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#61105 - 04/01/06 04:34 AM When do you throw in the towel?
Savannah Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/23/05
Posts: 13
Husband and I have been dealing w/ the after-effects of his abuse for 1 1/2 years now. We're separated by his choice and I see no end in sight. Does anyone else have to live in limbo like this?

I have no interest in leaving him or dating anyone else. I want to support him (especially since he's always been there for me) and I love him more than the day we married. But sometimes I feel like I'm waiting for a life that will never happen.

Any advice?


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#61106 - 04/01/06 08:05 AM Re: When do you throw in the towel?
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Savannah,

Do you two talk about this? Maybe you need to ask him what he wants. If he doesn't know, then you have to decide how much of this you can take. Let him know that you still love him and that the abuse wasn't his fault, but if he wants to save the relationship he has to do his part as well. I would not put this in any threatening way, since threats are a bad way to get good results. Just stress that you want a genuinely loving relationship, and as the saying goes, it takes two to tango.

Ultimately it's you who will have to decide what signs of progress you need to see in order not to give up and move on. It's a tough call and I wish you all the best as you work on this. Just remember that through all this mess you have to care for YOU as well.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#61107 - 04/03/06 03:36 AM Re: When do you throw in the towel?
blueyes25 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/24/06
Posts: 15
Savannah,

I too, know what it is like to live in limbo hell. I have been there for almost a year - it keeps you constantly feeling unstable, insecure, and lonely. It is not a fun place to be, which is why I think many say that it is lonely to be a partner of a survivor. I don't have a lot of advice to offer, but I can certainly understand your feelings. You are defintely not alone.

I think the best ally you have is yourself! Right now, I have been pushed away - AGAIN...but the difference this time, is that I am taking care of myself and doing what is right for me. In my case, it happens to be my goals and my career. A bonus is the fact that I get to leave the situation for 9 months. I think this will allow me to heal and allow him to have his space. Who knows where we will be then - I am a little afraid, but I know I am doing the right thing for me. I am hoping that this helps me recieve the answer to your question.

In all honesty, I agree with Larry - you have to decide what is best for you. There is no quick fix to this and you have to decide if this is truly what you want to deal with for the rest of your life. As trite as it may sound, there ARE other fish in the sea and there are other keys to happiness. (at least I think so) \:\)

*hugs*

Blue


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#61108 - 04/03/06 03:36 AM Re: When do you throw in the towel?
blueyes25 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/24/06
Posts: 15
P.S. I also know what it's like to feel like you are waiting for a life that may never happen. I want to support my survivor as well - but how can you if they keep you at a distance??? I too know what it is like to not want to date anyone else - to not be interested - that is why I am doing other things to keep me occupied and fulfilled. Again, I have no answers but I am hoping that in time I will know what is best for me.


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#61109 - 04/03/06 08:44 PM Re: When do you throw in the towel?
TRACYUK Offline
Member

Registered: 09/23/05
Posts: 178
That must be so hard and I can empathise with the loneliness, although we were only apart for 3 months. Would he be willing to set some goals that you could share, so that at least you are moving in the same direction albeit slowly?

Good luck, as the others have said, look after you, its easy to forget your own needs when theres are so painful.

Love

Tracy


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#61110 - 04/03/06 08:47 PM Re: When do you throw in the towel?
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Savannah

No one can possibily tell you when it's time to throw in the towel. Only the two people in the relationship know whether that relationship is worth fighting for and if it is, then they both have to fight for it.

If you and your husband are both willing to do that, then my vote is to stick it out. If only one of you, and it really doesn't matter which one it is, is prepared to take steps forward, then some hard choices have to be made.

Just my two cents.

ROCK ON..........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#61111 - 04/04/06 06:09 PM Re: When do you throw in the towel?
Caetel Offline
Member

Registered: 11/05/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Paris, France
Dear Savannah
Sorry to hear about your pain. For my part, I threw when V's acting out was so bad that it actually put my life in danger. I was always hoping because I loved him so much and I still love him. It took me more than a year to recover, I cried for days and the crying was coming back regularly. I even dreamt once that our baby died (though we never had a baby or even had sex together). I miss him and I think about him every day. I have slowly come out of the fog of sadness and pain. I am dating someone now and we are both taking in very slowly. It taking me a long time to trust my new bf A. because V treated me so bad with his acting out at the end of our relationship. I am learning also to rebuild my confidence and trust.
Throwing towel was never a choice it was a wake call to just save my life and sanity. I was there by his side all the time but he never saw that or believed it was true, I was true.
Good luck
Caro

_________________________
Mitakuye oyasin ! We are all related !

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#61112 - 04/07/06 02:37 AM Re: When do you throw in the towel?
Savannah Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/23/05
Posts: 13
Just a little update...

After a very long conversation, my husband told me that he's afraid to go back to me because he's not sure that he'll be happy. Right now he enjoys his freedom without worrying that I'll be jealous or possessive. He's also concerned that if he decides to pursue a different orientation, that it will be easier on both of us if he's not "with" me.

What do you guys think about this?


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#61113 - 04/07/06 10:39 AM Re: When do you throw in the towel?
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Savannah,

I have to say that this doesn't sound very encouraging. Your husband is thinking only of himself, not of you at all, much less the two of you as a couple. It's all about HIS freedom, HIS happiness, HIS orientation.

He's basically telling you that you can't count on him to take any account of your needs or feelings. Does that sound like a situation you are prepared to accept? If not, how long are you prepared to wait for some changes? What if none are on offer? They certainly don't seem to be in the cards at this point.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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