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#60932 - 10/16/00 10:29 AM Help
tinker Offline
Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 32
My husband is a survivor, to what extent I do not know. He told me last year that he remembered an isolated incident when he was young but it didn't bother him. He had an affair 2 months ago and while visiting his doctor (with me) he was asked if ever abused, he told the doctor it lasted for a year (news to me). Disclosing this information to the doctor later infuriated him, I was previously the only person who knew. I have contemplated leaving my husband simply out of pain because his short affair seemed to be self serving but he could not explain what came over him. He said I didn't seem to need him and it was nice to be wanted by someone. He has always been calm, self assured, unemotional, hard to cuddle, very sexual (any touch), promiscuous in youth, substance abuse. Can anyone relate? I have been searching the net for info, something that surprised me was he is terrified of the dentist and suffers panic attacks which I read is a connection. I though survivors usually show low self-esteem and withdrawal from social situations?
We both went to a counseling session to deal with our relationship and the affair. He has decided to go alone next time and that is promising to me. I am having difficulty being supportive because he has hurt me so and turned away from our marriage. I am feeling like I might be grasping at straws to find a reason for his affair.

The last thing I want to do is abandon him if this is the source of his pain and problems. As I said I do not know the extent of his abuse but I know it was around the age of 7 and no one knows about it. Could it have affected him so horribly that he would act out in this way? He loves me more than anyone else in his life and I can see that, but why would he punish me? I have seen him with the man who abused him and didn't see any reaction. This man is about 5 years older than him.

I can not get completely close to him, ever. He will only get so close. He has always needed constant distraction with TV, music, drinking, socializing. He has cheated on every woman he has ever dated (including me 4 times). He cannot explain why it happens, he says "it just keeps happening to me". He is now terrified that I will leave him, very emotional (not normal for him)and has always been so sorry after it happened. He tells me some things are just personal, just for him. He will not open up. Could he be in that much pain that he doesn't even make a connection to his problems and the past abuse? Could it have had that profound of an effect on him?

He seems to have a fascination with porn, an*l sex and masturbation. Please help me help him before I go crazy? Can we have a normal life together? can he heal?


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#60933 - 10/16/00 12:17 PM Re: Help
MARSHA Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 24
I DO KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH. I FEEL LIKE I COULD WRITE TO YOU FOR HOURS WITH MY EXPERIENCES WITH MY HUSBAND. HE WAS ABUSED AS A YOUNG TEEN AND COMPLETELY DENIED IT AFFECTED HIM. HE IS HYPER ACTIVE, VERY SEXUAL, AND COMPULSIVE ABOUT DIFFERENT THINGS AT DIFFERENT TIMES. IT RANGES FROM SMOKING TO SEX TO DRINKING TO EATING TO WORK. WORK IS THE MOST OBSESSIVE. HE COULD BE GONE FROM 5;00AM TO MIDNIGHT 6 DAYS A WEEK, JUST WORKING. HIS OTHER OBSESSION WOULD BE SLEEP, ESPECIALLY WHEN THE DEPRESSION GOT THE BEST OF HIM.

WE ARE COMING UP ON OUR 10th ANNIVERSERY AND HAVE 2 CHILDREN. WE HAVE CERTAINLY HAD OUR UPS AND DOWNS AND I BLAME IT ALL ON THE ABUSE. HIS MIND WORKS DIFFERENTLY. I DON'T HAVE ANY TRADGEYT IN MY HISTORY. I GREW UP LIKE AN "AVERAGE KID", OBVIOUSLY, HE DID NOT AND HAS BEEN KEEPING SECRETS HIS WHOLE LIFE. EVEN FROM ME.HE THOUGHT I WOULD LOVE HIM LESS.

IT HIT THE FAN THIS SUMMER WHEN I WENT AWAY FOR A LONG WEEK END WITH THE KIDS, HE HAD TO WORK. I WAS ONLY GONE 4 DAYS. THE NEXT MONTH I RECEIVED THE CREDIT CARD BILL AND DATED THAT WEEK END WAS A $600.00 CHANRGE AT A STRIP CLUB. I FLIPPED! I LATER FOUND OUT THAT NOT ONLY WAS HE "JUST" AT THE CLUB, BUT HE HAD A LAP DANCE. (HE HAD CHEATED ONE TIME 4 YEARS PRIOR) HE INSISTED THAT THIS WAS NOT CHEATING. I FINALLY THREW HIM OUT.

AFTER A WEEK OF BEING IN SEPERATE HOMES, HE CAME BACK, FOR THE KID'S SAKE, BUT I STILL DID NOT KNOW WHERE I STOOD ABOUT OUR MARRAIGE. I REALLY FELT LIKE A DOORMAT AND I HAD TO SCRAPE MYSELF UP OFF THE FLOOR. I FINALLY CONFIDED IN ONE PERSON AND WITH HER HELP AND GOD, I MADE MY DECISION TO TRY ONE MORE TIME, BUT I HAVE SET BOUNDRIES.

HE HAD TO GO TO EXTENSIVE COUNSELING. HE FINALLY TOLD ME ALL OF THE SECRETS, NOT BITS AND PIECES OF IT, AND WE LIVED IN THE SAME HOUSE, BUT SEPERATE LIVES FOR A MONTH OR SO. HE SAID THAT ONCE HE TOLD ME ALL OF HIS PAIN AND FEARS, HE FELT LIKE ROCKS WERE LIFTED OFF OF HIS SHOLDERS. HE LITERALLY TRANSFORMED. HIS ANGER IS ALMOST NON-EXISTANT, HE IS GENTLE AND WARM, AND HIS WORK IS NOT CONSUMING HIM (NEITHER ARE ANY OF THE OTHER THINGS). HE ALSO ASKS ME FOR HELP.

I AM STILL LEARY, I DO HAVE TO ADMIT, BUT I DO SEE A CHANGED MAN. HE HAS BEEN READING BOOKS TO HELP HIM, INCLUDING THE BIBLE. I DO LOVE HIM AND WANT TO GROW OLD WITH HIM, BUT THAT LAST "LINE IN THE SAND" HAS BEEN DRAWN. I HOPE IT IS NEVER CROSSED.

THIS IS MY ADVICE, AFTER 10 YEARS. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE ABUSE, AS HE WASN'T, AND WHILE YOUR HEART BREAKS FOR HIM, YOU ARE HIS WIFE AND SHOULD BE CHERRISHED AND LOVED PROPERLY. DON'T BE A DOORMAT. I KNOW HOW SCARY IT IS FOR YOU AND HOW "NORMAL" YOU WANT TO BE. BELIEVE ME, I KNOW! SET BOUNDRIES AND MAKE HIM LIVE UP TO THEM. YOU SHOULD NOT BE PUNISHED FOR WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM, AND HE WILL FEEL BETTER WHEN HE SEES YOU HAPPY.

TOUGH LOVE. (COULDN'T GET MUCH TOUGHER!)


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#60934 - 10/16/00 01:37 PM Re: Help
tinker Offline
Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 32
Wow! Your story does sound similar and God help me it made me cry just knowing how you feel. I was hoping no one else has to go through this. I think I will always live in fear of that line being crossed. I am so angry that this is my life no matter what caused it. He didn't deserve what happened to him but you would think after all of that pain he would make sure not to inflict on others. I still don't know what to do ... I don't want to be a lab rat for him and see what will work. If not for the affairs I would support him as long as he needed me, now I just don't know. How can I support him when he has hurt me so? Where do you find the strength and why? How long did you go to counceling? What sort of boundaries did you set?
Feeling lost...


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#60935 - 10/16/00 04:21 PM Re: Help
Carl123 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/11/00
Posts: 25
Loc: PA, USA
Dear Tinker and Marsha;

I am a 40 year old male who comes from the exact same background as your husbands. Your/their stories absloutley paralell mine. I have been married for 12 years and over that time have struggled constantly agains acting out on all my sexual compulsions.

I would be happy to correspond with you via E-mail to answer your questions and share my insights. Perhaps you can use me as your sounding board in helping to understand your husband better.

I too have wronged my wife once (almost twice) and it has caused a great deal of strife in our lives. My wife certainly doesn't deserve my behavior. But here's the clincher, neither do I.

Perhps that has been the starting point for your husbands as well.

For the longest time I felt compelled to pursue all kinds of risky beahavior, from substance abuse to internet porn and acting out liasons. The entry point in healing for me (and I still have along way to go) is trying to understand THAT I DESREVE BETTER.

Much of our behavior is motivated by depression, self-loathing and self-hatred. I know that I spent a great deal of my life feeling absolutely horrible about who I am. To this day, I have a very poor and fractured self-image. All the behaviors you describe are ones that I pursued as well. These destractions become necessary survival mechanisms because they insulate us from ourselves. Anything is better than the pain and suffering that lies within.

Working long hours seems to be a socially acceptable way to keep running away from our pain, but there are many many secrets we carry as well.

The best thing for me is thelove and understanding that my wife provides me. She allows me to tell her my secrets and does not judge me. This helps a great deal. The road to a cure begins with full disclosure. Once all the secrets are out and in the open, it's lie a huge burden is lifted. We are no longer alone at this point. It's all out on the table. From there, we need therapy, support from friends,the community and family and unconditional love. We need an environment that encourages the REAL us to emerge.

I know you feel betrayed by your husbands, and rightfully so. What they did, just as what I did, is inexcusable. But if you have the patience to work with them, and donot judge them too much, I think you stand a very good chance of coming out of this a stronger couple.

Look, I want nothing more than to love and honor my wife. Truly I do. Sometimes it's a struggle to do the right thing. I know this sounds hard to beleive, but it's true. Sometimes my mind just snaps and I explode. But in working through these issues with my wife, we've been able to come to a mutual understanding. And we relalize that therapy and counseling are ghoing to be necessary as well.

Good luck and please feel free to E-mail me as well.

Carl123


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#60936 - 10/17/00 10:56 AM Re: Help
MARSHA Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 24
DEAR TINKER,

YOU SOUND LIKE I WAS ABOUT THREE MONTHS AGO, AS I WAS AT NUMEROUS OTHER TIMES THROUGHOUT OUR MARRAIGE. I FELT SO ANGRY AT HIM AND THAT WE COULD NOT BE NORMAL. THEN I WOULD FEEL GUILTY WHEN I REALIZED THE "REAL"REASON AS TO WHY SOMETHING HAD HAPPENED: AFFAIRS, DRINKING, LYING, AND SO ON. AGAIN, WHILE I CANNOT EVEN THINK ABOUT THE ABUSE THAT MY HUSBAND SUFFERED WITHOUT WELLIING UP, IT WAS NOT MY FAULT. I HAVE BEEN THE ONLY ONE IN HIS LIFE THAT HAS ENCOURAGED HIM AND SUPPORTED HIM IN WHATEVER WAY HE NEEDED IN ORDER TO "DEAL" WITH IT. IT WILL NEVER BE PUT IN THE PAST, IT WILL ALWAYS BE A PART OF HIM, BUT HIS FAMILY, THE POLICE, TEACHERS, ETC. DID NOT SUPPORT HIM.

HE FINALLY REALIZED THIS SUMMER, WHILE HE WAS OUT OF THE HOUSE, THAT I HAD BEEN HIS SUPPORT. HE DID NOT SEE IT UNTIL THAT POINT. AFTER THAT, HE FELT "SAFE" WITH ME. HE CONFIDED IN ME THINGS THAT HE HAD BEEN BURRING FOR YEARS. HE FELT SAFE, FINALLY.

HE DID TELL ME THAT UP UNTIL THAT POINT, SEX WAS HIS SAFETY ISN'T THAT IRONIC? WHEN THINGS WERE GOOD BETWEEN US, HE DID NOT GO TO OUTSIDE SOURCES OR HAVE "CERTAIN THOUGHTS". WHEN THEY WERE BAD BETWEEN US, HE NEEDED SEX TO FEEL SAFE AND MASCULINE, SO HE DID WHATEVER IT TOOK TO FEEL BETTER. HE HAD BEEN HAVING TERRIBLE NIGHTMARES, UP UNTIL THAT POINT. THEY ARE ALMOST NON-EXISTENT PRESENTLY.

AGAIN, THE BOUNDRIES NEED TO BE ESTABLISHED, FOR BOTH OF YOU. I HAD TO LEARN WHAT HE NEEDED TO FEEL SAFE WITH ME. THE EXTRA HUGS, THE E-MAILS AT WORK, LITTLE THINGS THAT WE DON'T THINK ABOUT AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR SO LONG. WHAT I NEED IS TO TRUST HIM. ONCE I CAN DO THAT, WE'RE REALLY GETTING THERE, I WILL BE ABLE TO LOVE HIM AT A DIFFERENT LEVEL.

I ALSO USED TO TRY PREVENT THE INEVITABLE. IF HE WAS VERY LATE COMING HOME, I WOULD WORRY THAT HE WAS DRINKING OR WORSE. I HAVE LET GO OF THAT. RIGHT NOW I AM LIVING THE LIFE THAT I AM SUPPOSED TO LIVE. I AM DOING MY BEST TO BE THE BEST WIFE THAT I CAN BE FOR MY HUSBAND, I LOVE BEING A MOM, I DO MY BEST AT MY JOB, I VOLUNTEER MY TIME (WITH ABUSED CHILDREN), I ENJOY BEING WITH OUR FRIENDS AND EXTENDED FAMILY. I AM LIVING A GOOD LIFE AND RIGHT NOW EVERYTHING IS IN GOD'S HANDS. IF HE CHOOSES TO DO THINGS THAT WILL ENDANGER OUR LIVES TOGETHER, THERE IS NOTHING MORE THAT I CAN DO! IF WE CONTINUE TO WORK AT THIS, I PLAN AND HOPE TO LIVE TOGETHER FOREVER, BUT HE DOES KNOW THAT THERE ARE NO MORE CHANCES. (BY THE WAY, THIS IS NEVER "THROWN IN HIS FACE". WE WERE VERY CLEAR WHEN WE DECIDED TO STAY TOGETHER, AND I DOES NOT NEED TO BE MENTIONED AGAIN BETWEEN THE TWO OF US.)

HE CAN COME TO ME FOR ANYTHING, IF HE IS FEELING BAD AND SELF-DESTRUCTIVE, HE NEEDS TO TELL ME IF I HAVE NOT ALREADY FIGURED IT OUT. IF HE AVOIDS, DENIES, AND LIES, I CANNOT HELP HIM AND THE DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR WILL START ALL OVER AGAIN. I DO NOT THINK THAT IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN. GOD HAS A PLAN FOR ALL OF OUR LIVES, ONLY HE KNOWS HOW IT WILL TURN OUT. HONESTLY, KNOWING THAT HAS HELPED ME THE MOST.

ONE OTHER THING THAT HELPED ME WAS A LITTLE EXTREME. FOUR YEARS AGO, MY HUSBAND WANTED TO PRESS CHARGES AGAINST THE MAN THAT RAPED HIM FOR A SUMMER. (IT WAS HIS EMPLOYER. THIS MAN HIRES TEENS TO WORK ON HIS FARM EACH SUMMER.) THIS MAN IS STILL ASSAULTING YOUNG BOYS. THE D.A. SAID THAT THE STATUTE OF LIMITAIONS HAD EXPIRED AND THEY WERE NOT GOING TO PERSUE ANYTHING. THIS WAS ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATING TO MY HUSBAND. ANYWAY, THE POINT IS, THIS MAN IS STILL LIVING IN MY HUSBAND'S HOMETOWN, HIRING BOYS, AND DESTROYING LIVES, AND NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT IT OR IS DOING ANYTHING. IT IS TERRIBLE WHEN WE HAVE TO GO UP THERE. WELL, I WROTE A LETTER TO THIS MAN. IT WAS NON-THREATENING. I TOLD HIM WHO I WAS, "A WIFE OF ONE OF MANY OF YOUR VICTIMS", THAT I KNEW WHAT HE DID, HOW IT HAS AFFECTED MY HUSBAND'S LIFE, MY LIFE, AND HOW HE NO LONGER, AFTER 16 YEARS, HAS ANY POWER OVER MY HUSBAND'S LIFE. I ALSO PLEADED FOR HIM TO STOP DESTROYING LIVES. I TOLD HIM THAT THE POLICE ARE AWARE OF HIS ACTIVITY, AND NO MATTER HOW POWERFUL HE IS, HE WILL GET CAUGHT ONE DAY.

IT TOOK MONTHS TO WRITE, BUT IT WAS THE MOST EMPOWERING THING THAT I HAVE EVER DONE! WEEKS LATER, I SHOWED MY HUSBAND, AND HE WAS SO TOUCHED. NO ONE HAD SUPPORTED HIM THROUGHOUT THIS ORDEAL TO THAT EXTENT.

PLEASE KEEP IN TOUCH, THIS HELPS ME, TOO.


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#60937 - 10/17/00 01:11 PM Re: Help
tinker Offline
Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 32
Marsha, Marsha, Marsha (just had to do that) I don't know where you find the strength but I'v got some cash squirreled away if you want to sell me some. I am feeling human today so I am holding nothing back!

It is difficult, as you know, to trust someone who has been untrustworthy in the past. I also can't make him trust me and I feel he is testing me this past couple of weeks. Little things that he would never do before like telling me "you need to go to the store" because he needed something and didn't want to go. I thought who is this!? He has pushed me to have sex when I clearly didn't want to. Very strange things are happening and it frightens me, I think some scary stuff is surfacing and he is not prepared to handle it. God help me. He is trying to take control of me and he has never attempted to do this before. Almost like he is re-enacting the persona of his abuser. He cancelled his first "alone" appointment with the therapist because of work and it is killing me. I have waited so long hoping he would disclose in his first appointment which is doubtful.

When did your husband disclose to you? Did his abusive behaviour continus after that day?


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#60938 - 10/17/00 01:12 PM Re: Help
tinker Offline
Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 32
Marsha,
Do you want my personal e-mail?


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#60939 - 10/18/00 11:19 AM Re: Help
MARSHA Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 24
TINKER, I WOULD LOVE YOUR E-MAIL, BUT I AM LEARY ABOUT GIVING IT OVER THE INTERNET, I'M SURE YOU ARE TOO. (I DON'T WANT OTHERS READING THIS USING PERSONAL E-MAIL) MY HUSBAND FINALLY DISCLOSED ALL OF HIS THOUGHTS AND FEARS THIS SUMMER. I AM FLATTERED THAT YOU THINK I AM A STRONG, BUT I REALLY DON'T FEEL LIKE I AM. EVERY DAY IS A STRUGGLE, BUT I KNOW I HAVE TO DO IT, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU ARE A MOM. AS FAR AS WHERE I DRAW MY STRENGTH FROM, IT IS FROM JESUS. I HOPE I DON'T SCARE YOU OFF WHEN I SAY THAT, BUT IT IS TRUE. I COULDN'T DEPEND ON MY HUSBAND AND I DID NOT WANT ANYONE ELSE KNOWING MY BUSINESS, SO I KEPT IT TO MYSELF FOR 9 YEARS. WHEN IT ALL HIT THE FAN THE LAST TIME AND I WAS CONTEMPLATING DISSOLVING OUR MARRAIGE, I REALLY TURNED TO JESUS FOR HELP AND ANSWERS. IF I HADN'T, WE WOULD BE SEPARATED NOW, AND I AM GLAD THAT WE ARE NOT. IN THE PAST,I BUILT THIS WALL AROUND ME AND MADE SURE THAT, WHILE I LOVE MY FRIENDS, NO ONE KNEW ANYTHING, EVEN MY FAMILY. I BECAME HARD AND CALLISED. IT IS STILL HARD TO BREAK THAT WALL DOWN. LIKE I SAID, THIS IS VERY HELPFUL TO ME BECAUSE NOT ONLY ARE WE DEALING WITH SIMILAR CIRCUMSTANCES, BUT WE WILL NEVER MEET. YOU ARE SAFE.

I DO HAVE TO SAY THAT I AM CONCERNED FOR YOU. MY HUSBAND NEVER DISPLAYED CONTROLLING ACTIONS. IN FACT, HE WITHDREW. I GET NERVOUS WHEN I HEAR ABOUT CONTROLLING MEN. HOW IS HE WITH YOUR CHILDREN? HAS HE EVER HIT OR SHOVED YOU? THAT CANNOT BE TOLERATED. IT REALLY SOUNDS LIKE YOU NEED AN OTHER "SAFE PERSON", OTHER THAN ME, TO HELP YOU. HAVE YOU SEEN A COUNSELOR? DO YOU HAVE A PASTOR YOU CAN TALK TO. ARE YOU CLOSE WITH A SISTER OR YOUR MOM, IF YOU CANNOT CONFIDE IN A FRIEND. HOW CONCERNED FOR YOUR SAFETY ARE YOU? COULD HE BLOW. I THINK THAT YOU ARE RIGHT TO BE DISCOURAGED THAT HE CANCELLED HIS DR. APPOINTMENT. THAT IS WHAT MY HUSBAND DID 4 YEARS AGO, AND HE HAD NOT GONE BACK UNTIL THIS SUMMER. HE HAS NOW BEEN GOING SINCE AUGUST.

DOES YOUR HUSBAND HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM? THAT IS WHAT CONSUMED MY HUSBAND. FOR A LONG TIME HE ALSO THOUGHT HE WAS GAY. THIS TERRIFIED HIM. HE DID NOT KNOW THAT IT IS VERY COMMON FOR BOYS WHO WERE ABUSED BY MEN TO STRUGGLE WITH THEIR IDENTITY. SOME TRUELY ARE GAY, THE ABUSE DID NOT "MAKE THEM THAT WAY", OTHERS ARE HETEROSEXUAL BUT BELIEVE THAT THEY WERE "CHOSEN" BECAUSE THEY EXHIBITED TYPICAL GAY CHARACTERISTICS. ON TOP OF EVERYTHING, THEIR SELF-ESTEEM IS NEXT TO NOTHING AFTER THIS HAPPENS.

OUR BIGGEST STRUGGLE IS ALSO THE TRUST ISSUES. IT IS HARD FOR ME FOR OBVIOUS REASONS, HIS TRACK RECORD. IT IS ALSO HARD FOR MY HUSBAND FOR A COUPLE OF REASONS. FIRST I HAVE NEVER CHEATED, LIED, OR DECEIVED HIM, SO HE HAS NO IDEA WHAT IT FEELS LIKE, WHEN YOUR SPOUSE DOES THIS. SECOND, AFTER HE LIFTED HIS SECRETS, HE IMMEDIATELY FELT LIKE A NEW MAN, CHANGED! HE FELT THE DIFFERENCE, THEREFORE, SO SHOULD I. HE IS FRUSTRATED THAT I CAN'T SEE THAT THIS TIME IS DIFFERENT. WHILE I DO SEE THAT, IT IS STILL DIFFICULT TO BREAK DOWN THAT WALL THAT WAS PUT UP FOR SO MANY DIFFERENT REASONS.

AGAIN, I AM CONCERNED FOR YOU. I DO HOPE YOU ARE SAFE, PHYSICALLY, LIVING IN THE SAME HOUSE. IF YOU ARE NOT, PLEASE LISTEN TO YOUR GUT INSTINCT. YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN NEED TO BE SAFE!

TALK SOON!


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#60940 - 10/18/00 12:05 PM Re: Help
tinker Offline
Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 32
Hi Marsha,
We don't have any children so my decisions can be for my own selfish reasons and somehow I guess that makes this easier. I do not fear for my safety. My husband has never even called me a dirty name (outside of fun) or physically shown any aggression. It is more psychological warfare right now and perhaps he is showing some emotional withdrawal that way. He has always been a "yes dear", "whatever you want dear" so I am noticing major changes. Perhaps he thinks since I didn't leave him yet again after saying I would, that he can get away with anything. I wish I was someone else today, somewhere else and married to no one. This seems bigger than the both of us and it is just beginning.

I tried again to talk to my husband last night but he shut me out several times by saying "I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS". He knows it is a problem but he is not ready to deal with it so I am waiting 1 week and if he hasn't at least made an appointment the ultimatum will be delivered. I don't know if he will choose his pain over me but I fear the worst. That is all I can do for now.

I wish you and your family well Marsha and hope you will feel more comfortable and secure with your husband soon. Everything takes time as I am sure you know and someday soon you may see him as a forever changed man.
Talk soon.


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#60941 - 10/20/00 06:52 AM Re: Help
MARSHA Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/16/00
Posts: 24
TINKER, I'M GLAD THAT YOU ARE PHYSICALLY SAFE, UNFORTUNATELY, EMOTIONALLY YOU ARE NOT. I HAVE FOUND THAT IF I PUSHED HIM TO GO TO FAR TO FAST, IT WOULD BACKFIRE AND UNFORTUNATELY, WE WOULD BE SET BACK MANY STEPS. MY HUSBAND HAD TO HIT ABSOLUTE ROCK BOTTOM, WHEN HE FELT HE WAS GOING TO LOSE EVERYTHING THAT TRUELY MATTERED TO HIM, THAT HE KNEW HE HAD TO DEAL WITH HIS PAST. ALSO, IF HE IS WITH THE WRONG THERAPIST, THAT, TOO, CAN SET ONE BACK. LAST NIGHT, MY HUSBAND CAME HOME AFTER HIS APPOINTMENT COMMENTING HOW COMFORTABLE HE WAS WITH HIS PRESENT THERAPIST, AND HE REALIZED JUST HOW WRONG THE THERAPIST WAS FOR HIM FOUR YEARS AGO. BECAUSE OF THAT NEGATIVE EXPERIENCE, HE HAD BEEN HESITANT TO RESUME ANY THERAPY AT ALL.

HOW COMPLICATED THIS ALL GETS!

HANG IN THERE!


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