping with multiple partners,,men and women. He lied and lies to me on a semi consistent basis.
He lied to you. He used you. He endangered your personal health and well being.

what the hell and just the week before the 1st of June everything was good and wonderful and we were just starting to reestablish our relationship again,,
It obviously wasnít good from what you have said. He made you believe that it was.

How do I deal with this?
Any way that you can.


We have a little boy together I have devoted myself to our life and our marriage only to find out that it was allllll a lie
Your top priority right now should be taking care of yourself so that you will be able to take care of your son.

and now recently it came out about 3 weeks ago that we was a victim of some terrible crimes of SA and I dont know how to react to that,,,
It does not justify how you were treated.


I mean that explains the self destructive behavior and him sleeping with everyone that comes along the hiding the lying and the cheating right right RIGHT?
NO!!!!!! It is a bad excuse, a validation in his mind, and now yours, for how he treated you. You do not deserve to be treated the way that you have been.


I want to stick this out and I want to be there for him in his pain and be his shoulder to lay his head on and be safe and I want him to confide in me ..
That is your choice to make. Taking advantage of feelings and compassion from people who care about them is common amongst abusers.


But GOD , what about me what about how he has put me through hell
Yes, he has. You need to take care of you right now.


But I want a good life for our son I want him to have both of us all the time and I believe in the good fight and sticking it out and making it through the storm,, why get divorced if you hit a roaddblock ,, to me that is too easy to just give up and walk away
A bad home promoting abuse is not good for your son.


There has not been a day that has gone by in the last 8 weeks that i havent thought in my mind,, I just want to die and or I wish I never would have met him then I would not be going through this right now my life would be different
Most people who are victimized by someone who they love and trust think that they would rather be dead than what they are feeling. Wishing that things were different is normal too. Wishing that it never happened is normal too.

and then I am ashamed becasue we would not have our perfect little son
All of these thoughts are the conflicts which we talk about and describe that cause the minds of victims to split. These are just the ďtapesĒ that repeatedly play. These contradicting thoughts are what causes the mind to split and dissociations to form.


And I feel like I am going CRAZY,, we have been going to therapy and it seems all we focus on is what happened to him and what he needs to do to fix himself,,
You NEED to take care of yourself.


Dont mind the fact taht he just destroyed my life at the wink of an eye.
You need to decide what you want to do with your life right now.

And that there is an innocent bystander ((our son)) who is too young to understand what is going on,,
The cycle of abuse causes many secondary innocent people to be hurt. How old is he? I know a 4 year old that has had nightmares for a year because of something like this.


And he tells me he does not know if we can work this out and then tells me he wants to try and then retreats onto his laptop 80% of the time he is home,,
What do you want? You are literally being torn into 3 directions.

Mind you his laptop was his gateway drug, he used it to "hook up" with different men and women and on top of that I found his message archive where he told people terrible things about me as a justification to go out and screw around,,I hate that laptop,,
Abusers try to justify their actions. He may have even tried to create problems, to force things to be bad, just so that he could justify his actions. If he did, that is part of what is called self-defeating behavior.


I dont know what to beleive now when he opens his mouth,, how am i supposed to trust him again?
This will cause both of you many problems and you BOTH need to address it individually and together.


I cant even trust my own judgement because for the last year and 1/2 I thought he was a different person. He has made me DOUBT MYSELF
Yes. That is one of the large side effects of abuse. You canít trust him, and you arenít sure if you can trust yourself.


I was a good wife and a good mother I tried and tried and now in the end I get violently mentally and emotionally abused because my husband went through these horrible experiences
You got abused because your husband abused you. You justifying what he did to you by what happened to him would be no better than you going out and doing it to someone else because he did it to you.


Im angry at him IM angry at the SICK FUCKS out there that have no concious when they perform their horrible acts on children,,
Yes. Your anger in both of those directions is justified. You forgot one place that you are probably angry, with yourself. The first one to get rid of is anger toward yourself if you do have it. It is not your fault that he did these things to you.

Im angry at life ,, im angry because I dont know if my husband is gonna get over this.
Your husband should have been doing something about this a long time ago.


How do I live with this person that has done these things to me because of the things that have been done to him.
Stop trying to justify his actions toward you. He NEEDS to fully acknowledge what his actions were and how they effect you.


Where does the cycle end,,
With you. Here and now.


who do I get to hold accountable for the hurt and pain that my husband brought into my life,,,
Accountable, Your husband.


Because for some reason , Because the whole SA thing came up I dont feel like my husband gets to be held responsible anymore ,,becauase he would not be this way if he would not have been SA?
He would not be this way if he did what he needed to do for himself, for you, and for his family.


I feel like I am going crazy,,,
What is out there for me to hold on to because right now there is nothing.
Amongst other things, there is hope.


He found this site and it has really helped him I guess ,,part of me believes that this is good and then part of me believes that ths is another way for him to retreat from reality again and to avoid taking care of the real issues and then part of me this and part of me that,,,
This double thought process is exactly what I mentioned earlier (it is actually a triple thought process). ALL of these things need to be addressed as soon as possible. You need to find help for yourself right now before this causes more permanent damage to you than it already has.


I swear i feel like im going nuts ,, what about the wives the girlfriends ,, the women who have been there been good and honest and loyal supporters of their husband boyfriends only to find out that there is this darkness that exists in their partner and there is nothing we can do?
Take a step back and look at the entire situation from a calm objectionable, viewpoint. Decide what you want, what you are willing to do to get it, and what you are willing to give to get it.


Is there anything?
Take care of yourself.


My husband gets to work on being healed and gets to work on himself now because it has come full circle and now it is time to deal with it
Just because he has decided that he has hurt enough people now to face the fact that there is something wrong does not make everything ok.


But what about the damage he has done to me and this marriage.
He needs to be held accountable for it. He needs to know and see what his actions have done. He needs to understand that his justifications for doing it are not acceptable.


He is not telling me he is smoke and mirrors and now he has retreated into this shell and I only get to see bits and pieces,, where do I get to focus my anger and hurt because of the damage he has done because of the damamge that was inflicted on him ?
He has now inflicted the same damage to you, just in a slightly different way.


IS THERE ANY HOPE
Yes.

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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#61154 - 07/22/04 08:28 PM Re: SCREAMING INSIDE
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Quote:
for some reason which I cant explain, some times survivors say horrible shit like this and it just blows my mind..
I did this, I hope it was no more than redirecting my anger - in the wrong direction. I know that I always felt guilty the moment the words came out, but I was committed then and just carried on.
Maybe I felt so bad I wanted everyone else to feel the same way?

As for the sexual behaviours, the many partners, I feel that Survivors doing this are acting out, and there's not usually any kind of emotional attachment or attraction to that person, hell - I didn't even get their names !
But it's a huge leap of faith for a partner to accept this I know, and it's also easy for someone to use CSA as an excuse.
That's a matter of trust between the couple, and the willingness of the Survivor to overcome those acting out behaviours.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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