I want him to go into some type of therapy or counseling, but I know he won’t do it. His excuse has been that he is dealing with it, or he tries not to think about it.
Sadly, this is all too common. It's the 'macho crap' within us.
We believe that we are strong enough, smart enough and capable enough to sort ourselves out and 'deal with it'
The truth is different I think. All we seem to achieve on our own is go in ever decreasing circles - we perceive the same problems, we use the same thinking process to analyze the problems, we arrive the same conclusions, we try the same cure for the problems, and we get the same result for all our efforts.
And if it didn't work the first time, why the hell is it likely to work every time after that ?
I did this for 31 years, then I went into therapy and have more or less sorted my problems in under 5 years. Life isn't perfect, but I learned so many things about myself in therapy that I altered the way I thought, therefore I tried different things and got different results. Some worked, and as I progressed, more and more worked.
Therapy wont provide the definitive answers or a cure, what it can do is allow us to think CLEARLY, and that's what seems to count.
"Trying not to think about it" - I tried, as have most of the guys her I should think. But I had no success there at all, I don't think it's possible to force ourselves to forget.
Many try with drink and drugs, but that doesn't seem to work either.
The other thing I'd like to add is that Survivors don't seem to react positively to being pushed and persuaded into therapy, no matter how well intentioned the pressure is.
It seems as though it's something we have to do on our own, and some have said that they actually react against persuasion and dig their heels in even more.
We were damaged by the abuse of power, and we react strongly to anyone trying to impose their will on us now as adults.
Also the 'macho crap' is a big thing when it comes to therapy. We usually see it as an admission of being crazy rather than a source of help. If it was a car that was sick, we'd ask :rolleyes:
The glimmer of hope lies in the fact that he has disclosed his abuse to you, and MAYBE he will accept your support ?
If you think he will, then perhaps buy a book such as Mike Lew's "Victims No Longer" so you "can do some research into something that might help him"
If you leave the book "lying around" somewhere, then my bet is he'd be unable to resist picking it up. And who knows, he might just figure out that he's not alone, there is help, and it can make a world of difference.
This type of scheme might be impossible for you, but the general idea is to plant the seeds of ideas, and then let him come up with the actual ideas. It's that 'macho crap' again, hey - we're MEN, how can we possibly be wrong ?
I hope he does come around to healing properly, because if he's expressing his rage and frustrations with being physical with you then I would have to doubt he's going to control it easily without help.
And if he's not willing to seek help then you have to consider the safety of the most important person in your world - YOU, and it's not just physical safety, it's mental safety as well that you have to consider.
Even when we're doing the work and having therapy we're high-maintainance people, without help we're broken - sometimes for good.