Newest Members
Stormchaser, johnnyc717, bluebook, Roscoe, SJC
12314 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
blueturtle (46), David C (40), DavidC (40), Derdlecar (61), Hector (54)
Who's Online
2 registered (tbkkfile, Robert Barrett), 20 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12314 Members
74 Forums
63359 Topics
443045 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 2 of 4 < 1 2 3 4 >
Topic Options
#6091 - 04/16/03 05:47 PM Re: What is your story?
RJD Offline
Member

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 326
Loc: jefferson City, Mo,usa
sickpuppy my heart goes out to the terrorized little boy in you. You did NOT deserve any of that treatment. Where were the "authorities." Your experience sure tapped my protective anger and rage toward your mother. My mother did not do what yours did, though we both didn't experience a mother that had any concern for our well being. However in your case it is a gross understatement. She went at you with a vengeance that was in no way about you, but you got it anyway.

If you're not there yet, I hope you can soon learn how to comfort the child in you that has had little if any experience with that kind of gentle comforting. My fellow survivors teach me what gentleness looks like.

there is a saying in the 12-step support group for incest survivors that,"If any one of can recover, than so can all of us."

Thank you sick puppy and sum1sun for sharing the agony that is in the deepest part of your hearts.

You as well as others here are "Men among men" for the kind of courage you have shown by sharing and exposing your pain in your heart of hearts, the way you have here. I for one feel very very honored and far less alone.


Top
#6092 - 04/16/03 08:29 PM Re: What is your story?
ecb Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/04/03
Posts: 205
There has been an incredible amount of strength show here by those that have posted thier stories. Hopefully it is a helpful step towards their healing, and that of those who read it.

My own story is much less severe than most here. At times it makes me feel like I'm simply feeling sorry for myself. ("What right to I have to complain, I had it easy. These poor guys went through real hell.") Nevertheless, I shall put my story here and share with you all as you have shared.

Fair warning, THIS MAY BE TRIGGERING

Very recently I learned that I was abused when I around two years old by the man my mother was living with. I do not have any direct memories of this, but in disclosing the abuse I do remember to my mother she told me about it. Apparently when she was changing my diaper I flipped out and was yelling "No! No suck!" And my mother eventually got out of me who was doing it. When confronted he simply replied that I was lying. Thankfully my mother realized that a two year old would not have the ability to lie about such a think and promply left him and moved out.

I have no idea if this abuse affected me as a young child or not. I really don't recall much of my early childhood.

The abuse I do recall happened when I was about 8 or so. We had moved from New Jeresy when I was 7 and I did not adjust well to the move. I did poorly in school, and failed the second grade. My mother was working swing shifts, and was often away at really odd hours, so she would often leave me with her friend, who had four kids of her own.

I don't recall where the idea to go to school with her kids after the summer (it was a different school district, so a different elementry school) came from, but I remember I begged my mother to let me do it and she agreed.

This meant that I would spend many nights at thier house (the ones where my mom's schedule would not allow her to drop me off at school, which were a fair amount.) This suited me fine because it was other kids to play with. Kind of like having brothers and sisters.

Not long after I began staying there the eldest of the boys, whom I really looked up to like a big brother, began to abuse me. He was around 14-15 I think. It started small, he wanted to have a hickey to claim to his friends a girl gave it to him and could I help him out. I didn't want to, and told him so, but he convinced me to anyway.

To this day I wonder, if I had stuck to my guns and refused would it have stopped there? I don't know.

Eventually he began wanting to play "games." I still didn't want to, but I never voiced my objection these times. I just acquiesed. (sp?) He never threatened me or hurt me physically though, and would let me hang around with him and his friends. I was the "cool little kid." Unlike other little kids who were irritating.

Though this probably goes without saying I never told anyone about the abuse, but my mom has said that I used to tell her that the younger boy was picking on me and I didn't want to go back.

This went on for about a year, and then his father was killed in an accident. His mother (my mom's friend) understandibly could not even handle her own kids after that (I think she got family to help her with them) and I returned to my own home and school district.

Life went on, except that I my anger problems got much worse, and though my grades were okay, I got into quite a bit of trouble because of my anger. I was not a bully, though I was a target of a few at first. I kept to myself and read, but when someone would try to bully me or push me around I would snap and beat them up. I remember once in third grade someone said something to me and I threw and entire desk at her. (Thankfully I missed.)

My mom took me to a T, but she concluded that I was angry because my mom had boyfriends and wasn't spending enough time with me. A waste of money in my moms opinion, and the end of the T.

When I was fourteen my mother met a man and let him move in with us. I have mentioned that situation in the thread about staying in a marriage for the kids but I will copy it here again:

When I was fourteen years old my mother allowed her boyfriend to move in with her. He was an alcoholic, emotionally abusive and I fully belive would have been physically abusive towards my mother had I not stepped in. The one time he pushed her I beat the ever-loving shit out of him with a large club and informed him in no uncertian terms that I would kill him if he ever touched him again.

He lived with my mother for nine years, and I every day I spent in that house was a complete hell comprised of the most bitter, angry, drunken fights every single night of the week (on both sides. My mother would often drink out of anger and frustration of dealing with him.) Not a day went by after I beat him that I didn't kick myself for not killing him when I had the chance.


I was a very angry teenager, but by now everyone had learned to not to mess with me. Once in a while, someone would get the bright idea to give it a try, and a fist fight was usually the result. They were fairly minimal though, as word got around pretty quickly.

When I was sixteen I began to remember the abuse. I had never totally forgotten it, but I now realize that I had pushed it aside and ignored it. Probably in the hopes that it would go away.

Now that I was remembering the abuse in fullness I tried to just push it aside again. It did not work. I grew angrier and depressed. The situation at home was certainly not helping either. As I have mentioned previously on the board I tried to hang myself once during this time. The hook I secured the belt from was not very strong though, and it broke.

Eventually I went to college. Even though it was only twenty minutes from my house, I made it a point to live on campus. I knew that living in home would be intolerable.

Though nervous and frequently depressed, I began to do much better, and was angry far less. Once in a while if I get really riled up it's not pretty, but I don't get riled as easily anymore.

A my junior year I began to become incredibly depressed again, and the memories of my abuse began hitting me incredibly hard. Eventually, after several of my friends who were concerned I was going to hurt myself intervened I went to a school counseler and begin to confront my SA issues.

Last year the younger brother of the person who abused me died. I went to the viewing for a few minutes. I don't know why. I suppose I wanted to see my perp. To see what kind of man he grew into. But I chickened out and left before I saw him.

I didn't get the bright idea to check for online resources until this year, and I am so glad that I found this site.

I'm sorry this turned out so long. I'll shut up now. \:\) Thank you for "listening."

-Eric


Top
#6093 - 04/16/03 10:33 PM Re: What is your story?
guy43 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/17/02
Posts: 450
Loc: Minnesota
although i haven't shared a lot about my story here, i have in therapy. i've found it needs telling over and over and over. i'm still in the midst of getting past the pain but it is happening. with time and the retelling of my story it's gotten to be a bit less difficult to share or i should say now i'm beginning to realize the horror of it. i don't discount the sa and neglect as much as i used to. it's also becoming a bit easier to accept that it happened to me and not fall into the hole of self pity and depression as much. even the feelings, as f****'in bad as they get, I've learned that it passes. I can make choices now whether i'm willing to let them rule my life or not.

telling takes some of the power away from our abusers. it's hard to break the silence but it's the only way i know to heal. when people here don't freak and condemn me here (as i expect them to) for who i am and what i say, it gives me a bit more strength to do more.

telling our story takes some of the shame away when others can say "i know" and they actually do, and they remind me it's not my shame, it's my perp's shame i'm carrying for him.

we can't really understand another human being's pain. using a measuring stick to compare stories is a useless exercise of the ego... i had it worse, i didn't have it as bad, therefore .

for me, it's more than enough to have a brotherhood of survivors i belong to, i'm qualified enough to join the club. the last thing i need to be doing is comparing myself to others here. I've done that so much in my life, its time for me to stop that. i'm not sure i would have choosen this particular club to belong to given the choice. but i wonder, would I be able to enjoy what good and beauty i see if i didn't?

jer


Top
#6094 - 04/18/03 12:37 AM Re: What is your story?
RJD Offline
Member

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 326
Loc: jefferson City, Mo,usa
Another saying in the 12-step group for survivors was that it only had to happen once for the damage to be done. For me, after that , it was just more of the same terror and devastating shame.

------ be gentle with yourselves


Top
#6095 - 04/18/03 05:49 AM Re: What is your story?
guy43 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/17/02
Posts: 450
Loc: Minnesota
good point RJD. whether once, or a lifetime of abuse, the devastation to our psychology is real.

jer


Top
#6096 - 04/18/03 04:12 PM Re: What is your story?
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
RJD, Jer:

Gotta agree with you bros.

I've become rather straightforward in the telling of my story. Sometimes people tell me what they went thru seems so small compared to what I went thru. I'm getting over feeling guilty about that becuz I know I don't mean to demean anyone & the horror they went thru, and I hope no one takes it that way.

Trauma is traumatizing to each person according to their unique makeup, character, upbringing, support then & now, and so much more. These things
just cannot be measured in terms of amounts. What seems trivial to some may be horribly traumatizing
to others. What seems major to some may not seem to affect others as badly.

Trauma is trauma. Abuse is abuse.

SA is soul murder. A soul can only die once.

But it can rise up & live on too!

No matter who you are, what abuse you've suffered.

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

Top
#6097 - 04/18/03 04:46 PM Re: What is your story?
Sleepy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/08/02
Posts: 288
Loc: Arizona, USA
Quote:
I'm getting over feeling guilty about that becuz I know I don't mean to demean anyone & the horror they went thru, and I hope no one takes it that way.
I don't think anyone would take it that way. I feel like my experience was rather trivial compared to yours but the results have been very similar. Fortunatly we've been able to cross paths here in this unique medium and that's all that matters for me. We're here to help each other.
mike

_________________________
"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."
--Ursula K. Le Guin

"Mental health is a commitment to reality at all times."
--M. Scott Peck

Top
#6098 - 04/18/03 07:12 PM Re: What is your story?
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Brother Mike, thanks & right on!

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

Top
#6099 - 04/19/03 06:11 PM Re: What is your story?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
RJD

Quote:
that it only had to happen once for the damage to be done.
This is so true, there is no league table for abuse.
It's all destructive no matter what went on or how often it happened.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

Top
#6100 - 04/19/03 09:58 PM Re: What is your story?
Sleepy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/08/02
Posts: 288
Loc: Arizona, USA
Dave,
The sad thing is that it is so easy to dismiss your experience if it only happened once. Think about how many guys (or girls for that matter) that had it happen just once and never have viewed it for what it really was. I bet there are way too many out there to even count.
mike

_________________________
"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."
--Ursula K. Le Guin

"Mental health is a commitment to reality at all times."
--M. Scott Peck

Top
Page 2 of 4 < 1 2 3 4 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.