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#60852 - 07/15/04 12:29 PM Are we allowing ourselves to be happy?
jaywho Offline
Member

Registered: 06/29/04
Posts: 39
Loc: WV
Ever wonder when the happiness will return. I mean complete happiness where the SA isnít mentioned in a day or thought about? Do you remember, (those of you that knew your loved one before you found out) the peace? No questions to ask, no fear, no wondering, no looking for answers, no pain, and no frustration . . .LIFE

I ask this because I find myself wondering what is normal now and if my life will ever be the same as before. Donít misunderstand me I just wonder how do we go on without putting it behind us at some point? The knowledge of the past will always be there but how do we not let it control our future?

I donít know if it is a thirst for knowledge I seek or a justification for my pain? What drives me really? Daily I am consumed with some type of grief, when will it be behind me if I continue to let it control my life. To feel this pain for 5 min. a day is enough to drive me nuts, will this be something I have to deal with all my life?

We can lie and say we never ask ourselves "is this worth it?" but I know I'm not alone here. What answer to that have you found?

I took a day yesterday to feel sorry for myself, realizing this is my life now. I donít do that often but when I do I would rather throw the covers over my head and pretend I donít exist. I wanna wake up without fear; I wanna have peace and donít know how to find it. I cry for no reason and I hurt so badly some times because I really didnít deserve this and although there is a cause (SA) my husband did those things; it sometimes isnít enough. I had 14 good years and never expected to feel this grief. I remember the time before, how do I accept this is my life now?

To those of you that have experienced pain from your partners SA I ask this question:

Ever wonder if you keep the memory of the pain they caused alive to prove how deeply you hurt? I mean, if I forget so easy then will it be easy for him to forget as well; will it be enough to make it ďnotď happen again?

Ever wonder if this message board keeps the fire burning. Yes you are helping others but are you not reminding yourself daily of the pain you feel? It does help to know your experiences have helped another but when do you put yourself first. I mean when do you ďlet it goĒ enough to enjoy life?

Just a thought, I miss it ya know; my old life. .. .

\:\( I never knew what real pain was until now. I never expected to feel it either by the one person I loved the most.
\:\(


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#60853 - 07/15/04 01:02 PM Re: Are we allowing ourselves to be happy?
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
Since I can go a few days without it, I believe that anyone can.

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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#60854 - 07/15/04 04:11 PM Re: Are we allowing ourselves to be happy?
Archnut Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/02
Posts: 343
Loc: United Kingdom
Jaywho

Normal life ... ... ... whats that?

All I have is obsessions and anger and its that anger that keeps me going but unfortunately clouds my view of life in general.

I have good days though, had one on Tuesday watching my three year old grandaughter at her sports day at nursery. I was so proud of her and she won a couple of races including "walking the teddy" which was brilliant. Those days are priceless and I hang on to them for dear life.

I would settle for all the crap for those feelings I had on Tuesday, it all seems worth it, if you know what I mean.

Archnut
"And all that was left was hope"

My Story (TRIGGERS)
http://www.waltonhop.blogspot.com


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#60855 - 07/16/04 09:53 AM Re: Are we allowing ourselves to be happy?
jaywho Offline
Member

Registered: 06/29/04
Posts: 39
Loc: WV
Archnut, Mike: got a song for you, country but great. Kinda reminds you like Archnut was trying to say:

http://mp.compuserve.com/audio.index.adp?mxid=1138159&refID=005000&partner=&_AOLFORM=w597.h395.p7

Archnut, I have a 7 month old and a 6 year old. I watch them daily and see what I am allowing myself to miss. I think that is why I hate feeling this way so much. You helped me in your response. I cried, pictured a little girl and her bear and realized what really makes me happy. It is my family . . this isn't my life, the SA, it is just a part of it!!!

Thanks guys, Jay


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#60856 - 07/17/04 10:27 AM Re: Are we allowing ourselves to be happy?
darp123 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/25/03
Posts: 15
Loc: Maryland
Jaywho,

You wrote:
__________________________________________________
Ever wonder when the happiness will return. I mean complete happiness where the SA isnít mentioned in a day or thought about? Do you remember, (those of you that knew your loved one before you found out) the peace? No questions to ask, no fear, no wondering, no looking for answers, no pain, and no frustration . . .LIFE
__________________________________________________

I found out about my H's SA and infidelity about 18 months ago. It has been a long rollercoaster ride but it is getting better. I have been there for my H because of the pain he is going through, the ptsd, self hatred, anxiety attacks.... but I also been in a lot of pain myself because of his Affair. Even though I can understand why he "acted out", it still hurts and it has been a long road to get past it.

The "experts" say it take about 2 yrs to get past an Affair and that doesn't take into account the SA issues that are part of this. I know that 3 months seem like a really long time(I know it did for me)but you are in the beginning time for healing.
_________________________________________________
I never knew what real pain was until now. I never expected to feel it either by the one person I loved the most.
__________________________________________________

I never knew what real pain was either until all of this. There were days when I didn't know if I could get through it. But it has gotten better. I don't think about it every day now and the pain has lessened considerably.

I look at this as my old marriage is dead but we are working at a new improved marriage where we communicate better, are less judgemental, respect each other more, try to meet each others needs and be there for each other through all of this. This has really started to happen but has taken a lot of work and time.

I go on a site called SurvivingInfidelity.com and the people are wonderful over there just like they are here. There are some people on that site that are dealing with SA issues and infidelity also. My screen name on that site is Stayintogether.

I just wanted you to know that it does get better with time and especially if your H is remorseful and is working on his SA issues so that this won't happen again. From what you have written, he seems to be doing that.

Take care,
darp


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#60857 - 07/18/04 02:22 AM Re: Are we allowing ourselves to be happy?
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
jaywho,

Darp is right, it will get better soon. It won't go away overnight but it will start getting better.

I think sometimes we as partners suffer from the self-centered nature of the survivors' healing, especially in the beginning. In order for me to let go of the fears you described (What if it happens again, what if we "forget", what if I never get closure), I needed my boyfriend to address his acting out in terms of how I'd been affected, what it meant to me, what I needed to feel safe. But for almost a year after I found out about it, he was literally unable to think or talk through his end of that conversation. Sure, he said he was sorry, he told me he felt bad, promised it would never happen again, but for a long time it felt sort of empty... like he was saying it more for himself than for me. And if the conversation went any deeper than that, he would just sort of space out.

There are just so many layers of shit these guys have to dig through in their own heads before they can even get to a perspective that's out of their heads. It sucks but until they work their way out of the shit from their side, your side (and your pain and your fear and anger) are either in a blind spot, or just look like more shit to them.

This isn't your life. It's a bump in the road but the rest of your life won't feel like this, the next few months won't even feel like this. When you can "let it go", it will just... go. Little by little, without being told. Even when I'm here, thinking and writing about the worst times, it's not devastating to me anymore, the way it was at first no matter what I was doing or thinking.

Do I remember the peace? Honestly, that IS where the pain is for me now... in the peace that I had, or tried to have. The idea that I was happy and in love for so long, entirely ignorant of the suffering and fear and self-hate that the person I was supposed to care for the most was carrying around. I don't know if I will forgive myself for having peace for all that time.


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#60858 - 07/18/04 10:29 AM Re: Are we allowing ourselves to be happy?
jaywho Offline
Member

Registered: 06/29/04
Posts: 39
Loc: WV
Quote:
The idea that I was happy and in love for so long, entirely ignorant of the suffering and fear and self-hate that the person I was supposed to care for the most was carrying around. I don't know if I will forgive myself for having peace for all that time.
I'm not at all mad at myself for not recognizing the fact that my husband was SA. As you said in another post about being "tested":

Quote:
At the time I didn't even know he'd been sexually abused.

I asked him what the right answer would have been... all those times he'd been giving me bullshit answers, basically telling me that if I didn't blindly accept them I would be a bad friend and partner, what could I have said that would have made him understand that I cared about him? That stopped him short. He basically said that there was nothing I could have said, that there was no right answer. He was the one who used the word "test..." he said he'd been setting me up to let him down, putting me in a situation where I had to be like everyone else.
To love him, I did. To trust him I also did. I felt we had a great marriage, great communication and that ANYTHING he had problems with we were open enough to talk about.

I do know I did EVERYTHING as a wife I was capable of to make our marriage great. He and I were one of a kind . . then . . I was hit with the hell I face daily and sometimes feel the whole 14 years was nothing but a lie.

I hurt because sometimes I feel like I should have been something more. I should have been . . . then I learned I was doing nothing wrong. You helped teach me that SAR. I hope you practice what you preach. Sounds like you were a great partner, and are now. I realize more everyday his life and mine together then wasn't a lie at all. I have to keep in mind as others do that the SA is NOT OUR RELATIONSHIP like you said, it's just a bump in the road. I can't ignore all the wonderful things we have shared. The 14 years of passion and love that he and I knew, it wasn't ever a lie. I was his love, his support and the one person he held himself up on.

Think of it like this I tell myself: If he didn't have my love, my support wouldn't that 14 years of hell he faced daily alone be more painful. I showed him what love was all about.

Darp said:

Quote:
I look at this as my old marriage is dead but we are working at a new improved marriage where we communicate better, are less judgemental, respect each other more, try to meet each others needs and be there for each other through all of this
I will not accept that the marriage was dead because as I said, the SA is NOT all our marriage was about. To accept there was a "reason" for any adultry is hard but, if you are going to give it a "reason" you have to chalk it up to that completely.

What I am saying is the marriage was never the cause of the adultry. I am saying in my case; SA as the cause therefore, it was never about the marriage at all. The same goes for all the other problems I face; it wasn't a problem in the marriage that caused the 14 years of never knowing, it was the programming that my husband had that kept the secret. Nothing I did would have helped, it was all on his time and when he was willing to talk.

The peace I want is understanding, to see the affair the same as my husband. As I said to him, the lies led me to feel he was covering something up, something more. He said he never had feelings for the girl . . but give me 2 months of bullshit to think about and the confusion sets in, I can't see lies from truth at times.

I see my pain, my heart ache and then the guilt of not understanding tears at my heart as well . . mental warefare . . no peace. I want all the doubt, thoughts, images . . I wan't it gone.

I told my husband that he searches for WHY all the time. This is because he can't understand how in his case his brother . . aunt . . uncle . . could do these things without considering him . .

Tell me why then can't I ask WHY at times. I was also hurt but by the one person who gave me his life. The "why" I can't understand is the same . . how did you do those things without considering me?

;\) ON GOOD DAYS I REALIZE IT WAS NEVER ABOUT ME AT ALL!!!


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