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#60932 - 10/16/00 10:29 AM Help
tinker Offline
Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 32
My husband is a survivor, to what extent I do not know. He told me last year that he remembered an isolated incident when he was young but it didn't bother him. He had an affair 2 months ago and while visiting his doctor (with me) he was asked if ever abused, he told the doctor it lasted for a year (news to me). Disclosing this information to the doctor later infuriated him, I was previously the only person who knew. I have contemplated leaving my husband simply out of pain because his short affair seemed to be self serving but he could not explain what came over him. He said I didn't seem to need him and it was nice to be wanted by someone. He has always been calm, self assured, unemotional, hard to cuddle, very sexual (any touch), promiscuous in youth, substance abuse. Can anyone relate? I have been searching the net for info, something that surprised me was he is terrified of the dentist and suffers panic attacks which I read is a connection. I though survivors usually show low self-esteem and withdrawal from social situations?
We both went to a counseling session to deal with our relationship and the affair. He has decided to go alone next time and that is promising to me. I am having difficulty being supportive because he has hurt me so and turned away from our marriage. I am feeling like I might be grasping at straws to find a reason for his affair.

The last thing I want to do is abandon him if this is the source of his pain and problems. As I said I do not know the extent of his abuse but I know it was around the age of 7 and no one knows about it. Could it have affected him so horribly that he would act out in this way? He loves me more than anyone else in his life and I can see that, but why would he punish me? I have seen him with the man who abused him and didn't see any reaction. This man is about 5 years older than him.

I can not get completely close to him, ever. He will only get so close. He has always needed constant distraction with TV, music, drinking, socializing. He has cheated on every woman he has ever dated (including me 4 times). He cannot explain why it happens, he says "it just keeps happening to me". He is now terrified that I will leave him, very emotional (not normal for him)and has always been so sorry after it happened. He tells me some things are just personal, just for him. He will not open up. Could he be in that much pain that he doesn't even make a connection to his problems and the past abuse? Could it have had that profound of an effect on him?

He seems to have a fascination with porn, an*l sex and masturbation. Please help me help him before I go crazy? Can we have a normal life together? can he heal?


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#60933 - 10/16/00 12:17 PM Re: Help
MARSHA Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 24
I DO KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH. I FEEL LIKE I COULD WRITE TO YOU FOR HOURS WITH MY EXPERIENCES WITH MY HUSBAND. HE WAS ABUSED AS A YOUNG TEEN AND COMPLETELY DENIED IT AFFECTED HIM. HE IS HYPER ACTIVE, VERY SEXUAL, AND COMPULSIVE ABOUT DIFFERENT THINGS AT DIFFERENT TIMES. IT RANGES FROM SMOKING TO SEX TO DRINKING TO EATING TO WORK. WORK IS THE MOST OBSESSIVE. HE COULD BE GONE FROM 5;00AM TO MIDNIGHT 6 DAYS A WEEK, JUST WORKING. HIS OTHER OBSESSION WOULD BE SLEEP, ESPECIALLY WHEN THE DEPRESSION GOT THE BEST OF HIM.

WE ARE COMING UP ON OUR 10th ANNIVERSERY AND HAVE 2 CHILDREN. WE HAVE CERTAINLY HAD OUR UPS AND DOWNS AND I BLAME IT ALL ON THE ABUSE. HIS MIND WORKS DIFFERENTLY. I DON'T HAVE ANY TRADGEYT IN MY HISTORY. I GREW UP LIKE AN "AVERAGE KID", OBVIOUSLY, HE DID NOT AND HAS BEEN KEEPING SECRETS HIS WHOLE LIFE. EVEN FROM ME.HE THOUGHT I WOULD LOVE HIM LESS.

IT HIT THE FAN THIS SUMMER WHEN I WENT AWAY FOR A LONG WEEK END WITH THE KIDS, HE HAD TO WORK. I WAS ONLY GONE 4 DAYS. THE NEXT MONTH I RECEIVED THE CREDIT CARD BILL AND DATED THAT WEEK END WAS A $600.00 CHANRGE AT A STRIP CLUB. I FLIPPED! I LATER FOUND OUT THAT NOT ONLY WAS HE "JUST" AT THE CLUB, BUT HE HAD A LAP DANCE. (HE HAD CHEATED ONE TIME 4 YEARS PRIOR) HE INSISTED THAT THIS WAS NOT CHEATING. I FINALLY THREW HIM OUT.

AFTER A WEEK OF BEING IN SEPERATE HOMES, HE CAME BACK, FOR THE KID'S SAKE, BUT I STILL DID NOT KNOW WHERE I STOOD ABOUT OUR MARRAIGE. I REALLY FELT LIKE A DOORMAT AND I HAD TO SCRAPE MYSELF UP OFF THE FLOOR. I FINALLY CONFIDED IN ONE PERSON AND WITH HER HELP AND GOD, I MADE MY DECISION TO TRY ONE MORE TIME, BUT I HAVE SET BOUNDRIES.

HE HAD TO GO TO EXTENSIVE COUNSELING. HE FINALLY TOLD ME ALL OF THE SECRETS, NOT BITS AND PIECES OF IT, AND WE LIVED IN THE SAME HOUSE, BUT SEPERATE LIVES FOR A MONTH OR SO. HE SAID THAT ONCE HE TOLD ME ALL OF HIS PAIN AND FEARS, HE FELT LIKE ROCKS WERE LIFTED OFF OF HIS SHOLDERS. HE LITERALLY TRANSFORMED. HIS ANGER IS ALMOST NON-EXISTANT, HE IS GENTLE AND WARM, AND HIS WORK IS NOT CONSUMING HIM (NEITHER ARE ANY OF THE OTHER THINGS). HE ALSO ASKS ME FOR HELP.

I AM STILL LEARY, I DO HAVE TO ADMIT, BUT I DO SEE A CHANGED MAN. HE HAS BEEN READING BOOKS TO HELP HIM, INCLUDING THE BIBLE. I DO LOVE HIM AND WANT TO GROW OLD WITH HIM, BUT THAT LAST "LINE IN THE SAND" HAS BEEN DRAWN. I HOPE IT IS NEVER CROSSED.

THIS IS MY ADVICE, AFTER 10 YEARS. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE ABUSE, AS HE WASN'T, AND WHILE YOUR HEART BREAKS FOR HIM, YOU ARE HIS WIFE AND SHOULD BE CHERRISHED AND LOVED PROPERLY. DON'T BE A DOORMAT. I KNOW HOW SCARY IT IS FOR YOU AND HOW "NORMAL" YOU WANT TO BE. BELIEVE ME, I KNOW! SET BOUNDRIES AND MAKE HIM LIVE UP TO THEM. YOU SHOULD NOT BE PUNISHED FOR WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM, AND HE WILL FEEL BETTER WHEN HE SEES YOU HAPPY.

TOUGH LOVE. (COULDN'T GET MUCH TOUGHER!)


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#60934 - 10/16/00 01:37 PM Re: Help
tinker Offline
Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 32
Wow! Your story does sound similar and God help me it made me cry just knowing how you feel. I was hoping no one else has to go through this. I think I will always live in fear of that line being crossed. I am so angry that this is my life no matter what caused it. He didn't deserve what happened to him but you would think after all of that pain he would make sure not to inflict on others. I still don't know what to do ... I don't want to be a lab rat for him and see what will work. If not for the affairs I would support him as long as he needed me, now I just don't know. How can I support him when he has hurt me so? Where do you find the strength and why? How long did you go to counceling? What sort of boundaries did you set?
Feeling lost...


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#60935 - 10/16/00 04:21 PM Re: Help
Carl123 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/11/00
Posts: 25
Loc: PA, USA
Dear Tinker and Marsha;

I am a 40 year old male who comes from the exact same background as your husbands. Your/their stories absloutley paralell mine. I have been married for 12 years and over that time have struggled constantly agains acting out on all my sexual compulsions.

I would be happy to correspond with you via E-mail to answer your questions and share my insights. Perhaps you can use me as your sounding board in helping to understand your husband better.

I too have wronged my wife once (almost twice) and it has caused a great deal of strife in our lives. My wife certainly doesn't deserve my behavior. But here's the clincher, neither do I.

Perhps that has been the starting point for your husbands as well.

For the longest time I felt compelled to pursue all kinds of risky beahavior, from substance abuse to internet porn and acting out liasons. The entry point in healing for me (and I still have along way to go) is trying to understand THAT I DESREVE BETTER.

Much of our behavior is motivated by depression, self-loathing and self-hatred. I know that I spent a great deal of my life feeling absolutely horrible about who I am. To this day, I have a very poor and fractured self-image. All the behaviors you describe are ones that I pursued as well. These destractions become necessary survival mechanisms because they insulate us from ourselves. Anything is better than the pain and suffering that lies within.

Working long hours seems to be a socially acceptable way to keep running away from our pain, but there are many many secrets we carry as well.

The best thing for me is thelove and understanding that my wife provides me. She allows me to tell her my secrets and does not judge me. This helps a great deal. The road to a cure begins with full disclosure. Once all the secrets are out and in the open, it's lie a huge burden is lifted. We are no longer alone at this point. It's all out on the table. From there, we need therapy, support from friends,the community and family and unconditional love. We need an environment that encourages the REAL us to emerge.

I know you feel betrayed by your husbands, and rightfully so. What they did, just as what I did, is inexcusable. But if you have the patience to work with them, and donot judge them too much, I think you stand a very good chance of coming out of this a stronger couple.

Look, I want nothing more than to love and honor my wife. Truly I do. Sometimes it's a struggle to do the right thing. I know this sounds hard to beleive, but it's true. Sometimes my mind just snaps and I explode. But in working through these issues with my wife, we've been able to come to a mutual understanding. And we relalize that therapy and counseling are ghoing to be necessary as well.

Good luck and please feel free to E-mail me as well.

Carl123


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#60936 - 10/17/00 10:56 AM Re: Help
MARSHA Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 24
DEAR TINKER,

YOU SOUND LIKE I WAS ABOUT THREE MONTHS AGO, AS I WAS AT NUMEROUS OTHER TIMES THROUGHOUT OUR MARRAIGE. I FELT SO ANGRY AT HIM AND THAT WE COULD NOT BE NORMAL. THEN I WOULD FEEL GUILTY WHEN I REALIZED THE "REAL"REASON AS TO WHY SOMETHING HAD HAPPENED: AFFAIRS, DRINKING, LYING, AND SO ON. AGAIN, WHILE I CANNOT EVEN THINK ABOUT THE ABUSE THAT MY HUSBAND SUFFERED WITHOUT WELLIING UP, IT WAS NOT MY FAULT. I HAVE BEEN THE ONLY ONE IN HIS LIFE THAT HAS ENCOURAGED HIM AND SUPPORTED HIM IN WHATEVER WAY HE NEEDED IN ORDER TO "DEAL" WITH IT. IT WILL NEVER BE PUT IN THE PAST, IT WILL ALWAYS BE A PART OF HIM, BUT HIS FAMILY, THE POLICE, TEACHERS, ETC. DID NOT SUPPORT HIM.

HE FINALLY REALIZED THIS SUMMER, WHILE HE WAS OUT OF THE HOUSE, THAT I HAD BEEN HIS SUPPORT. HE DID NOT SEE IT UNTIL THAT POINT. AFTER THAT, HE FELT "SAFE" WITH ME. HE CONFIDED IN ME THINGS THAT HE HAD BEEN BURRING FOR YEARS. HE FELT SAFE, FINALLY.

HE DID TELL ME THAT UP UNTIL THAT POINT, SEX WAS HIS SAFETY ISN'T THAT IRONIC? WHEN THINGS WERE GOOD BETWEEN US, HE DID NOT GO TO OUTSIDE SOURCES OR HAVE "CERTAIN THOUGHTS". WHEN THEY WERE BAD BETWEEN US, HE NEEDED SEX TO FEEL SAFE AND MASCULINE, SO HE DID WHATEVER IT TOOK TO FEEL BETTER. HE HAD BEEN HAVING TERRIBLE NIGHTMARES, UP UNTIL THAT POINT. THEY ARE ALMOST NON-EXISTENT PRESENTLY.

AGAIN, THE BOUNDRIES NEED TO BE ESTABLISHED, FOR BOTH OF YOU. I HAD TO LEARN WHAT HE NEEDED TO FEEL SAFE WITH ME. THE EXTRA HUGS, THE E-MAILS AT WORK, LITTLE THINGS THAT WE DON'T THINK ABOUT AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR SO LONG. WHAT I NEED IS TO TRUST HIM. ONCE I CAN DO THAT, WE'RE REALLY GETTING THERE, I WILL BE ABLE TO LOVE HIM AT A DIFFERENT LEVEL.

I ALSO USED TO TRY PREVENT THE INEVITABLE. IF HE WAS VERY LATE COMING HOME, I WOULD WORRY THAT HE WAS DRINKING OR WORSE. I HAVE LET GO OF THAT. RIGHT NOW I AM LIVING THE LIFE THAT I AM SUPPOSED TO LIVE. I AM DOING MY BEST TO BE THE BEST WIFE THAT I CAN BE FOR MY HUSBAND, I LOVE BEING A MOM, I DO MY BEST AT MY JOB, I VOLUNTEER MY TIME (WITH ABUSED CHILDREN), I ENJOY BEING WITH OUR FRIENDS AND EXTENDED FAMILY. I AM LIVING A GOOD LIFE AND RIGHT NOW EVERYTHING IS IN GOD'S HANDS. IF HE CHOOSES TO DO THINGS THAT WILL ENDANGER OUR LIVES TOGETHER, THERE IS NOTHING MORE THAT I CAN DO! IF WE CONTINUE TO WORK AT THIS, I PLAN AND HOPE TO LIVE TOGETHER FOREVER, BUT HE DOES KNOW THAT THERE ARE NO MORE CHANCES. (BY THE WAY, THIS IS NEVER "THROWN IN HIS FACE". WE WERE VERY CLEAR WHEN WE DECIDED TO STAY TOGETHER, AND I DOES NOT NEED TO BE MENTIONED AGAIN BETWEEN THE TWO OF US.)

HE CAN COME TO ME FOR ANYTHING, IF HE IS FEELING BAD AND SELF-DESTRUCTIVE, HE NEEDS TO TELL ME IF I HAVE NOT ALREADY FIGURED IT OUT. IF HE AVOIDS, DENIES, AND LIES, I CANNOT HELP HIM AND THE DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR WILL START ALL OVER AGAIN. I DO NOT THINK THAT IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN. GOD HAS A PLAN FOR ALL OF OUR LIVES, ONLY HE KNOWS HOW IT WILL TURN OUT. HONESTLY, KNOWING THAT HAS HELPED ME THE MOST.

ONE OTHER THING THAT HELPED ME WAS A LITTLE EXTREME. FOUR YEARS AGO, MY HUSBAND WANTED TO PRESS CHARGES AGAINST THE MAN THAT RAPED HIM FOR A SUMMER. (IT WAS HIS EMPLOYER. THIS MAN HIRES TEENS TO WORK ON HIS FARM EACH SUMMER.) THIS MAN IS STILL ASSAULTING YOUNG BOYS. THE D.A. SAID THAT THE STATUTE OF LIMITAIONS HAD EXPIRED AND THEY WERE NOT GOING TO PERSUE ANYTHING. THIS WAS ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATING TO MY HUSBAND. ANYWAY, THE POINT IS, THIS MAN IS STILL LIVING IN MY HUSBAND'S HOMETOWN, HIRING BOYS, AND DESTROYING LIVES, AND NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT IT OR IS DOING ANYTHING. IT IS TERRIBLE WHEN WE HAVE TO GO UP THERE. WELL, I WROTE A LETTER TO THIS MAN. IT WAS NON-THREATENING. I TOLD HIM WHO I WAS, "A WIFE OF ONE OF MANY OF YOUR VICTIMS", THAT I KNEW WHAT HE DID, HOW IT HAS AFFECTED MY HUSBAND'S LIFE, MY LIFE, AND HOW HE NO LONGER, AFTER 16 YEARS, HAS ANY POWER OVER MY HUSBAND'S LIFE. I ALSO PLEADED FOR HIM TO STOP DESTROYING LIVES. I TOLD HIM THAT THE POLICE ARE AWARE OF HIS ACTIVITY, AND NO MATTER HOW POWERFUL HE IS, HE WILL GET CAUGHT ONE DAY.

IT TOOK MONTHS TO WRITE, BUT IT WAS THE MOST EMPOWERING THING THAT I HAVE EVER DONE! WEEKS LATER, I SHOWED MY HUSBAND, AND HE WAS SO TOUCHED. NO ONE HAD SUPPORTED HIM THROUGHOUT THIS ORDEAL TO THAT EXTENT.

PLEASE KEEP IN TOUCH, THIS HELPS ME, TOO.


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#60937 - 10/17/00 01:11 PM Re: Help
tinker Offline
Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 32
Marsha, Marsha, Marsha (just had to do that) I don't know where you find the strength but I'v got some cash squirreled away if you want to sell me some. I am feeling human today so I am holding nothing back!

It is difficult, as you know, to trust someone who has been untrustworthy in the past. I also can't make him trust me and I feel he is testing me this past couple of weeks. Little things that he would never do before like telling me "you need to go to the store" because he needed something and didn't want to go. I thought who is this!? He has pushed me to have sex when I clearly didn't want to. Very strange things are happening and it frightens me, I think some scary stuff is surfacing and he is not prepared to handle it. God help me. He is trying to take control of me and he has never attempted to do this before. Almost like he is re-enacting the persona of his abuser. He cancelled his first "alone" appointment with the therapist because of work and it is killing me. I have waited so long hoping he would disclose in his first appointment which is doubtful.

When did your husband disclose to you? Did his abusive behaviour continus after that day?


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#60938 - 10/17/00 01:12 PM Re: Help
tinker Offline
Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 32
Marsha,
Do you want my personal e-mail?


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#60939 - 10/18/00 11:19 AM Re: Help
MARSHA Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 24
TINKER, I WOULD LOVE YOUR E-MAIL, BUT I AM LEARY ABOUT GIVING IT OVER THE INTERNET, I'M SURE YOU ARE TOO. (I DON'T WANT OTHERS READING THIS USING PERSONAL E-MAIL) MY HUSBAND FINALLY DISCLOSED ALL OF HIS THOUGHTS AND FEARS THIS SUMMER. I AM FLATTERED THAT YOU THINK I AM A STRONG, BUT I REALLY DON'T FEEL LIKE I AM. EVERY DAY IS A STRUGGLE, BUT I KNOW I HAVE TO DO IT, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU ARE A MOM. AS FAR AS WHERE I DRAW MY STRENGTH FROM, IT IS FROM JESUS. I HOPE I DON'T SCARE YOU OFF WHEN I SAY THAT, BUT IT IS TRUE. I COULDN'T DEPEND ON MY HUSBAND AND I DID NOT WANT ANYONE ELSE KNOWING MY BUSINESS, SO I KEPT IT TO MYSELF FOR 9 YEARS. WHEN IT ALL HIT THE FAN THE LAST TIME AND I WAS CONTEMPLATING DISSOLVING OUR MARRAIGE, I REALLY TURNED TO JESUS FOR HELP AND ANSWERS. IF I HADN'T, WE WOULD BE SEPARATED NOW, AND I AM GLAD THAT WE ARE NOT. IN THE PAST,I BUILT THIS WALL AROUND ME AND MADE SURE THAT, WHILE I LOVE MY FRIENDS, NO ONE KNEW ANYTHING, EVEN MY FAMILY. I BECAME HARD AND CALLISED. IT IS STILL HARD TO BREAK THAT WALL DOWN. LIKE I SAID, THIS IS VERY HELPFUL TO ME BECAUSE NOT ONLY ARE WE DEALING WITH SIMILAR CIRCUMSTANCES, BUT WE WILL NEVER MEET. YOU ARE SAFE.

I DO HAVE TO SAY THAT I AM CONCERNED FOR YOU. MY HUSBAND NEVER DISPLAYED CONTROLLING ACTIONS. IN FACT, HE WITHDREW. I GET NERVOUS WHEN I HEAR ABOUT CONTROLLING MEN. HOW IS HE WITH YOUR CHILDREN? HAS HE EVER HIT OR SHOVED YOU? THAT CANNOT BE TOLERATED. IT REALLY SOUNDS LIKE YOU NEED AN OTHER "SAFE PERSON", OTHER THAN ME, TO HELP YOU. HAVE YOU SEEN A COUNSELOR? DO YOU HAVE A PASTOR YOU CAN TALK TO. ARE YOU CLOSE WITH A SISTER OR YOUR MOM, IF YOU CANNOT CONFIDE IN A FRIEND. HOW CONCERNED FOR YOUR SAFETY ARE YOU? COULD HE BLOW. I THINK THAT YOU ARE RIGHT TO BE DISCOURAGED THAT HE CANCELLED HIS DR. APPOINTMENT. THAT IS WHAT MY HUSBAND DID 4 YEARS AGO, AND HE HAD NOT GONE BACK UNTIL THIS SUMMER. HE HAS NOW BEEN GOING SINCE AUGUST.

DOES YOUR HUSBAND HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM? THAT IS WHAT CONSUMED MY HUSBAND. FOR A LONG TIME HE ALSO THOUGHT HE WAS GAY. THIS TERRIFIED HIM. HE DID NOT KNOW THAT IT IS VERY COMMON FOR BOYS WHO WERE ABUSED BY MEN TO STRUGGLE WITH THEIR IDENTITY. SOME TRUELY ARE GAY, THE ABUSE DID NOT "MAKE THEM THAT WAY", OTHERS ARE HETEROSEXUAL BUT BELIEVE THAT THEY WERE "CHOSEN" BECAUSE THEY EXHIBITED TYPICAL GAY CHARACTERISTICS. ON TOP OF EVERYTHING, THEIR SELF-ESTEEM IS NEXT TO NOTHING AFTER THIS HAPPENS.

OUR BIGGEST STRUGGLE IS ALSO THE TRUST ISSUES. IT IS HARD FOR ME FOR OBVIOUS REASONS, HIS TRACK RECORD. IT IS ALSO HARD FOR MY HUSBAND FOR A COUPLE OF REASONS. FIRST I HAVE NEVER CHEATED, LIED, OR DECEIVED HIM, SO HE HAS NO IDEA WHAT IT FEELS LIKE, WHEN YOUR SPOUSE DOES THIS. SECOND, AFTER HE LIFTED HIS SECRETS, HE IMMEDIATELY FELT LIKE A NEW MAN, CHANGED! HE FELT THE DIFFERENCE, THEREFORE, SO SHOULD I. HE IS FRUSTRATED THAT I CAN'T SEE THAT THIS TIME IS DIFFERENT. WHILE I DO SEE THAT, IT IS STILL DIFFICULT TO BREAK DOWN THAT WALL THAT WAS PUT UP FOR SO MANY DIFFERENT REASONS.

AGAIN, I AM CONCERNED FOR YOU. I DO HOPE YOU ARE SAFE, PHYSICALLY, LIVING IN THE SAME HOUSE. IF YOU ARE NOT, PLEASE LISTEN TO YOUR GUT INSTINCT. YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN NEED TO BE SAFE!

TALK SOON!


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#60940 - 10/18/00 12:05 PM Re: Help
tinker Offline
Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 32
Hi Marsha,
We don't have any children so my decisions can be for my own selfish reasons and somehow I guess that makes this easier. I do not fear for my safety. My husband has never even called me a dirty name (outside of fun) or physically shown any aggression. It is more psychological warfare right now and perhaps he is showing some emotional withdrawal that way. He has always been a "yes dear", "whatever you want dear" so I am noticing major changes. Perhaps he thinks since I didn't leave him yet again after saying I would, that he can get away with anything. I wish I was someone else today, somewhere else and married to no one. This seems bigger than the both of us and it is just beginning.

I tried again to talk to my husband last night but he shut me out several times by saying "I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS". He knows it is a problem but he is not ready to deal with it so I am waiting 1 week and if he hasn't at least made an appointment the ultimatum will be delivered. I don't know if he will choose his pain over me but I fear the worst. That is all I can do for now.

I wish you and your family well Marsha and hope you will feel more comfortable and secure with your husband soon. Everything takes time as I am sure you know and someday soon you may see him as a forever changed man.
Talk soon.


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#60941 - 10/20/00 06:52 AM Re: Help
MARSHA Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 24
TINKER, I'M GLAD THAT YOU ARE PHYSICALLY SAFE, UNFORTUNATELY, EMOTIONALLY YOU ARE NOT. I HAVE FOUND THAT IF I PUSHED HIM TO GO TO FAR TO FAST, IT WOULD BACKFIRE AND UNFORTUNATELY, WE WOULD BE SET BACK MANY STEPS. MY HUSBAND HAD TO HIT ABSOLUTE ROCK BOTTOM, WHEN HE FELT HE WAS GOING TO LOSE EVERYTHING THAT TRUELY MATTERED TO HIM, THAT HE KNEW HE HAD TO DEAL WITH HIS PAST. ALSO, IF HE IS WITH THE WRONG THERAPIST, THAT, TOO, CAN SET ONE BACK. LAST NIGHT, MY HUSBAND CAME HOME AFTER HIS APPOINTMENT COMMENTING HOW COMFORTABLE HE WAS WITH HIS PRESENT THERAPIST, AND HE REALIZED JUST HOW WRONG THE THERAPIST WAS FOR HIM FOUR YEARS AGO. BECAUSE OF THAT NEGATIVE EXPERIENCE, HE HAD BEEN HESITANT TO RESUME ANY THERAPY AT ALL.

HOW COMPLICATED THIS ALL GETS!

HANG IN THERE!


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#60942 - 10/20/00 10:31 AM Re: Help
tinker Offline
Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 32
I am hanging in there Marsha!

My husband is dragging his heels a little about the therapist appointment but the therapist is activly persuing him. The therapists we see are a husband and wife team who specialize in marriage and trauma therapy, we can see them together or separate.

Perhaps he would hit rock bottom if I leave but I am sure of 1 thing, If I gather up the strength to leave - I am never coming back.

Glad to hear your husband is doing well with the new therapist. Do you ever go with him? It might help to seep the secrets away.

Take care,
Tink


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#60943 - 10/20/00 01:19 PM Re: Help
tiffany Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 6
Loc: saskatoon,sk,canada
hey tink...

before i met the man i am with now, i was with a terrible emotionally and fairly bad physically abusive man. i finally left him with my 2 year old and 8 month old daughters about 2 years ago. the thing i learned is no matter how much you love someone, you will never make them change. perhaps if you even just took a small vacation from him, went to a relative or a friends for a couple of weeks, you may obtain some clarity about how you truly want to deal with this. whether you want to leave...or to stay. i know you love him, but you have to take care of yourself first. and taking care of yourself is NEVER SELFISH. if you need to take a break or to leave that is okay. the man i am with now, who was sexually abused understands completely when i say that i really need to not talk about it for a little while, just talk about something lite for a bit. it is okay to say that you want a rest from all the turmoil. of course i understand that he can never get away from it, but if i can come back refreshed, i can be a stronger support for him.
leaving is sometimes the best thing. it was for me. and it wasn't selfish.

t.


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#60944 - 10/21/00 12:39 PM Re: Help
MARSHA Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 24
LADIES, HOW DIFFICULT THIS ALL BECOMES. I AGRE THAT SOMETIMES ONE HAS NO CHOICE TO LEAVE, FOR THEIR OWN WELL BEING. I ALSO AGREE THAT WE, THE SPOUSES, CANNOT "MAKE" SOMEONE CHANGE. HOWEVER, WE CAN GIVE CHOICES. "IF YOU DO NOT TRY TO DEAL WITH YOUR PAST, I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO ASK YOU TO LEAVE." THIS WAY WE ARE VERY CLEAR THAT WE WANT TO STAY, BECAUSE WE DO LOVE OUR HUSBAND, HOWEVER, THHIS DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR IS UNACCEPTABLE. WE WILL SUPPORT HOWEVER POSSIBLE, BUT IF THE CHOICE IS TO IGNORE THE PAST AND ACT AS IF I DID NOT AFFECT HIM AS MUCH AS IT REALLY DID, AND HE CAN CONTINUE TO BEHAVE INAPPROPIATELY AND USE HIS ABUSE AS AN EXCUSE, HE IS MAKING THE CHOICE TO DISSOLVE THE MARRAIGE. I DO BELIEVE THAT JUST ABOUT ANYTHING CAN BE FIXED, BUT IT HAS TO BE A MUTUAL AND CONSTANT EFFORT ON BOTH PARTS. FRANKLY, IF MY HUSBAND HAD NOT FINALLY GIVEN IN TO DEAL WITH HIS PAST, KNOWING IT WOULD BE THE MOST PAINFUL TIME, I HAD HAD IT AND WE WOULD NOT BE TOGETHER. I'M VERY GLAD THAT I MADE THAT VERY LAST EFFORT. (I HAD NEVER THREATENED TO LEAVE BEFORE. HE KNEW I WAS NOT MAKING IDLE THREATS.)

I APPLAUDE THOSE WHO STICK IT OUT, AS LONG AS NO ONE IS BEING ABUSED IN THEIR PRESENT SITUATION. I ALSO APPLAUDE THOSE WHO KNOW THAT NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE AND SHE HAS EXHAUSTED ALL OF THEIR MEANS AND GETS OUT OF HER SITUATION. NEITHER CHOICE IS AN EASY DECISION, BUT THERE ARE DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES IN EACH SITUATION.

DID I JUST COMPLETELY CONFUSE YOU? I HOPE NOT.


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#60945 - 10/24/00 08:25 AM Re: Help
tinker Offline
Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 32
He hit rock bottom on Saturday night, mini-breakdown and I never want to experience this again. Found out he has been avoiding getting help all these years because there is a second abuser very close to him, (perhaps family) and he doesn't want to face the memories. He has not fully disclosed to me. He decided that our marriage was worth it and will make an appointment to get help today. I feel I have lost any chance to walk away now. The problem is - how will I ever know things are going to change? I am not in any danger physically but I am afraid if I leave for a short time he will cheat on me again. It is a fear he will always control me with even if he doesn't realize it. Just needed to get this off my chest again and again and again ....


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#60946 - 10/24/00 08:40 AM Re: Help
MARSHA Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 24
TINKER, I AM SO SORRY FOR WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH. ANOTHER ABUSER! DID YOU SUSPECT? HE IS GOING TO HAVE A TREMENDOUS FIGHT AHEAD OF HIM, AS WILL YOU.
I DO KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN ABOUT THAT CONSTANT FEAR. I FELT THAT IF I JUST CONTROLLED EVERY SITUATION, HE WOULD NOT CHEAT AGAIN. I REALLY STRUGGLED WITH THAT, AND STILL DO. HAVE YOU TOLD HIM WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF HE CHEATS AGAIN? HAVE YOU EVEN DECIDED WHAT YOU WILL DO IF HE CHEATS AGAIN? FIRST YOU NEED TO MAKE THAT DECISION, THEN YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW THROUGH.
AT LEAST HE AGREED TO THERAPY. IT SOUNDS LIKE HE HAD NO CHOICE. SOMETIMES THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES.
REMEMBER THAT THERE IS SOMEONE OUT THERE WHO IS THINKING OF YOU, OFTEN. HANG IN THERE.


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#60947 - 10/26/00 11:16 AM Re: Help
tinker Offline
Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 32
Thanks for the support Marsha and for thinking of me.

I think I am about to end the marriage. I told him last time (4 years ago) that it would be over if he cheated again and it didn't do any good. I am not doing this to prove a point, I just can't survive like this. He has not gone back to the therapist and just stopped talking about it. The more I think about it, his affair didn't have anything to do with his abuse which was the only thing I could forgive at this point. He doesn't think so either. He was attracted to her and enjoyed the beginning of a new relationship much as we all do, ego boost and exciting. He didn't enjoy the fact that it was wrong because he couldn't live with the guilt so sexual compulsion is not part of it. Even after he told me he went back twice and kept in contact for at least 1 week. He "enjoyed talking to her" and he "liked her". Where does that leave me.


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#60948 - 10/27/00 09:51 AM Re: Help
MARSHA Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 24
OH TINKER. I AM SO SORRY. IT IS SO HARD TO DISTINGUISH THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN AFFAIR AND ACTING OUT. HOW IS SHE DIFFERENT FROM YOU, OR IS SHE SIMILAR? DO YOU KNOW HER? I FEEL SO BAD. IT IS ALMOST EASIER TO DEAL WITH "JUST SEX" WHEN ABUSE IS INVOLVED BECAUSE YOU KNOW HE IS ACTING OUT. WHEN A RELATIONSHIP IS INVOLVED IT IS EMOTIONAL AND MUCH MORE DIFFICULT FOR YOU.

IF YOU DO NOT FEEL THAT IT IS ABUSE RELATED, IT DOES ALLEVIATE THE GUILT FROM YOU TO DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO.

AGAIN, I'M SORRY.


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#60949 - 10/27/00 11:19 AM Re: Help
tinker Offline
Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 32
I don't know if I feel any guilt about leaving. I could have been kinder to him and a more available lover but I will never know.

To answer your questions, she looks very similar to me and we both met her at a social gathering 3 days before "it" happened. He told me 2 days after "it" happened and when he saw the devastation and no hope for future he went back twice during the next week (all night) as I told him it was over. He claims he knew for 2 months prior that he was going to cheat because we never had sex and he was always at the bottom of my list. Blah blah blah, he could have told me before it happened!

Sorry I know this is not a site for affair recovery but this may be part of it. I take it your husband didn't actually talk to the people he acted out with. That might make it easier...


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#60950 - 10/30/00 07:04 AM Re: Help
MARSHA Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 24
TINKER, HONESTLY I THINK THAT EVERY DECISION THAT IS MADE BY OUT HUSBANDS, KNOWING OR UNKNOWING, ARE AFFECTED BY THEIR PAST ABUSE. IT MAKES IT DIFFICULT FOR US TO SEE THEIR POINT OF VIEW. THIS WEEK-END WAS VERY DIFFICULT FOR US, ACTUALLY LAST WEEK-END WAS NO WALK IN THE PARK EITHER. WHEN MY HUSBAND GETS STRESSED IN GENERAL LIFE, THOUGHTS FROM THE PAST CREEP UP ON HIM AND HE BEGINS TO QUESTION HIS ENTIRE LIFE. IT IS VERY FRUSTRATING. I GUESS HIS DEPRESSION HITS HARDER AT THESE TIMES. I FIND MYSELF GROWING IMPATIENT WITH HIM. I REALLY STRUGGLE WITH HIM AND HIS DEPRESSION. I SEEM ALMOST "UNCOMPASSIONATE", I KNOW THAT ISN'T A WORD, AT THESE TIMES. I WISH FOR SOMEONE WHO CAN BE STRONG. I STAY STRONG BY BUILDING THIS WALL AROUND ME. THEN HE COMPLAINS THAT I'M "HARD". WHAT DOES HE EXPECT ME TO DO. SOMEONE HAS TO BE STRONG AROUND HERE. LIFE DOESN'T STOP. I HAVE A HARD TIME EMPATHISING WITH HIM. I FEEL LIKE A BITCH AT TIMES, BUT I CANNOT LET HIS PAST AND HIS DEPRESSION BREAK MY SPIRIT. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. I JUST WISH FOR NORMALCY! THAT'S ALL.

MARSHA


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#60951 - 10/30/00 11:52 AM Re: Help
tinker Offline
Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 32
I am sorry you had a rough weekend Marsha, it seems those are the worst because you have to deal with the emotions for 2 days solid. Did he suffer from depression before he started openly dealing with the past abuse? Does he go to a therapist that deals specifically with trauma? I know you want a "normal" life but if you could put a glass to the wall of most homes you would be surprised what normal is. I think there are very few marriages that don't have skeletons. Your God will give you strength to follow through and strive for a healthy relationship between you and your husband.

My husband asked me to make a decision on the weekend because he couldn't handle the uncertainty so I did. I decided to leave. His reaction was horrible. He cried like a wounded animal and kept asking me to stay. I have never knowingly hurt him in the past and it is killing me. I have only known him to hurt me, so this is what it looks like. It is breaking my heart Marsha. I don't feel better for my decision but it may be my only hope for future happiness. He is devastated and I don't know what to do. I thought I might feel somewhat better but I don't. He is also the type of person that can't forgive after he has been hurt so there is no turning back now.

Take care Marsha and be sure to let the sun shine on your face sometimes.

Tink


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#60952 - 11/01/00 06:45 AM Re: Help
MARSHA Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 24
TINK,
MY HUSBAND IS DOING MUCH BETTER THIS WEEK. THANKS! I'M SURPRISED ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND'S REACTION TO YOUR DECISION, FROM WHAT YOU TOLD ME. ONLY YOU KNOW IF IT WAS THE RIGHT ONE. I WISH THAT YOU DID RECEIVE SOME PEACE FROM IT, BUT YOU SOUND MORE CONFUSED THAN EVER. AS FAR AS YOUR HUSBAND "FORGIVING" YOU. HE FORCED YOU TO MAKE THIS DECISION. IT JUST SOUNDS LIKE HE MAY HAVE THOUGHT THAT YOU WOULD GO BACK W/OUT ANY CONSEQUENCES TO HIM FOR ALL OF HIS INFIDELITY. IS HE STILL GOING TO THE THERAPIST? ARE YOU? HE NEEDS TO REALIZE THAT HIS PAST AND NOT COMING TO TERMS WITH IT IS THE ROOT OF YOUR PROBLEMS IN THE MARRAIGE. WHILE THE ABUSE WAS NOT HIS FAULT, HE NEEDS TO ASSUME RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS CURRENT SITUATION AND BEHAVE LIKE A MAN, NOT A TEEN AGER.
ARE YOU STILL LIVING IN THE SAME HOUSE WITH HIM, OR ARE YOU SEPERATE RIGHT NOW? ARE YOU ABLE TO CONFIDE IN ANYONE ELSE SO YOU CAN GET SOME ADDITIONAL SUPPORT?

BE STRONG AND HANG IN THERE.
MARSHA


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#60953 - 11/01/00 07:25 AM Re: Help
tinker Offline
Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 32
Glad to hear your husband is doing much better, is the depression a new thing?

I am still seeing the therapist but it doesn't seem to be helping. I think it is because I keep myself in limbo all the time. He is not going at all and won't unless he gets to "keep me". He says he can't deal with all this pain (divorce + past trauma) at one time and it wouldn't be worth it if he loses me. I am still in the house Marsha because my Jeep is in the shop but I will be leaving Friday. We seem to have completely reversed roles for the first time in 8 years, he is now feeling the pain and loss he has caused me to feel for so long. He told me last night how horrible it is for him waiting for me to call all day, wondering if I will come home that night, excited if I send e-mail, being on the verge of tears all the time. He says he feels so desperate and helpless. I gently let him see that is how I have felt for so long and he was just stunned. He seemed to realize it at that very moment how I have felt, he is now where I have been so many times. The difference is I understand him and have compassion, I know how to behave to lessen the blow for him instead of deepening his pain. He will do anything to keep me and doesn't understand it is too late. I just wish I didn't have to lose so much to teach him this sad lesson. I am so sad and terrified right now, no home, no stability and a broken heart. It would be so easy to change my mind but so difficult to live with the decision. He keeps checking the house for little things to be packed that would mean I am "really" leaving, it is so sad.

It sucks to imagine some lucky woman will get to live a wonderful life with him if he someday heals, he really is a terrific person besides the infidelity. His feelings get hurt easily by friends and seeing an elderly couple hold hands makes him tear up. How could you not love that. I wish it could have been different.

I bought the book "victims no longer" yesterday to leave with him, perhaps he will use it, even as a bathroom book, and eventually come to terms with his past.

Sorry for ranting, only his sister (in real life) knows I am leaving so I don't get this out much. Thanks for listening Marsha.


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#60954 - 11/02/00 07:37 AM Re: Help
MARSHA Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 24
TINK,
IT IS ALL SO REAL NOW ISN'T IT? RATHER THAN LOOKING AT THIS SEPARATION AS PERMANENT, CAN IT MAYBE BE JUST " TIME APART"? TIME APART TO SORT THINGS OUT AND DEAL WITH THINGS SEPERATELY, THEN SEE WHAT HAPPENS, OR IS THIS YOUR "FINAL DECISION"?

IT IS AMAZING HOW A "GREAT GUY", LIKE OUR HUSBANDS, CAN BE SO TORMENTED INSIDE BECAUSE OF THIER TERRIBLE CHILDHOOD AND HOW IT RIPPLES INTO SO MANY LIVES SO MANY YEARS LATER. CHILD MOLESTORS ARE THE WORST THAT THERE IS! NOTHING WORSE.

LAST NIGHT WAS MY FINAL CLASS FOR TRAINING THAT I AM GOING THROUGH TO VOLUNTEER WITH CHILDREN WHO HAVE BEEN ABUSED AND ARE NOW IN FOSTER CARE. LAST NIGHT'S SPEAKERS WERE EXPERIENCED VOLUNTEERS IN THIS PROGRAM. ONE VOLUNTEER WAS TALKING ABOUT HIS CASE AND IT REMINDED ME SO MUCH OF MY HUSBAND THAT I JUST SAT THERE TEARING UP. IT WAS TERRIBLE BECAUSE ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT WAS HOW SCREWED UP THIS KID IS GOING TO BE IN 10-20 YEARS AND HOW IT WILL AFFECT SO MANY PEOPLE IN YEARS TO COME.

JUST A NOTE, MY HUSBAND'S DEPRESSION IS NOTHING NEW. HE HAS DEALT WITH THIS SINCE HIS ABUSE 17 YEARS AGO. HE EVEN TRIED TO COMMIT SUECIDE WHEN HE WAS 17.

MARSHA


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#60955 - 11/02/00 10:53 AM Re: Help
tinker Offline
Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 32
Congratulations on finishing your course Marsha, it shows great courage and determination to be a part of the healing.

I am looking at my decision as final, otherwise I could not start to heal, I will just stay in limbo. For obvious reasons I do not trust him to spend a separation alone and I don't want to be afraid of that pain anymore. If I am not his wife I do not have to be "aware" of his behavior. I have never hurt so deeply as I do right now but I have to believe that someday I will be happy again and this pain will either get packed away or just go away. I can only assume it takes a great deal of love and determination to go through the healing process with a survivor. I don't think I have have the strength, trust or respect left to do it. If his behavior had been destructive in other ways that did not betray me so deeply it would be different.

Even as I write this it has not sunk in that I am walking away from my life with him. I now feel the guilt. I understand that his past is a big part of who he is today and perhaps he can change the destructive patterns but he has chosen to do these things. I can't find forgiveness anymore and right or wrong this is a decision I have to live with. The "what if's" will haunt me along with the guilt of abandoning him. Got to go, I am at work and if I start crying I won't stop.


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#60956 - 11/03/00 05:01 AM Re: Help
Neil Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/00
Posts: 81
Loc: Millersville, MD, USA
I just wanted to tell you that I'm glad you bought the book. If he will read it he will have a better understanding of himself and maybe not feel so alone. I'll be praying for both of you in your healing process. Neil


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#60957 - 11/03/00 08:09 AM Re: Help
tinker Offline
Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 32
Thanks Neil,
I read through some of the book yesterday and it related to him a bit from the outside appearance but I'll never know what his true self is. He hasn't even looked at the book and I doubt he ever will. Thanks for the prayers.
Tink


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#60958 - 11/03/00 10:27 AM Re: Help
MARSHA Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 24
TINKER,
FRIDAY IS HERE. I BET YOU WISH IT WASN'T. YOUR HUSBAND HAS SUCH A LONG WAY TO GO. MAYBE HE'LL SEE THAT, HOPEFULLY HE WILL, AND SOMEDAY SOON YOU WILL SEE A CHANGED MAN AND START FRESH. IF NOT, YOU DID ALL THAT YOU COULD HAVE DONE. DON'T FEEL GUILTY. AS WE TALKED ABOUT IN OUR FIRST CONVERSATIONS, YOU CANNOT BE TREATED LIKE A DOORMAT, NO MATTER WHAT THE UNDERLYING REASONS ARE. YOU SHOULD BE PROUD OF YOURSELF FOR STICKING IT OUT THIS LONG. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO DEAL WITH ALL OF THIS? WILL YOU SEE A THERAPIST OR WOULD YOU RATHER DEAL WITH IT BY YOURSELF?

DOES HIS SISTER KNOW ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND'S ABUSE? IS SHE SUPPORTING YOUR DECISION? DO YOU HAVE SOMEWHERE TO GO, AT LEAST TEMPORARRILY? SO MUCH TO THINK ABOUT!

YOU WILL COME AWAY FROM THIS OKAY, EVENTUALLY. I IMAGINE THAT IT WILL BE HARD FOR YOU TO TRUST AGAIN. NOT EVERYONE WILL HAVE SO MUCH BAGGAGE.

KEEP YOUR HEAD UP, AND REMEMBER, YOU DID ALL THAT YOU COULD.

MARSHA


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#60959 - 11/06/00 08:04 AM Re: Help
tinker Offline
Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 32
Thank you for the support Marsha, I just wish someone could make this all ok. I left on the weekend and spent the time in a hotel, I will be moving in with a friend today for a few weeks until I find an apartment. It feels like I am living in a dream, someone else's life. My husband is having a difficult time missing me and I think it will get worse as time goes by, when he realizes I'm probably not coming back. I wish it didn't have to be this way but I can't forget what he did, no matter how sweet and caring he is right now. I had been conversing with Carl123 and Neil through e-mail and they helped a lot. With the situation change I have stopped conversing with them for awhile as it doesn't seem fair, their wish is to help him heal and I am not helping right now.

Hope all is well with you.


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#60960 - 11/07/00 11:40 AM Re: Help
MARSHA Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 24
TINKER, HANG IN THERE! YOU ARE VERY BRAVE DOING WHAT YOU ARE DOING. IN THE LONG RUN, YOU ARE HELPING YOUR HUSBAND BECAUSE YOU WILL BE THE FIRST IF NOT THE ONLY, PERSON FORCING HIM TO DEAL WITH HIS PAST WHICH HE HAS TO DO TO MOVE FOWARD AS A MAN. HE DOESN'T HAVE A CHOICE.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU WANT A BOOK FOR YOURSELF TO READ TO SORT OF MAKE S0ME SENSE OF THIS BUT I AM STILL READING BETRAYED AS BOYS, IT HAS BEEN VERY HELPFUL. (MY HUSBAND HATED IT, HE SAID IT WAS TOO CLINICAL, BUT THAT IS WHAT I ENJOY MORE)

HAS HE STOPPED THE THERAPY? TAKE THIS TIME AND MOURN FOR YOUR LOSS, BUT ALSO DO THINGS FOR YOURSELF.

THINKING ABOUT YOU,
MARSHA


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#60961 - 11/08/00 10:29 AM Re: Help
MARSHA Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 24
TINKER,

JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW THAT WE ARE GOING AWAY THIS WEEK END AND WON'T HAVE ACCESS TO A COMPUTER--YIKES! I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO THINK THAT I FORGOT ABOUT YOU!

HAVE YOU SETTLED INTO YOUR FRIEND'S PLACE, YET. I'M SURE THIS WEEK END WILL BE HARD.

TALK NEXT WEEK,
MARSHA


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#60962 - 11/10/00 08:01 AM Re: Help
tinker Offline
Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 32
I hope you have a good weekend Marsha.

We are coping the best we can, it is rough and we are both mentally and physically exhausted. Only time can help us now. I am trying to settle in but it is hard to be away from home and I miss my husband. He is hurting too and I want to rescue and comfort him but the bad memories get in the way. The hurt just won't let me be the person I want to. I have decided to take some medication for depression, it has been 3 months now and I am not doing any better, I hope it works fast so I can feel somewhat human again.

Thank you for being my friend.


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#60963 - 11/13/00 02:07 PM Re: Help
MARSHA Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 24
TINK, I'M SO SORRY HOW TOUGH IT IS FOR YOU RIGHT NOW. HAVE YOU EVER SUFFERED FROM DEPRESSION BEFORE? IT MUST MAKE YOUR SITUATION SEEM JUST THAT MUST DESPERATE. I DO THINK THAT YOU ARE RIGHT, TIME IS YOUR NEW ALLI NOW. I HOPE IT ALL WORKS OUT.

I ACTUALLY HAD A VERY DIFFICULT TIME THIS WEEK END. I TOOK THE CHILDREN UP TO HIS PARENTS' HOUSE TO VISIT, AND WE HAD A FRIEND'S WEDDING ON SUNDAY. HIS MOM AND I WENT TO A CRAFT SHOW ON SATURDAY, WHEN WE WENT IN, SHE VERY SUDDENLY JERKED ME AWAY FROM A TABLE AND TOLD ME THAT SHE WAS TRYING TO AVOID SOMEONE. I DIDN'T ASK ANY QUESTIONS, AND MOVED ON. LATER WE SEPARATED TO SHOP ALONE. I HAD TO GO BACK TO THAT ROOM, FORGETTING WHAT HAD HAPPENED WHEN WE FIRST GOT THERE. AS I WAS GOING AROUND, I WAS READING THE DIFFERENT BOOTH'S, THE COMPANY NAMES, AND I SAW THE COMPANY THAT MY HUSBAND WORKED FOR WHEN HE WAS ABUSED. IT IS A FARM AND THEY WERE THERE SELLING PIES AND JAM. IT TOOK ME BY SURPRISE, BUT THEY ARE A VERY POWERFUL FAMILY IN THIS TOWN, BECAUSE THEY OWN SO MUCH LAND AND RETAIL OUTLETS IN THE TOWN. AS I WAS GETTING DISGUSTED WITH THE FACT THEY WERE ALL OVER THE TOWN, I READ THE SELLERS NAMETAG AND IT WAS HIM! I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT! I WAS SHELLSHOCKED. I STARTED TO SWEAT AND MY KNEES WERE BUCKLING. I THOUGHT MY HEART WAS GOING TO POUND OUT OF MY CHEST. (OBVIOUSLY, I HAD NEVER SEEN HIM BEFORE.) I STEPPPED OUTSIDE TRYING TO GATHER MYSELF, WHEN I DID, I WENT BACK TO HIS STATION AND GOT ON LINE, WHERE CUSTOMERS WERE PAYING. I DID NOT KNOW WHY, WHAT I WAS GOING TO DO, OR SAY. ALL I COULD THINK OF WAS "GET ANY UNSIGNED MAIL LATELY?" TRUELY, I WANTED TO PHYSICALLY ATTACK HIM. I THEN NOTICED MY HUSBAND'S MOM COMING AROUND THE CORNER AND GOT OUT OF LINE. AS I WAS LEAVING, I NOTICED A TEEN-AGED BOY MANNING THE STATION WITH HIM. I ALMOST LOST IT, THINKING ABOUT WHAT THIS MONSTER WAS DOING TO THIS BOY. I JUST WANTED TO GRAB HIM AND SAY, RUN! I WILL GO WITH YOU TO THE POLICE STATION. GET OUT OF HERE, BUT I DIDN'T.

WHAT ALSO MADE IT SO BAD WAS, ONCE AGAIN, HIS MOTHER'S REACTION! HOW COULD SHE ACT LIKE THIS IS NO BIG DEAL. HOW COULD SHE STAY AND SHOP! IT BRINGS BACK SO MANY HARSH FEELINGS THAT I HAVE TOWARD HIS PARENTS AND HOW THEY HANDLED THIS WHOLE SITUATION 16 YEARS AGO. IT INFURIATES ME.

NOW I HAVE ALL OF THIS TURMOIL IN MY HEART. I CANNOT TELL MY HUSBAND WHO I SAW, I'M AFRAID OF WHAT HE WOULD DO. I COULD SEE THIS DESTROYING HIM KNOWING THAT THIS PSYCHO WAS IN THE SAME ROOM WITH ME. THANK GOD I DECIDED NOT TO TAKE MY CHILDREN, ESPECIALLY MY SON. I ALSO DON'T WANT HIM HURT, AGAIN, BY HIS MOTHER'S ACTIONS.

I'M SORRY TO GO ON AND ON, FRANKLY I WAS DESPERATE FOR A COMPUTER TO CONTACT YOU WHEN ALL OF THIS HAPPENED.

THANKS FOR LISTENING!
MARSHA


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#60964 - 11/14/00 07:51 AM Re: Help
tinker Offline
Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 32
How horrible for you Marsha, it must have made you just sick to see that beast. Thank God you husband didn't go too, it could have been a real set back for him. I wish there was something, 1 simple thing that could be done to even the score for your family but we both know that is impossible. What has been taken cannot be replaced and the pain felt by your family can never be redirected to that monster. It will probably take some time for you to get past seeing him and especially dealing with your mother in-law's reaction. Do you think your mother in-law will mention it to your husband? Sorry I could not be there right when you needed me Marsha. I will open a hotmail account so we can exchange personal e-mail if you want, no one else will see it. That way I can just close it after and I don't care who has the hotmail address. Let me know if that is too close for you.

I wasn't online over the weekend as I started taking an anti depressant and had a horrible reaction to it. I ended up in the hospital and my husband kept me very close to him. I feel like a child and I think he feels sorry for me, makes me feel more pathetic than loved. Still lost but I will find my way. I had an apartment of my own lined up but my husband spent all of our money at the casino and I am too broke now to pay first and last, just can't win.


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#60965 - 11/15/00 12:38 PM Re: Help
MARSHA Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 24
OH MY GOSH, TINKER! ALL YOU WANT IS A BIT OF PEACE AND YOU CANNOT SEEM TO GET IT. ARE YOU FEELING BETTER? ARE YOU ABLE TO TAKE ANYTHING ELSE TO HELP YOU? ARE YOU STILL LIVING WITH YOUR FRIEND? DOES YOUR HUSBAND REALIZE WHAT HIS GAMBLING SPREE HAS DONE TO YOU? WHEN WILL HE STOP HURTING YOU! I'M SO SORRY.

I WISH I COULD HELP YOU MORE THAN JUST WRITING TO YOU. I HOPE THAT IT DOES HELP YOU TO KNOW THAT YOU HAVE BEEN A GREAT SOURCE OF COMFORT FOR ME. YOU HAVE LITERALLY BEEN MY COMFORT ZONE FOR ME TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT MYSELF AND TO KNOW THAT I AM NOT ALONE IN MY SITUATION. PLEASE REMEMBER THE SAME IT TRUE FOR YOU. NOT ONLY DO MANY OTHER WOMEN, NOT JUST US, FEEL FOR YOU, BUT GOD IS WITH YOU AND, BELIEVE IT OR NOT, HE DOES HAVE A PLAN FOR YOU AND YOUR LIFE. IT ISN'T ALWAYS EASY GETTING THERE. JUST THE FACT THAT GOD PUT US TOGETHER TO HELP EACH OF US THROUGH OUR SITUATIONS IS SO IMPORTANT.

HANG IN THERE, YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS, HOPEFULLY SOON!
MARSHA


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#60966 - 11/16/00 08:00 AM Re: Help
tinker Offline
Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 32
Hi Marsha,
I am feeling a bit better physically. Just have to let time heal my heart. I will keep checking for your messages if you need someone to talk to or just to listen to your thoughts.
Tink


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#60967 - 11/22/00 06:48 AM Re: Help
MARSHA Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 24
TINK,
SORRY I HAVEN'T WRITTEN IN A WHILE. IT HAS BEEN A CRAZY WEEK. HOW ARE YOU FEELING. I'M SURE THAT THE HOLIDAYS ARE GOING TO BE HARD FOR YOU. WILL YOU BE WITH YOUR FAMILY? I HOPE THEY ARE SUPPORTING YOU.

IN THE BEGINNING OF THIS WEEK I HAD A TERRIBLE NIGHTMARE. I WAS AT THE BUS STOP WITH MY CHILDREN. THE BUS PULLED UP AND THEY GOT ON THE BUS. I WALKED OVER TO THE BUS TO CHAT WITH THE DRIVER AND IT WAS MY HUSBAND'S ABUSER BEHIND THE WHEEL, NOT THE KIDS' DRIVER. THE BUS PULLED AWAY AND I WOKE UP SHAKING.

I HATE THE FACT THAT I CANNOT TALK TO MY HUSBAND ABOUT THIS. I FEEL LIKE I'M KEEPING SECRETS.

HAVE A HAPPY TURKEY DAY. KEEP YOUR CHIN UP.

MARSHA


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#60968 - 11/22/00 07:19 AM Re: Help
tinker Offline
Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 32
Hi Marsha,
No turkey here being a Canadian and all but I hope you have a nice holiday. As for Christmas .... don't know how to handle that one. We discussed divorce last night and we are both quite upset today. I know I can't live with what he has done, or forgive him again but I panic and change my mind every time it comes to a final decision. I just wish this would all go away. I am now getting pressure from family and the therapist to leave or make a final decision to stay.

I really hope your life is better than this right now. Are you sure you can't discuss what is happening with your husband? Perhaps you could go to his therapy session with him and bring it to the light of day. You need EACH OTHER to get through this and it is not the secrets that cause a problem, it's feelings tied to them. He is obviously a strong man to have made it this far so he could have strength for you too.

[This message has been edited by tinker (edited 11-22-2000).]


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#60969 - 11/26/00 08:29 AM Re: Help
MARSHA Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 24
YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE RIGHT. I DO THINK THAT I SHOULD TELL MY HUSBAND. I FEEL LIKE I AM BUILDING UP MY WALL AGAIN, BUT THIS TIME TO PROTECT HIM, INSTEAD OF MYSELF. MAYBE I WILL GO TO THERAPY WITH HIM. THANKS.

DON'T FEEL PRESSURE FROM ANYONE TO MAKE A FINAL DECISION UNTIL YOU ARE READY, BUT, IF YOU ARE READY, DON'T LET YOUR HUSBAND CHANGE YOUR MIND. IF YOU NEED MORE TIME, TAKE ALL THE TIME YOU NEED. RIGHT NOW YOU JUST HAVE TO LOOK OUT FOR YOURSELF, AND YOU WILL KNOW WHAT IS BEST.

HANG IN THERE!
MARSHA


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#60970 - 11/27/00 06:38 AM Re: Help
tinker Offline
Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 32
Please let me know how the session goes Marsha, I will be thinking of you both.
Love Tink


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#60971 - 12/01/00 07:21 AM Re: Help
tinker Offline
Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 32
Hi Marsha,
I wanted to touch base with you and see how things are going. Have you gone to a session with your husband yet? Are you still feeling quite strong? I know this time of year can be difficult for some people so I hope it is a peaceful time for your family.

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

Love and a big hug,
Tink


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#60972 - 12/01/00 12:35 PM Re: Help
tinker Offline
Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 32
walldestructer -

I understood this section was for partners and friends of survivors to support each other regarding the difficulties we face living with the issues or just to have someone to talk to anonymously, friends & family may not know what is happening.

I can no longer give my husband support in his recovery because he does not wish to recover. I can however be here for Marsha and listen to her concerns which are valid and real. We do sometimes get off topic but that is what we need on occasion, just to blow off steam. The conversation is not just intended for just Marsha and I but there are not a lot of people who post under partners & friends. If you find our conversations unnecessary to you we will be sure to keep all of our posts labeled HELP and you can please disregard them.
Regards,
Tink

[This message has been edited by tinker (edited 12-01-2000).]


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#60973 - 12/01/00 01:39 PM Re: Help
MARSHA Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 24
I LOVE THE PIDGEON - STATUE QUOTE! THAT JUST ABOUT SUMS IT UP! THINGS ARE GOOD NOW THAT WE'RE HOME. I DO NOT THINK THAT WE WILL GO TO HIS FAMILIY'S OVER THE HOLIDAYS. HOW ARE YOU FEELING. THIS WILL BE A TOUGH TIME FOR YOU, TOO.

I, TOO, WROTE TO SHELBY. SHE IS WHERE WE WERE AT. I FEEL SO BAD FOR HER. DO YOU FEEL ANY SENSE OF CLOSURE? ONCE YOU DO, I'M SURE IT WILL GIVE YOU MORE PEACE.

THANKS FOR YOUR SUPPORT! TALK SOON.

MARSHA


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#60974 - 12/01/00 01:55 PM Re: Help
tinker Offline
Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 32
Hey Marsha,
I am doing ok and he is finally going to therapy, I hope he finds his way. I have not gotten any closure because he shows up at home around midnight every night and calls 4-5 times a day, he is having a really rough time. I miss him.
Glad to hear things are going better for you ... does your husbands depression get bad this time of year? It would be nice if the husbands would post here sometimes, they could use the help.
Till we meet again!
Tink


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#60975 - 12/04/00 06:30 AM Re: Help
MARSHA Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 24
HEY TINK,

ALL IS PRETTY GOOD ON THE HOMEFRONT. I LOVE THE STATUE SAYING. THAT PRETTY MUCH SUMS THINGS UP.
I, TOO, RESPONDED TO SHELBY. I FEEL REALLY BAD FOR HER. SHE SEEMS TO BE WHERE WE WERE A FEW MONTHS AGO. EACH SITUATION IS SO DIFFERENT. THE RIGHT SOLUTION FOR ONE IS NOT ALWAYS THE RIGHT DECISION FOR ANOTHER. IT REALLY GETS COMPLICATED.

RIGHT NOW IS MY HUSBAND'S "BUSY SEASON" AT WORK, SO HE HAS BEEN WORKING LIKE CRAZY. AFTER NEW YEAR'S, HE SLOWS DOWN AGAIN. I SPOKE TO HIS MOM THE OTHER DAY AND FOR SOME REASON, SHE THINKS THAT WE ARE COMING UP IN JANUARY. (WE'RE NOT) IT WAS SUCH AN AWFUL VISIT FOR MY HUSBAND, EMOTIONALY, AND FOR ME BECAUSE OF RUNNING INTO THAT CREEP. IN HER DEFENSE, SHE IS UNAWARE OF ALL OF THIS "BEHIND THE SCENES" STUFF, BUT I'M NOT SURE HOW TO GO ABOUT TELLING HER THAT FOR QUITE SOME TIME, HER SON CANNOT COME HOME.
I'M NOT ALL THAT WORRIED ABOUT IT THOUGH.

HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING WITH YOUR HUSBAND. WHAT'S GOING ON. HAVE YOU MADE ANY PLANS FOR THE FUTURE? KEEP ME POSTED. YOU ARE DOING GREAT! I HOPE THAT YOU KNOW THAT. YOU ARE BEING VERY STRONG AND YOU KNOW WHAT IS RIGHT FOR YOU.

TALK SOON,
MARSHA


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#60976 - 12/13/00 07:29 AM Re: Help
MARSHA Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 24
HEY TINK,
I'M NOT SURE WHERE TO POST ANYMORE. I READ YOUR RESPONSE TO ASH AND YOU ARE REALLY DOING GREAT! ARE YOU FEELING ANY BETTER. YOU SOUND SO MUCH STRONGER. HAS HE STOPPIED CALLING YOPU SO MUCH? WHERE ARE THE TWO OF YOU AT?

MARSHA


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#60977 - 12/19/00 10:51 AM Re: Help
tinker Offline
Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 32
Hi Marsha,
I am just having a rough time and not really up to posting right now but I am thinking of you and would like to know how you are doing.
Tink


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