Mike
yes, I know a couple of guys who have experienced just one occasion of abuse, what some might say is low level stuff.

But it isn't low level at all, the effects these guys have are just as real as someone who has suffered years of sexual, physical and emotional abuse.

We didn't want it, couldn't deal with it and it was wrong. The broken men are just the same.

Dave

In all my years living with my own personal horror I have never found that our own hell is either hotter or colder than someone elses. The evil that comes upon us attacks our very essence and our self worth. Whether it is done once or 1000 times the effect is the same, as is the coping that we do to either minimize it or deal with it. Abuse is abuse plain and simple and not one of us here should have had to endure it even once.

But we are all survivors and we will deal with it alone and together with our fellow brothers of this particular wolf pack and we will all be better for it. We will never forget the love and support that we receive and pass on here.

So my brothers never, never, never, trivialize your abuse. To each and every one of us it was the worst possible thing that could happen. And that is a fact.

Sometimes too, its not the severity of the abuse but who the person was, how dependent you were on them, whether you had any other resources to depend on when you were a kid.

With my mother, I don't even think she ever did any "verifiable" sexual acts, and yet the whole sexual nature of our relationship (*gag*) and the fact that after the divorce I only had very limited contact with any other adults made those years hard.

possible trigger
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What's bugging me right now is a dream I had the other night where I was in bed with my mother and she was trying to touch me and I had to yell at her and push her away. She rolled over, turning her back to me (she was naked), and I gave her my blankets because I felt sorry for her. What's weird is that I woke up feeling this immense sadness.

Usually I just think about how much I hate her, and I forget that its sad having to spend your childhood constantly on alert, pushing away this person that's supposed to care for you.
I didn't start hating her until I was eleven, before that I slept in her bed a lot, and she used me for emotional support. To this day I can't stand it if someone touches me on my back lightly in a way that reminds me of her. All my muscles tense up when I think of her, and its a direct trigger for the impulse to hurt myself.

Sorry if this is so long, but I just want to show the effects of even "flyweight" SA. One hard thing about subtle abuse is that its hard to give it the credit its due for screwing people up. Insidious effects are sometimes hard to pin down.

I also want to show my appreciation for the other men who posted here, and the amazing inner strength you guys have to salvage some dignity after what you went through. I'd be really honored to call you guys brothers.

--Ken

Ken
welcome to our brotherhood, a place of great support and help. I know none of us want to be in such a place as this, but if we need somewhere to be because of our abuse then this place is as good as it gets.

This is very true for me, I had four years of almost daily abuse at boarding school, and eventually became very cooperative and compliant with my abusers demands. In the end I was asking for sex with them and suggesting different things to do.

For over 30 years the memories of the sex dominated my life and led me to act out with other men until I sought help and therapy. It was only then that the subtleties of what they did and how they did it became clear to me and I realised then that they had tricked me, lied to me. What happened wasn't my fault.

The actual sex acts now seem insignificant alongside the scheming, coercing, bribery and threats that took place. I was 11yo and they were 13yo, and it's still hard to imagine any 13yo being that devious and cunning - but they were.

All the non physical, subtle stuff that happened between us has actually had a far greater effect than the physical effects, of which I have none.
They might have fucked my body for four years, but they fucked my mind for ever.

I'm getting better for sure, but the memories will always be with me I guess.

Dave

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CAUTION
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Welcome bowman. The years I slept with my mother were about covert abuse for the most part but the experience permeated every aspect of my life. Even the touching was covert (although barely) when she "warmed" her hands by placing them om my hip under the waistband of my briefs, asking if it excited me.
I used to spend most of my time dissociated and have wondered if more didn't happen, but I don't "think" it did.

The problems I've had in my life with "performance anxiety" and impotence tell me it is a defense strategy, even today, and I learned that with her.

------ BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF

Ken,

Welcome, you're in a safe place with a great bunch of guys. If you came looking for a site like this on the net, your abuse was real. Don't minimize it because you think others endured something worse.

FWIW, I think I went through something similar. My mom told me it never happened when I mentioned it a couple years ago, but she used to call me into the bathroom while she was taking a bath. (We had no shower.) She needed a towel, or soap, or had to tell me something. Messed me up. By the time I was raped, I was set up for it anyway. I had no concept of boundaries.

Your pain is real. You can work on it here.

Thanks,

Joe

Dave, RJD, Joe,

I'm sorry you all went through that shit.When man after man stands up like that its clear its not minor at all.

reading your posts made me feel like I was joining the human race.

This is an understatement: thank you.

Ken

Ken

Ken,

Welcome to the Brotherhood of the Wolf.


This piece of your story you've bravely shared sounds shockingly like a piece of my own.

Tho my own mother did definitely sexually incest me, I agree with Dave in that I still consider the whole general sexualizing of our relationship, the emotional incest, even worse than the actual sexual acts, disgusting as they were.

Ken, & Joe, and everyone:

I also agree with Mike when he says "...the response of the victim to a traumaticaly stressful event is the defining factor for traumatization, taking into careful account that individual's life burden of traumatic stress" ("The Body Bears the Burden: Trauma,Dissociation, and Disease," Dr. Robert Scaer; p 132; Chapter 9)including the source of the trauma, support system or lack thereof, earlier traumas, home & community environment, unique personal makeup, etc., as Ken indicated in his earlier post.

Ken, it is likewise an honor to call you brother!

Victor

So sum1sun, do you hear the love in this brotherhood of agonized and terrorized souls on a healing path.

These pages are filled with valiant men with uncommon courage and you too have honored us with your trust in sharing the story that you did along with the rest uf us.

It brightens my day to have our paths coincide here on these pages. I hope to hear your 'voice' around here more often.

--- be gentle with yourselves

--- BOB

WOW!!! I am just now coming to terms with a lot of the abuse in my life. Physical, sexual and emotional. I've spent years dealing with things by not dealing with the emotion and it has terribly fucked me up. I have been able to talk about my abuse on a clinical level throughout most of my adult life but I have never been able to connect with the feelings. Reading what all of you have written has helped me to realize that I do have feelings about all of this still though I am having so much difficulty expressing them. All

I really want is to live even though I've kept telling myself that I wanted to die. I feel like my body has become one HUGE scar and that nothing seems to be able to be felt through it anymore. I have just started therapy. I'm so impatient but that seems to be part of my problem because I just want to keep rushing through things.

"Who wants to make time to smell the flowers when all you get is allergies?"

Hopefully, over time I'll be able to share more than just my words here. I want to be able to share me too!