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#61115 - 11/27/00 09:31 PM marriage troubles
Shelby Offline
Member

Registered: 11/27/00
Posts: 36
Loc: Littleton,CO USA
About two months ago I found out that my husband was sexually abused as a child. We have only been married for about a year, and I found out about it because he was spending a lot of time on the internet and I caught him one night and asked him what he was doing, he lied and said nothing and then it came out that he was looking at porn, and I also found out he has an e-mail address that he's been keeping from me. His sexual interest in me is almost none and there is very little affection either (hugging,kissing) he has gone to counseling three times but doesn't want to go back and I am about to go crazy. Nobody else knows that this has happened to hime and he has been carrying it around for 30 years. If there is anyone out there that can help me understand what he is going through and how our marriage can be saved I would greatly appreciate it.

Thanks


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#61116 - 11/28/00 07:33 AM Re: marriage troubles
tinker Offline
Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 32
Hi Shelby,
If you have read the post between Marsha and I (it is long) titled HELP you will see that your situations may have some similarities. Not to say that your husband would cheat on you but I am sure it feels like it with the porn. I know the fear that you are dealing with and the painful distance he is creating between you. I don't have a full understanding yet of what goes on in the mind and heart of a survivor because my husband has not connected the dots for me. If you husband is willing he should seek out a specialized therapist dealing specifically with sexual trauma. Neil on this board has told me anything else is a waste of time, and it may take a few different ones until finding someone he is comfortable with. The book "victims no longer" is very insightful and helped me to understand the basic pattern of behavior I have witnessed in my husband and you may see the same. Keep the lines of communication open!

I may not be a good person to depend on for support as I am divorcing my husband for reasons you will read under HELP. Marsha is a very strong woman who is fighting for her marriage and with the help of GOD is able to support her husband through this hell.

I hope faith in your relationship will guide you and your husband through this journey gently but prepare for some waves.

sending you strength and Love,
Tink


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#61117 - 11/28/00 05:47 PM Re: marriage troubles
Shelby Offline
Member

Registered: 11/27/00
Posts: 36
Loc: Littleton,CO USA
Hello Tink:

I read your correspondence with Marsha and there are a lot of similarities, The weirdest thing for me to figure out is when we were first together we had sex and foreplay alot and then things started to go downhill. Then I started to do some thinking and his jobs involves working with teen age boys that have been abused and abandoned and I am sure that it sparks back memorories. My mininster referred him to a counselor that specializes in this but he is having a real hard time going, and when he does go and he gets "homework" to do, he doesn't even do that. It is so frustrating because I came from a marriage where my ex was emotionallya abusive and controlling and we never communicated and I feel like this time I am always doing the talking and it ends up only until there are threats of leaving or separating does he do anything. He works 4 nights a week and with my job we see each other maybe 25 hours and out of that he will do anything but spend time with me. I want to be there to support him but I also have to take care of myself and right now I feel as if he his a person that helps pay the bills and nothing else. When I have asked him if he is going to go back to the counselor he says probably not, but I know 3 times isn't going to solve matters. I guess I have rambled on enough, it's just nice being able to talk to someone about this. I hope things are going better for you.

Shelby


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#61118 - 11/30/00 07:17 AM Re: marriage troubles
MARSHA Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 24
SHELBY,
I'M SO GLAD THAT YOU FOUND THIS SITE. I KNOW THAT YOU HAVE READ THE "STORIES" BETWEEN TINKER AND I. THIS SITE HAS BEEN SUCH A BLESSING FOR ME. YOU KNOW THE HISTORY OF ME AND MY HUSBAND, AND I DID GO TO A THERAPIST A FEW TIMES, IT WAS AN OLDER MAN WHO DID SPECIALIZED IN THIS, BUT HAD NEVER EXPERIENCED THIS. I FELT FRUSTRATED AND UNCOMFORABLE DISCUSSING MY SITUATION WITH ANYONE. THIS SITE HAS BEEN SAFE FOR ME, AND THROUGH GOD AND HARD WORK, I DO FEEL LIKE MY MARRAIGE AS A SECOND CHANCE.

TINKER IS TOO KIND TO SAY THAT I HAVE BEEN STRONG, SHE HAS HELPED ME UNBELIEVABLY! I HOPE THAT THE TWO OF US CAN DO THE SAME FOR YOU. I DO THINK THERE ARE A FEW KEYS FOR A SECOND CHANCE FOR MARRAIGES. FIRST BOTH PARTNERS HAVE TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO MAKE IT WORK--THAT INCLUDES THERAPY FOR YOUR HUSBAND. THERAPY IS THE SECOND KEY. HE NEEDS TO GO BACK AND DIG UP THOSE HORRIFIC FEELINGS THAT HE EXPERIENCED AND BURRIED. LASTLY, GOD IS THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN MEND ALL THINGS. I'M NOT GOING TO PREACH TO YOU, ALL I WILL SAY IS THAT HE IS IN CONTROL OF EVERYTHING AND HE CAN FIX ANYTHING IF WE WORK AT IT. HE WILL ALSO GIVE YOU PEACE IN YOUR HEART, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS. THAT'S ALL I WILL SAY ABOUT THAT.

HANG IN THERE, KEEP IN TOUCH.
MARSHA


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#61119 - 12/01/00 04:19 AM Re: marriage troubles
Neil Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/00
Posts: 81
Loc: Millersville, MD, USA
Shelby, I hope you don't mind a man's point of view. First of all, it is extremely important that he continue his therapy. There are so many issues that he just can't work through alone. The book that Tink mentioned will help you both. Sometimes we men (being the Mr. Fixits that we are) want to do this on our own. We have a hard time admitting that we really need help. Society in general has taught us that we can't show our weaknesses. We are not allowed to cry. We are not allowed to be vulnerable. Until your husband understands that these are OK he will have a hard time dealing with this. If he didn't like the therapist that he went to find another. And another until he finds someone that can truly help. I want to try and tiptoe through the sexual issue. When I was abused it was stimulating and dangerous. I knew what my abuser was doing to me was wrong but it felt good so I kept allowing it to happen and in some cases sought it out. I grew up with a twisted view of sex and intimacy because of the "dangerous" part. I think (and this is only my opinion) that as an adult I was drawn to dangerous sex.(an affair, porn, etc.) It had nothing to do with my wife. It had to do with my conditioning as a child. I make no excuses for what I did. It was wrong, very wrong. But my wife and I both have an understanding as to why this happened. She has chosen to forgive (not forget) and we have moved on. There would have been no way though that she would have forgiven me had I not made a very strong effort to seek help. I'll be happy to answer any questions you may have from a man's perspective. Good luck. I hope you and your husband find the right avenue for healing. Neil (somdcatman@aol.com)


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#61120 - 12/01/00 08:37 AM Re: marriage troubles
walldestructer Offline
Member

Registered: 12/01/00
Posts: 5
Loc: Boston, MA
I agree with Neil. My bf recently "acted out" and but for his decision to see a counselor, and how lucky are we that he gets to see Mike Lew, author of Victims No Longer, I would have been long gone. I don't how he will resolve his sexual confusion, I just hold onto faith that our love will win over this. It is not easy.


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#61121 - 12/04/00 02:14 PM Re: marriage troubles
tinker Offline
Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 32
Hi Shelby & Walldestructor

Just checking in to see how you are both coping (progressing hopefully), any positive steps in your Husband or boyfriends recovery?

Walldestructor, you & your boyfriend are Extremely fortunate to be counseled my Mike Lew, does he allow your participation in the sessions too? Does he use new methods or strictly by the book?

Tink


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#61122 - 12/04/00 07:03 PM Re: marriage troubles
Shelby Offline
Member

Registered: 11/27/00
Posts: 36
Loc: Littleton,CO USA
Hi Tink,

Well my husband has switched counselors and will be going to his new one on this Thurs. I am hoping that this will help him. Our marriage is really shaky right now and I am going crazy. I'll keep you posted

Shelby


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#61123 - 12/04/00 08:52 PM Re: marriage troubles
walldestructer Offline
Member

Registered: 12/01/00
Posts: 5
Loc: Boston, MA
Tinker:

Right now, this he is going solo. The orientation issue is huge and I think its better he do this on his own, for now. It is terrifying because we have straight days, bi days, bi/gay days and oh my God he's gay days. No shame in any of these, I just would like my boyfriend to be clear in who he is and if he's gay, I'll move on. It is a rollercoaster. And wearing me down.

Mike Lew sees him every week and group therapy has been suggested which I believe is consistent with Victims No Longer.

Keep your fingers crossed. I pray nightly.

Shelby:

If I have any advice, the rollercoaster will pass, but then will come doubts and confusion and I am not sure if orientaion confusion is part of your issues, but that wreaks havoc too. Am I pleasing him? am I triggering him? Should we have sex? Is he an addict? It gets awful. To the extent you can limit your discussions to VERY trusted friends and these forums. Things change so rapidly and are so confusing, its hard to take back what you say one day and then the next. When he went through a wierd stage, I was near hysteria and told too many people. He felt betrayed (though I have refrained from unleashing my anger at 20 years of a betrayal) but I feel guilty about it. people did not need to know. But I am human, and it was extraordinarily painful. I can only move forward and do damage control.

Anyway,

try to have faith that you will get through this. It is difficult. very difficult. But sadly, you are not alone, so many couples are going through this.

WD


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#61124 - 12/05/00 12:22 PM Re: marriage troubles
Shelby Offline
Member

Registered: 11/27/00
Posts: 36
Loc: Littleton,CO USA
Those are the same feelings that I am going through. We have sex maybe once a month, but it's like quick get it over with and go to bed. He won't let me see him and we have no intimate moments at all. As far as the bi/gay thing I am not sure if that is part of his issues too. I had heard it on the streets that he was gay, but also heard it was something his ex-wife started, and I also know that he worked for a man that was bisexual so I don't know if he ever had anything with him. But my question is, if he isn't gay why is there absolutely no intimacy. After he told me about what happened when he was younger I could understand why he didn't enjoy some of the things that we shared, but no sex at all is what is so strange. There is nothing I can do to "spark" the mood, and like you said it makes my self esteem go down hill. I am glad I have found this place to talk because I have only shared it with two of my closest friends, but they have no idea of what I am going through.. Thanks for listening

Shelby


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