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#61030 - 03/28/06 06:35 PM seems so much harder when it's a parent
sadsister Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/24/06
Posts: 14
Loc: London UK
I do not mean to minimize anyone's experience. But it seems like CSA is so much tougher when the abusor was a parent. How do you go on to understand who you really are when the one person who was supposed to show you destroyed your childhood, adolescence...life?

I have such rage inside me. I wish this person were still alive so I could hurt him the way he hurt my brother, although I sadly know I would never come close.


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#61031 - 03/28/06 06:38 PM Re: seems so much harder when it's a parent
phoster Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/21/03
Posts: 758
Loc: ohio
i always felt the same way. i felt almost lucky, if that is the right word. at least in my case it was a stranger. i never have to see him again. even an uncle or something wouldnt be the same. i simply cannot imagine what those who were abused by parents have to deal with. i am so sorry for the pain you and your brother have to endure.

_________________________
compassion is a light even to the darkest soul

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#61032 - 03/28/06 10:28 PM Re: seems so much harder when it's a parent
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Sister
No, you're not minimizing anyones CSA at all, far from it.

I was abused out of my family, but I know some survivors personally that were abused within their families, and it is a very different experience.

I have many issues of being let down by people who should have cared for me, I was abused at school.
But I can't begin to imagine the difference if it had been one of my family.

To me, that is the greatest betrayal of all.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#61033 - 03/29/06 12:00 AM Re: seems so much harder when it's a parent
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
sadsister,

I will simply note that I agree with Dave. Surely the ultimate betrayal for a child would be to be abused by his own parent. How our brothers who cope with that manage to recover is simply beyond my imagination. I can only admire their strength and determination.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#61034 - 03/29/06 02:02 AM Re: seems so much harder when it's a parent
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 470
Loc: UK
I am not disagreeing with you about abuse by a parent, and your anger is totally justifiable. I can say as someone abused by a father that recovery is a real possibility, it still sort of feels like a miracle to me when I read the fog of misery and despair of my pre-recovery journals. I have a life now thatís still challenging and difficult in ways, but its one I am glad to be living which wasnít true before I started dealing with this. There is lots of hope for your brother and having such a supportive sister is bound to be very helpful.

Peter.


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#61035 - 03/29/06 04:41 PM Re: seems so much harder when it's a parent
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
sadsister,

My b/f was s/a by his mother and violently physically abused by both his mother and father. The depths of what he is now dealing with are astronomical.

While I have no proof, and he's never told me, I recently found out that my youngest brother was being groomed by an older man when he was a teenager. I was already married and out of the house when this was going on so until recently, when it came upon in conversation with my sister, I was clueless. This happened over 20 years ago. Knowing what I do now about csa, all kinds of warning lights were going off in my head.

If my instinct turns out to be correct - well, I don't know. I just know that I love my brother more than anything and I'll help him if he'll let me, whenever or if that may come to be.

You're in the most un-enviable place of trying to help your brother while also trying to ease your mother's guilt and protect her from your brother's misguided anger. You're a good sister, a good daughter and your pain is so brutal. Keep learning and it will help. My thoughts are with you.

ROCK ON........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#61036 - 03/30/06 05:10 AM Re: seems so much harder when it's a parent
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Thanks, Peter, for your post.

Recovery from SA by a parent is possible, although as those here have said, it presents a different set of challenges.

Sadsister, the people who were supposed to show your brother who he is, didn't-- but that doesn't have to mean that his Self is lost. He can find it, he can find other ways to help see. I wish him luck and courage.

SAR


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#61037 - 03/31/06 05:30 PM Re: seems so much harder when it's a parent
iansMe Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/18/04
Posts: 6
Loc: NC
Sadsister,

I too was abused by my own father and have had a difficult time getting past certain issues. I work with both a psychiatrist and a couselor and I feel better. But I agree with you, Sadsister, this is one of the hardest things to get past.


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#61038 - 04/01/06 05:15 AM Re: seems so much harder when it's a parent
JAAY Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/04
Posts: 115
Loc: NYC
It is sad but we do manage to carry on. I knew from a young age that my father was a bastard and I protected myself. I also protected my younger siblings as much as possible. I have made good decisions and surrounded myself with people who loved and support me. My recovery seems to be very painful at times but I am learning to act and live like an adult.


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#61039 - 04/01/06 05:33 AM Re: seems so much harder when it's a parent
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jaay,

I think your post sums it up, and in just four lines! Someone who was abused by a parent will have suffered the destruction of some pretty basic ideas about what "family" means, but even that terrible loss can be faced and conquered. As you put it, you have surrounded yourself with other people who love and support you. When you say you have made good decisions, I take that to mean you have been able to re-establish good boundaries.

You've laid down a solid foundation for recovery and you should be very proud of yourself. \:\)

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#61040 - 04/02/06 05:24 AM Re: seems so much harder when it's a parent
JAAY Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/04
Posts: 115
Loc: NYC
Larry,

Yes, it is about boundries. It is funny but I always would also say that person went too far. I now am see things somewhat different. I guesa it like that Kenny Rogers song "You go to know when to hold, when to threw them, know when to walk away and know when to run." I guess as abused boys we blamed are selves and would work hard to make things perfect but that does not wok in the adult world.


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#61041 - 04/02/06 08:24 AM Re: seems so much harder when it's a parent
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jaay,

Quote:
I guess as abused boys we blamed are selves and would work hard to make things perfect but that does not work in the adult world.
Maybe we could look at it this way. As abused boys we blamed ourselves and worked hard to make things perfect because we felt we needed to do that in order to make amends for being so worthless. If the abuser was a parent that feeling of worthlessness will be a crushing burden.

As adults we need to see that we always had worth and value; our task now is to accept those qualities and see what we can do with them.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#61042 - 04/02/06 03:33 PM Re: seems so much harder when it's a parent
JAAY Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/04
Posts: 115
Loc: NYC
Larry,

In reading your post I said to myself "Did I think that as a child?". I think that I did but was not able to process the message I was being given. For many years I felt "bad" despite the fact that I worked to do good things. Once when I was having dinner with my family I said "I am not a bad person". I guess I am still learning to give myself a break.


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#61043 - 04/02/06 03:47 PM Re: seems so much harder when it's a parent
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jaay,

Quote:
Once when I was having dinner with my family I said "I am not a bad person". I guess I am still learning to give myself a break.
Abuse filled our heads with a lot of junk bro, and you got it exactly right. We LEARN to get rid of it and give ourselves a break; that's just the way it always is - it doesn't just happen.

On striving for perfection, I'm not surprised you don't remember thinking of it in precisely these terms. We were frightened, traumatized and confused kids and I bet very little of our thoughts about the abuse was sorted out in the orderly rational way we try to think about things now.

It was all too overwhelming and painful. I know, for example, that I felt many things, but it was all an emotional tornado. My primary feelings were something like, "This is all so much and it hurts so bad. I am so scared and ashamed."

I think the first break we need to give ourselves is acceptance that we were just kids, innocent defenseless kids.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#61044 - 04/02/06 05:31 PM Re: seems so much harder when it's a parent
JAAY Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/04
Posts: 115
Loc: NYC
Larry,

It has taken me this long to get rid of it! I guess now I have to let go of my "old ways" of looking at myself. I wonder if there is some safety in not letting go? I think that that has be....change is hard when you have not been abused.


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#61045 - 04/02/06 05:56 PM Re: seems so much harder when it's a parent
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jaay,

I would say yes, eventually we have to let go of the old harmful and self-destructive ways of looking at ourselves. But we have to do it in a way that allows us still to feel safe. We have to do it as we feel able to do it and willing to face some new ideas and perspectives about being US.

You are of course absolutely right: change is hard.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#61046 - 04/03/06 03:01 AM Re: seems so much harder when it's a parent
JAAY Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/04
Posts: 115
Loc: NYC
Larry,

I guess you mean safe in relationships with other people? I no longer have the fear of being murder. I do know that I would not let others see the side of me that needed support, love and encouragement. I think that is changing....slowly and difficult at times.

Jaay


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#61047 - 04/03/06 12:08 PM Re: seems so much harder when it's a parent
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jaay,

What I meant was that as we dump the old destructive ways of looking at ourselves we have to do that in a way that allows us to keep pace by adding constructive and validating ways of assessing ourselves. If we try to move too fast we run the risk of leaving ourselves seriously exposed. That is in a way what happened to me last year. I was too anxious to get rid of the bad feelings about myself and I didn't have a regular T at the time. So for a time I felt entirely lost. I had rejected a lot of crap that had harmed me, but I had not yet replaced it with good ways of thinking that would help me. I felt very much adrift, isolated and insecure.

So when you say this:

Quote:
I think that is changing....slowly and difficult at times.
it seems to me you are on the right track. Small safe steps that endure are better than big jumps that may get us into difficulty.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#61048 - 04/03/06 09:40 PM Re: seems so much harder when it's a parent
JAAY Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/04
Posts: 115
Loc: NYC
Larry! Thanks for the note! I am feeling the way you describe youself last year. I also think that I am dealing with and planning a future for myself. This is something new. I never really have planned my own happiness somehow I always worried about others. I am learning that certain stressors are not worth the time and energy I invest in them. I think that stiking that balance is hard for me.


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#61049 - 04/04/06 12:03 AM Re: seems so much harder when it's a parent
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jaay,

Above all, remember that this is an entirely normal thing happening to you. You are okay!

I posted about this feeling late last year, when I did not yet understand what was happening to me. I felt like I was reinventing myself! It was like I had been living in a garbage dump for years, then suddenly the garbage began to disappear and I could see what lay beyond the dump. But the dump was what I knew, so it felt "safe"! It was disappearing too fast, and as I saw more and more of what lay beyond it, I felt more and more like I didn't know which direction to go or why. So the sudden dramatic progress, while I welcomed it, didn't help me because I didn't know what to do with it.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#61050 - 04/04/06 12:57 AM Re: seems so much harder when it's a parent
JAAY Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/04
Posts: 115
Loc: NYC
What you ae sharing with me makes sense. I think that I have been clinging to my old ways but I have they no longer serve me. I been thinking alot about why am I still going the extra mile when I have already given myself emotionally. I guess learning that healthy relationships are a 2 way street is lesson that abused people need to remember.


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#61051 - 04/09/06 09:34 PM Re: seems so much harder when it's a parent
sadsister Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/24/06
Posts: 14
Loc: London UK
Thank you everyone for your kind words. I cannot begin to imagine the overwhelming pain that my brother must feel. I think there was a lot of emotional blackmail involved in his abuse and I recognise patterns of this in his life today - I guess taught by his dad. I try not to visit this site often in hope that my brother is posting anonymously, but sometimes I feel like I have noone to turn to and the sheer number of responses makes me feel a lot better. I admire all you fighters out there, I really really do.


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#61052 - 04/10/06 03:18 AM Re: seems so much harder when it's a parent
JAAY Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/04
Posts: 115
Loc: NYC
Sadsisiter,

Thanks for supporting your brother. It means more then you will ever know when someone so close to you believes in what you are saying and wants the best for you. Your posting has made me more aware of my own behaviors. As a kid I would hide and avoid my father. That behavior served me well as kid but as an adult I cannot hide from problems. My father has been dead for almost 17 years and yet I still have this habit of avoiding problems.


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