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#60952 - 11/01/00 06:45 AM Re: Help
MARSHA Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 24
TINK,
MY HUSBAND IS DOING MUCH BETTER THIS WEEK. THANKS! I'M SURPRISED ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND'S REACTION TO YOUR DECISION, FROM WHAT YOU TOLD ME. ONLY YOU KNOW IF IT WAS THE RIGHT ONE. I WISH THAT YOU DID RECEIVE SOME PEACE FROM IT, BUT YOU SOUND MORE CONFUSED THAN EVER. AS FAR AS YOUR HUSBAND "FORGIVING" YOU. HE FORCED YOU TO MAKE THIS DECISION. IT JUST SOUNDS LIKE HE MAY HAVE THOUGHT THAT YOU WOULD GO BACK W/OUT ANY CONSEQUENCES TO HIM FOR ALL OF HIS INFIDELITY. IS HE STILL GOING TO THE THERAPIST? ARE YOU? HE NEEDS TO REALIZE THAT HIS PAST AND NOT COMING TO TERMS WITH IT IS THE ROOT OF YOUR PROBLEMS IN THE MARRAIGE. WHILE THE ABUSE WAS NOT HIS FAULT, HE NEEDS TO ASSUME RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS CURRENT SITUATION AND BEHAVE LIKE A MAN, NOT A TEEN AGER.
ARE YOU STILL LIVING IN THE SAME HOUSE WITH HIM, OR ARE YOU SEPERATE RIGHT NOW? ARE YOU ABLE TO CONFIDE IN ANYONE ELSE SO YOU CAN GET SOME ADDITIONAL SUPPORT?

BE STRONG AND HANG IN THERE.
MARSHA


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#60953 - 11/01/00 07:25 AM Re: Help
tinker Offline
Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 32
Glad to hear your husband is doing much better, is the depression a new thing?

I am still seeing the therapist but it doesn't seem to be helping. I think it is because I keep myself in limbo all the time. He is not going at all and won't unless he gets to "keep me". He says he can't deal with all this pain (divorce + past trauma) at one time and it wouldn't be worth it if he loses me. I am still in the house Marsha because my Jeep is in the shop but I will be leaving Friday. We seem to have completely reversed roles for the first time in 8 years, he is now feeling the pain and loss he has caused me to feel for so long. He told me last night how horrible it is for him waiting for me to call all day, wondering if I will come home that night, excited if I send e-mail, being on the verge of tears all the time. He says he feels so desperate and helpless. I gently let him see that is how I have felt for so long and he was just stunned. He seemed to realize it at that very moment how I have felt, he is now where I have been so many times. The difference is I understand him and have compassion, I know how to behave to lessen the blow for him instead of deepening his pain. He will do anything to keep me and doesn't understand it is too late. I just wish I didn't have to lose so much to teach him this sad lesson. I am so sad and terrified right now, no home, no stability and a broken heart. It would be so easy to change my mind but so difficult to live with the decision. He keeps checking the house for little things to be packed that would mean I am "really" leaving, it is so sad.

It sucks to imagine some lucky woman will get to live a wonderful life with him if he someday heals, he really is a terrific person besides the infidelity. His feelings get hurt easily by friends and seeing an elderly couple hold hands makes him tear up. How could you not love that. I wish it could have been different.

I bought the book "victims no longer" yesterday to leave with him, perhaps he will use it, even as a bathroom book, and eventually come to terms with his past.

Sorry for ranting, only his sister (in real life) knows I am leaving so I don't get this out much. Thanks for listening Marsha.


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#60954 - 11/02/00 07:37 AM Re: Help
MARSHA Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 24
TINK,
IT IS ALL SO REAL NOW ISN'T IT? RATHER THAN LOOKING AT THIS SEPARATION AS PERMANENT, CAN IT MAYBE BE JUST " TIME APART"? TIME APART TO SORT THINGS OUT AND DEAL WITH THINGS SEPERATELY, THEN SEE WHAT HAPPENS, OR IS THIS YOUR "FINAL DECISION"?

IT IS AMAZING HOW A "GREAT GUY", LIKE OUR HUSBANDS, CAN BE SO TORMENTED INSIDE BECAUSE OF THIER TERRIBLE CHILDHOOD AND HOW IT RIPPLES INTO SO MANY LIVES SO MANY YEARS LATER. CHILD MOLESTORS ARE THE WORST THAT THERE IS! NOTHING WORSE.

LAST NIGHT WAS MY FINAL CLASS FOR TRAINING THAT I AM GOING THROUGH TO VOLUNTEER WITH CHILDREN WHO HAVE BEEN ABUSED AND ARE NOW IN FOSTER CARE. LAST NIGHT'S SPEAKERS WERE EXPERIENCED VOLUNTEERS IN THIS PROGRAM. ONE VOLUNTEER WAS TALKING ABOUT HIS CASE AND IT REMINDED ME SO MUCH OF MY HUSBAND THAT I JUST SAT THERE TEARING UP. IT WAS TERRIBLE BECAUSE ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT WAS HOW SCREWED UP THIS KID IS GOING TO BE IN 10-20 YEARS AND HOW IT WILL AFFECT SO MANY PEOPLE IN YEARS TO COME.

JUST A NOTE, MY HUSBAND'S DEPRESSION IS NOTHING NEW. HE HAS DEALT WITH THIS SINCE HIS ABUSE 17 YEARS AGO. HE EVEN TRIED TO COMMIT SUECIDE WHEN HE WAS 17.

MARSHA


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#60955 - 11/02/00 10:53 AM Re: Help
tinker Offline
Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 32
Congratulations on finishing your course Marsha, it shows great courage and determination to be a part of the healing.

I am looking at my decision as final, otherwise I could not start to heal, I will just stay in limbo. For obvious reasons I do not trust him to spend a separation alone and I don't want to be afraid of that pain anymore. If I am not his wife I do not have to be "aware" of his behavior. I have never hurt so deeply as I do right now but I have to believe that someday I will be happy again and this pain will either get packed away or just go away. I can only assume it takes a great deal of love and determination to go through the healing process with a survivor. I don't think I have have the strength, trust or respect left to do it. If his behavior had been destructive in other ways that did not betray me so deeply it would be different.

Even as I write this it has not sunk in that I am walking away from my life with him. I now feel the guilt. I understand that his past is a big part of who he is today and perhaps he can change the destructive patterns but he has chosen to do these things. I can't find forgiveness anymore and right or wrong this is a decision I have to live with. The "what if's" will haunt me along with the guilt of abandoning him. Got to go, I am at work and if I start crying I won't stop.


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#60956 - 11/03/00 05:01 AM Re: Help
Neil Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/00
Posts: 81
Loc: Millersville, MD, USA
I just wanted to tell you that I'm glad you bought the book. If he will read it he will have a better understanding of himself and maybe not feel so alone. I'll be praying for both of you in your healing process. Neil


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#60957 - 11/03/00 08:09 AM Re: Help
tinker Offline
Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 32
Thanks Neil,
I read through some of the book yesterday and it related to him a bit from the outside appearance but I'll never know what his true self is. He hasn't even looked at the book and I doubt he ever will. Thanks for the prayers.
Tink


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#60958 - 11/03/00 10:27 AM Re: Help
MARSHA Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 24
TINKER,
FRIDAY IS HERE. I BET YOU WISH IT WASN'T. YOUR HUSBAND HAS SUCH A LONG WAY TO GO. MAYBE HE'LL SEE THAT, HOPEFULLY HE WILL, AND SOMEDAY SOON YOU WILL SEE A CHANGED MAN AND START FRESH. IF NOT, YOU DID ALL THAT YOU COULD HAVE DONE. DON'T FEEL GUILTY. AS WE TALKED ABOUT IN OUR FIRST CONVERSATIONS, YOU CANNOT BE TREATED LIKE A DOORMAT, NO MATTER WHAT THE UNDERLYING REASONS ARE. YOU SHOULD BE PROUD OF YOURSELF FOR STICKING IT OUT THIS LONG. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO DEAL WITH ALL OF THIS? WILL YOU SEE A THERAPIST OR WOULD YOU RATHER DEAL WITH IT BY YOURSELF?

DOES HIS SISTER KNOW ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND'S ABUSE? IS SHE SUPPORTING YOUR DECISION? DO YOU HAVE SOMEWHERE TO GO, AT LEAST TEMPORARRILY? SO MUCH TO THINK ABOUT!

YOU WILL COME AWAY FROM THIS OKAY, EVENTUALLY. I IMAGINE THAT IT WILL BE HARD FOR YOU TO TRUST AGAIN. NOT EVERYONE WILL HAVE SO MUCH BAGGAGE.

KEEP YOUR HEAD UP, AND REMEMBER, YOU DID ALL THAT YOU COULD.

MARSHA


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#60959 - 11/06/00 08:04 AM Re: Help
tinker Offline
Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 32
Thank you for the support Marsha, I just wish someone could make this all ok. I left on the weekend and spent the time in a hotel, I will be moving in with a friend today for a few weeks until I find an apartment. It feels like I am living in a dream, someone else's life. My husband is having a difficult time missing me and I think it will get worse as time goes by, when he realizes I'm probably not coming back. I wish it didn't have to be this way but I can't forget what he did, no matter how sweet and caring he is right now. I had been conversing with Carl123 and Neil through e-mail and they helped a lot. With the situation change I have stopped conversing with them for awhile as it doesn't seem fair, their wish is to help him heal and I am not helping right now.

Hope all is well with you.


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#60960 - 11/07/00 11:40 AM Re: Help
MARSHA Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 24
TINKER, HANG IN THERE! YOU ARE VERY BRAVE DOING WHAT YOU ARE DOING. IN THE LONG RUN, YOU ARE HELPING YOUR HUSBAND BECAUSE YOU WILL BE THE FIRST IF NOT THE ONLY, PERSON FORCING HIM TO DEAL WITH HIS PAST WHICH HE HAS TO DO TO MOVE FOWARD AS A MAN. HE DOESN'T HAVE A CHOICE.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU WANT A BOOK FOR YOURSELF TO READ TO SORT OF MAKE S0ME SENSE OF THIS BUT I AM STILL READING BETRAYED AS BOYS, IT HAS BEEN VERY HELPFUL. (MY HUSBAND HATED IT, HE SAID IT WAS TOO CLINICAL, BUT THAT IS WHAT I ENJOY MORE)

HAS HE STOPPED THE THERAPY? TAKE THIS TIME AND MOURN FOR YOUR LOSS, BUT ALSO DO THINGS FOR YOURSELF.

THINKING ABOUT YOU,
MARSHA


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#60961 - 11/08/00 10:29 AM Re: Help
MARSHA Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 24
TINKER,

JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW THAT WE ARE GOING AWAY THIS WEEK END AND WON'T HAVE ACCESS TO A COMPUTER--YIKES! I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO THINK THAT I FORGOT ABOUT YOU!

HAVE YOU SETTLED INTO YOUR FRIEND'S PLACE, YET. I'M SURE THIS WEEK END WILL BE HARD.

TALK NEXT WEEK,
MARSHA


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