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#61060 - 10/27/00 05:29 PM Help me understand
Paula Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/27/00
Posts: 2
Loc: Madison, WI USA
I just found out that the guy I've been seeing was abused by an older neighbor boy from the ages of 11-16. At first he said it was one rape attempt. Now, he has disclosed that it was long-term and involved oral contact (the boy to him--not back). My boyfriend says that he didn't know any better, he thought all guys did that with each other, and that the boy was teaching him about sexual stuff so it was fairly consensual (except for the young age). I'm confused. First, I wonder if he's bi because he did get aroused and do stuff consensually with another male. I also wonder if there is more to it because he wasn't honest with me at first, so I'm imagining all kinds of stuff (which he has denied). I was abused as a kid by my dad so I can't believe the stuff I'm thinking (blaming the victim, etc.) but I really don't understand how someone could be abused for so long, and at 16, and keep coming back for more? Please help me understand if there is a mindset that could allow all this to happen and still be a victim. I don't know why he told me if he wasn't, other than he is really tormented by it. He says he is not gay or bi at all, and he was just young, stupid, and easily persuaded by this boy who was four years older. Please advise.


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#61061 - 10/29/00 11:38 AM Re: Help me understand
Shelatowie Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 11
Loc: Pennsylvania, USA
Paula,
I just read your post right now and wish i had a chance to respond to you earlier. I am currently out of time and have other responcibilities right now but I will respond to you later this evening. I appologise for the late reply but I must finish my work first. Please forgive the delay, I will respond to your letter this evening.
Peace !
Shawn


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#61062 - 10/30/00 04:43 AM Re: Help me understand
Neil Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/00
Posts: 81
Loc: Millersville, MD, USA
Boy does this sound familiar. I was abused by an adult for several years starting at about age 12. I allowed it to continue and many times sought him out. I was torn between shame and excitement. I too wondered if I was bi because I allowed it to continue. I know now that I am not. When I began recovery I found out that my abuser had a powerful hold on my mind. That grasp continued long after the abuse stopped. The things your boyfriend have done are not at all unusual for an abused man. The shame of what happened to us will not allow us to be totally honest with anyone until we begin to heal. My story is posted on another web page if you are interested in reading it. It may give you some understanding of what we go through inside and what we do to ease the pain. You can find it at: http://spiritualsurvival.org I hope this will help you and you mate. Good luck.


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#61063 - 11/05/00 05:43 AM Re: Help me understand
Paula Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/27/00
Posts: 2
Loc: Madison, WI USA
Neil,

Thanks for your response to my post. I went to the website you recommended and read your story. It helped alot in understanding what my boyfriend went through. Best wishes to you.

Paula


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#61064 - 11/06/00 04:41 AM Re: Help me understand
Neil Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/00
Posts: 81
Loc: Millersville, MD, USA
Paula, You're welcome. Happy to help. Also if you or your boyfriend are readers then you might want to check out the book "Victims No Longer" by Mike Lew. It really helped me a great deal in the early stages of my recovery. It helped me understand that I was not alone and that many of the feelings that I was having are very common in abused males. It's just a suggestion but it might help you both. Good luck.


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