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#61040 - 04/02/06 05:24 AM Re: seems so much harder when it's a parent
JAAY Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/04
Posts: 115
Loc: NYC
Larry,

Yes, it is about boundries. It is funny but I always would also say that person went too far. I now am see things somewhat different. I guesa it like that Kenny Rogers song "You go to know when to hold, when to threw them, know when to walk away and know when to run." I guess as abused boys we blamed are selves and would work hard to make things perfect but that does not wok in the adult world.


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#61041 - 04/02/06 08:24 AM Re: seems so much harder when it's a parent
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jaay,

Quote:
I guess as abused boys we blamed are selves and would work hard to make things perfect but that does not work in the adult world.
Maybe we could look at it this way. As abused boys we blamed ourselves and worked hard to make things perfect because we felt we needed to do that in order to make amends for being so worthless. If the abuser was a parent that feeling of worthlessness will be a crushing burden.

As adults we need to see that we always had worth and value; our task now is to accept those qualities and see what we can do with them.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#61042 - 04/02/06 03:33 PM Re: seems so much harder when it's a parent
JAAY Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/04
Posts: 115
Loc: NYC
Larry,

In reading your post I said to myself "Did I think that as a child?". I think that I did but was not able to process the message I was being given. For many years I felt "bad" despite the fact that I worked to do good things. Once when I was having dinner with my family I said "I am not a bad person". I guess I am still learning to give myself a break.


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#61043 - 04/02/06 03:47 PM Re: seems so much harder when it's a parent
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jaay,

Quote:
Once when I was having dinner with my family I said "I am not a bad person". I guess I am still learning to give myself a break.
Abuse filled our heads with a lot of junk bro, and you got it exactly right. We LEARN to get rid of it and give ourselves a break; that's just the way it always is - it doesn't just happen.

On striving for perfection, I'm not surprised you don't remember thinking of it in precisely these terms. We were frightened, traumatized and confused kids and I bet very little of our thoughts about the abuse was sorted out in the orderly rational way we try to think about things now.

It was all too overwhelming and painful. I know, for example, that I felt many things, but it was all an emotional tornado. My primary feelings were something like, "This is all so much and it hurts so bad. I am so scared and ashamed."

I think the first break we need to give ourselves is acceptance that we were just kids, innocent defenseless kids.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#61044 - 04/02/06 05:31 PM Re: seems so much harder when it's a parent
JAAY Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/04
Posts: 115
Loc: NYC
Larry,

It has taken me this long to get rid of it! I guess now I have to let go of my "old ways" of looking at myself. I wonder if there is some safety in not letting go? I think that that has be....change is hard when you have not been abused.


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#61045 - 04/02/06 05:56 PM Re: seems so much harder when it's a parent
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jaay,

I would say yes, eventually we have to let go of the old harmful and self-destructive ways of looking at ourselves. But we have to do it in a way that allows us still to feel safe. We have to do it as we feel able to do it and willing to face some new ideas and perspectives about being US.

You are of course absolutely right: change is hard.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#61046 - 04/03/06 03:01 AM Re: seems so much harder when it's a parent
JAAY Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/04
Posts: 115
Loc: NYC
Larry,

I guess you mean safe in relationships with other people? I no longer have the fear of being murder. I do know that I would not let others see the side of me that needed support, love and encouragement. I think that is changing....slowly and difficult at times.

Jaay


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#61047 - 04/03/06 12:08 PM Re: seems so much harder when it's a parent
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jaay,

What I meant was that as we dump the old destructive ways of looking at ourselves we have to do that in a way that allows us to keep pace by adding constructive and validating ways of assessing ourselves. If we try to move too fast we run the risk of leaving ourselves seriously exposed. That is in a way what happened to me last year. I was too anxious to get rid of the bad feelings about myself and I didn't have a regular T at the time. So for a time I felt entirely lost. I had rejected a lot of crap that had harmed me, but I had not yet replaced it with good ways of thinking that would help me. I felt very much adrift, isolated and insecure.

So when you say this:

Quote:
I think that is changing....slowly and difficult at times.
it seems to me you are on the right track. Small safe steps that endure are better than big jumps that may get us into difficulty.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#61048 - 04/03/06 09:40 PM Re: seems so much harder when it's a parent
JAAY Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/04
Posts: 115
Loc: NYC
Larry! Thanks for the note! I am feeling the way you describe youself last year. I also think that I am dealing with and planning a future for myself. This is something new. I never really have planned my own happiness somehow I always worried about others. I am learning that certain stressors are not worth the time and energy I invest in them. I think that stiking that balance is hard for me.


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#61049 - 04/04/06 12:03 AM Re: seems so much harder when it's a parent
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jaay,

Above all, remember that this is an entirely normal thing happening to you. You are okay!

I posted about this feeling late last year, when I did not yet understand what was happening to me. I felt like I was reinventing myself! It was like I had been living in a garbage dump for years, then suddenly the garbage began to disappear and I could see what lay beyond the dump. But the dump was what I knew, so it felt "safe"! It was disappearing too fast, and as I saw more and more of what lay beyond it, I felt more and more like I didn't know which direction to go or why. So the sudden dramatic progress, while I welcomed it, didn't help me because I didn't know what to do with it.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
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