I posted this on a forum meant for female survivors of SA, but I've so appreciated the support from all of you, and it's equally true for what you are going through adn have overcome, so I just wanted to share. I was feeling tough today, so I thought maybe I would try to pass on the good feeling to some of you.
The Little Scrapper.
Sometimes I feel like no one understands. Especially the people that love you and most want to. It's like you've crossed this line that has made you entirely different from all of them, and no matter how much they want to, they just can't get it. The funniest thing is that I don't think I'd want them to. Most of the things that I know that they tell themselves are to make themselves feel safe, so that they think it could never happen to them, and why would you take that away from someone you love? And how could you blame them for it?
Functioning beautifully in the world is in no small part about learning to lie to yourself in little ways that make you feel safe. Because it's hard to keep going every day being privy to the fact that you're not. How do you deal with knowing that things can happen, and sometimes there is nothing that you can do to stop them? It's hard knowing that no one is so special that they are safe. In fact, sometimes being special, being strong, being beautiful, or being loved is what causes them to come after you in the first place. Does that make it your fault? No. That you were smarter than them, happier than them, and had things that they wished they had and hated you for? Rape is about control, it's a way to tear a person down to a size that someone else thinks you should be, and I will never let them tear me down to that.
I still try everyday to live my life eyes open but not afraid. I believe that I am strong enough to see that I am vulnerable, that this did happen, that it can happen, but that I will not let it control who I am, how I treat others, and what I will accomplish. And some days I can't get out of bed, I watch movies all day long, or I hug porcelain when I'm too afraid, but I'm learning to forgive myself for that and know that more days than not I am working towards being myself again. Not just myself, but stronger than I was before this happened. Tougher because I live my life, and fight for what I want and what I believe in without lying to myself to be where I need to be. I am stronger because I can see and feel the pain of other people and really understand it, because I know it, and this gives me the potential to really help. I am stronger because nothing that anyone can say, or anything that anyone can do can ever shake me, because I've hit bottom, and I've climbed back up, and now I know that I always can.
I am stronger BECAUSE this happened, because it showed me how strong I am.
And man - am I strong. And so are all of you. I just wanted to say that.