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#60942 - 10/20/00 10:31 AM Re: Help
tinker Offline
Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 32
I am hanging in there Marsha!

My husband is dragging his heels a little about the therapist appointment but the therapist is activly persuing him. The therapists we see are a husband and wife team who specialize in marriage and trauma therapy, we can see them together or separate.

Perhaps he would hit rock bottom if I leave but I am sure of 1 thing, If I gather up the strength to leave - I am never coming back.

Glad to hear your husband is doing well with the new therapist. Do you ever go with him? It might help to seep the secrets away.

Take care,
Tink


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#60943 - 10/20/00 01:19 PM Re: Help
tiffany Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 6
Loc: saskatoon,sk,canada
hey tink...

before i met the man i am with now, i was with a terrible emotionally and fairly bad physically abusive man. i finally left him with my 2 year old and 8 month old daughters about 2 years ago. the thing i learned is no matter how much you love someone, you will never make them change. perhaps if you even just took a small vacation from him, went to a relative or a friends for a couple of weeks, you may obtain some clarity about how you truly want to deal with this. whether you want to leave...or to stay. i know you love him, but you have to take care of yourself first. and taking care of yourself is NEVER SELFISH. if you need to take a break or to leave that is okay. the man i am with now, who was sexually abused understands completely when i say that i really need to not talk about it for a little while, just talk about something lite for a bit. it is okay to say that you want a rest from all the turmoil. of course i understand that he can never get away from it, but if i can come back refreshed, i can be a stronger support for him.
leaving is sometimes the best thing. it was for me. and it wasn't selfish.

t.


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#60944 - 10/21/00 12:39 PM Re: Help
MARSHA Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 24
LADIES, HOW DIFFICULT THIS ALL BECOMES. I AGRE THAT SOMETIMES ONE HAS NO CHOICE TO LEAVE, FOR THEIR OWN WELL BEING. I ALSO AGREE THAT WE, THE SPOUSES, CANNOT "MAKE" SOMEONE CHANGE. HOWEVER, WE CAN GIVE CHOICES. "IF YOU DO NOT TRY TO DEAL WITH YOUR PAST, I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO ASK YOU TO LEAVE." THIS WAY WE ARE VERY CLEAR THAT WE WANT TO STAY, BECAUSE WE DO LOVE OUR HUSBAND, HOWEVER, THHIS DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR IS UNACCEPTABLE. WE WILL SUPPORT HOWEVER POSSIBLE, BUT IF THE CHOICE IS TO IGNORE THE PAST AND ACT AS IF I DID NOT AFFECT HIM AS MUCH AS IT REALLY DID, AND HE CAN CONTINUE TO BEHAVE INAPPROPIATELY AND USE HIS ABUSE AS AN EXCUSE, HE IS MAKING THE CHOICE TO DISSOLVE THE MARRAIGE. I DO BELIEVE THAT JUST ABOUT ANYTHING CAN BE FIXED, BUT IT HAS TO BE A MUTUAL AND CONSTANT EFFORT ON BOTH PARTS. FRANKLY, IF MY HUSBAND HAD NOT FINALLY GIVEN IN TO DEAL WITH HIS PAST, KNOWING IT WOULD BE THE MOST PAINFUL TIME, I HAD HAD IT AND WE WOULD NOT BE TOGETHER. I'M VERY GLAD THAT I MADE THAT VERY LAST EFFORT. (I HAD NEVER THREATENED TO LEAVE BEFORE. HE KNEW I WAS NOT MAKING IDLE THREATS.)

I APPLAUDE THOSE WHO STICK IT OUT, AS LONG AS NO ONE IS BEING ABUSED IN THEIR PRESENT SITUATION. I ALSO APPLAUDE THOSE WHO KNOW THAT NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE AND SHE HAS EXHAUSTED ALL OF THEIR MEANS AND GETS OUT OF HER SITUATION. NEITHER CHOICE IS AN EASY DECISION, BUT THERE ARE DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES IN EACH SITUATION.

DID I JUST COMPLETELY CONFUSE YOU? I HOPE NOT.


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#60945 - 10/24/00 08:25 AM Re: Help
tinker Offline
Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 32
He hit rock bottom on Saturday night, mini-breakdown and I never want to experience this again. Found out he has been avoiding getting help all these years because there is a second abuser very close to him, (perhaps family) and he doesn't want to face the memories. He has not fully disclosed to me. He decided that our marriage was worth it and will make an appointment to get help today. I feel I have lost any chance to walk away now. The problem is - how will I ever know things are going to change? I am not in any danger physically but I am afraid if I leave for a short time he will cheat on me again. It is a fear he will always control me with even if he doesn't realize it. Just needed to get this off my chest again and again and again ....


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#60946 - 10/24/00 08:40 AM Re: Help
MARSHA Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 24
TINKER, I AM SO SORRY FOR WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH. ANOTHER ABUSER! DID YOU SUSPECT? HE IS GOING TO HAVE A TREMENDOUS FIGHT AHEAD OF HIM, AS WILL YOU.
I DO KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN ABOUT THAT CONSTANT FEAR. I FELT THAT IF I JUST CONTROLLED EVERY SITUATION, HE WOULD NOT CHEAT AGAIN. I REALLY STRUGGLED WITH THAT, AND STILL DO. HAVE YOU TOLD HIM WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF HE CHEATS AGAIN? HAVE YOU EVEN DECIDED WHAT YOU WILL DO IF HE CHEATS AGAIN? FIRST YOU NEED TO MAKE THAT DECISION, THEN YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW THROUGH.
AT LEAST HE AGREED TO THERAPY. IT SOUNDS LIKE HE HAD NO CHOICE. SOMETIMES THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES.
REMEMBER THAT THERE IS SOMEONE OUT THERE WHO IS THINKING OF YOU, OFTEN. HANG IN THERE.


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#60947 - 10/26/00 11:16 AM Re: Help
tinker Offline
Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 32
Thanks for the support Marsha and for thinking of me.

I think I am about to end the marriage. I told him last time (4 years ago) that it would be over if he cheated again and it didn't do any good. I am not doing this to prove a point, I just can't survive like this. He has not gone back to the therapist and just stopped talking about it. The more I think about it, his affair didn't have anything to do with his abuse which was the only thing I could forgive at this point. He doesn't think so either. He was attracted to her and enjoyed the beginning of a new relationship much as we all do, ego boost and exciting. He didn't enjoy the fact that it was wrong because he couldn't live with the guilt so sexual compulsion is not part of it. Even after he told me he went back twice and kept in contact for at least 1 week. He "enjoyed talking to her" and he "liked her". Where does that leave me.


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#60948 - 10/27/00 09:51 AM Re: Help
MARSHA Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 24
OH TINKER. I AM SO SORRY. IT IS SO HARD TO DISTINGUISH THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN AFFAIR AND ACTING OUT. HOW IS SHE DIFFERENT FROM YOU, OR IS SHE SIMILAR? DO YOU KNOW HER? I FEEL SO BAD. IT IS ALMOST EASIER TO DEAL WITH "JUST SEX" WHEN ABUSE IS INVOLVED BECAUSE YOU KNOW HE IS ACTING OUT. WHEN A RELATIONSHIP IS INVOLVED IT IS EMOTIONAL AND MUCH MORE DIFFICULT FOR YOU.

IF YOU DO NOT FEEL THAT IT IS ABUSE RELATED, IT DOES ALLEVIATE THE GUILT FROM YOU TO DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO.

AGAIN, I'M SORRY.


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#60949 - 10/27/00 11:19 AM Re: Help
tinker Offline
Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 32
I don't know if I feel any guilt about leaving. I could have been kinder to him and a more available lover but I will never know.

To answer your questions, she looks very similar to me and we both met her at a social gathering 3 days before "it" happened. He told me 2 days after "it" happened and when he saw the devastation and no hope for future he went back twice during the next week (all night) as I told him it was over. He claims he knew for 2 months prior that he was going to cheat because we never had sex and he was always at the bottom of my list. Blah blah blah, he could have told me before it happened!

Sorry I know this is not a site for affair recovery but this may be part of it. I take it your husband didn't actually talk to the people he acted out with. That might make it easier...


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#60950 - 10/30/00 07:04 AM Re: Help
MARSHA Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 24
TINKER, HONESTLY I THINK THAT EVERY DECISION THAT IS MADE BY OUT HUSBANDS, KNOWING OR UNKNOWING, ARE AFFECTED BY THEIR PAST ABUSE. IT MAKES IT DIFFICULT FOR US TO SEE THEIR POINT OF VIEW. THIS WEEK-END WAS VERY DIFFICULT FOR US, ACTUALLY LAST WEEK-END WAS NO WALK IN THE PARK EITHER. WHEN MY HUSBAND GETS STRESSED IN GENERAL LIFE, THOUGHTS FROM THE PAST CREEP UP ON HIM AND HE BEGINS TO QUESTION HIS ENTIRE LIFE. IT IS VERY FRUSTRATING. I GUESS HIS DEPRESSION HITS HARDER AT THESE TIMES. I FIND MYSELF GROWING IMPATIENT WITH HIM. I REALLY STRUGGLE WITH HIM AND HIS DEPRESSION. I SEEM ALMOST "UNCOMPASSIONATE", I KNOW THAT ISN'T A WORD, AT THESE TIMES. I WISH FOR SOMEONE WHO CAN BE STRONG. I STAY STRONG BY BUILDING THIS WALL AROUND ME. THEN HE COMPLAINS THAT I'M "HARD". WHAT DOES HE EXPECT ME TO DO. SOMEONE HAS TO BE STRONG AROUND HERE. LIFE DOESN'T STOP. I HAVE A HARD TIME EMPATHISING WITH HIM. I FEEL LIKE A BITCH AT TIMES, BUT I CANNOT LET HIS PAST AND HIS DEPRESSION BREAK MY SPIRIT. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. I JUST WISH FOR NORMALCY! THAT'S ALL.

MARSHA


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#60951 - 10/30/00 11:52 AM Re: Help
tinker Offline
Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 32
I am sorry you had a rough weekend Marsha, it seems those are the worst because you have to deal with the emotions for 2 days solid. Did he suffer from depression before he started openly dealing with the past abuse? Does he go to a therapist that deals specifically with trauma? I know you want a "normal" life but if you could put a glass to the wall of most homes you would be surprised what normal is. I think there are very few marriages that don't have skeletons. Your God will give you strength to follow through and strive for a healthy relationship between you and your husband.

My husband asked me to make a decision on the weekend because he couldn't handle the uncertainty so I did. I decided to leave. His reaction was horrible. He cried like a wounded animal and kept asking me to stay. I have never knowingly hurt him in the past and it is killing me. I have only known him to hurt me, so this is what it looks like. It is breaking my heart Marsha. I don't feel better for my decision but it may be my only hope for future happiness. He is devastated and I don't know what to do. I thought I might feel somewhat better but I don't. He is also the type of person that can't forgive after he has been hurt so there is no turning back now.

Take care Marsha and be sure to let the sun shine on your face sometimes.

Tink


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