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#60873 - 07/15/04 05:54 PM Is my husband repeating the cycle?
Struggling Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/08/04
Posts: 10
Loc: Maryland
My husband was sexually abused as an adolescent by a family member (he won’t say who) for a period of 3 –5 years. I’ve been married now for 6 months. In a nutshell, we have a great relationship and we love each other dearly. He is usually very sweet and attentive to me. However, something that happened today is making me a bit scared.

Anyway, today as we were browsing an apt. store, I found some shoes that I loved on sale. We are on a pretty tight budget, so we don’t spend hardly any extra money unless it is a good deal. Anyway, my husband tells me that the deal is not good enough ($20) and usually we buy them cheaper ($10 - $15). I get upset, because he has gotten so cheap lately that I feel I have no control over anything. He buys my clothes, handles the finances, etc. Well, in the course of the conversation and as we were parting our separate ways, he pulls me back and grabs me by the arm and starts to pinch my elbow, telling me that I should stop acting so childish. Then he grabs my forearm and would not let go (by this time, people are definitely looking) and tells me that he has a “mind to slap” me. He has never really threatened or acted upon physical violence before. Now I am scared – is this just going to get worse?

_________________________
Stuggling

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#60874 - 07/15/04 06:01 PM Re: Is my husband repeating the cycle?
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
If he is not in therapy, he needs to be.

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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#60875 - 07/15/04 06:12 PM Re: Is my husband repeating the cycle?
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
So very sorry to hear about all of this - it always comes as such a terrible shock when the person we love turns out to have such a dark side.

No one can predict the future. However, it is probably fair to say that most abused women never entered into their relationships thinking that their loved ones would end up being so destructive.

Please educate yourself on all the symptoms. If you find that the de>
_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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#60876 - 07/16/04 07:22 AM Re: Is my husband repeating the cycle?
Archnut Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/02
Posts: 343
Loc: United Kingdom
Will it get worse?

I'm afraid in time it will, if my experiences are anything to go by.

I'm very ashamed to say that I physically assaulted my wife. I had no idea at the time that I had anger management issues. I was convicted, fined and put on probation for a while. This may not seem much, but that gave me a criminal record. I had not disclosed my abuse at this time. I would now be deemed an unreliable witness (because of that record) in any trial against my abusers, the defending barrister would destroy me in the box with that information alone.

I hope one day to be able to forgive myself but as yet I am not in that place to do so.

Archnut
"And all that was left was hope"

My Story (Triggers)
http://www.waltonhop.blogspot.com


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#60877 - 07/16/04 10:57 AM Re: Is my husband repeating the cycle?
Dan88 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/02
Posts: 247
Loc: DC
I'll just chip in with what I'm sure you already know. It's time for him to make a serious commitment to getting some help, by which I mean getting counselling now, or for you to leave. Or both. If you feel threatened, get away from him now and work out whether you'll get back together later after he's getting help.

I'm terribly sorry for your situation, but his history of abuse is no excuse for this behavior.


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#60878 - 07/16/04 10:59 AM Re: Is my husband repeating the cycle?
Struggling Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/08/04
Posts: 10
Loc: Maryland
Thanks for your comments. I honestly have been trying to minimize what happened, especially since he did not hit me or anything, it just seemed so out of character for him. He did apologize later on that day for losing his temper, and I told him under NO circumstances would I allow him to hit me, so that if he thought that at any time he would want to hit me, he had better think twice about it, because it is a clear deal-breaker.

He usually is a calm person, and I have never really seen him lose his temper like he did, so this incident really freaked me out. I want him to go into some type of therapy or counseling, but I know he won’t do it. His excuse has been that he is dealing with it, or he tries not to think about it.

Thanks everyone.

_________________________
Stuggling

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#60879 - 07/16/04 11:18 AM Re: Is my husband repeating the cycle?
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
You sound like a strong, loving person with a realistic grasp of the situation: this will certainly help you navigate through your relationship.

By all means, though, get some support for yourself even if "he" can't quite do this just yet.

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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#60880 - 07/17/04 07:21 PM Re: Is my husband repeating the cycle?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Struggling

Quote:
I want him to go into some type of therapy or counseling, but I know he won’t do it. His excuse has been that he is dealing with it, or he tries not to think about it.
Sadly, this is all too common. It's the 'macho crap' within us.
We believe that we are strong enough, smart enough and capable enough to sort ourselves out and 'deal with it'
The truth is different I think. All we seem to achieve on our own is go in ever decreasing circles - we perceive the same problems, we use the same thinking process to analyze the problems, we arrive the same conclusions, we try the same cure for the problems, and we get the same result for all our efforts.
And if it didn't work the first time, why the hell is it likely to work every time after that ?
I did this for 31 years, then I went into therapy and have more or less sorted my problems in under 5 years. Life isn't perfect, but I learned so many things about myself in therapy that I altered the way I thought, therefore I tried different things and got different results. Some worked, and as I progressed, more and more worked.
Therapy wont provide the definitive answers or a cure, what it can do is allow us to think CLEARLY, and that's what seems to count.

"Trying not to think about it" - I tried, as have most of the guys her I should think. But I had no success there at all, I don't think it's possible to force ourselves to forget.
Many try with drink and drugs, but that doesn't seem to work either.

The other thing I'd like to add is that Survivors don't seem to react positively to being pushed and persuaded into therapy, no matter how well intentioned the pressure is.
It seems as though it's something we have to do on our own, and some have said that they actually react against persuasion and dig their heels in even more.
We were damaged by the abuse of power, and we react strongly to anyone trying to impose their will on us now as adults.
Also the 'macho crap' is a big thing when it comes to therapy. We usually see it as an admission of being crazy rather than a source of help. If it was a car that was sick, we'd ask :rolleyes:

The glimmer of hope lies in the fact that he has disclosed his abuse to you, and MAYBE he will accept your support ?
If you think he will, then perhaps buy a book such as Mike Lew's "Victims No Longer" so you "can do some research into something that might help him"
If you leave the book "lying around" somewhere, then my bet is he'd be unable to resist picking it up. And who knows, he might just figure out that he's not alone, there is help, and it can make a world of difference.
This type of scheme might be impossible for you, but the general idea is to plant the seeds of ideas, and then let him come up with the actual ideas. It's that 'macho crap' again, hey - we're MEN, how can we possibly be wrong ? \:D

I hope he does come around to healing properly, because if he's expressing his rage and frustrations with being physical with you then I would have to doubt he's going to control it easily without help.
And if he's not willing to seek help then you have to consider the safety of the most important person in your world - YOU, and it's not just physical safety, it's mental safety as well that you have to consider.
Even when we're doing the work and having therapy we're high-maintainance people, without help we're broken - sometimes for good.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#60881 - 07/17/04 08:52 PM Re: Is my husband repeating the cycle?
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Quote:
Originally posted by Lloydy:

Quote:
I want him to go into some type of therapy or counseling, but I know he won’t do it. His excuse has been that he is dealing with it, or he tries not to think about it.
Sadly, this is all too common. It's the 'macho crap' within us.
We believe that we are strong enough, smart enough and capable enough to sort ourselves out and 'deal with it'
The truth is different I think. All we seem to achieve on our own is go in ever decreasing circles - we perceive the same problems, we use the same thinking process to analyze the problems, we arrive the same conclusions, we try the same cure for the problems, and we get the same result for all our efforts.
Dave - You are so, so very right in this. I think if every man who's been abused read what you wrote above, this board would be overflowing with new members. Excellent post.

_________________________
Eddie

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#60882 - 07/19/04 09:45 AM Re: Is my husband repeating the cycle?
Struggling Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/08/04
Posts: 10
Loc: Maryland
Thanks, Dave, and everyone else. I really appreciate your comments and concern.

_________________________
Stuggling

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#60883 - 07/19/04 10:22 AM Re: Is my husband repeating the cycle?
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
>>>I honestly have been trying to minimize what happened, especially since he did not hit me or anything, it just seemed so out of character for him.

Dont do that. The psychological consequences for you (feeling crazy, depression) are too serious. Stuffing this inside and "making it all ok" on the surface has a way of pickling your brain. Been there, done that.


>>>He did apologize later on that day for losing his temper,

Ppl with an anger problem usually do - you should look up the typical "anger cycle" on the internet somewhere - I'm sure there is a diagram out there. Usually the anger-problem person somewhere is triggered, the anger builds and builds, they blow up, then there is a phase of remorse where the abuser feels really bad, then a "honeymoon phase" where things are never better, its all wine and roses and romance, and at that point you are lulled into a false sense of confidence where everything is ok, then the cycle restarts again. The only thing that can break that cycle is for the person with the abusive/anger problem to get some education on what they are doing, some insight on when it starts to happen in them and to work on those "anger-inducing" inner beliefs, and then also to learn some new skills to deal with anger once it starts to build again.


>>>His excuse has been that he is dealing with it, or he tries not to think about it.

Excuses wont work. This situation WONT clear up on its own. It wont work to try not to think about it, it wont work to try and sweep it under the rug, it wont work to say one is dealing with it but then not to do anything about it. It will only be fixed by him learning a bit more about himself, him getting him to feel better about himself (people act in anger when they feel bad about themself and/or they are so afraid of their environment that they have to control it by any means necessary) he also has to clearly understanding that it is unacceptable to threaten physical harm or to actually act on violent urges, and for him to learn new ways of behaving when he is angry. He does not have to learn them necessarily by therapy, but that is the best way to learn them. Better to learn by therapy than by loosing his cool and actually hitting you and being convicted of assault. Some people learn their lessons the easy way (therapy) and some learn the hard way (being left, dumped, or charged for assault).

P


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#60884 - 07/19/04 10:25 AM Re: Is my husband repeating the cycle?
Aden Offline
Member

Registered: 07/05/04
Posts: 499
Struggling,

Dave/lloydy got it right. Protect your self first. Help your husband if you can, but under no circumstances allow your self to be abused in any way.

A little pinch on the elbow today can be a broken bone tomarrow. Many men who were abused become abusive. But then a strong caring person who loves us can put a stop to that. Sometimes. Look after yourself first.

My ex-wife beat me once. She hit me 40 times before I stopped her. We need to be understanding with the people we love. Sometimes we need to know when to duck. Other times we have got to strike back. And then there are the times that calling my wife the "EX" is the only solution left to me.

Aden


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