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#61030 - 03/28/06 06:35 PM seems so much harder when it's a parent
sadsister Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/24/06
Posts: 14
Loc: London UK
I do not mean to minimize anyone's experience. But it seems like CSA is so much tougher when the abusor was a parent. How do you go on to understand who you really are when the one person who was supposed to show you destroyed your childhood, adolescence...life?

I have such rage inside me. I wish this person were still alive so I could hurt him the way he hurt my brother, although I sadly know I would never come close.


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#61031 - 03/28/06 06:38 PM Re: seems so much harder when it's a parent
phoster Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/21/03
Posts: 758
Loc: ohio
i always felt the same way. i felt almost lucky, if that is the right word. at least in my case it was a stranger. i never have to see him again. even an uncle or something wouldnt be the same. i simply cannot imagine what those who were abused by parents have to deal with. i am so sorry for the pain you and your brother have to endure.

_________________________
compassion is a light even to the darkest soul

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#61032 - 03/28/06 10:28 PM Re: seems so much harder when it's a parent
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Sister
No, you're not minimizing anyones CSA at all, far from it.

I was abused out of my family, but I know some survivors personally that were abused within their families, and it is a very different experience.

I have many issues of being let down by people who should have cared for me, I was abused at school.
But I can't begin to imagine the difference if it had been one of my family.

To me, that is the greatest betrayal of all.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#61033 - 03/29/06 12:00 AM Re: seems so much harder when it's a parent
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
sadsister,

I will simply note that I agree with Dave. Surely the ultimate betrayal for a child would be to be abused by his own parent. How our brothers who cope with that manage to recover is simply beyond my imagination. I can only admire their strength and determination.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#61034 - 03/29/06 02:02 AM Re: seems so much harder when it's a parent
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 466
Loc: UK
I am not disagreeing with you about abuse by a parent, and your anger is totally justifiable. I can say as someone abused by a father that recovery is a real possibility, it still sort of feels like a miracle to me when I read the fog of misery and despair of my pre-recovery journals. I have a life now thatís still challenging and difficult in ways, but its one I am glad to be living which wasnít true before I started dealing with this. There is lots of hope for your brother and having such a supportive sister is bound to be very helpful.

Peter.


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#61035 - 03/29/06 04:41 PM Re: seems so much harder when it's a parent
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
sadsister,

My b/f was s/a by his mother and violently physically abused by both his mother and father. The depths of what he is now dealing with are astronomical.

While I have no proof, and he's never told me, I recently found out that my youngest brother was being groomed by an older man when he was a teenager. I was already married and out of the house when this was going on so until recently, when it came upon in conversation with my sister, I was clueless. This happened over 20 years ago. Knowing what I do now about csa, all kinds of warning lights were going off in my head.

If my instinct turns out to be correct - well, I don't know. I just know that I love my brother more than anything and I'll help him if he'll let me, whenever or if that may come to be.

You're in the most un-enviable place of trying to help your brother while also trying to ease your mother's guilt and protect her from your brother's misguided anger. You're a good sister, a good daughter and your pain is so brutal. Keep learning and it will help. My thoughts are with you.

ROCK ON........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#61036 - 03/30/06 05:10 AM Re: seems so much harder when it's a parent
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Thanks, Peter, for your post.

Recovery from SA by a parent is possible, although as those here have said, it presents a different set of challenges.

Sadsister, the people who were supposed to show your brother who he is, didn't-- but that doesn't have to mean that his Self is lost. He can find it, he can find other ways to help see. I wish him luck and courage.

SAR


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#61037 - 03/31/06 05:30 PM Re: seems so much harder when it's a parent
iansMe Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/18/04
Posts: 6
Loc: NC
Sadsister,

I too was abused by my own father and have had a difficult time getting past certain issues. I work with both a psychiatrist and a couselor and I feel better. But I agree with you, Sadsister, this is one of the hardest things to get past.


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#61038 - 04/01/06 05:15 AM Re: seems so much harder when it's a parent
JAAY Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/04
Posts: 115
Loc: NYC
It is sad but we do manage to carry on. I knew from a young age that my father was a bastard and I protected myself. I also protected my younger siblings as much as possible. I have made good decisions and surrounded myself with people who loved and support me. My recovery seems to be very painful at times but I am learning to act and live like an adult.


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#61039 - 04/01/06 05:33 AM Re: seems so much harder when it's a parent
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jaay,

I think your post sums it up, and in just four lines! Someone who was abused by a parent will have suffered the destruction of some pretty basic ideas about what "family" means, but even that terrible loss can be faced and conquered. As you put it, you have surrounded yourself with other people who love and support you. When you say you have made good decisions, I take that to mean you have been able to re-establish good boundaries.

You've laid down a solid foundation for recovery and you should be very proud of yourself. \:\)

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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