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#60782 - 07/14/04 09:57 PM Having problems again
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
Once again, I cannot find information when I try looking for it. It is my fault, but it's frustrating. lol. I know that a while back I saw information regarding self-defeating / self-fulfilling prophecy. I thought that it was on the F&F forum. It specifically talked about survivors setting other people up for failure in their eyes by placing them in no win situations involving the trust testing that they do. I was looking for it to send to someone else who I know has recently done this with someone and now feels the "betrayal" that was involved. Can someone who knows more about this than I do help me so that I may share this information with someone who I think needs it?
Thank you.

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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#60783 - 07/14/04 11:34 PM Re: Having problems again
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
MikeNY,

My boyfriend acted out online, exchanging email and phone calls with someone he met in a chat room. He used a public computer and his cell phone. This meant that he was out of the house sometimes and I didn't know why-- 45 minute trips to buy milk, having to leave early for work, etc. When I would ask him about these absences and his general withdrawal from our relationship, he'd act very flustered and hurt, accuse me of not trusting him, not understanding him... basically he'd leave me stuck in a situation where I didn't really know what was going on, but I didn't think it was all okay either, but the only way I could make him feel trusted and not betrayed was to drop it.

He ended this online thing way before I ever found out about it, and he carried around a lot of additional guilt and fear about me finding out. When I asked him why he never felt like he should stop for my sake, or why he didn't tell me after he'd stopped it, he said, because I didn't seem to care about it while it was happening. According to him, he was clearly giving me bullshit answers and excuses and the fact that I was accepting them meant that I didn't really care about the truth of his situation, I was just like all the others who only saw and heard what they wanted and didn't bother to look for anything else.

That really, really, pissed me off. I had asked him for answers over and over. I worried about it all the time, and he brushed it off or accused ME of betraying HIS trust. When I'd asked him if everything was okay with us and he'd "Yes"-ed me to death and then gotten all pissy and stormed out the door, what did he really expect me to do? Follow him? Read his mind and know that he was re-enacting some angry>

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#60784 - 07/15/04 11:10 AM Re: Having problems again
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Quote:
I know that a while back I saw information regarding self-defeating / self-fulfilling prophecy. I thought that it was on the F&F forum. It specifically talked about survivors setting other people up for failure in their eyes by placing them in no win situations involving the trust testing that they do.
This just happened to me this morning.

Still crying my (*&()*& eyes out.

P


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#60785 - 07/15/04 11:14 AM Re: Having problems again
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
Have been thinking a lot lately about this issue - there's a really interesting metaphor that I've derived from my experiences at "B" School... (Yes, PAS, it was at McGill.)

In one of our marketing classes, we learned about a "Quality Control" procedure called "Testing to Failure." To give you an example, a manufacturer would set up an experiment such as "Hmmmmmm. Let's see how many elephants can step on this lightbulb before it breaks......."

Yah.

I'm sure you get the picture.

Hang in there!

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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#60786 - 07/16/04 10:15 AM Re: Having problems again
jaywho Offline
Member

Registered: 06/29/04
Posts: 39
Loc: WV
I'm into songs this one I think could be the F&F anthem. (or at the least mine, kinda explains how we are pushed away and how much we really wanna help but are not always given the opportunity)

http://mp.compuserve.com/audio.index.adp?mxid=1132365&refID=005000&partner=&_AOLFORM=w597.h395.p7

I was tested for 2 months, was given the worst of the situation, all lies. If I was okay with that, still loved him . . I would get the truth. That is how I found out about his SA.

HAD TO PROVE MYSELF

I feel like daily I still have to do the same.


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